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Dissertations 

by  Mr*  Dooley 


By  the  Author  of 
"Mr.  Dooley's  Philosophy" 
Mr*  Dooley's  Opinions,"  etc* 


New  York  and  London 
Harper  &  Brothers  Publishers 

1906 


Copyright,  1906,  by  HARPER  &  BROTHERS. 

All  rights  rtserved. 
Published  October,  1906. 


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Contents 

PACK 

THE  KING  IN  HIS  SHIRT-SLEEVES 3 

ROYAL  DOINGS 11 

ORATORY 19 

BANTING 27 

THE  PURSUIT  OF  RICHES 35 

SHORT  MARRIAGE  CONTRACTS 43 

THE  BRINGING  UP  OF  CHILDREN 51 

THE  LABOR  TROUBLES 59 

THE  AUTOMOBILE 67 

THE  COMFORTS  OF  TRAVEL 77 

OUR  REPRESENTATIVES  ABROAD  ......     87 

DIPLOMATIC  UNIFORMS 97 

THE  INTELLECTUAL  LIFE      .     .     .     .     .     .     .107 

THE  VICE-PRESIDENT 115 

A  LENTEN  SERMON 
THE  IRISH  QUESTION 

THE  AMERICAN  FAMILY 137 

THE  CARNEGIE-HOMER  CONTROVERSY  .     .     .     .145 

GAMBLING 153 

AN  INTERNATIONAL  POLICE  FORCE      ....  161 
OATS  AS  A  FOOD  .  .  169 


Contents 

PAGE 

THE  CARNEGIE  LIBRARIES .     .     .  177 

THE  RACE  QUESTION 185 

SENATORIAL  COURTESY 193 

THE  CANDIDATE 199 

WAR     .     .     £ 207 

THE  "  ANGLO-SAXON  "  TRIUMPH 213 

CORPORAL  PUNISHMENT 221 

THE  SIMPLE  LIFE  .     *     *' 229 

HOTELS  AND  HOTEL  LIFE 237 

THE  FOOD  WE  EAT       i     *     *     *     *     .     .     •     •  247 

NATIONAL  HOUSECLEANING 257 

SOCIALISM 265 

BUSINESS  AND  POLITICAL  HONESTY 275 

SIEGES  .;•.;*.     i     * 285 

MR.  CARNEGIE'S  HERO  FUND 293 

BANKS  AND  BANKING 303 

THE  BAR  .  311 


THE     KING    IN     HIS 
SHIRT.-SLEEVES 


DISSERTATIONS 

By  Mr.  Dooley 

THE     KING    IN     HIS 
SHIRT-SLEEVES 

"T  SEE  be  th'  pa-apers,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  that 
^j   th'  King  iv  Biljum  has  been  havin'  throuble 
JL  with  wan  iv  his  fam'ly." 

"Th'  poor  man,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "What 
was  it  about?" 

"Oh,  faith,  th'  usual  thing,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  She  marrid  some  wan  th'  king,  her  father,  didn't 
like.  Th'  man  iv  her  choice  was  not  her  akel.  He 
was  on'y  a  jook  or  a  prince  or  something  like  that 
— a  good-fellow,  d'ye  mind,  sober,  industhrees  an' 
affictionate,  but  iv  lowly  exthraction.  But  that  ain't 
what  I  wanted  to  talk  to  ye  about.  Th'  throubles 
iv  a  king  with  his  fam'ly  ain't  anny  more  inthrestin' 
thin  th'  throubles  iv  a  plumber  or  a  baseball  player. 
It's  th'  same  thing — th'  food,  th'  cost  iv  th'  new  tile, 
th'  familyar  face  at  breakfast,  th'  girl  runnin'  off 
an'  marryin'  a  jook  or  a  clerk  in  a  butcher-shop. 
What  I've  been  thinkin'  about  is  how  long  th'  kings 
can  stand  havin'  all  these  things  known  about  thim. 

[3] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

"  Whin  I  was  a  boy,  if  a  king  fell  out  with  his 
folks,  no  wan  knew  iv  it  but  th'  earls  an'  markesses 
an'  jooks  that  overheerd  th'  row  while  they  were 
waitin'  on  th'  table.  They  didn't  say  annything, 
but  wrote  it  down  in  a  note-book  an'  published  it 
afther  they  were  dead.  Whin  th'  king  passed  th' 
butther-plate  so  high  to  his  wife  that  it  caught  her 
in  th'  eye,  it  was  a  rile  secret.  Whin  his  rile  spouse 
pulled  his  majesty  around  th'  room  be  th'  hair  iv 
th'  head,  th'  tale  remained  in  th'  fam'ly  till  it  got 
into  histhry.  Whin  wan  iv  th'  princesses  threatened 
to  skip  with  a  jook,  th'  king  touched  th'  spring  iv 
th'  thrap-dure,  an'  her  rile  highness,  Augoostina 
Climintina  Sofia  Maria  Mary  Ann,  wint  down  among 
th'  coal  an'  th'  potatoes,  an'  niver  was  heerd  iv 
again. 

"  But  nowadays  'tis  diff'rent.  Th'  window-shades 
is  up  at  th'  king's  house  as  well  as  ivrywhere  else. 
Th'  gas  is  lighted,  an'  we  see  his  majesty  stormin' 
around  because  th'  dinner  is  late,  kickin'  th'  rile  dog, 
whalin'  th'  princes  iv  th'  blood  with  a  lath,  brushin' 
his  crown  befure  goin'  out,  shavin'  his  chin,  sneakin' 
a  dhrink  at  bedtime,  jawin'  his  wife  an'  makin' 
faces  at  his  daughter.  Th'  princess  called  at  th' 
King  iv  Bilj  urn's  house  yisterdah  an'  insisted  on  seein' 
th'  ol'  man.  A  stormy  intherview  followed.  '  I  told 
ye  niver  to  darken  this  dure  again  till  ye  left  that 
loafer  iv  a  husband  iv  ye'ers,'  says  his  majesty.  '  I 
come  here  to  get  me  clothes,'  says  her  rile  highness. 
6  If  ye  don't  give  thim  up  I'll  call  next  time  with  a 
constable,'  she  says.  *  Don't  make  me  f'rget  me  sex 
an'  lay  hands  on  a  woman,'  says  his  majesty.  '  Clear 
out  iv  this  befure  I  cease  bein'  a  king  an'  become  a 


The  King   in  His   Shirt-Sleeves 

parent,'  he  says.  Her  rile  highness  had  a  fit  iv 
hysterics  at  this,  an'  th'  king  tore  around  th'  parlor, 
knockin'  over  chairs  an'  kickin'  at  th'  furniture. 
Half  an  hour  later  th'  princess  emerged,  followed  be 
th'  king  in  a  smokin'- jacket.  At  th'  dure  he  hollered 
at  her :  '  Ye'll  stay  away  f r'm  here  if  ye  know  what's 
good  f'r  ye.'  fi  I'll  have  th'  law  on  ye,'  says  th' 
princess  as  she  wint  off  on  her  bicycle. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  Th'  times  has  changed,  an' 
th'  kings  lives  in  th'  sthreet  with  th'  rest  iv  us.  It  '11 
be  th'  death  iv  thim.  No  wan  respects  annybody  they 
know.  To  be  a  king  an'  get  away  with  it,  a  man  must 
keep  out  iv  sight.  Th'  minyit  people  know  that  a 
king  talks  like  other  people,  that  he  has  th'  same  kind 
iv  aches  that  we  have,  that  his  head  is  bald,  that  his 
back  teeth  are  filled,  that  he  dhrinks  too  much,  that 
him  an'  his  wife  don't  get  along,  an'  that  whin  they 
quarrel  they  don't  make  a  reg'lar  declaration  iv  war, 
but  jaw  at  each  other  like  Mullarky  an'  his  spouse, 
their  subjicks  say:  'Why,  this  here  fellow  is  no 
betther  thin  th'  rest  iv  us.  How  comes  he  to  have 
so  good  a  job?  Down  with  him!'  An'  down  he 
comes. 

"  Ye  take  this  here  King  iv  Biljum,  Hinnissy.  I 
know  all  about  him,  f'r  Dorney  had  th'  room  next 
to  him  whin  he  was  in  Europe,  an'  he  heerd  him 
snore!  Think  iv  that!  Think  iv  hearin'  a  king 
snore  an'  meeting'  him  th'  nex'  mornin'  an'  bowin' 
to  him !  If  this  King  iv  Biljum  knew  his  own  busi- 
ness he'd  on'y  come  out  iv  th'  house  wanst  a  year,  an' 
thin  he'd  have  his  face  veiled.  Instead  iv  that  he's 
all  over  th'  wurruld.  He's  in  th'  rubber  business. 
He's  th'  rubber  king.  If  ye  buy  a  garden  hose,  see 

[5] 


Dissertations   by  Mr.  Dooley 

that  th'  name  iv  Leepold,  King  iv  th'  Biljums,  is  on 
th'  nozzle.  He  makes  gum  shoes,  nursin'-bottles,  rain- 
coats, combs,  an'  teethin'-rings.  Ivry  week  he  has  to 
set  down  with  th'  boord  iv  directors  iv  his  rubber 
comp'ny  an'  hope  f'r  rain. 

"  He  takes  his  pleasure  befure  all  th'  wurruld.  If 
ye  go  into  a  hotel  annywhere  in  Europe,  Dorney 
says,  ye  can  see  him  settin'  in  a  rockin'-chair  smokin' 
a  seegar  an'  chattin'  with  th'  dhrummers.  '  Who's 
that  old  la-ad  with  th'  whiskers?'  says  Dorney  to 
th'  clerk.  *  That's  ol'  Leepold,  King  iv  Biljum,'  says 
th'  clerk.  *  He's  our  star-boarder,'  he  says.  *  Who's 
that  ol'  fool  cuttin'  up  with  th'  chorus  girls  at  th' 
next  table?'  says  Dorney  to  th'  waither  at  th'  res- 
thrant.  *  It's  Leepold,  King  iv  Biljum,'  says  th' 
waither.  '  He's  in  here  ivry  night.  I  guess  his  home 
life  ain't  very  atthractive.'  4  Th'  King  iv  Biljum  in 
his  autymobill  ran  into  a  milk-cart  yisterdah  on  th' 
bullyvard,'  says  th'  pa-apers.  '  In  th'  altercation  that 
followed,  th'  lowly  milkman  walloped  his  majesty 
severely.  .  .  .  Th'  King  iv  Biljum  wint  up  in  an  air- 
ship yisterdah  an'  aftherwards  took  dinner  with  San- 
tos-Dumont,  Colonel  Tom  Ochiltree,  Tod  Sloan,  an' 
Chansy  Depoo.  .  .  .  Th'  King  iv  Biljum  an'  Maddy- 
mozelle  Toorooro,  th'  Spanish  dancer,  danced  a  fan- 
dango at  th'  Caffy  de  Paree  las'  night.  His  majesty 
paid  f'r  all  breakage.  .  .  .  Ivry  afthernoon  th'  King 
iv  Biljum  can  be  seen  on  th'  bullyvard.  Th'  state- 
ment that  th'  droop  in  his  right  eye  is  permanent  is 
not  correct.  .  .  .  Th'  King  iv  Biljum  was  seen  in  a 
smokin'-car  in  th'  limited  thrain  yisterdah,  in  his 
shirt-sleeves,  playin'  siven-up  with  a  few  frinds. 
Whin  th'  thrain  stopped  f'r  lunch  his  majesty  hopped 

[6] 


The  King   in  His   Shirt-Sleeves 

out,  et  a  dish  iv  baked  beans,  a  section  iv  grape-pie 
an'  a  cup  iv  coffee,  an'  had  a  pleasant  chat  with  th' 
cashier,  who  used  to  wurruk  at  th'  Palace  hotel  an' 
knows  him  well.  It  was  "  Leep  "  an'  "  Mame  "  with 
thim  to  th'  delight  iv  th'  hangers-on  at  th'  station, 
who  are  very  fond  iv  both  iv  thim.' 

"  An'  so  it  goes.  Now,  supposin',  Hinnissy,  that  ye 
Was  a  Biljum,  whativer  that  is,  an'  Leepold  was  ye'er 
king.  Ye  see  him  on  th'  sthreets  ivry  day  snortin' 
around  in  an  autymobill,  with  dust  in  his  whiskers 
an'  cinders  in  his  eyes  that  makes  him  wink  ivry  time 
a  nurse-girl  goes  by ;  ye  see  him  dhrinkin'  at  th'  bar, 
bettin'  on  th'  races,  feedin'  himsilf  with  common 
food,  quarrellin'  with  his  wife,  kickin'  his  daughter 
out-iv-dures,  an'  mannyfacthrin'  rubber  boots.  Wud 
ye  bow  down  to  him  whin  he  come  out  iv  th'  concert- 
hall  with  th'  sixtet?  Wud  ye  fling  ye'er  caubeen  in 
th'  air  an'  holler,  <  Long  live  th'  King,'  or  « Veev  th' 
roy,'  or  *  Hock  Leepold,'  or  whativer  'tis  up  to  a 
Biljum  to  holler  at  such  a  time?  Ye  wud  not.  Ye'd 
say  to  ye'ersilf :  *  Well,  if  that  fellow's  a  king,  so'm 
I.  I  think  I'll  move  him  over  an'  take  th'  job  mesilf. 
He's  a  nice  ol'  man,  runs  an  autymobill  pretty  well, 
is  a  succissful  flirt,  an  unsuccissful  husband,  a  five- 
cints-on-th'-dollar  failure  as  a  father,  an'  a  pretty 
good  mannyfacthrer  iv  hose.  He's  all  iv  these  things. 
But  as  a  king,  is  he  worth  th'  wages?  I  guess  not!' 
An'  whin  Leepold  come  out  some  mornin',  it  'd  not  be 
ye'er  hat  that  come  off  but  his. 

"  Th'  thruth  is,  Hinnissy,  that  th'  kings  have  got 
to  take  a  brace.  If  ye  have  anny  kings  among  ye'er 
frinds,  tell  thim  I  said  so.  Th'  king  business  is  like 
a  poker-game.  It's  been  goin'  on  f 'r  a  long  time,  an' 

[7] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

whiniver  it  put  its  money  in  we  lay  down  thinkin'  we 
was  up  again'  a  hand  full  iv  kings  an'  queens.  But 
th'  minyit  they'se  a  show-down,  th'  bluff  is  over.  Thin 
we  see  that  th'  hand  that  we  were  afraid  iv  is  com- 
posed intirely  iv  sivins,  sixes,  an'  dooces,  with  maybe 
wan  jack  that  looks  like  a  king  on'y  to  near-sighted 
people.  A  show-down  is  death  to  rilety.  Tell  ye'er 
frinds  to  stay  in  dures  an'  niver  show  their  faces  at 
th'  window,  an'  maybe  we  won't  get  on  to  thim." 

"  I  don't  know  anny  kings,"  said  Mr  Hennessy. 

"Well,  I  wudden't  thry  to,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  It  wud  be  all  right  f 'r  ye,  but  ye'er  wife  mightn't 
like  it." 


ROYAL    DOINGS 


ROYAL    DOINGS 


throuble    among    th'     crowned 
heads  iv  Europe,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  What's  goin'  on?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Oh,  ivrything  that  people  get  arrested  f  'r,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "  Dhrunkenness  an'  disord'ly  conduck, 
assault  an'  batthry,  riot  an'  elopemints.  Th'  King 
iv  Biljum  has  fired  his  daughter  fr'm  th'  house  again, 
an'  she's  down  at  th'  newspaper  office  dictatin'  th' 
sad  story  iv  her  life.  Th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya  is  unaisy 
in  his  head,  an'  sets  all  day  long  while  an  American 
hypnotist  makes  passes  in  front  iv  him.  Th'  Impror 
iv  Germany  has  been  sayin'  nasty,  spiteful  things 
about  th'  King  iv  England  behind  his  back,  an'  if 
they  iver  meet  some  wan  is  goin'  to  th'  flure.  Th' 
King  iv  Spain  is  lookin'  f'r  his  august  mother  to  slug 
her  f'r  wantin'  to  marry  again.  An'  th'  happy 
Hapsburgs  are  batin'  polismen,  shootin'  thimsilves, 
an'  runnin'  off  with  ladies  iv  th'  chorus. 

"  Ivrywhere  on  th'  continent  iv  Europe  'tis  th' 
same  thing.  Ye  see  yon  palace  raisin'  its  lofty  head 
in  yon  garden?  Think  ye,  Hinnissy,  that  all  is  hap- 
piness an'  contint  within  thim  yon  marble  walls?  It 
ain't  so.  In  that  stately  pile  th'  dishes  is  passin' 
through  th'  air  th'  same  as  in  th'  humble  abodes  iv 
th'  poor.  His  impeeryal  majesty  is  dhraggin'  her 


Dissertations    by  Mr.  Dooley 

impeeryal  majesty  around  th'  gr-reat  hall  iv  state 
be  th'  hair  iv  th'  head.  Th'  oaken  walls  resounds  with 
cries  iv :  '  Let  go  iv  me  ear.'  Occasionally  a  king 
comes  out  iv  th'  goolden  dure  pursooed  be  crowns, 
sciptres,  ol'  masthers,  carved  furniture,  an'  books. 
Who  is  that  woman  at  th'  window  iv  th'  palace? 
'Tis  her  serene  altess  Sophia  Maria  Victorine  Lino- 
lea  Bejabers  Bezaza  Carebella  Deliria  Maud,  Crown- 
Princess  iv  Weisenbrod,  whoopin'  f'r  th'  polis.  Th' 
coort  news  an'  th'  polis  news  is  th'  same  thing :  *  Her 
majesty  took  th'  air  in  th'  garden  where  she  met  his 
majesty,  after  which  she  took  th'  count.'  *  Th'  queen 
was  seen  dhrivin'  yisterdah.  Her  eye  is  much  bet- 
ther.'  '  Owin'  to  th'  state  of  her  majesty's  rile  tem- 
per, his  majesty  rayceived  th'  cabinet  Thursdah  in 
th'  coal-cellar.  Her  majesty  disturbed  th'  council 
be  hollerin'  down  th'  furnace-pipes  an'  poundin'  on 
th'  flure.  Th'  chanceller  iv  th'  exchequer  on  lavin* 
th'  residence  through  th'  laundhry  shute  was  felled 
be  a  pianny  stool.'  '  It  is  announced  that  her  majesty 
has  eloped  with  th'  coort  plumber.' 

"  An'  so  it  goes.  Th'  papers  are  filled  with  rile 
throubles.  A  poor  dimmycrat  'ain't  got  a  chanst. 
He  cud  bate  his  wife  all  night  an'  niver  be  noticed 
be  th'  press.  Home-made  elopemints  receive  no  at- 
tintion.  Lave  me  tell  ye  about  th'  romance  iv  th' 
Crown-Princess  iv  Saxony.  It's  wan  iv  th'  mos'  ro- 
mantic things  I've  seen  lately.  Not  bein*  a  romantic 
speaker,  I  can't  tell  it  to  ye  th'  way  I  ought  to,  but 
I'll  tell  it  me  own  simple  way.  Manny  years  ago, 
wan  iv  th'  ladies  iv  th'  Hapsburg  fam'ly  marrid  th' 
Crown-Prince  iv  Saxony.  Th'  house  iv  Hapsburg 
is  th'  rough-house  iv  Europe.  Th'  fam'ly  is  gay 

[12] 


Royal  Doings 

dogs,  an'  Sophy  J.  Hapsburg  inherited  their  thraits. 
She  met  th'  crown-prince  some  time  afther  they  were 
marrid,  an'  f'r  thirty  or  forty  years  they  lived  to- 
gether happily,  but  not  f'r  long,  an'  raised  a  large 
or  German  fam'ly.  But  th'  bloom  soon  come  off 
th'  peach.  In  less  thin  a  quarter  iv  a  cinchry,  Sophy 
begun  to  tire  iv  th'  dull,  monotynous  life  iv  th'  Saxon 
coort.  She  saw  that  Ludwig  was  not  th'  man  she 
expicted  him  to  be,  but  a  coorse  nature,  who  cud  not 
undherstand  th'  gropin's  iv  a  rayfined  spirit.  Whin 
she  got  to  be  fifty  or  sixty  years  iv  age,  she  got  onto 
the  fact  that  she  had  a  soul. 

"  Whin  a  woman  discovers  she  has  a  soul,  Hin- 
nissy,  'tis  time  she  was  sint  to  a  rest-cure.  It  niver 
comes  till  late  in  life,  an'  ye  can't  tell  what  she'll  do 
about  it.  She  may  join  a  woman's  club,  an'  she  may 
go  on  th'  stage.  'Tis  sthrange  how  manny  ladies 
with  wan  leg  in  th'  grave  wud  like  to  see  th'  other  in 
th'  front  row  iv  th'  chorus.  Ludwig  did  not  know 
what  was  the  matther  with  his  spouse.  He  had  niver 
suffered  fr'm  annything  that  he  cudden't  thrace  to 
food  or  dhrink.  He  had  no  soul.  Men  sildom  have. 
Whin  ye  see  a  man  with  a  soul,  side-step  him.  Pro- 
fissor  Giron  had  a  soul.  They  was  no  soulfuller  per- 
son thin  Alphonse  Giron  in  all  th'  land  iv  Saxony. 
Although  on'y  a  poor  young  man,  hired  f'r  to  tache 
bad  language,  which  is  Fr-rinch,  to  th'  childher,  he 
was  full  iv  wicked  impulses.  He  didn't  have  much 
else,  but  he  had  a  soul.  Th'  outcome  was  certain. 
If  a  woman  with  a  soul  doesn't  lose  th'  soul  pretty 
quick  an'  get  back  her  common-sinse,  she'll  lose  both. 
Wan  day,  whin  Ludwig  was  down  at  th'  brew'ry, 
Sophy  packed  a  few  things  in  a  bag.  Alphonse 

[13] 


Dissertations    by  Mr.  Dooley 

helped  himsilf  to  Lud wig's  cigars,  an'  they  wint  to 
th'  deepo  an'  took  th'  nine-nine.  They're  in  a  hotel 
in  Switzerland  now,  talkin'  to  rayporthers  an'  fixin* 
up  th'  allimony.  Alphonse  thinks  it  ought  to  be 
lib'ral.  He  wud  scorn  to  discuss  details,  but  he  feels 
Ludwig  ought  to  raymimber  th'  past  an'  dig  deep. 
Sophy  thinks  so  too,  but  she  knows  if  Ludwig  is 
close  about  it  her  an'  Alphonse  can  go  to  Paris  an' 
make  a  livin'  writin'  pothry.  They'se  money  in 
pothry  if  you  know  how  to  get  it  out.  They  ixpict  to 
start  up  shop  in  Paris  in  about  a  month.  Alphonse 
told  th'  bar-tinder  at  th'  hotel  so.  They're  gr-reat 
frinds,  Alphonse  an'  th'  bar-tinder,  an'  often  spind 
th'  afthernoon  together  while  Sophy  is  up-stairs  talk- 
in'  about  her  soul.  Nobody  hears  much  about  Lud- 
wig or  th'  childher.  But  he's  holdin'  out  sthrong 
again'  givin'  up  too  much  money. 

"  Ain't  it  a  wondherf ul  romance,  Hinnissy  ? 
Thank  Hiven,  th'  days  iv  chivalry  ain't  entirely 
passed  whin  a  woman  iv  th'  rile  house  iv  Hapsburg 
can  turn  her  back  on  th'  glitter  iv  th'  coort  an'  th' 
care  iv  th'  childher  an'  skip  out  with  a  kindhred  soul 
about  th'  age  iv  her  oldest.  I've  niver  been  so  excited 
about  annything  in  me  life.  I've  looked  f 'r  news  about 
it  in  th'  pa-aper  ivry  day,  an'  me  frinds  iv  th'  press 
have  not  disappointed  me.  Happy  Sophy!  Happy 
Alphonse!  What  a  good  time  they're  goin'  to  have 
whin  Alphonse  goes  out  with  a  pome  an'  comes  home 
with  a  parcel  iv  pig's  feet!  It's  a  beautiful,  thrillin' 
story." 

"  I  don't  see  annything  beautiful  about  it,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy.  "  It's  just  a  crazy-headed  ol'  lunytic 
iv  a  woman  runnin'  away  fr'm  her  childher." 

[14] 


Royal  Doings 

"  Hinnissy,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  sternly,  "  ye  f 'rget 
Sophy's  station.  Whin  an  ol'  crazy-headed  lunytic 
iv  a  woman  skips  out  'tis  a  crime ;  whin  an  ol'  crazy- 
headed  lunytic  iv  a  duchess  does  it,  it's  a  scandal; 
but  whin  an  ol'  crazy-headed  lunytic  iv  a  princess 
does  it,  it's  a  romance." 


ORATORY 


ORATORY 

"T""VID  ye  iver   make  a  speech?"  asked  Mr. 

•  Hennessy. 

JL/  "I  did  wanst,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Ivry  thrue-born  American  regards  himsilf  as  a 
gr-reat  orator,  an'  I  always  had  a  pitcher  i\  mesilf 
in  me  mind  standin'  befure  a  large  an'  admirin' 
bunch  if  me  fellow-pathrites  an'  thrillin'  thim  with 
me  indignation  or  convulsin'  thim  with  me  wit. 
Manny  times  have  I  lay  in  bed  awake,  seein'  mesilf 
at  th'  head  iv  a  table,  poorin'  out  wurruds  iv  goolden 
eloquence  fr'm  th'  depths  iv  me  lungs.  I  made  a 
pretty  pitcher,  I  must  say, — ca'm,  dignified,  a  per- 
fect masther  iv  mesilf  an'  me  audjeence.  Th'  concoorse 
shrieked  with  laughter  wan  minyit,  an'  rose  to  their 
feet  in  frenzied  applause  th'  next.  In  all  me  dhreams 
I  wore  a  white  necktie  an'  a  long-tailed  coat,  because 
I  have  a  theery  that  all  thrue  eloquence  comes  fr'm 
th'  tails  iv  th'  coat,  an'  if  ye  made  an  orator  change 
into  a  short  coat  he  wud  become  deef  an'  dumb.  As 
I  sat  down  afther  me  burst  iv  gleamin'  wurruds,  th' 
audjeence  rose  an'  cheered  f'r  five  minyits,  an'  Sinitor 
Beveridge,  th'  silver  spout  iv  th'  Wabash,  who  was 
to  follow  me,  slinked  out  iv  th'  room. 

"  So  wan  day,  whin  th'  Archey  Road  Improvement 
Comity  give  their  grand  banket,  an'  th'  chairman 
asked  me  to  make  a  few  appropriated  remarks  in  place 

[19] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

iv  Chancy  Depoo,  I  told  thim  I  wud  toss  off  some 
orathory  just  so  th'  boys  wud  not  be  disappointed. 

"  I  didn't  write  out  th'  speech  No  great  orator 
who  has  niver  made  a  speech  needs  to.  I  merely  jot- 
ted down  a  few  interruptions  be  th'  audjeence;  like 
this,  Hinnissy:  (Great  Applause)  (Loud  an'  con- 
tiny  ous  laughter),  (Cries  iv  'Good,'  'Hear,  hear'), 
(Cries  iv  'No,  no,'  'Go  on'),  (Wild  cheerin',  th' 
audjeence  risin'  to  their  feet  an'  singin',  '  For  he's  a 
jolly  good  fellow,  which  nobody  can  deny '). 

"  An'  havin'  arranged  all  these  nicissry  details,  I 
wint  to  th'  banket.  I  knew  ivry  man  there,  an'  thurly 
despised  thim.  There  wasn't  wan  iv  thim  that  I  con- 
sidered me  intellechool  equal.  At  wan  time  or  an- 
other ivry  wan  iv  thim  had  come  to  me  f'r  advice. 
But  somehow,  Hinnissy,  th'  minyit  I  looked  down  on 
what  Hogan  calls  th'  sea  iv  upturned  faces  dhrinkin', 
I  begun  to  feel  onaisy.  I  wasn't  afraid  iv  anny  wan 
iv  thim,  mind  ye.  Man  f'r  man  they  were  me  frinds. 
But  altogether  they  were  me  inimy.  I  cudden't  set 
still.  I  had  come  with  an  appytite,  but  I  cudden't 
eat.  I  had  a  lump  in  me  throat  as  big  as  an  apple. 
I  felt  quare  in  th'  pit  iv  me  stomach.  I  noticed  that 
me  hands  were  moist.  I  thried  to  talk  to  th'  man  next 
to  me,  but  I  cudden't  hear  what  he  said.  Wan  orator 
afther  another  was  peltin'  th'  audjeence  with  remarks 
out  iv  th'  Fourth  Reader,  an'  I  cudden't  listen  to  thim. 
All  th'  time  I  was  thinkin' :  '  In  a  few  minyits  they'll 
detect  ye,  Martin  Dooley,  th'  countherfeit  Demos- 
theens.'  Th'  room  swam  befure  me  eyes;  there  was 
a  buzzin'  in  me  ears.  I  had  all  th'  symptoms  iv 
Doctor  Bunyan's  customers.  I  thried  to  collect  me 
thoughts,  but  they  were  off  th'  reservation.  I  wud've 

[20] 


Oratory 

gone  out  if  I  thought  I  cud  walk,  an'  I  was  goin' 
to  thry  whin  I  heerd  th'  chairman  mention  me  name. 
It  sounded  as  if  it  come  out  iv  a  cheap  phonograft. 

"  I  f'rgot  to  tell  ye,  Hinnissy,  that  in  thinkin'  iv 
me  gr-reat  effort  I  had  rehearsed  a  few  motions  to 
inthrajooce  th'  noble  sintimints  that  was  to  bubble 
up  fr'm  me.  At  th'  mention  iv  me  name,  an'  durin' 
th'  cheerin'  that  followed,  I  was  goin'  to  lean  forward 
with  me  head  bowed  an'  me  hand  on  th'  edge  iv  th' 
table  an'  a  demoor  smile  on  me  face  that  cud  be 
thranslated :  '  Th'  gr-reat  man  is  amused,  but  wud- 
den't  have  ye  know  it  f'r  wurulds.'  Whin  th'  cheer- 
in'  throng  had  exhausted  its  strenth  I  intinded  to 
rise  slowly,  place  me  chair  in  front  iv  me,  an'  leanin' 
lightly  on  th'  back  iv  it,  bow  first  to  wan  side  an' 
thin  th'  other,  an'  remarks :  '  Misther  Chairman,  a-a- 
and  gint-elmen:  Whin  I  see  so  manny  smilin'  faces 
befure  me  on  this  suspicious  occasion,  I  am  reminded 
iv  a  little  incidint — '  An'  so  on. 

"  Well,  glory  be,  Hinnissy,  I  can  hardly  go  on 
with  th'  story.  It  was  twinty-five  years  ago,  but  I 
can't  think  iv  it  without  a  feelin'  at  th'  end  iv  me 
fingers  as  though  I  had  scraped  a  plasther  wall.  At 
th'  mention  iv  me  name  I  lept  to  me  feet,  knockin' 
over  all  th'  dishes  an'  glasses  in  me  neighborhood. 
I  stepped  on  me  neighbor's  toes  an'  bumped  into 
th'  chairman,  who  was  still  tellin'  what  he  want- 
ed me  to  think  he  thought  iv  me.  I  rolled  me  nap- 
kin up  into  a  ball  an'  thrust  it  into  me  pants  pocket. 
I  become  blind,  deef ,  an'  dumb.  I  raymimber  makin' 
a  few  grunts,  fightin'  an  imaginary  inimy  with  me 
fists  an'  dhroppin'  in  me  chair,  a  broken  four-flush 
Pathrick  Hinnery.  I've  niver  got  me  repytation 

[21] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

back.  Most  iv  th'  people  thought  I  was  dhrunk. 
Th'  more  charitable  said  I  was  on'y  crazy.  Th'  im- 
pressyon  still  remains  in  th'  ward  that  I'm  a  victim  iv 
apoplexy. 

"  Well,  sir,  'tis  a  sthrange  thing  this  here  oratory. 
Ye  see  a  man  that  ye  wudden't  ask  to  direct  ye  to  th' 
post-office  get  on  his  feet  an'  make  a  speech  that  wud 
melt  th'  money  in  ye'er  pocket.  Another  man  comes 
along  that  ye  think  a  reg'lar  little  know-all,  an'  whin 
he  thries  to  make  a  speech  to  a  Sunday-school  class 
he  gives  an  imitation  iv  a  victim  iv  croup,  delusions 
iv  pursuit,  an'  Saint  Vitus's  dance.  If  he  don't  do 
that  he  bombards  his  fellow-man  with  th'  kind  iv  a 
composition  that  they  keep  boys  afther  school  f'r. 
Carney  made  wan  iv  that  kind  at  this  banket.  Car- 
ney has  a  head  as  hard  as  a  cocynut.  He  wanted  a 
new  bridge  built  acrost  th'  crick,  an'  he  was  goin'  to 
talk  about  that  at  th'  banket.  On  th'  way  over  he 
tol'  me  about  it.  He  argyed  so  well  that  he  con- 
vinced me,  an'  I'm  wan  iv  th'  most  indignant  tax- 
payers f'r  a  poor  man  that  ye  iver  knew.  I  thought 
whin  he  got  up  he  wud  say  somethin'  like  this: 
*  Boys,  we  need  a  new  bridge.  Th'  prisint  wan  is  a 
disgrace  to  th'  ward.  Curtin's  horse  fell  through  it 
last  week.  By  jimuneddy,  if  Billy  O'Brien  don't 
get  us  a  new  bridge  we'll  bate  him  at  th'  prim'ries.' 

"  That  wud  have  gone  fine,  f'r  Curtin  was  a  loud 
an'  pop'lar  fish-peddler.  But  what  did  Carney  do? 
He  niver  was  within  four  thousan'  miles  iv  a  swing 
bridge  acrost  th'  Chicago  River.  Says  he : '  Gintlemen : 
We  ar-re  th'  most  gloryous  people  that  iver  infested 
th'  noblest  counthry  that  th'  sun  iver  shone  upon,' 
he  says.  '  We  meet  here  to-night,'  he  says,  '  undher 


Oratory 

that  starry  imblim  that  flaps  above  freemen's  homes 
in  ivry  little  hamlet  fr'm  where  rolls  th'  Oregon  in 
majestic  volume  to  th'  sun-kist  wathers  iv  th'  Pas- 
syfic  to  where  th'  Pimsicoddy  shimmers  adown  th' 
pine-culad  hills  iv  Maine,'  he  says.  *  Th'  hand  iv 
time,'  he  says,  '  marches  with  stately  steps  acrost  th' 
face  iv  histhry,  an'  as  I  listen  to  its  hoof-beats  I  hear 
a  still,  small  voice  that  seems  to  say  that  Athens, 
Greece,  Rawhm,  an'  E-gypt  an'  iver  on  an'  upward, 
an'  as  long  as  th'  stars  in  their  courses  creep  through 
eternity  an'  twinkle  as  they  creep,  recallin'  th' 
wurruds  iv  our  gr-reat  pote,  "  Twinkling  stars  ar-re 
laughin'  love,  laughin'  at  you  an'  me,"  an*  a  coun- 
thry,  gintlemen,  that  stands  to-day  as  sure  as  to- 
morrah's  sun  rises  an'  kisses  th'  flag  that  floats  f'r 
all.  Now,  gintlemen,  it  is  growin'  late,  an'  I  will 
not  detain  ye  longer,  but  I  have  a  few  wurruds  to 
say.  I  appeal  fr'm  Philip  dhrunk  to  Philip  sober.' 
That  ended  th'  speech  an'  th'  banket.  Th'  chair- 
man's name  was  Philip.  Th'  second  Philip  that  Car- 
ney mintioned  was  not  there. 

"  I  guess  a  man  niver  becomes  an  orator  if  he  has 
anything  to  say,  Hinnissy.  If  a  lawyer  thinks  his 
client  is  innocint  he  talks  to  th'  jury  about  th'  crime. 
But  if  he  knows  where  th'  pris'ner  hid  th'  plunder, 
he  unfurls  th'  flag,  throws  out  a  few  remarks  about 
th'  flowers  an'  th'  bur-rds,  an'  asks  th'  twelve  good 
men  an'  thrue  not  to  break  up  a  happy  Christmas, 
but  to  sind  this  man  home  to  his  wife  an'  childher, 
an'  Gawd  will  bless  thim  if  they  ar-re  iver  caught  in 
th'  same  perdicymint.  Whiniver  I  go  to  a  pollytical 
meetin',  an'  th'  laad  with  th'  open-wurruk  face  men- 
tions Rome  or  Athens  I  grab  f'r  me  hat.  I  know 

[23] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Doolcy 

he's  not  goin'  to  say  anything  that  ought  to  keep 
me  out  iv  bed.  I  also  bar  all  language  about  bur-rds 
an'  flowers;  I  don't  give  two  cints  about  th'  Oregon, 
whether  it  rolls  or  staggers  to  th'  sea;  an'  I'll  rap 
in  th'  eye  anny  man  that  attimpts  to  wrap  up  his 
sicond-hand  oratory  in  th'  American  flag.  There 
ought  to  be  a  law  against  usin'  th'  American  flag  f 'r 
such  purposes.  I  hope  to  read  in  th'  pa-aper  some 
day  that  Joe  Cannon  was  arrested  f 'r  usin'  th'  Amer- 
ican flag  to  dicorate  a  speech  on  th'  tariff,  an'  sin- 
tinced  to  two  years  solitary  confmemint  with  Sinitor 
Berridge.  An'  be  hivens,  I  don't  want  anny  man  to 
tell  me  that  I'm  a  mimber  iv  wan  iv  th'  grandest  races 
th'  sun  has  iver  shone  on.  I  know  it  already.  If  I 
wasn't  I'd  move  out. 

"  No,  sir,  whin  a  man  has  something  to  say  an* 
don't  know  how  to  say  it,  he  says  it  pretty  well.  Whin 
he  has  something  to  say  an'  knows  how  to  say  it  he 
makes  a  gr-reat  speech.  But  whin  he  has  nawthin' 
to  say  an'  has  a  lot  iv  wurruds  that  come  with  a  black 
coat,  he's  an  orator.  There's  two  things  I  don't  want 
at  me  fun'ral.  Wan  is  an  oration,  an'  th'  other  is 
wax-flowers.  I  class  thim  alike." 

"  Ye're  on'y  mad  because  ye  failed,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "what  betther  reason 
d'ye  want?  Besides,  I  didn't  fail  as  bad  as  I  might. 
I  might  have  made  th'  speech." 


BANTING 


BANTING 

"TT  SEE   th'    good    woman    goin'   by   Here   at   a 

gallop  to-day,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
JL       "  She's    thryin'    to    rayjooce    her   weight," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Whatf'r?" 

"I  don't  know.  She  looks  all  right,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  'tis  a  sthrange  thing. 
Near  ivrybody  I  know  is  thryin'  to  rayjooce  their 
weight.  Why  shud  a  woman  want  to  be  thin  onless 
she  is  thin?  Th'  idee  iv  female  beauty  that  all 
gr-reat  men,  fr'm  Julius  Caesar  to  mesilf,  has  held, 
is  much  more  like  a  bar'l  thin  a  clothes-pole.  Hogan 
tells  me  that  Alexander's  wife  an'  Caesar's  missus  was 
no  lightweights;  Martha  Wash'nton  was  short  but 
pleasantly  dumpy,  an'  Andhrew  Jackson's  good 
woman  weighed  two  hundherd  an'  smoked  a  pipe. 
Hogan  says  that  all  th'  potes  he  knows  was  in  love 
with  not  to  say  fat,  but  ample  ladies.  Th'  potes 
thimsilves  was  thin,  but  th'  ladies  was  chubby.  A 
pote,  whin  he  has  wurruked  all  day  at  th'  type- 
writer, wants  to  rest  his  head  on  a  shoulder  that 
won't  hurt.  Shakespeare's  wife  was  thin,  an'  they 
quarrelled.  Th'  lady  that  th'  Eyetalian  pote  Dan- 
ty  made  a  fool  iv  himsilf  about  was  no  skeliton. 
All  th'  pitchers  iv  beautiful  women  I've  iver  see 

[27] 


Dissertations  fcy  Hr*  Doolcy 

had  manny  curves  an'  sivral  chins.  Th'  photty- 
graft  iv  Mary  Queen  iv  Scots  that  I  have  in  me 
room  shows  that  she  took  on  weight  afther  she  had 
her  dhress  made.  Th'  collar  looks  to  be  chokin' 
her. 

"  But  nowadays  'tis  th'  fashion  to  thry  to  emaciate 
ye'ersilf .  I  ate  supper  with  Carney  th'  other  day. 
It  was  th'  will  iv  Hiven  that  Carney  shud  grow  fat, 
but  Carney  has  a  will  iv  his  own,  an'  f 'r  ten  years  he's 
been  thryin'  to  look  like  Sinitor  Fairbanks,  whin  his 
thrue  model  was  Grover  Cleveland.  He  used  to  scald 
himsilf  ivry  mornin'  with  a  quart  iv  hot  wather  on 
gettin'  up.  That  did  him  no  good.  Thin  he  thried 
takin'  long  walks.  Th'  long  walk  rayjooced  him 
half  a  pound,  and  gave  him  a  thirst  that  made  him 
take  on  four  pounds  iv  boodweiser.  Thin  he  rented 
a  horse,  an'  thried  horseback  ridin'.  Th'  horse  liked 
his  weight  no  more  thin  Carney  did,  an'  Carney 
gained  ten  pounds  in  th'  hospital.  He  thried  starv- 
in'  himsilf,  an'  he  lost  two  pounds  an'  his  job  f'r 
bein'  cross  to  th'  boss.  Thin  he  raysumed  his  reg'lar 
meals,  an'  made  up  his  mind  to  cut  out  th'  sugar. 
I  see  him  at  breakfast  wan  mornin'.  Nature  had  been 
kind  to  Carney  in  th'  matther  iv  appytite.  I  won't 
tell  ye  what  he  consumed.  It's  too  soon  afther  sup- 
per, an'  th'  room  is  close.  But,  annyhow,  whin  his 
wife  had  tottered  in  with  th'  last  flap- jack  an'  faint- 
ed, an'  whin  I  begun  to  wondher  whether  it  wud  be 
safe  to  stay,  he  hauled  a  little  bottle  fr'm  his  pocket 
an'  took  out  a  small  pill.  '  What's  that?'  says  I. 
'  'Tis  what  I  take  in  place  iv  sugar,'  says  he.  '  Sugar 
is  fattenin',  an'  this  rayjoocees  th'  weight,'  says  he. 
*  An*  ar-re  ye  goin'  to  match  that  poor  little  tablet 

[28] 


Banting 

against  that  breakfast?'  says  L  *I  am,'  says  he. 
6  Cow'rd,'  says  I. 

"  Th'  latest  thing  that  Carney  has  took  up  to 
make  th'  fight  again'  Nature  is  called  Fletching. 
Did  ye  iver  hear  iv  it?  Well,  they'se  a  lad  be  th' 
name  iv  Fletcher  who  thinks  so  much  iv  his  stomach 
that  he  won't  use  it,  an'  he  tells  Carney  that  if  he'll 
ate  on'y  wan  or  two  mouthfuls  at  ivry  meal  an'  thurly 
chew  thim  he  will  invinchooly  be  no  more  thin  skin 
an'  bones  an'  very  handsome  to  look  at.  In  four 
weeks  a  man  who  Fletches  will  lose  forty  pounds  an' 
all  his  frinds.  Th'  idee  is  that  ye  mumble  ye'er  food 
f 'r  tin  minyits  with  a  watch  in  front  iv  ye. 

"  This  night  Carney  was  Fletching.  It  was  a  fine 
supper.  Th'  table  groaned  beneath  all  th'  indilicacies 
iv  th'  season.  We  tucked  our  napkins  undher  our 
chins  an'  prepared  f'r  a  jaynial  avenin'.  Not  so 
Carney.  He  laid  his  goold  watch  on  th'  table,  took 
a  mouthful  iv  mutton  pie  an'  begun  to  Fletch.  At 
first  Hogan  thought  he  was  makin'  faces  at  him,  but 
I  explained  that  he  was  crazy.  I  see  be  th'  look  in 
Carney's  eye  that  he  didn't  like  th'  explanation,  but 
we  wint  on  with  th'  supper.  Well,  'twas  gloryous. 
4  Jawn,  ye'er  health.  Pass  th'  beefsteak,  Malachi. 
Schwartzmeister,  ol'  boy,  can't  I  help  ye  to  th'  part 
that  wint  over  th'  fence  last?  What's  that  story? 
Tell  it  over  here,  where  Carney  can't  hear.  It  might 
make  him  laugh  an'  hurt  him  with  his  frind  Fletcher. 
No?  What?  Ye  don't  say?  An'  didn't  Carney 
resint  it  ?  Haw,  haw,  haw !  This  eyesther  sauce  is  th' 
best  I  iver  see.  Michael,  this  is  like  ol'  times.  Look 
at  Schwartzmeister.  He's  Fletching,  too.  No,  be 
gorry,  he's  chokin'.  I  think  Carney's  watch  has 

[29] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

stopped.  No  wondher ;  he's  lookin'  at  it.  Haw,  haw, 
haw,  haw,  haw!  A  good  joke  on  Carney.  Did  ye 
iver  see  such  a  face?  Carney,  me  buck,  ye  look  like 
a  kinetoscope.  What  is  a  face  without  a  stomach? 
Carney,  ye  make  me  nervous.  If  that  there  idol  don't 
stop  f'r  a  minyit  I'll  throw  something  at  it.  Carney, 
time's  up.  Ye  win  ye'er  bet,  but  'twas  a  foolish  wan. 
I  thought  ye  were  goin'  to  push  Fletcher  in  a  wheel- 
barrow.' 

"  I've  known  Jawn  Carney,  man  an'  boy,  f'r  forty 
year,  but  I  niver  knew  ontil  that  minyit  that  he  was 
a  murdhrer  at  heart.  Th'  look  he  give  us  whin  he 
snapped  his  watch  was  tur-rble;  but  th'  look  he  give 
th'  dinner  was  aven  worse.  He  set  there  f'r  two  mor- 
tal hours  miditatin'  what  form  th'  assassynations  wud 
take  an'  Fletchin'  each  wan  iv  us  in  his  mind.  I 
walked  home  with  him  to  see  that  he  came  to  no  harm. 
Near  th'  house  he  wint  into  a  baker's  shop  an'  bought 
four  pies  an'  a  bag  iv  doughnuts.  *  I've  promised  to 
take  thim  home  to  me  wife,'  he  says.  *  I  thought  she 
was  out  iv  town,'  says  I.  '  She'll  be  back  in  a  week,' 
says  he ;  4  an',  annyhow,  Misther  Dooley,  I'll  thank 
ye  not  to  be  pryin'  into  me  domestic  affairs,'  he  says. 

"An'  there  ye  ar-re.  What's  th'  use  iv  goin' 
up  again'  th'  laws  iv  Nature,  says  I.  If  Nature  in- 
tinded  ye  to  be  a  little  roly-poly,  a  little  roly-poly 
ye'll  be.  They  ain't  annything  to  do  that  ye  ought 
to  do  that  '11  make  ye  thin  an'  keep  ye  thin.  Th' 
wan  thing  in  th'  wurruld  that  '11  rayjooce  ye  surely 
is  lack  iv  sleep,  an'  who  wants  to  lose  his  mind  with 
his  flesh.  I'll  guarantee  with  th'  aid  iv  an  alarm-clock 
to  make  anny  man  a  livin'  skeliton  in  thirty  days. 
A  lady  with  a  young  baby  won't  niver  get  no  chub- 

[30] 


Banting 

bier,  nor  th'  gintleman,  its  father.  TV  on'y  ginooine 
anti-fat  threatment  is  sickness,  worry,  throuble,  an 
insomnya.  Th'  scales  ain't  anny  judge  iv  beauty  or 
health.  To  be  beautiful  is  to  be  nachral.  Ye  have 
gr-reat  nachral  skinny  beauty,  while  my  good  looks 
is  more  buxom.  Whin  I  see  an  ol'  fool  in  a  sweater 
an'  two  coats  sprintin'  up  th'  sthreet  an'  groanin' 
at  ivry  step  I  want  to  join  with  th'  little  boys  that 
ar-re  throwin'  bricks  at  him.  If  he  takes  off  th' 
flesh  that  Nature  has  wasted  on  his  ongrateful  frame 
his  skin  won't  fit  him.  They'se  nawthin*  more  hee- 
jous  to  look  at  than  a  fat  man  that  has  rayjooced 
his  weight.  He  looks  as  though  he  had  bought  his 
coverm'  at  an  auction.  It  bags  undher  th'  eyes  an' 
don't  fit  in  th'  neck. 

"  A  man  is  foolish  that  thries  to  be  too  kind  to 
his  stomach,  annyhow.  Fletcher's  idee  is  that  th' 
human  stomach  is  a  sort  iv  little  Lord  Fauntleroy. 
If  ye  give  it  much  to  do  it  will  pine  away.  But 
Dock  Casey  tells  me  'tis  a  gr-reat,  husky,  good- 
natured  pugilist  that  '11  take  on  most  annything  that 
comes  along.  It  will  go  to  wurruk  with  grim  resolu- 
tion on  a  piece  iv  hard  coal.  It  will  get  th'  worst  iv 
it,  but  what  I  mane  to  say  is  that  it  fears  no  foe,  an' 
doesn't  draw  th'  color-line.  I  wud  put  it  in  th'  heavy- 
weight class,  an'  it  ought  to  be  kept  there.  It  re- 
quires plenty  iv  exercise  to  be  at  its  best,  an'  if  it 
doesn't  get  enough  it  loses  its  power  until  a  chocolate 
eclair  might  win  against  it.  It  musn't  be  allowed  to 
shirk  its  jooties.  It  shud  be  kept  in  thrainin',  an' 
says  Dock  Casey,  if  its  owner  is  a  good  matchmaker, 
an'  doesn't  back  it  again'  opponents  that  ar-re  out  iv 
its  class  or  too  manny  at  wan  time,  it  will  still  be 

[31] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

doin'  well  whin  th'  brain  is  on'y  fit  f'r  light  ex- 
ercise." 

"  D'ye  expict  to  go  on  accumylatin'  flesh  to  th'  end 
iv  ye'er  days?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  do  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  I  expict  to  make 
me  frinds  wurruk  f'r  me  to  th'  last.  They'll  be  no 
gayety  among  th'  pallbearers  at  me  obsequies. 
They'll  have  no  sinycure.  Befure  they  get  through 
with  me  they'll  know  they've  been  to  a  fun'ral." 


THE    PURSUIT    OF   RICHES 


THE    PURSUIT    OF    RICHES 

"  "W"^V  EAR  me,  I  wisht  I  had  money,"  said  Mr. 
•  Hennessy. 

JL/  "So  do  I,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "I 
need  it." 

"Ye  wudden't  get  it  fr'm  me,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"  If  I  didn't,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  'twould  be  be- 
cause I  was  poor  or  tired.  But  what  d'ye  want  money 
f'r?  Supposin'  I  lost  me  head  an'  handed  over  all 
me  accumylated  wealth?  What  wud  ye  do  with  that 
gr-reat  fortune?  Befure  ye  had  spint  half  iv  it 
ye'd  be  so  sick  ye'd  come  to  me  an'  hand  me  back  th' 
remainin'  eighteen  dollars. 

"  A  man  has  more  fun  wishin'  f'r  th'  things  he 
hasn't  got  thin  injyin'  th'  things  he  has  got.  Life, 
Hinnissy,  is  like  a  Pullman  dinin'-car:  a  fine  bill  iv 
fare  but  nawthin'  to  eat.  Ye  go  in  fresh  an'  hungry, 
tuck  ye'er  napkin  in  ye'er  collar,  an'  square  away  at 
th'  list  iv  groceries  that  th'  black  man  hands  ye. 
What  '11  ye  have  first?  Ye  think  ye'd  like  to  be 
famous,  an'  ye  ordher  a  dish  iv  fame  an'  bid  th' 
waither  make  it  good  an'  hot.  He's  gone  an  age, 
an'  whin  he  comes  back  ye'er  appytite  is  departed. 
Ye  taste  th'  ordher,  an'  says  ye :  6  Why,  it's  cold  an' 
full  iv  broken  glass.'  *  That's  th'  way  we  always 

[35] 


Dissertations   by   Mr.  Dooley 

sarve  Fame  on  this  car,'  says  th'  coon.  '  Don't  ye 
think  ye'd  like  money  f'r  the'  second  coorse?  Misther 
Rocky fellar  over  there  has  had  forty-two  helpin's,' 
says  he.  *  It  don't  seem  to  agree  with  him,'  says  ye, 
'  but  ye  may  bring  me  some,'  ye  say.  Away  he  goes, 
an'  stays  till  ye're  bald  an'  ye'er  teeth  fall  out  an' 
ye  set  dhrummin'  on  th'  table  an'  lookin'  out  at  th' 
scenery.  By-an'-by  he  comes  back  with  ye'er  ordher, 
but  jus'  as  he's  goin'  to  hand  it  to  ye  Rocky  fellar 
grabs  th'  plate.  *  What  kind  iv  a  car  is  this  ?'  says 
ye.  '  Don't  I  get  annything  to  eat?  Can't  ye  give 
me  a  little  happiness  ?'  *  I  wudden't  ricommend  th' 
happiness,'  says  th'  waither.  '  It's  canned,  an'  it 
kilt  th'  las'  man  that  thried  it.'  <  Well,  gracious,' 
says  ye.  '  I've  got  to  have  something.  Give  me  a  little 
good  health,  an'  I'll  thry  to  make  a  meal  out  iv  that.' 
'  Sorry,  sir,'  says  th'  black  man,  '  but  we're  all  out 
iv  good  health.  Besides,'  he  says,  takin'  ye  gently 
be  th'  ar-rm,  *  we're  comin'  into  th'  deepo  an'  ye'll 
have  to  get  out,'  he  says. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  Ye'll  niver  get  money  onless 
ye  fix  th'  waither  and  grab  th'  dishes  away  fr'm  th' 
other  passengers.  An'  ye  won't  do  that.  So  ye'll 
niver  be  rich.  No  poor  man  iver  will  be.  Wan  iv 
th'  sthrangest  things  about  life  is  that  th'  poor, 
who  need  th'  money  th'  most,  ar-re  th'  very  wans  that 
niver  have  it.  A  poor  man  is  a  poor  man,  an'  a  rich 
man  is  a  rich  man.  Ye're  ayther  born  poor  or  rich. 
It  don't  make  anny  difference  whether  or  not  ye 
have  money  to  begin  with.  If  ye're  born  to  be  rich 
ye'll  be  rich,  an'  if  ye're  born  to  be  poor  ye'll  be  poor. 
Th'  buttons  on  ye'er  vest  tell  th'  story.  Rich  man, 
poor  man,  beggar  man,  rich  man,  or  wurruds  to  that 

[36] 


The  Pursuit  of  Riches 

effect.  I  always  find  that  I  have  ay  ether  two  but- 
tons or  six. 

"  A  poor  man  is  a  man  that  rayfuses  to  cash  in. 
Ye  don't  get  annything  f'r  nawthin',  an'  to  gather  in 
a  millyon  iv  thim  beautiful  green  promises  ye  have 
to  go  down  ivry  day  with  something  undher  ye'er 
ar-rm  to  th'  great  pawn-shop.  Whin  Hogan  wants 
four  dollars  he  takes  th'  clock  down  to  Moses.  Whin 
Rockyfellar  wants  tin  millyon  he  puts  up  his  peace 
iv  mind  or  his  health  or  something  akelly  valyable. 
If  Hogan  wud  hock  his  priceless  habit  iv  sleepin' 
late  in  th'  mornin'  he  wud  be  able  to  tell  th'  time 
iv  day  whin  he  got  up  without  goin'  to  th'  corner 
dhrug-store. 

"  Look  at  McMullin.  He's  rowlin'  in  it.  It  bulges 
his  pocket  an'  inflates  his  convarsation.  Whin  he 
looks  at  me  I  always  feel  that  he's  wondhrin'  how 
much  I'd  bring  at  a  forced  sale.  Well,  McMullin 
an'  I  had  th'  same  start,  about  forty  yards  behind 
scratch  an'  Vanderbilt  to  beat.  They  always  put  th' 
best  man  in  anny  race  behind  th'  line.  Befure 
McMullin  gets  through  he'll  pass  Vanderbilt,  carry 
away  th'  tape  on  his  shoulders,  an'  run  two  or  three 
times  around  th'  thrack.  But  me  an'  him  started  th' 
same  way.  Th'  on'y  diff-rence  was  that  he  wud 
cash  in  an'  I  wudden't.  Th'  on'y  thing  I  iver  ix- 
picted  to  get  money  on  was  me  dhream  iv  avarice. 
I  always  had  that.  I  cud  dhream  iv  money  as  hard 
as  anny  man  ye  iver  see,  an'  can  still.  But  I  niver 
thought  iv  wurrukin'  f'r  it.  I've  always  looked  on  it 
as  dishon'rable  to  wurruk  f'r  money.  I  wurruk  f'r 
exercise,  an'  I  get  what  th'  lawyers  call  an  honorary- 
ium  be  dilutin'  th'  spirits.  Th'  on'y  way  I  iver  expict 

[37] 


Dissertations  by  Mr,   Dooley 

to  make  a  cint  is  to  have  it  left  to  me  be  a  rich  re- 
lation, an'  I'm  th'  pluthycrat  iv  me  fam'ly,  or  to  stub 
me  toe  on  a  gambler's  roll  or  stop  a  runaway  horse 
f'r  Pierpont  Morgan.  An'  th'  horse  mustn't  be  run- 
nin'  too  fast.  He  must  be  jus'  goin'  to  stop,  on'y 
Morgan  don't  know  it,  havin'  fainted.  Whin  he 
comes  to  he  finds  me  at  th'  bridle,  modestly  waitin' 
f'r  him  to  weep  on  me  bosom.  But  as  f'r  scramblin' 
down-town  arly  in  th'  mornin'  an'  buyin'  chattel 
morgedges,  I  niver  thought  iv  it.  I  get  up  at  siven 
o'clock.  I  wudden't  get  up  at  a  quarther  to  siven 
f'r  all  th'  money  I  dhream  about. 

"  I  have  a  lot  iv  things  ar-round  here  I  cud  cash 
in  if  I  cared  f'r  money.  I  have  th'  priceless  gift  iv 
laziness.  It's  made  me  what  I  am,  an'  that's  th'  very 
first  thing  ivry  rich  man  cashes  in.  Th'  millyionaires 
ye  r-read  about  thryin'  to  give  th'  rest  iv  th'  wurruld 
a  good  time  be  runnin'  over  thim  in  autymobills  all 
started  with  a  large  stock  iv  indolence,  which  they 
cashed  in.  Now,  whin  they  cud  enjoy  it  they  can't 
buy  it  back.  Thin  I  have  me  good  health.  Ye  can 
always  get  money  on  that.  An'  I  have  me  f rinds; 
I  refuse  to  cash  thim  in.  I  don't  know  that  I  cud 
get  much  on  thim,  but  if  I  wanted  to  be  a  millyionaire 
I'd  tuck  you  an'  Hogan  an'  Donahue  undher  me 
ar-rm  an'  carry  ye  down  to  Mose. 

"  McMullin  did  cash.  He  had  no  more  laziness 
thin  me,  but  he  cashed  it  in  befure  he  was  twinty- 
wan.  He  cashed  in  his  good  health,  a  large  stock  iv 
fam'ly  ties,  th'  affection  iv  his  wife,  th'  comforts  iv 
home,  an*  wan  frind  afther  another.  Wanst  in  a 
while,  late  in  life,  he'd  thry  to  redeem  a  pledge,  but 
he  niver  cud.  They  wasn't  anny thing  in  th'  wurruld 

[38] 


The  Pursuit   of  Riches 

that  McMullin  wudden't  change  f  r  th'  money. 
He  cashed  in  his  vote,  his  pathreetism,  his  rellijon, 
his  rilitives,  and  finally  his  hair.  Ye  heerd  about  him, 
didn't  ye?  He's  lost  ivry  hair  on  his  head.  They 
ain't  a  spear  iv  vigitation  left  on  him.  He's  as  arid 
as  th'  desert  iv  Sahara.  His  head  looks  like  an 
iceberg  in  th'  moonlight.  He  was  in  here  th'  other 
day,  bewailin'  his  fate.  '  It's  a  gr-reat  misfortune,' 
says  he.  '  What  did  ye  get  fr  it?'  says  I.  '  That's 
th'  throuble,'  says  he.  *  Well,  don't  complain,'  says 
I.  '  Think  what  ye  save  in  barber's  bills,'  I  says,  an' 
he  wint  away,  lookin'  much  cheered  up. 

"  No,  Hinnissy,  you  and  I,  me  f rind,  was  not  cut 
out  be  Provydence  to  be  millyionaires.  If  ye  had 
nawthin'  but  money  ye'd  have  nawthin'  but  money. 
Ye  can't  ate  it,  sleep  it,  dhrink  it,  or  carry  it  away 
with  ye.  Ye've  got  a  lot  iv  things  that  McMullin 
hasn't  got.  Annybody  that  goes  down  to  Mose's 
won't  see  ye'er  peace  iv  mind  hangin'  in  th'  window 
as  an  unredeemed  pledge.  An',  annyhow,  if  ye're 
really  in  search  iv  a  fortune  perhaps  I  cud  help  ye. 
Wud  a  dollar  an'  a  half  be  anny  use  to  ye?" 

"  Life  is  full  iv  disappointments,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"  It  is,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  if  ye  feel  that  way. 
It's  thrue  that  a  good  manny  have  thried  it,  an'  none 
have  come  back  fr  post-grad j  ate  coorse.  But  still 
it  ain't  so  bad  as  a  career  fr  a  young  man.  Ye  niver 
get  what  ye  ordher,  but  it's  pretty  good  if  ye'er  ap- 
pytite  ain't  keen  an'  ye  care  fr  th'  scenery." 


SHORT    MARRIAGE 
CONTRACTS 


SHORT    MARRIAGE 
CONTRACTS 

"T  IT  7  HO    is    George    Meredith?"    asked   Mr. 

\/\/     Hennessy. 

?T  "Ye  can  search  me,"  said  Mr.  Doo- 

ley.    "  What  is  th'  charge  again'  him  ?" 

"  Nawthin',"  said  Mr.  Hennessy ;  "  but  I  see  he's 
in  favor  iv  short-term  marredges." 

"What  d'ye  mean?"  asked  Mr  Dooley.  "  Redu- 
cin'  th'  terms  f'r  good  behavyor?" 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  He  says  people 
ought  to  get  marrid  f'r  three  or  four  years  at  a  time. 
Thin,  if  they  don't  like  each  other,  or  if  wan  gets 
tired,  they  break  up  housekeepin'." 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  it  mightn't  be  a  bad 
thing.  Th'  throuble  about  mathrimony,  as  I  have 
obsarved  it  fr'm  me  seat  in  th'  gran'  stand,  is  that 
afther  fifteen  or  twinty  years  it  settles  down  to  an 
endurance  thrile.  *  Women,*  as  Hogan  says,  *  are 
creatures  iv  such  beaucheous  mien  that  to  be  loved 
they  have  but  to  be  seen ;  but,'  he  says,  *  wanst  they're 
seen  an'  made  secure,'  he  says,  '  we  first  embrace,  thin 
pity,  thin  endure,'  he  says.  Most  iv  th'  ol'  marrid 
men  I  know  threat  their  wives  like  a  rockin'-chair,  a 
great  comfort  whin  they're  tired,  but  apt  to  be  in 
th'  way  at  other  times. 

"  Now,  it  might  be  diff'rent  if  th'  ladies,  instead 
[43] 


Dissertations  by  Mr,  Dooley 

iv  bein'  secured  f 'r  life,  was  on'y  held  on  a  short-term 
lease.  Whin  Archybald,  th'  pride  iv  South  Wather 
Sthreet,  makes  up  his  mind  that  it  would  be  well  f 'r 
his  credit  if  he  enthered  th'  holy  bonds  iv  mathri- 
mony  an'  selects  th'  target  iv  his  mad  affections,  he 
thinks  that  all  he  has  to  do  is  to  put  a  geeranyum  in 
his  buttonhole  an'  inthrajooce  himsilf  be  his  first  name 
to  be  carrid  to  th'  altar.  But  th'  ladies,  Gawd  bless 
thim,  are  be  nature  skilled  in  this  game,  an'  befure 
Archybald  has  been  coortin'  two  weeks  he  begins  to 
shift  his  idees  iv  his  own  worth  He  finds  that  at 
best  he  has  on'y  an  outside  chance.  He  wondhers  if 
he  is  really  worthy  iv  th'  love  iv  an  innocint  young 
girl  iv  thirty-two.  Has  he  money  enough  to  support 
her  as  she  shud  be  supported?  He  even  has  doubts 
f 'r  th'  first  time  in  his  life  iv  his  own  ravishin9  beauty. 
He  detects  blemishes  that  he  niver  see  befure.  He 
discovers  that  what  he  used  to  considher  a  merry 
twinkle  is  a  slight  cast  in  th'  right  eye,  an'  that  th' 
fillin'  shows  in  his  teeth.  He  consults  a  manicure  an' 
a  hair-dhresser  an'  buys  th'  entire  stock  iv  a  gents' 
furnishin'-store.  Thin  whin  he's  thurly  humble  he 
goes  thremblin'  to  Belinda's  house,  raysolved  that  if 
th'  fair  wan  rayfuses  him,  as  she  prob'bly  will  an' 
surely  ought  to,  he  will  walk  off  th'  bridge  an'  end 
aU.  ' 

"  It's  at  this  time  that  th'  short-term  conthract 
shud  be  sprung.  I  don't  know  how  men  propose. 
I  niver  thried  it  but  wanst,  an'  th'  hired  girl  said  th' 
lady  was  not  at  home.  No  wan  will  iver  tell  ye. 
Most  marrid  men  give  ye  th'  impressyon  that  their 
wives  stole  thim  fr'm  their  agonized  parents.  But, 
anyhow,  we'll  suppose  that  Archybald,  layin'  a  silk 

[44] 


Short  Marriage   Contracts 

hankerchief  on  th'  carpet  an'  pullin'  up  th'  leg  iv 
his  pantaloons,  to  prevint  baggin',  hurls  himsilf  im- 
petchoosly  at  th'  feet  iv  his  adored  wan  an'  cries : 
4  Belinda,  I  can  on'y  offer  ye  th'  love  iv  an  honest 
South  Wather  Sthreet  commission  merchant  an'  mim- 
ber  iv  th'  Brotherhood  iv  Wholesale  an'  Retail 
Grocers.  Will  ye  take  me  f'r  life?'  Belinda  blushes 
a  rosy  red  an'  replies :  '  Archybald,  ye  ask  too  much. 
I  cannot  take  ye  f'r  life,  but  I'll  give  ye  a  five-year 
lease  an'  resarve  th'  right  to  renew  at  th'  end  iv  that 
time,'  she  says.  *  Will  that  do  ?'  says  she.  *  I  will 
thry  to  make  ye  happy,'  says  he.  An'  she  falls  on  his 
bosom,  an'  between  her  sobs  cries :  *  Thin  let  us  repair 
at  wanst  to  th'  Title  Guarantee  an'  Thrust  Comp'ny 
an'  be  made  man  an'  wife,'  she  says. 

"  Well,  after  Archybald  is  safely  marrid  his 
good  opinyon  iv  himsilf  returns.  Belinda  does  her 
share  to  encourage  him,  an'  befure  long  he  begins 
to  wondher  how  as  fine  a  fellow  as  him  come  to  throw 
himsilf  away.  Not  that  she  ain't  a  good  creature, 
d'ye  mind,  an'  slavishly  devoted  to  him.  He  hasn't 
annything  again'  her;  still,  think  iv  what  he  might 
have  done  if  he  had  on'y  known  his  thrue  worth. 
Whin  a  man  gets  a  good  repytation  he  doesn't  have 
to  live  up  to  it.  So  bimeby  Archybald,  knowin'  fr'm 
what  his  wife  says  that  he  is  handsome  enough  with- 
out anny  artificyal  aid,  f'rgets  th'  mannycure  an'  th' 
hair-dhresser.  Sometimes  he  shaves,  an'  sometimes  he 
doesn't.  So  far  as  he  is  consarned,  he  thinks  th' 
laundhry  bill  is  too  high.  He  advertises  th'  fact  that 
he  wears  a  red  flannel  chest-protictor.  His  principal 
convarsation  is  about  his  lumbago.  He  frequently 
mintions  that  he  likes  certain  articles  iv  food,  but  they 

[45] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

don't  like  him.  Whin  he  comes  home  at  night  he 
plays  with  th'  dog,  talks  pollyticks  with  his  next-dure 
neighbor,  puts  his  hat  an'  a  pair  iv  cuffs  on  th' 
piannah,  sets  down  in  front  iv  th'  fire,  kicks  off  his 
boots,  and  dhraws  on  a  pair  iv  carpet  slippers,  and 
thin  notices  that  the  wife  iv  his  bosom  is  on  th' 
premises.  *  Hello,  ol'  woman,'  he  says.  '  How's  all 
ye'er  throubles?'  he  says. 

"  Wanst  a  year  Belinda  meets  him  at  th'  dure  with 
a  flower  in  her  hair.  '  Well,'  he  says,  '  what  are  th' 
decorations  about  ?'  he  says.  '  Don't  ye  know  what 
day  this  is  ?'  says  she.  '  Sure,'  says  he,  '  it's  Choos- 
dah.'  'No,  but  what  day?'  'I  give  it  up.  St. 
Pathrick's  day,  Valentine's  day,  pay  day.  What's 
th'  answer?'  '  But  think.'  <  I  give  it  up.'  « It's  th' 
annyvarsary  iv  our  weddin'.'  *  Oh,'  says  he,  '  so  it 
is.  I'd  clean  f'rgot.  That's  right.  I  raymimber  it 
well,  now  that  ye  mintion  it.  Well,  betther  luck  nex' 
time.  There,  take  that,'  he  says.  An'  he  salutes  her 
on  th'  forehead  an'  goes  down  in  th'  cellar  to  wurruk 
on  a  patent  skid  that  will  rivoluchionize  th'  grocery 
business.  If  he  suffers  a  twinge  iv  remorse  later  he 
tells  her  to  take  two  dollars  out  iv  th'  housekeepin' 
money  an'  buy  herself  a  suitable  prisint. 

"  He's  pleasant  in  th'  avenin'.  At  supper,  havin' 
explained  his  daily  maladies  at  full  length,  he  re- 
lapses into  a  gloomy  silence,  broken  on'y  be  such 
sounds  as  escape  fr'm  a  man  dhrinkin'  hot  coffee. 
Afther  supper  he  figures  on  th'  prob'ble  market  f'r 
rutybagy  turnips,  while  his  wife  r-reads  th'  adver- 
tisements in  th'  theaytres.  '  Jawn  Drew  is  here  this 
week,'  says  she.  '  Is  he?'  says  Archybald.  '  That's 
good,'  he  says.  *  I  haven't  been  to  a  theaytre  since 

[46] 


Short  Marriage  Contracts 

Billy  Emerson  died,'  he  says.  '  I  hate  th'  theaytrc. 
It  ain't  a  bit  like  rale  life  as  I  see  it  in  business  hours,' 
he  says.  Afther  a  while,  whin  Belinda  begins  to  tell 
him  a  thrillin'  says-she  about  wan  iv  the  neighbors, 
he  lapses  into  a  pleasant  sleep,  now  an'  thin  arousin' 
himsilf  to  murmur :  '  Um-m.'  At  nine  o'clock  he 
winds  th'  clock,  puts  th'  dog  out  f'r  the  night,  takes 
off  his  collar  on  th'  stairs,  an'  goes  to  bed.  Belinda 
sets  up  a  little  later  an'  dhreams  Richard  Harding 
Davis  wrote  a  book  about  her. 

"  But  th'  five  years  ar-re  up  at  last.  Wan  mornin' 
Archybald  is  glarin'  fr'm  behind  a  newspaper  in  his 
customary  jaynial  breakfast  mood  whin  his  wife  says: 
*  Where  will  I  sind  ye'er  clothes ?'  «  What's  that?'  says 
he.  «  Where  d'ye  live  to-morrah?'  «  Don't  be  foolish, 
ol'  woman.  What  d'ye  mean?'  says  he.  I  mean,' 
says  she,  *  that  th'  lease  has  expired.  At  tin-thirty 
to-day  it  r-runs  out.  I  like  ye,  Archybald,  but  I 
think  I'll  have  to  let  ye  go.  Th'  property  has  r-run 
down.  Th'  repairs  haven't  been  kept  up.  Ye  haven't 
allowed  enough  for  wear  an'  tear.  It  looks  too  much 
like  a  boardin'-house.  I'm  goin'  into  th'  market  to 
prospect  f'r  a  husband  with  all  modhren  improve- 
ments,' says  she. 

"Well,  wudden't  that  be  a  jolt  f'r  Archybald? 
Ye  bet  he'd  beat  th'  quarther-mile  record  to  th' 
joolers.  He'd  haul  out  ol'  pitchers  iv  himsilf  as  he 
was  th'  day  he  won  his  threasure,  an'  he'd  hurry  to  a 
beauty  upholsterer  an'  say :  *  Make  me  as  like  that 
there  Apollo  Belvydere  as  ye  can  without  tearin'  me 
down  altogether.'  It  wud  be  fine.  He'd  get  her 
back,  maybe,  but  it  wud  be  a  sthruggle.  An'  afther 
that,  about  a  year  befure  th'  conthract  expired  again, 

[47] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

ye'd  see  him  pickin'  purple  ties  out  iv  th'  shop  win- 
dow, buyin'  theaytre  tickets  be  th'  scoor,  an'  stoppin' 
ivry  avenin'  at  a  flower-shop  to  gather  a  bunch  iv 
vilets  He'd  hire  a  man  to  nudge  him  whin  his 
birthday  come  around,  an'  ivry  time  th'  annyvarsary 
iv  th'  weddin'  occurred  he'd  have  a  firewurruks  dis- 
play fr'm  th'  front  stoop.  Whin  he'd  succeeded  in 
convincin'  th'  objeck  iv  his  affictions  that  she  cud  put 
up  with  him  f'r  another  five  years  they  cud  go  on 
their  weddin'  journey.  Ye'd  read  in  th'  pa-apers: 
'  Mist  her  an'  Mrs.  Archybald  Pullets  were  marrid 
again  las'  night  be  th'  president  iv  th'  First  Nay- 
tional  Bank.  They  departed  on  their  twelfth  wed- 
din' journey,  followed  be  a  shower  iv  rice  fr'm  their 
gr-reat  grandchildher.'  It  wud  be  fine.  I  hope 
George  What's-his-name  puts  it  through." 

"  I  don't  believe  wan  wurrud  ye  say,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  P'raps  not,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  In  me  heart 
I  think  if  people  marry  it  ought  to  be  f'r  life  Th' 
laws  ar-re  altogether  too  lenient  with  thim." 


THE   BRINGING   UP    OF 
CHILDREN 


THE     BRINGING    UP     OF 
CHILDREN 

"TT^V  ID  ye  iver  see  a  man  as  proud  iv  anny- 
1  thing  as  Hogan  is  iv  that  kid  iv  his?"  said 

1   J   Mr.  Dooley. 

"  Wait  till  he's  had  iliven,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Oh,  iv  coorse,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Ye  have  con- 
timpt  f'r  an  amachoor  father  that  has  on'y  wan  off- 
spring. An  ol'  profissyonal  parent  like  ye,  that's 
practically  done  nawthin'  all  ye'er  life  but  be  a  father 
to  helpless  childher,  don't  understand  th'  emotions 
iv  th'  author  iv  a  limited  edition.  But  Hogan  don't 
care.  So  far  as  I  am  able  to  judge  fr'm  what  he  says, 
his  is  th'  on'y  perfect  an'  complete  child  that  has 
been  projooced  this  cinchry.  He  looks  on  you  th' 
way  Hinnery  James  wud  look  on  Mary  Jane  Holmes. 

"  I  wint  around  to  see  this  here  projidy  th'  other 
day.  Hogan  met  me  at  th'  dure.  '  Wipe  off  ye'er 
feet,'  says  he  '  Why,'  says  I.  *  Baby,'  says  he. 
'  Mickrobes,'  he  says.  He  thin  conducted  me  to  a 
basin  iv  water,  an'  insthructed  me  to  wash  me  hands 
in  a  preparation  iv  carbolic  acid.  Whin  I  was  thurly 
perfumed  he  inthrajooced  me  to  a  toothless  ol'  gin- 
tleman  who  was  settin'  up  in  a  cradle  atin'  his  right 
foot.  'Ain't  he  fine?'  says  Hogan.  '  Wondherf  ul,' 
says  I.  '  Did  ye  iver  see  such  an  expressyon  ?'  says 
he.  '  Niver,'  says  I,  '  as  Hiven  is  me  judge,  niver.' 

[51] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

*  Look  at  his  hair,'  he  says.  '  I  will,'  says  I.  '  Ain't 
his  eyes  beautiful  ?'  '  They  ar-re,'  I  says.  '  Ar-re 
they  glass  or  on'y  imitation?'  says  I.  '  An'  thim 
cunning  little  feet,'  says  he.  *  On  close  inspiction,' 
says  I,  '  yes,  they  ar-re.  They  ar're  feet.  Ye'er 
offspring  don't  know  it,  though.  He  thinks  that  wan 
is  a  doughnut.'  *  He's  not  as  old  as  he  looks,'  says 
Hogan.  '  He  cudden't  be,'  says  I.  *  He  looks  old 
enough  to  be  a  Dimmycratic  candydate  f 'r  Vice-Prisi- 
dint.  Why,  he's  lost  most  iv  his  teeth,'  I  says.  '  Go 
wan,'  says  he;  '  he's  just  gettin*  thim.  He  has  two 
uppers  an'  four  lowers,'  he  says.  *  If  he  had  a  few 
more  he'd  be  a  sleepin'-car,'  says  I.  '  Does  he  speak?' 
says  I.  '  Sure,'  says  Hogan  '  Say  poppa,'  he  says. 
"  Gah,"  says  young  Hogan.  '  Hear  that?'  says  Ho- 
gan ;  '  that's  poppa.  Say  momma,'  says  he.  "  Gah," 
says  th'  projidy.  '  That's  momma,'  says  Hogan. 
"  See,  here's  Misther  Dooley,  says  he.  "  Blub,"  says 
th'  phenomynon.  '  Look  at  that,'  says  Hogan ;  '  he 
knows  ye,'  he  says. 

"  Well,  ye  know,  Hinnissy,  wan  iv  th'  things  that 
has  made  me  popylar  in  th'  ward  is  that  I  make  a 
bluff  at  adorin'  childher.  Between  you  an'  me,  I'd 
as  lave  salute  a  dish-rag  as  a  recent  infant,  but  I 
always  do  it.  So  I  put  on  an  allurin'  smile,  an'  says 
I,  *  Well,  little  ol'  goozy  goo,  will  he  give  his  Doo- 
leyums  a  kiss?'  At  that  minyit  Hogan  seized  me  be 
th'  collar  an'  dhragged  me  away  fr'm  th'  cradle. 
6  Wud  ye  kill  me  child?'  says  he.  'How?'  says  I. 
'With  a  kiss,'  says  he.  'Am  I  that  bad?'  says  I. 
'  Don't  ye  know  that  there  ar-re  mickrobes  that  can 
be  thransmitted  to  an  infant  in  a  kiss?'  says  he. 
'  Well,'  says  I,  with  indignation,  '  I'm  not  proud  iv 

[52] 


The  Bringing  up  of  Children 

mesilf  as  an  antiseptic  American,'  I  says,  '  but  in  an 
encounther  between  me  an'  that  there  young  canni- 
bal,' I  says,  '  I'll  lave  it  to  th'  board  iv  health  who 
takes  th'  biggest  chance,'  I  says,  an'  we  wint  out,  fol- 
lowed be  a  howl  fr'm  th'  projidy.  *  He's  singin',' 
says  Hogan.  *  He  has  lost  his  notes,'  says  I. 

"  Whin  we  got  down-stairs  Hogan  give  me  a  lect- 
ure on  th'  bringin'  up  iv  childher.  As  though  I 
needed  it,  me  that's  been  consulted  on  bringin'  up 
half  th'  childher  in  Archey  Road.  *  In  th'  old  days,' 
says  he,  *  childher  was  brought  up  catch-as-catch- 
can,'  he  says.  '  But  it's  diff'rent  now.  They're  as 
carefully  watched  as  a  geeranyum  in  a  consarvatory,' 
he  says.  '  I  have  a  book  here  on  th'  subjick,'  he  says. 
*  Here  it  is.  Th'  first  thing  that  shud  be  done  f'r  a 
child  is  to  deprive  it  iv  its  parents.  Th'  less  th'  in- 
fant sees  iv  poppa  an  momma  th'  betther  f'r  him. 
If  they  ar-re  so  base  as  to  want  to  look  at  th'  little 
darlin'  they  shud  first  be  examined  be  a  competent 
physician  to  see  that  there  is  nawthin'  wrong  with 
thim  that  they  cud  give  th'  baby.  They  will  thin 
take  a  bath  iv  sulphuric  acid,  an'  havin'  carefully 
attired  thimsilves  in  a  sturlized  rubber  suit,  they  will 
approach  within  eight  feet  iv  th'  objeck  iv  their 
ignoble  affection  an'  lave  at  wanst.  In  no  case  must 
they  kiss,  hug,  or  fondle  their  projiny.  Manny  dis- 
eases, such  as  lumbago,  pain  in  th'  chest,  premachoor 
baldness,  senile  decrepitude,  which  are  privalent 
among  adults,  can  be  communicated  to  a  child  fr'm 
th'  parent.  Besides,  it  is  bad  f'r  th'  moral  nature 
iv  th'  infant.  Affection  f'r  its  parents  is  wan  iv 
th'  mos'  dangerous  symptoms  iv  rickets.  Th' 
parents  may  not  be  worthy  iv  th'  love  iv  a 

[53] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

thurly  sturlized  child.  An  infant's  first  jooty  is 
to  th'  docthor,  to  whom  it  owes  its  bein'  an' 
stayin'.  Childher  ar-re  imitative,  an'  if  they  see 
much  iv  their  parents  they  may  grow  up  to  look  like 
thim.  That  wud  be  a  great  misfortune.  If  parents 
see  their  childher  befure  they  enther  Harvard  they 
ar-re  f'rbidden  to  teach  thim  foolish  wurruds  like 
"  poppa  "  an'  "  momma."  At  two  a  properly  brought 
up  child  shud  be  able  to  articulate  distinctly  th' 
wurrud  "  Docthor  Bolt  on  th'  Care  an'  Feedin'  iv 
Infants,"  which  is  betther  thin  sayin'  "  momma,"  an* 
more  exact. 

"  *  Gr-reat  care  shud  be  taken  iv  th'  infant's  food. 
Durin'  th'  first  two  years  it  shud  have  nawthin'  but 
milk.  At  three  a  little  canary-bur-rd  seed  can  be  add- 
ed. At  five  an  egg  ivry  other  Choosdah.  At  siven  an 
orange.  At  twelve  th'  child  may  ate  a  shredded  biscuit. 
At  forty  th'  little  tot  may  have  stewed  prunes.  An'  so 
on.  At  no  time,  howiver,  shud  th'  child  be  stuffed 
with  greengages,  pork  an'  beans,  onions,  Boston 
baked  brown-bread,  saleratus  biscuit,  or  other  food. 

"  '  It's  wondherful,'  says  Hogan,  '  how  they've  got 
it  rayjooced  to  a  science.  They  can  almost  make  a 
short  baby  long  or  a  blond  baby  black  be  addin'  to 
or  rayjoocin'  th'  amount  iv  protides  an'  casens  in 
th'  milk,'  he  says.  '  Haven't  ye  iver  kissed  ye'er 
young?'  says  I.  '  Wanst  in  awhile,'  he  says,  '  whin 
I'm  thurly  disinfected  I  go  up  an'  blow  a  kiss  at  him 
through  th'  window,'  he  says. 

"  «  Well,'  says  I,  « it  may  be  all  right,'  I  says,  « but 
if  I  cud  have  a  son  an'  heir  without  causin'  talk  I  bet 
ye  I'd  not  apply  f'r  a  permit  fr'm  th'  health  boord 
f'r  him  an'  me  to  come  together.  Parents  was  made 

[54] 


The  Bringing  tip  of  Children 

befure  childher,  aimyhow,  an'  they  have  a  prire  claim 
to  be  considhered.  Sure,  it  may  be  a  good  thing  to 
bring  thim  up  on  a  sanitary  plan,  but  it  seems  to 
me  they  got  along  all  right  in  th'  ol'  days  whin 
number  two  had  just  larned  to  fall  down-stairs  at 
th'  time  number  three  entered  th'  wurruld.  Maybe 
they  were  sthronger  thin  they  ar-re  now.  Th' 
docthor  niver  pretinded  to  see  whether  th'  milk  was 
properly  biled.  He  cudden't  very  well.  Th'  childher 
was  allowed  to  set  up  at  th'  table  an'  have  a  good  cup 
iv  tay  an'  a  pickle  at  two.  If  there  was  more  thin 
enough  to  go  around,  they  got  what  nobody  else 
wanted.  They  got  plenty  iv  fresh  air  play  in'  in 
alleys  an'  vacant  lots,  an'  ivry  wanst  in  a  while  they 
were  allowed  to  go  down  an'  fall  into  th'  river.  No 
attintion  was  paid  to  their  dite.  Th'  prisint  race 
iv  heroes  who  are  now  startlin'  th'  wurrould  in  finance, 
poly  tics,  th'  arts  an'  sciences,  burglary,  an'  lithra- 
choor,  was  brought  up  on  wathermillon  rinds,  specked 
apples,  raw  onions  stolen  fr'm  th'  grocer,  an'  cocoa- 
nut-pie.  Their  nursery  was  th'  back  yard.  They 
larned  to  walk  as  soon  as  they  were  able,  an'  if  they 
got  bow-legged  ivrybody  said  they  wud  be  sthrong 
men.  As  f'r  annybody  previntin'  a  fond  parent  fr'm 
comin'  home  Saturdah  night  an'  wallowin'  in  his 
beaucheous  child,  th'  docthor  that  suggisted  it  wud 
have  to  move.  No,  sir,'  says  I,  '  get  as  much  amuse- 
mint  as  ye  can  out  iv  ye'er  infant,'  says  I.  *  Teach 
him  to  love  ye  now,'  I  says, '  before  he  knows.  Afther 
a  while  he'll  get  onto  ye  an'  it  '11  be  too  late.* " 

"  Ye  know  a  lot  about  it,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  do,"  said  Mr.  Dooley  "  Not  bein'  an  author, 
I'm  a  gr-reat  critic." 


THE    LABOR    TROUBLES 


THE    LABOR    TROUBLES 

"T  SEE  th'  sthrike  has  been  called  off,"  said  Mr. 

Hennessy. 

JL  "  Which  wan?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley.  "  I  can't 
keep  thrack  iv  thim.  Somebody  is  sthrikin'  all  th' 
time.  Wan  day  th'  horseshoers  are  out,  an'  another 
day  th'  teamsters.  Th'  Brotherhood  iv  Molasses 
Candy  Pullers  sthrikes,  an'  th'  Amalgymated  Union 
iv  Pickle  Sorters  quits  in  sympathy.  Th'  carpinter 
that  has  been  puttin'  up  a  chicken  coop  f'r  Hogan 
knocked  off  wurruk  whin  he  found  that  Hogan  was 
shavin'  himsilf  without  a  card  fr'm  th'  Barbers' 
Union.  Hogan  fixed  it  with  th'  walkin'  dillygate  iv 
th'  barbers,  an'  th'  carpinter  quit  wurruk  because  he 
found  that  Hogan  was  wearin'  a  pair  iv  non-union 
pants.  Hogan  wint  down-town  an'  had  his  pants 
unionized  an'  come  home  to  find  that  th'  carpinter 
had  sthruck  because  Hogan's  hens  was  layin'  eggs 
without  th'  union  label.  Hogan  injooced  th'  hens 
to  jine  th'  union.  But  wan  iv  thim  laid  an  egg  two 
days  in  succission  an'  th'  others  sthruck,  th'  rule  iv 
th'  union  bein'  that  no  hen  shall  lay  more  eggs  thin 
th'  most  reluctant  hen  in  th'  bunch. 

"  It's  th'  same  ivrywhere.  I  haven't  had  a  sand- 
wich f'r  a  year  because  ivry  time  I've  asked  f'r  wan 
ayether  th'  butchers  or  th'  bakers  has  been  out  on 
sthrike.  If  I  go  down  in  a  car  in  th'  mornin'  it's 

[59] 


Dissertations  by  Mr»  Dooley 

eight  to  wan  I  walk  back  at  night.  A  man  I  knew 
had  his  uncle  in  th'  house  much  longer  than  ayether 
iv  thim  had  intinded  on  account  iv  a  sthrike  iv  th' 
Frindly  Brotherhood  iv  Morchuary  Helpers.  Afther 
they'd  got  a  permit  fr'm  th'  walkin'  dillygate  an' 
th'  remains  was  carrid  away  undher  a  profusyon  iv 
floral  imblims  with  a  union  label  on  each  iv  thim,  th' 
coortege  was  stopped  at  ivry  corner  be  a  picket,  who 
first  punched  th'  mourners  an'  thin  examined  their 
credintials.  Me  f rind  says  to  me :  '  Uncle  Bill  wud've 
been  proud.  He  was  very  fond  iv  long  fun'rals,  an' 
this  was  th'  longest  I  iver  attinded.  It  took  eight 
hours,  an'  was  much  more  riochous  goin'  out  thin 
comin'  back,'  he  says. 

"  It  was  diff'rent  whin  I  was  a  young  man,  Hin- 
nissy.  In  thim  days  Capital  an'  Labor  were  frindly, 
or  Labor  was.  Capital  was  like  a  father  to  Labor, 
givin'  it  its  boord  an'  lodgin's.  Nayether  inther- 
fered  with  th'  other.  Capital  wint  on  capitalizing  an' 
Labor  wint  on  laborin'.  In  thim  goolden  days  a 
wurrukin'  man  was  an  honest  artisan.  That's  what  he 
was  proud  to  be  called.  Th'  week  befure  iliction  he 
had  his  pitcher  in  th'  funny  pa-apers.  He  wore 
a  square  paper  cap  an'  a  leather  apron,  an'  he 
had  his  ar-rm  ar-round  Capital,  a  rosy  binivolint 
old  guy  with  a  plug-hat  an'  eye-glasses.  They 
were  goin'  to  th'  polls  together  to  vote  f'r  simple  old 
Capital. 

"  Capital  an'  Labor  walked  ar-rm  in  ar-rm  instead 
iv  havin'  both  hands  free  as  at  prisint.  Capital  was 
contint  to  be  Capital,  an'  Labor  was  used  to  bein' 
Labor.  Capital  come  ar-round  an'  felt  th'  ar-rm  iv 
Labor  wanst  in  a  while,  an'  ivry  year  Mrs.  Capital 

[60] 


The  Labor  Troubles 

called  on  Mrs.  Labor  an'  congratylated  her  on  her 
score.  Th'  pride  iv  ivry  artisan  was  to  wurruk  as 
long  at  his  task  as  th'  boss  cud  afford  to  pay  th' 
gas  bill.  In  return  f'r  his  fidelity  he  got  a  turkey 
ivry  year.  At  Chris'mas  time  Capital  gathered  his 
happy  fam'ly  around  him,  an'  in  th'  prisince  iv  th' 
ladies  iv  th'  neighborhood  give  thim  a  short  oration. 
'  Me  brave  la-ads,'  says  he,  '  we've  had  a  good  year. 
(Cheers.)  I  have  made  a  millyon  dollars.  (Sinsa- 
tion. )  I  atthribute  this  to  me  supeeryor  skill,  aided  be 
ye'er  arnest  efforts  at  th'  bench  an'  at  th'  forge. 
(Sobs.)  Ye  have  done  so  well  that  we  won't  need  so 
manny  iv  us  as  we  did.  (Long  an'  continyous  cheer- 
in'.)  Those  iv  us  who  can  do  two  men's  wurruk  will 
remain,  an',  if  possible,  do  four.  Our  other  faithful 
sarvants,'  he  says,  '  can  come  back  in  th'  spring,'  he 
says,  '  if  alive,'  he  says.  An'  th'  bold  artysans  tossed 
their  paper  caps  in  th'  air  an'  give  three  cheers  f'r 
Capital.  They  wurruked  till  ol'  age  crept  on  thim, 
and  thin  retired  to  live  on  th'  wish-bones  an'  kind 
wurruds  they  had  accumylated. 

"  Nowadays  'tis  far  diff 'rent.  Th'  unions  has  de- 
sthroyed  all  individjool  effort.  Year  be  year  th' 
hours  iv  th'  misguided  wurrukin'  man  has  been  cut 
down,  till  now  it  takes  a  split-second  watch  to  time 
him  as  he  goes  through  th'  day's  wurruk.  I  have  a 
gintleman  plasthrer  frind  who  tells  me  he  hasn't 
put  in  a  full  day  in  a  year.  He  goes  to  his  desk  ivry 
mornin'  at  tin  an'  sthrikes  punchooly  at  iliven.  '  Th' 
wrongs  iv  th'  wurrukin'  men  mus'  be  redhressed,'  says 
he.  '  Ar-re  ye  inthrested  in  thim?'  says  I.  *  Ye  niver 
looked  betther  in  ye'er  life,'  says  I.  *  I  niver  felt 
betther,'  he  says.  *  It's  th'  out-iv-dure  life,'  he  says. 

[61] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Doolcy 

*  I  haven't  missed  a  baseball  game  this  summer,'  he 
says.  '  But,'  he  says,  '  I  need  exercise.  I  wish  Labor 
Day  wud  come  around.  TV  boys  has  choose  me  to 
carry  a  life-size  model  iv  th'  Masonic  Temple  in  th' 
parade,'  he  says. 

"  If  I  was  a  wurrukin'  man  I'd  sigh  f 'r  th'  good 
ol'  days,  whin  Labor  an'  Capital  were  frinds.  Those 
who  lived  through  thim  did.  In  thim  times  th'  arrys- 
tocracy  iv  labor  was  th'  la-ads  who  r-run  th'  railroad 
injines.  They  were  a  proud  race.  It  was  a  boast  to 
have  wan  iv  thim  in  a  fam'ly.  They  niver  sthruck. 
'Twas  again'  their  rules.  They  conferred  with  Capi- 
tal. Capital  used  to  weep  over  thim.  Ivry  wanst  in 
a  while  a  railroad  prisidint  wud  grow  red  in  th'  face 
an'  burst  into  song  about  thim.  They  were  a  body 
that  th'  nation  might  well  be  proud  iv.  If  he  had  a 
son  who  asked  f'r  no  betther  fate,  he  wud  ask  f'r  no 
betther  fate  f'r  him  thin  to  be  a  Brotherhood  iv  Lo- 
cymotive  Ingineers.  Ivrybody  looked  up  to  thim, 
an'  they  looked  down  on  ivrybody,  but  mostly  on  th' 
bricklayers.  Th'  bricklayers  were  niver  bulwarks 
iv  th'  constichoochion.  They  niver  conferred  with 
Capital.  Th'  polis  always  arrived  just  as  th'  con- 
ference was  beginnin'.  Their  motto  was  a  long  life 
an'  a  merry  wan ;  a  brick  in  th'  hand  is  worth  two  on 
th'  wall.  They  sthruck  ivry  time  they  thought  iv  it. 
They  sthruck  on  th'  slightest  provocation,  an'  whin 
they  weren't  provoked  at  all.  If  a  band  wint  by  they 
climbed  down  th'  laddhers  an'  followed  it,  carryin' 
banners  with  th'  wurruds :  '  Give  us  bread  or  we 
starve,'  an'  walked  till  they  were  almost  hungry.  Ivry 
Saturdah  night  they  held  a  dance  to  protest  again' 
their  wrongs.  In  th'  summer-time  th'  wails  iv  th' 

[62] 


The  Labor  Troubles 

oppressed  bricklayers  wint  up  fr'm  countless  picnics. 
They  sthruck  in  sympathy  with  annybody.  Th' 
union  wint  out  as  wan  man  because  they  was  a  rumor 
that  th'  superintindent  iv  th'  rollin'-mills  was  not  nice 
to  his  wife.  Wanst  they  sthruck  because  Poland  was 
not  free. 

"  What  was  th'  ray  suit  ?  Their  unraisoning  de- 
mands fin'lly  enraged  Capital.  To-day  ye  can  go 
into  a  bricklayer's  house  an'  niver  see  a  capitalist  but 
th'  bricklayer  himsilf .  Forty  years  ago  a  bricklayer 
was  certain  iv  twelve  hours  wurruk  a  day,  or  two 
hours  more  thin  a  convicted  burglar.  To-day  he  has 
practically  nawthin'  to  do,  an'  won't  do  that.  They 
ar-re  out  iv  wurruk  nearly  all  th'  time  an'  at  th'  sea- 
shore. Jus'  as  often  as  ye  read  *  Newport  colony 
fillin'  up,'  ye  read,  '  Bricklayers  sthrike  again.'  Ye 
very  sildom  see  a  bricklayer  nowadays  in  th'  city. 
They  live  mostly  in  th'  counthry,  an'  on'y  come  into 
town  to  be  bribed  to  go  to  wurruk.  It  wud  pay  anny 
man  who  is  buildin'  a  house  to  sind  thim  what  money 
he  has  be  mail  an'  go  live  in  a  tent. 

"  An'  all  this  time,  how  about  th'  arrystocracy  iv 
labor,  th'  knights  iv  th'  throttle?  Have  they  been 
deprived  iv  anny  hours  iv  labor?  On  th'  conthry, 
they  have  steadily  increased,  ontil  to-day  there  is  not 
a  knight  iv  th'  throttle  who  hasn't  more  hours  iv 
wurruk  in  a  day  thin  he  can  use  in  a  week.  In  th' 
arly  mornin',  whin  he  takes  his  ir'n  horse  out  iv  th' 
stall,  he  meets  th'  onforchnit,  misguided  bricklayer 
comin'  home  in  a  cab  fr'm  a  sthrike  meetin'.  Hardly 
a  year  passes  that  he  can't  say  to  his  wife :  *  Mother, 
I've  had  an  increase.'  '  In  wages  ?'  *  No,  in  hours.' 
It's  th'  old  story  iv  th'  ant  an'  th'  grasshopper — th' 

[63] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

ant  that  ye  can  step  on  an'  th'  grasshopper  ye  can't 
catch. 

"  Well,  it's  too  bad  that  th'  goolden  days  has 
passed,  Hinnissy.  Capital  still  pats  Labor  on  th' 
back,  but  on'y  with  an  axe.  Labor  rayfuses  to  be 
threated  as  a  frind.  It  wants  to  be  threated  as  an 
inimy.  It  thinks  it  gets  more  that  way.  They  ar-re 
still  a  happy  fam'ly,  but  it's  more  like  an  English 
fam'ly.  They  don't  speak.  What  do  I  think  iv  it 
all?  Ah,  sure,  I  don't  know.  I  belong  to  th'  on- 
forchnit  middle  class.  I  wurruk  hard,  an'  I  have  no 
money.  They  come  in  here  undher  me  hospital  roof, 
an'  I  furnish  thim  with  cards,  checks,  an'  refrish- 
mints.  '  Let's  play  without  a  limit,'  says  Labor. 
'  It's  Dooley's  money.'  '  Go  as  far  as  ye  like  with 
Dooley's  money,'  says  Capital.  '  What  have  ye  got  ?' 
'  I've  got  a  straight  to  Roosevelt,'  says  Labor.  '  I've 
got  ye  beat,'  says  Capital.  '  I've  got  a  Supreme 
Court  full  of  injunctions.'  Manetime  I've  pawned 
me  watch  to  pay  f'r  th'  game,  an'  I  have  to  go  to  th' 
joolry-store  on  th'  corner  to  buy  a  pound  iv  beef  or 
a  scuttle  iv  coal.  No  wan  iver  sthrikes  in  sympathy 
with  me." 

"  They  ought  to  get  together,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  How  cud  they  get  anny  closer  together  thin  their 
prisint  clinch?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley.  "  They're  so 
close  together  now  that  those  that  ar-re  between  thim 
ar-re  crushed  to  death." 


THE    AUTOMOBILE 


THE   AUTOMOBILE 

"  ^  "IT  TELL,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  it  mus' 
%/%/     be   gran'   to   be  rich  an'   go   r-runnin' 
T     T       around   th'    counthry    in   wan    iv   thim 
autymobills." 

"  It  must  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  It's  th'  gran' 
spoort  entirely.  Next  to  a  naygro  agitator  in 
Georgia,  I  don't  suppose  anny  man  gets  as  much  ex- 
citement out  iv  a  short  life  as  a  millyonaire  who  owns 
an  autymobill.  Fr'm  all  I  can  larn  about  it  fr'm  th' 
pa-apers,  a  millyonaire  with  an  autymobill  is  con- 
stantly steerin'  between  th'  county  jail  an'  th'  poor- 
house.  If  th'  polis  don't  land  him  in  wan,  th'  auty- 
mobill will  in  th'  other. 

"  Whin  Algernon's  father  dies,  lavin'  him  th' 
money  iv  th'  widow  an'  th'  orphan,  Algernon  brushes 
a  tear  fr'm  his  eye  an'  hurries  over  to  Paris  to  get  an 
autymobill.  Father  used  to  go  down-town  in  a  'bus, 
figurin'  inthrest  on  his  cuffs,  but  there  is  nawthin' 
f 'r  Algy  but  an  eighty  horse-power  red  divvle  that  '11 
make  th'  demon  haste-wagon  iv  his  frind  nex'  dure 
look  like  a  mud-scow.  An'  he  buys  wan,  an'  with  it 
a  Fr-rinch  shover.  He  calls  th'  shover  Franswaw, 
an'  th'  shover  calls  him  *  Canal.'  He  is  a  haughty 
fireman,  this  la-ad,  f'r  he  is  a  discindint  iv  Louis  Flip, 
an'  th'  blood  iv  kings  coorses  in  his  veins.  He  soon 

[67] 


Dissertations    by  Mr*   Dooley 

teaches  Algernon  his  place,  which  is  undher  th'  au- 
tymobill,  fixin'  up  a  busted  valve,  an'  afther  that 
Algernon  niver  speaks  to  Franswaw  onless  he  is 
spoken  to,  an'  Franswaw  niver  speaks  undher  anny 
circumstances.  Algernon  turns  over  his  property  to 
him  to  buy  tires,  an'  resigns  himsilf  to  a  life  iv 
pleasure. 

"  He  has  it  while  th'  autymobill  is  in  th'  masheen 
shop  havin'  a  few  repairs  put  into  it.  But  wan  day 
all  is  r-ready.  Algernon  asks  Franswaw  if  he  may 
go  f'r  a  spin,  an'  Franswaw  motions  him  into  th' 
seat  iv  honor  beside  th'  shover.  Now  they're  off! 
Look  at  thim  dash  through  th'  crowded  sthreets, 
where  th'  happy  childher  iv  th'  tinimints  ar-re  at 
play.  How  glad  th'  childher  ar-re  to  see  thim.  Es- 
pecially that  little  boy  with  th'  goolden  locks.  See,  he 
has  a  turnip  in  his  hand.  Look,  look!  he  is  goin'  to 
give  it  to  Algy.  He  gives  it  to  him  just  back  iv  th' 
ear.  See  those  gintlemen  comin'  out  iv  a  saloon. 
How  proud  they  ar-re  to  meet  Algernon.  Look,  they 
ar-re  tearin'  up  th'  sthreets.  They  ar-re  actually 
goin'  to  give  Algernon  th'  r-right  iv  way.  He  gets 
it  in  th'  small  iv  th'  back.  What  ar-re  those  pretty 
little  girls  doin'?  They  ar-re  sthrewin'  something 
in  th'  sthreet.  Ar-re  they  sthrewin'  roses  f'r  Alger- 
non? No,  they  ar-re  sthrewin'  tacks.  What  is  that 
explosion  undher  th'  car,  followed  be  a  cry  iv  '  Get  a 
hoss'?  Algernon's  tires  have  reached  th'  tacks. 
Ar-re  th'  little  girls  happy?  They  ar-re  indeed. 
They  ar-re  laughin'  an'  throwin'  coal  into  Algy's 
lap.  Who  is  this  who  comes  r-runnin'  out  iv  a  saloon 
atin'  a  clove?  It  is  an  officer  iv  th'  law.  Why  does 
he  seize  Algernon  be  th'  hair  an'  dhrag  him  fr'm  th' 

[68] 


The  Automobile 

car?  Algy  is  pinched,  Hinnissy.  Th'  officer  has 
saved  him  fr'm  a  pauper's  grave. 

"  Now,  th'  sign  iv  a  haughty  aristocracy  is 
dhragged  befure  th'  coort  which  protects  th'  liber- 
ties iv  th'  people  an'  th'  freedom  iv  speech  iv  th' 
magistrates.  '  Haynious  monsther,'  says  th'  stern 
but  just  judge,  *  ye  have  been  caught  r-red-handed. 
What  have  ye  to  say  f'r  ye'ersilf  ?  Niver  mind,  it 
don't  make  anny  difference,  annyhow.  Ye  cudden't 
tell  th'  thruth.  I  have  no  prejudice  again'  ye,  riptile. 
I  believe  th'  autymobill  has  come  to  stay,  in  th'  barn. 
But  th'  rights  iv  citizens  mus'  be  pro-ticted.  Why, 
on'y  las'  week  I  was  speedin'  a  two-thirty  trotter  whin 
wan  iv  these  injines  iv  desthruction  come  along 
through  th'  crowded  thoroughfare  an'  near  fright- 
ened me  out  iv  me  wits.  I  stood  up  on  me  hind  legs, 
I  dhropped  th'  rains,  I  thried  to  jump  over  a  fence. 
If  it  hadn't  been  f'r  th'  ca'mness  iv  me  wife  an'  th' 
horse  I  wud  surely  have  r-run  away  an'  p'raps  have 
injured  somebody.  I  tell  ye  this  little  anecdote  to 
show  ye,  monsther,  that  I  have  no  prejudices.  Swear 
th'  witnesses.' 

"  John  Coolin,  dhruggist's  assistant,  tistyfied  that 
he  had  left  his  baby-carredge,  containin'  wan  four- 
teenth iv  all  he  possessed  on  arth,  on  th'  sidewalk 
while  he  wint  into  a  saloon  to  buy  a  postage-stamp. 
Whin  he  come  out  th'  vehicle  rolled  down  to  th' 
curb.  He  wud  swear  that  Algernon's  autymobill 
was  goin'  eighty  miles  an  hour.  Th'  coort :  *  How 
did  ye  time  him?'  '  Th'  witness:  '  Through  th'  news- 
papers.' 

"  August  Schmidt,  teamster,  tistyfied  that  while 
attimptin'  to  find  a  brick  to  throw  at  th'  masheen 

[69] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

(the  coort:  '  Good  f'r  you!')  he  slipped  an'  sprained 
his  ankle.  (  Cries  iv  '  Shame !' ) 

"  Officer  Doolittle  tistyfied  that  he  followed  Alger- 
non f'r  two  miles  on  foot.  He  wud  swear  that  he  was 
goin'  between  sixty  an'  wan  hundherd  an'  two  miles  an 
hour.  '  How  did  ye  time  him  ?' asked  th' coort.  'Berne 
stop-watch.'  'Whin  did  it  stop?'  'Last  week.' 
'  That's  all  I  want  to  hear,'  says  th'  lamed  coort. 
'  Algernon  Rox,  this  coort  always  timpers  justice 
with  mercy,  an'  timpers  mercy  with  timper.  I  will  not 
be  hard  on  ye.  It  is  ye'er  first  offinse.  I  will  merely 
sintince  ye  to  be  hanged.  An'  let  this  narrow  escape 
be  a  warnin'  to  ye,'  he  says. 

"  Such,  Hinnissy,  is  th'  happy  life  an'  arly  death 
iv  th'  millyonaire  with  th'  autymobill.  Did  I  iver 
r-ride  in  wan?  Almost,  wanst.  Wan  day  I  hear  a 
cry  iv  '  Kill  him,'  followed  be  a  shower  iv  bricks,  an' 
I  knew  some  millyonaire  was  out  f'r  a  jaunt  or  spin 
or  pinch  in  his  autymobill.  Who  shud  th'  millyon- 
aire be  but  Hogan.  He  has  a  frind  who  is  a  Fr-rinch 
shover.  Th'  millyonaire  an'  his  company  on  just  got 
to  me  dure  a  yard  in  fr-f ront  iv  th'  excited  popylace. 
I  wint  out  an'  ca'med  th'  peasanthry  with  a  few  well- 
chosen  kicks,  an'  Hogan  asked  me  to  go  f'r  a  spin 
as  far  as  Brighton  Park.  But  just  as  I  was  about  to 
step  into  me  proper  place  in  s'ciety  along  with  Jawn 
W.  Gates,  th'  autymobill  had  a  convulsion.  I  heerd 
a  terrific  rumblin'  in  its  inteeryor,  it  groaned  an' 
coughed,  an'  thried  to  jump  up  in  th'  air.  '  Some- 
thing is  wr-rong  with  ye'er  ir-n  bourse,'  says  I. 
'  He's  et  something  that  don't  agree  with  him.  Ye 
ought  to  take  him  to  a  vet.'  '  Come  along,'  says 
Hogan.  '  No,'  says  I,  '  I'll  not  r-ride  no  autymobill 

[70] 


The   Automobile 

with  th'  epizootic.  Ye  ought  to  be  took  up  be  th' 
s'ciety  f'r  th'  previntyon  iv  croolty  to  autymobills. 
Get  out  an'  lead  it  back  to  th'  barn,'  says  I.  *  Ye're 
crazy,'  says  he.  *  It's  all  right,'  says  he.  *  Alley,' 
says  he  to  th'  shover.  *  Alley  be  dam'd,'  says  th' 
shover  '  Th'  biler's  leakin'.'  Him  an'  Hogan  got 
down  on  th'  sthreet  an'  got  out  a  plumber's,  a  black- 
smith's, an'  a  carpenter's  outfit,  put  on  overalls  an' 
wint  to  wurruk. 

"  *  This  is  a  fine  spoort,'  says  I.  *  It's  ragal,' 
I  says.  *  How  happy  a  blacksmith's  helper  mus'  be 
to  get  two  dollars  a  day  f'r  bein'  an  autymobilist.' 

*  Shut  up,'  says  Hogan,  fr'm  undher  th'  car.     Whin 
he  come  out  he  looked  as  though  he'd  been  coalin' 
a  liner.    *  It's  all  ready  now,'  says  he.    But  it  wasn't. 
Th'  shover  wint  to  th'  front  an'  turned  a  crank.     A 
few  bars  iv  Wagner  followed,  an'  thin  th'  autymobill 
resigned.     Th'  shover  said  something  in  Fr-rinch  be 
which  I  recognized  that  he  come  fr'm  th'  same  Aron- 
dissemint  in  la  belle  Roscommon  as  mesilf ,  an'  turned 
again.     Th'  autymobill  groaned  an'  thrembled,  and 
Hogan  begun  to  bounce  on  his  seat,  th'  shover  lept 
into  th'  car,  pulled  five  levers,  put  on  th'  hard  pedal, 
an'  thin  th'  soft  blew  his  horn  an'  r-ran  into  an  ice- 
wagon.     '  We're  off,'  yells  Hogan.     *  Ye  ar-re,'  says 
I,  '  an'  so  is  ye'er  back  tire,'   f'r  wan  iv  th'  little 
earnest  wurrukers  among  th'  popylace  had  been  busy 
with  a  knife.    At  this  minyit  a  polisman  come  along. 
'Ye're  undher  arrest,'  says  he.     'What  f'r?'  says 
Hogan.     'F'r  exceedin'  th'  time  limit.     I  timed  ye 
at  sixty  miles  an  hour  fr'm  Halsted  Sthreet,'  he  says. 

*  An','   says  Hogan,  *  I  timed  ye  at  two  hours  in 
Schwartzmeister's  saloon,'  he  says.    '  An*  I'll  have  ye 

[71] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Doolcy 

up  befure  me  uncle  Captain  Hogan  to-morrow  Pr 
exceedin'  th'  sleep  limit,  an'  I'll  make  a  sthring  iv 
ye'er  buttons  f'r  th'  childher,'  he  says.  *  In  the  mane 
time,'  he  says,  *  go  an'  ketch  a  thief,'  he  says.  Thin 
he  got  down  out  iv  th'  autymobill.  *  Sullivan,'  he 
says  to  th'  shover,  *  take  that  insthrumint  iv  torture 
back  to  th'  asylum,'  he  says.  '  I  don't  want  to  be  a 
millyonaire,'  he  says.  *  With  ye'er  permission,  Mar- 
tin, I'll  go  in,  warsh  me  face,  an'  raysume  me  station 
as  a  poor  but  clane  citizen,'  he  says. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  I  don't  want  anny  autymo- 
bill, Hinnissy.  I  don't  want  to  pay  tin  thousan' 
dollars  to  be  onpopylar.  I'd  rather  have  th'  smiles 
iv  th'  poor  as  I  walk  amongst  thim  on  me  two  shape- 
ly legs  thin  rayceive  th'  brickbats  iv  th'  same  in  a 
circus-wagon  attached  to  a  cook-stove.  If  I  want  to 
be  a  blacksmith  I'll  jine  th'  union  an'  get  me  four  a 
day.  An'  if  I'm  to  be  arristed  at  all,  f'r  Hivin's  sake 
let  it  be  f'r  dhrunkenness. 

"  Do  I  think  th'  autymobill  has  come  to  stay  ? 
Sure,  I'll  niver  tell  ye.  I've  seen  all  th'  wurruld  but 
me  on  roller-skates.  I've  seen  ivrybody  ridin'  a  bicy- 
cle but  me.  Tin  years  ago,  whin  ye'er  son  was 
holdin'  on  to  ye'er  ar-rms  as  ye  reeled  up  th'  sthreet 
on  a  wheel,  say  in'  ye'er  prayers  wan  minyit  an'  th' 
revarse  another,  ye  to?  me  that  th'  bicycle  had  come 
to  stay  because  it  was  nicissry  to  get  around  quick. 
To-day  ye  blush  as  I  mintion  it.  Th'  autymobill  will 
stay  till  it  gets  cheap  enough  f'r  ivrybody  to  have 
wan.  Whin  th'  little,  eager  messenger-boys  is  dash- 
in'  up  th'  sthreet  in  a  eighty  horse-power  Demon 
Terror  th'  rich  will  be  flyin'  kites  or  r-runnin'  ba- 
loons,  an'  they'll  be  a  parachute  foorce  iv  polismen  to 

[72] 


The  Automobile 

chase  thim  acrost  th'  skies.  Be  that  time  ivrybody 
will  have  lamed  to  dodge  th'  autymobill.  That's  a 
good  plan  f'r  poor  people,  annyhow.  Dodge  th' 
exthravagances  iv  th'  r-rich.  They're  sure  to  bust 
a  tire  soon  or  late." 

"  I  think  they  ought  to  be  locked  up  f'r  tearin' 
through  th'  sthreets,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Well,  maybe,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "But  don't 
ye  think  a  man  that  owns  an  autymobill  is  punished 
enough  ?" 


THE    COMFORTS    OF   TRAVEL 


THE     COMFORTS     OF     TRAVEL 

"T  "V'YE  know,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "ye  can 
•  go  fr'm  Chicago  to  New  York  in  twinty 
JL^^  hours?  It  must  be  like  flyin'." 

"  It's  something  like  flyin',"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  but 
it's  also  like  fallin'  off  a  roof  or  bein'  clubbed  be  a 
polisman." 

"  It's  wondherf ul  how  luxuryous  modhren  thravel 
is,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Oh,  wondherful,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "It's  al- 
most a  dhream.  Ye  go  to  bed  at  night  in  Kansas 
City  an'  ye  ar-re  still  awake  in  Chicago  in  th'  morn- 
in'.  Ye  lave  New  York  to-day  an'  nex'  Thursdah 
ye  ar-re  in  San  Francisco  an'  can't  get  back.  An' 
all  th'  time  ye  injye  such  comforts  an'  iligances  as 
wud  make  th'  Shah  iv  Persha  invious  if  he  heerd  iv 
thim.  I  haven't  thravelled  much  since  I  hastily  put 
four  thousan'  miles  iv  salt  wather  an'  smilin'  land 
between  me  an'  th'  constabulary,  but  I've  always 
wanted  to  fly  through  space  on  wan  iv  thim  palace 
cars  with  th'  beautiful  names.  Th'  man  that  names 
th'  Pullman  cars  an'  th'  pa-aper  collars  iv  this  coun- 
thry  is  our  greatest  pote,  whoiver  he  is.  I  cud  see 
mesilf  steppin'  aboard  a  palace  on  wheels  called 
Obulula  or  Onarka  an'  bein'  fired  fr'm  wan  union 
deepo  to  another.  So  las'  month,  whin  a  towny  iv 
mine  in  Saint  Looey  asked  me  down  there,  I  deter- 

[77] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

mined  to  make  th'  plunge.  With  th'  invitation  come 
a  fine  consarvitive  article  be  th'  gin'ral  passenger 
agent  indivrin',  Hinnissy,  to  give  a  faint  idee  iv  th' 
glories  iv  th'  thrip.  There  was  pitchers  in  this  little 
pome  showin'  how  th'  thrain  looked  to  th'  passenger 
agent.  Iligantly  dhressed  ladies  an'  gintlemen  set 
in  th'  handsomely  upholstered  seats,  or  sthrolled 
through  th'  broad  aisles.  Pierpont  Morgan  was  dis- 
closed in  a  corner  dictatin'  a  letter  to  Andhrew  Car- 
naygie.  In  th'  barber-shop  Jawn  D.  Rockyfellar 
was  bein'  shaved.  In  th'  smokin'-car  ye  cud  see  a 
crowd  iv  jolly  men  play  in'  poker;  near  by  sat  three 
wags  tellin'  comic  stories,  while  a  naygur  waither 
dashed  to  an'  fro  an'  pushed  mint  juleps  into  th' 
f ash'nable  comp'ny .  Says  I  to  mesilf :  '  Here  is  life. 
They'll  have  to  dhrag  me  fr'm  that  rollin'  home  iv 
bliss  feet  foremost,'  says  I. 

"  An'  I  wint  boundin'  down  to  th'  deepo.  I  slung 
four  dollars  at  th'  prisidint  iv  th'  road  whin  he  had 
con-eluded  some  important  business  with  his  nails, 
an'  he  slung  back  a  yard  iv  green  paper,  by  which  I 
surrindered  me  rights  as  an  American  citizen.  With 
this  here  deed  in  me  hand  I  wint  through  a  line  iv 
haughty  gintlemen  in  unyform,  an'  wan  afther  an- 
other looked  at  th'  ticket  an'  punched  a  hole  in  it. 
Whin  I  got  to  th'  thrain  th'  last  iv  these  gr-reat  men 
says : '  Have  ye  got  a  ticket?'  '  I  had,'  says  I.  '  This 
porous  plasther  was  a  ticket  three  minyits  ago !'  '  Get 
aboard,'  says  he,  givin'  me  a  short,  frindly  kick,  an' 
in  a  minyit  I  found  mesilf  amid  a  scene  iv  Oryental 
splendhor  an'  no  place  to  put  me  grip-sack. 

"  I  stood  dhrinkin'  in  th'  glories  iv  th'  scene  un- 
til a  proud  man,  who  cud  qualify  on  color  f'r  all  his 

[78] 


The  Comforts  of  Travel 

meals  at  th'  White  House,  come  up  an'  ordhered  me  to 
bed.  Fond  as  I  am  iv  th'  colored  man,  Hinnissy,  I 
wud  sometimes  wish  that  th'  summer  styles  in  Pull- 
man porters  was  more  light  an'  airy.  It  is  thrue 
that  th'  naygur  porter  is  more  durable  an'  doesn't 
show  th'  dirt,  but  on  th'  other  hand  he  shows  th'  heat 
more.  *  Where,'  says  I,  '  do  I  sleep?'  '  I  don't  know 
where  ye  sleep,  cap,'  says  he,  '  but  ye'er  ticket  reads 
f 'r  an  upper  berth.'  '  I  wud  prefer  a  thrapeze,'  says 
I,  '  but  if  ye'll  call  out  th'  fire  department  maybe 
they  can  help  me  in,'  I  says.  At  that  he  projooced 
a  scalin'  laddher,  an'  th'  thrain  goin'  around  a  curve 
at  that  minyit  I  soon  found  mesilf  on  me  hands  an' 
knees  in  wan  iv  th'  cosiest  little  up-stairs  rooms  ye 
iver  saw.  He  dhrew  th'  curtains,  an'  so  will  I.  But 
some  day  whin  I  am  down-town  I  am  goin'  to  dhrop 
in  on  me  frind  th'  prisidint  iv  th'  Pullman  Company 
an'  ask  him  to  publish  a  few  hints  to  th'  wayfarer. 
I  wud  like  to  know  how  a  gintleman  can  take  off  his 
clothes  while  settin'  on  thim.  It  wud  help  a  good  deal 
to  know  what  to  do  with  th'  clothes  whin  ye  have 
squirmed  out  iv  thim.  Ar-re  they  to  be  rolled  up  in 
a  ball  an'  pla*ced  undher  th'  head  or  dhropped  into 
th'  aisle?  Again,  in  th'  mornin'  how  to  get  into  th' 
clothes  without  throwin'  th'  thrain  off  th'  thrack?  I 
will  tell  ye  confidintially,  Hinnissy,  that  not  bein'  a 
contortionist  th'  on'y  thing  I  took  off  was  me  hat. 

"  Th'  thrain  sped  on  an'  on.  I  cud  not  sleep.  Th' 
luxury  iv  thravel  kept  me  wide  awake.  Who  wud 
coort  slumber  in  such  a  cosey  little  bower?  There 
were  some  that  did  it ;"  I  heerd  thim  coortin'.  But  not 
I.  I  lay  awake  while  we  flew,  or,  I  might  say, 
bumped  through  space.  It  did  not  seem  a  minyit 

[79] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

befure  we  were  in  Saint  Looey.  It  seemed  a  year. 
On  an'  iver  on  we  flew  past  forest,  river,  an'  plain. 
Th'  lights  burned  brightly  just  over  me  left  ear,  th' 
windows  was  open  an'  let  in  th'  hoarse,  exultant  shriek 
iv  th'  locymotive,  th'  conversation  iv  th'  baggage- 
man to  th'  heavy  thrunk,  th'  bammy  night  air,  an' 
gr-reat  purple  clouds  iv  Illinye  coal  smoke.  I  took 
in  enough  iv  this  splindid  product  iv  our  prairie  soil 
to  qualify  as  a  coal-yard.  Be  th'  time  th'  sun  peeked, 
or,  I  may  say,  jumped  into  me  little  roost,  I  wud've 
made  a  cheerful  grate-fire  an'  left  a  slight  deposit 
iv  r-red  ashes. 

"  Th'  mornin'  came  too  soon.  I  called  me  illus- 
threes  almost  Booker  Wash'nton,  an'  with  th'  assist- 
ance iv  th'  step-laddher,  th'  bell-rope,  an'  th'  bald 
head  iv  th'  man  in  th'  lower  berth,  I  bounded  lightly 
out  iv  me  little  nook  an'  rose  fr'm  th'  flure  with  no 
injury  worse  thin  a  sprained  ankle.  I  thin  walked 
th'  long  an'  splindid  aisle,  flanked  be  gintlemen  who 
were  writhin'  into  their  clothin',  an'  soon  found  mesilf 
in  th'  superbly  app'inted  washroom. 

"  What  hasn't  American  ingenuity  done  f 'r  th' 
wurruld?  Here  we  were  fairly  flyin'  through  space, 
or  stoppin'  f'r  wather  at  Polo,  Illinye,  an'  ye  cud 
wash  ye'ersilf  as  comfortably  as  ye  cud  in  th'  hydrant 
back  iv  th'  gas-house.  There  were  three  handsome 
wash-basins,  wan  piece  iv  soap,  an'  towels  galore — 
that  is,  almost  enough  to  go  round.  In  front  iv  each 
wash-basin  was  a  dilicately  nurtured  child  iv  luxury 
cleansin'  himsilf  an'  th'  surroundin'  furniture  at  wan 
blow.  Havin'  injyed  a  very  refreshin'  attimpt  at  a 
bath,  I  sauntered  out  into  th'  car.  It  looked  almost 
like  th'  pitchers  in  th'  pamphlet,  or  wud've  if  all 

[80] 


The  Comforts  of  Travel 

th'  boots  had  been  removed.  Th'  scene  was  rendered 
more  atthractive  be  th'  prisince  iv  th'  fair  sect.  A 
charmin'  woman  is  always  charmin',  but  niver  more 
so  thin  on  a  sleepin'-car  in  th'  mornin'  afther  a  hard 
night's  rest  an'  forty  miles  fr'm  a  curlin'-ir'n.  With 
their  pretty  faces  slightly  sthreaked  be  th'  right  iv 
way,  their  eyes  dancin'  with  suppressed  fury,  an' 
their  hair  almost  sthraight,  they  make  a  pitcher  that 
few  can  f'rget — an'  they're  lucky. 

"  But  me  eyes  were  not  f 'r  thim.  To  tell  ye  th' 
thruth,  Hinnissy,  I  was  hungry.  I  thought  to  find 
a  place  among  th'  coal  in  me  f'r  wan  iv  thim  sum- 
chous  meals  I  had  r-read  about,  an'  I  summoned  th' 
black  prince  who  was  foldin'  up  th'  beddin'  with  his 
teeth.  *  I  wud  like  a  breakfast  fr'm  ye'er  superbly 
equipped  buffay,'  says  I.  '  I  got  ye,'  says  he.  '  We 
have  canned  lobster,  canned  corn-beef,  canned  to- 
matoes, canned  asparygus,  an'  wather  fresh  fr'm  th' 
company's  own  spring  at  th'  Chicago  wather  wurruks,' 
he  says.  '  Have  ye  annything  to  eat?'  says  I.  '  Sind 
me  th'  cook,'  I  says.  '  I'm  th'  cook,'  says  he,  wipin' 
a  pair  iv  shoes  with  his  sleeve.  *  What  do  ye  do 
ye'er  cookin'  with  ?'  says  I.  '  With  a  can-opener,' 
says  he,  givin'  a  hearty  laugh. 

"  An  so  we  whiled  th'  time  away  till  Saint  Looey 
was  reached.  O'Brien  an'  his  wife  nursed  me  back  to 
life;  I  rayturned  on  th'  canal-boat,  an'  here  I  am, 
almost  as  well  as  befure  I  made  me  pleasure  jaunt. 
I'm  not  goin'  to  do  it  again.  Let  thim  that  will  bask 
in  their  comforts.  I  stay  at  home.  Whiniver  I  feel 
th'  desire  to  fly  through  space  I  throw  four  dollars 
out  iv  th'  window,  put  a  cinder  into  me  eye,  an'  go 
to  bed  on  a  shelf  in  th'  closet. 

[81] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

"  I  guess,  Hinnissy,  whin  ye  come  to  think  iv  it, 
they  ain't  anny  such  thing  as  luxury  in  thravel.  We 
was  meant  to  stay  where  we  found  oursilves  first,  an' 
thravellin'  is  conthry  to  nature.  I  can  go  fr'm 
Chicago  to  New  York  in  twinty  hours,  but  what's  th' 
matther  with  Chicago?  I  can  injye  places  betther 
be  not  goin'  to  thim.  I  think  iv  Italy  as  th'  home  iv 
th'  Pope,  but  Hogan,  who  has  been  there,  thinks  iv 
it  as  th'  home  iv  th'  flea.  I  can  see  th'  dome  iv  St. 
Pethers  risin'  again'  th'  sky,  but  he  can  on'y  see 
th'  cabman  that  charged  him  eighty  liars,  or  thirty 
cents  iv  our  money,  to  carry  him  around  th'  block. 
I  think  iv  New  York  as  a  place  where  people  set 
shinin'  their  dimonds  with  satin  napkins  at  th'  Wal- 
dorf an'  dhrinkin'  champagne  out  iv  goold  coal- 
scuttles with  Jawn  W.  Gates,  but  I  know  a  man  down 
there  that  dhrives  a  dhray.  Pve  always  wanted  to 
see  th'  Rocky  Mountains,  but  they  don't  look  as  tall 
near  by  as  they  do  far  away. 

"  They  ain't  anny  easy  way  iv  thravellin'.  Our 
ancesthors  didn't  have  anny  fast  thrains,  but  they 
didn't  want  thim.  They  looked  on  a  man  thravellin' 
as  a  man  dead,  an'  so  he  is.  Comfort  is  in  havin' 
things  where  ye  can  reach  thim.  A  man  is  as  com- 
fortable on  a  camel  as  on  a  private  car,  an'  a  man 
who  cud  injye  bouncin'  over  steel  rails  at  sixty  miles 
an  hour  cud  go  to  sleep  on  top  iv  a  donky-injine. 
Th'  good  Lord  didn't  intind  us  to  be  gaddin'  around 
th'  wurruld.  Th'  more  we  thry  to  do  it  th'  harder 
'tis  made  f'r  us.  A  man  is  supposed  to  take  his  meals 
an'  his  sleep  in  an  attichood  iv  repose.  It  ain't  nach- 
ral  to  begin  on  a  biled  egg  at  Galesburg  an'  end  on 
it  at  Bloomington.  We  weren't  expected  to  spread 

[82] 


The  Comforts  of  Travel 

a  meal  over  two  hundred  miles,  an'  our  snores  over  a 
thousand.  If  th'  Lord  had  wanted  San  Francisco 
to  be  near  New  York  he'd  have  put  it  there.  Th' 
railroads  haven't  made  it  anny  nearer.  It's  still  tin 
thousan'  miles,  or  whativer  it  is,  an'  ye'd  be  more 
tired  if  ye  reached  it  in  wan  day  thin  ye  wud  if  ye 
did  it  in  two  months  in  a  covered  wagon  an'  stopped 
f'r  sleep  an'  meals.  Th'  faster  a  thrain  goes  th' 
nearer  th'  jints  iv  th'  rails  ar-re  together.  Man  was 
meant  to  stay  where  he  is  or  walk.  If  Nature  had 
intinded  us  to  fly  she  wud've  fixed  us  with  wings  an' 
taught  us  to  ate  chicken-feed." 

"  But  th'  railroads  assist  Nature,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"They  do,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "They  make  it 
hard  to  thravel." 


OUR    REPRESENTATIVES 
ABROAD 


OUR    REPRESENTATIVES 
ABROAD 

"T'D    like    to    be    an    ambassadure,"    said    Mr. 

Hennessy. 
JL      "  An'  why?"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  It  mus'  be  a  gran'  job,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  'Tis  an  aisy  job,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  an'  'tis  a 
gran'  job  if  ye  care  f'r  it.  But  it  ain't  th'  job  it 
used  to  be.  Th'  time  was,  Hinnissy,  whin  a  man  that 
was  an  ambassadure  was  th'  whole  thing,  d'ye  mind. 
He  wint  off  to  a  foreign  counthry,  an'  they  was  no 
cables  an'  no  fast  ships,  an'  he  done  as  he  pleased, 
an'  th'  first  thing  anny  iv  us  heerd  iv  him  he'd  hit 
th'  king  in  th'  eye,  an'  we  had  a  war  on  our  hands. 
Thim  was  th'  days  whin  ye'd  have  a  good  time  as  an 
ambassadure.  I  can  see  ye  now  mixin'  in  a  little 
proosic  acid  with  th'  soup  iv  ye'er  frind  th'  Eye- 
talian  ambassadure,  rayceivin'  spies  on  th'  doings 
iv  th'  prime  ministher's  wife,  an'  sindin'  a  letter  to 
th'  king:  '  I  have  th'  honor  to  inform  ye'er  majesty 
that  if  ye  don't  do  so-an'-so  befure  six  o'clock  this 
av'nin'  I  will  be  obliged  to  bump  ye.  Accept  th' 
assurances  iv  me  mos'  distinguished  considheration, 
an'  hurry  up.'  An  ambassadure,  d'ye  mind,  was  a 
kind  iv  a  Prisidint  iv  th'  United  States,  livin'  abroad, 
an'  he  done  what  he  thought  th'  Prisidint  would  do 

[87] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Doolcy 

if  he  was  in  th'  same  place,  an'  th'  Prisidint  had  to 
make  good  f'r  him. 

"  But  nowadays  we  don't  need  an  ambassadure 
anny  more  thin  we  need  a  stage-coach  to  go  down  to 
Mitchigan'City.  The  requiremints  has  changed  with 
th'  time.  If  me  frind  Prisidint  Tiddy  wants  to  know 
what's  goin'  on  annywhere,  all  he  has  to  do  is  to  sub- 
scribe to  th'  pa-apers.  If  he  wants  to  do  annything 
about  it  he  can  dhrop  into  a  tillygraft  office  an'  sind 
a  cable  message  to  th'  king  iv  Boolgahrya  or  who- 
iver  it  is  that's  makin'  th'  throuble.  To  be  an  am- 
bassadure all  a  man  needs  is  to  have  his  wife  want  to 
live  in  Europe ;  to  be  a  first  sicrety  he  must  be  a  good 
waltzer;  to  be  a  sicond  sicrety  he  must  know  how  to 
press  clothes  an'  take  care  iv  childher.  Ye  don't  see 
annybody  nowadays  that  stands  a  chanct  to  be  ilicted 
sheriff  thryin'  to  be  ambassadure  annywhere.  An 
ambassadure  is  a  man  that  is  no  more  use  abroad  thin 
he  wud  be  at  home.  A  vice-prisidint  iv  a  company 
that's  bein'  took  in  be  a  thrust,  a  lawyer  that  th' 
juries  is  onto,  a  Congressman  that  can't  be  reilicted, 
a  milishy  gin'ral  whose  f am'ly  wants  to  larn  Fr-rinch 
without  th'  aid  iv  a  teacher,  thim's  th'  kind  that  lands. 
Ye  cudden't  blindfold  me  an'  back  me  into  th'  job. 
No,  sir.  If  me  frind  in  Wash'nton  iver  offered  to 
sind  me  to  reside  at  or  near  th'  Coort  iv  Saint  James 
I'd  ask  him:  *  Ar-re  all  th'  gaugers'  jobs  took?'  No 
wan  that  loves  his  fellow-counthrymen  as  I  do,  an' 
knows  thim,  wud  accipt  th'  honor  an'  lave  his  prop- 
erty an'  good  name  in  their  care  f'r  four  years. 
While. I  have  me  vigor  I'll  remain  here  with  me  hand 
on  th'  gun.  I  bet  ye  I  cud  put  an  adver-tisement 
in  th'  pa-apers  to-morroh :  *  Wanted — An  ambassa- 

[88] 


Our  Representatives   Abroad 

dure  exthrordin'ry ;  middle-aged  Protestant  gintle- 
man  iv  good  figure,  kind  disposition,  an'  used  to 
s-ciety;  salary,  $3  a  week,'  an'  Ar-rchey  Road  'd  be 
blocked  with  applicants,  an'  they'd  all  be  good 
enough. 

"  No,  sir,  it  ain't  th'  job  it  was.  I  used  to  think 
I'd  like  to  be  wan  an'  go  over  to  Rooshya,  an'  whin 
some  good  la-ad  fr'm  this  counthry  got  into  throuble 
over  hurlin'  remarks  iv  an  unkind  nature  at  the  Czar 
to  wrap  him  up  in  an  American  flag  an'  dhrive  him 
through  town  in  an  express  wagon  while  th'  Roosyan 
gin'ral  that  was  goin'  to  shoot  him  bit  holes  in  his 
whiskers  an'  muttered :  *  Curse  that  American  dog- 
sky.  He's  foiled  me  befure  me  ar-rmy!'  An'  if  th' 
American  citizen  was  pinched  I'd  dhrive  up  to  th' 
palace  in  a  furyous  rage,  push  th'  guards  aside,  an' 
march  into  th'  chamber  where  th'  Czar  sat  on  his 
throne,  an'  say :  *  Sign  an  order  to  release  this  man 
in  tin  minyits  or  I'll  blow  up  th'  flat.'  '  Ar-re  ye 
aware,'  says  th'  Czar,  with  blanched  face,  *  that 
ye're  addhressin'  a  king  ?'  '  I  am,'  says  I,  with  me 
hand  on  th'  breast  iv  th'  uniform  iv  th'  Hibernian 
Rifles,  iv  which  I  was  ilicted  (in  me  mind)  th'  colonel 
befure  I  sailed.  '  I  am,  dishpot,'  says  I.  *  An','  I 
says,  *  ar-re  ye  aware,'  I  says,  '  that  ye  ar-re  ad- 
dhressin',' I  says,  '  Martin  Dooley,  Ministher  Pleni- 
pootootchinary  an'  Ambassadure  Exthrordin'ry  iv  th' 
United  States  iv  America,  County  iv  Cook,  s.s.,  hu- 
roo,'  says  I,  pullin'  a  little  American  flag  fr'm  me 
vest  pocket  an'  wavin'  it  over  me  head.  '  Great 
Hivins,'  says  th'  Czar,  signin'  th'  ordher  with  threm- 
blin'  hands,  an'  I  hurry  off  to  th'  dungeon  an'  release 
Eben  Perkins,  an'  he  gives  me  a  goold  watch,  an' 

[89] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

his  good-lookin'  wife  throws  her  arms  around  me  neck 
an'  calls  me  their  presarver.  'Twas  wan  iv  th' 
dhreams  iv  me  youth.  I'm  oldher  now. 

"  Gin'rally  whin  ye  see  in  th'  pa-apers  that  a 
man's  been  app'inted  an  ambassadure  ye  know  it 
ought  to  r-read  that  his  wife  has  been  app'inted  am- 
bassadhress.  His  wife  wants  him  to  lave  th'  coun- 
thry,  an'  th'  counthry  is  resigned,  an'  th'  place  he's 
goin'  to  don't  raise  no  objections.  Whin  he  reads  in 
th'  pa-apers  all  th'  things  he's  called  he  begins  to 
think  th'  job  is  almost  as  high  as  a  place  in  th' 
custom  house,  an'  th'  good  woman  sees  hersilf  an' 
th'  queen  rompin'  together,  an'  maybe  she  won't  give 
th'  cold  eye  to  th'  wife  iv  th'  rich  undhertaker  up 
th'  sthreet  whin  she  comes  to  Boodypest  an'  sees  her 
an'  th'  rile  fam'ly  rowlin'  by  in  th'  rile  coach  dhrawn 
be  camels.  Th'  ambassadure  lands  at  th'  coort, 
where  he's  goin'  to  avinge  th'  insults  to  his  native 
land  f'r  four  years,  an'  the  sicrety  iv  th'  legation, 
who  used  to  be  a  good  tennis-player  befure  he  lost 
his  mind,  meets  him  at  th'  deepo  an'  hurries  him  into 
a  closed  hack.  '  What's  this  f'r  ?'  says  th'  ambas- 
sadure, who's  had  th'  coat  iv  arms  iv  Noo  Jersey 
painted  on  th'  soles  iv  his  boots,  an'  would  like  to 
put  thim  out  th'  window.  *  Why  am  I  threated  like 
a  pris'ner?'  he  says.  '  Hush,'  says  Alonzo,  th'  first 
sicrety.  '  Ye  can't  be  seen  until  ye've  been  gone  over 
be  th'  tailor,'  he  says.  *  If  anny  wan  got  onto  that 
blue  Prince  Albert  it'd  be  ye  to  th'  Basteel,'  he  says. 
'  I'll  take  ye  home  an'  keep  ye  locked  up  till  th'  har- 
ness-maker has  got  through  with  ye,'  he  says.  *  But,' 
says  th'  ambassadure,  '  whin  do  I  begin  th'  impor- 
tant jooties  iv  me  exalted  station?'  he  says.  *  Thank 

[90] 


Our   Representatives  Abroad 

Hivin,'  says  th'  sicrety  iv  legation,'  there  ain't  a 
ball  f'r  a  week,'  he  says.  '  Please  keep  ye'er  face 
away  fr'm  th'  window,  an'  do  throw  away  that  pocket 
comb,'  he  says. 

"  The  first  sicrety  has  th'  divvle's  own  time  f'r  a 
week  or  two.  Ivry  mornin'  he  spinds  in  tachin'  th' 
ambassadure  an'  his  lady  th'  two-step  an'  th'  wurruds 
iv  th'  counthry  indicatin'  *  How  d'ye  do.'  '  I'm 
plazed  to  meet  ye.'  '  It's  a  fine,  big  house  ye  have.' 
'  I'll  take  a  little  more  iv  th'  spinach,'  an'  so  on. 
Fin'lly  he  has  it  all  right,  an'  th'  first  sicrety  takes 
him  up  to  see  th'  king.  As  he  enthers  with  a  martial 
sthride  th'  speech  he  prepared  in  Jersey  City  slips 
his  mind,  he  falls  aisily  on  a  rug  into  a  settin'  or 
kneelin'  posture,  an'  th'  king  mutters  a  few  kindly 
wurruds  in  th'  language  that  th'  ambassadure  used 
to  shoot  at  whin  he  was  in  th'  milishy,  an'  all  is 
over.  Th'  first  sicrety  carries  him  out,  an'  he  goes 
home  an'  finds  his  wife  in  hysterics  fr'm  thryin'  to 
explain  her  position  in  Cedar  Rapids  to  a  Rooshyn 
princess  through  a  Danish  maid  iv  honor  that  wanst 
lived  in  Scotland. 

"  Afther  a  while  he  begins  to  apprecyate  th'  honors 
iv  his  place.  Th'  king  sinds  him  an  invitation  to  peek 
into  th'  rile  gardens  on  public  holidays,  to  speak  at  a 
dinner  iv  th'  Bus  Dhrivers'  Assocyation,  an'  to  attind 
anny  fun'rals  iv  th'  rile  fam'ly.  Th'  first  sicrety 
gets  him  so  he  can  weep  ivry  time  th'  name  iv  Shake- 
speare is  mintioned.  Th'  first  sicrety  tells  him  that 
he  oughtn't  to  know  too  manny  Americans,  but  that's 
because  th'  first  sicrety  don't  understhand  his  fellow- 
counthrymen.  Ivry  mornin',  whin  th'  ambassadure 
opens  his  mail,  expictin'  a  letther  fr'm  th'  Prisidint 

7  [91] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

tellin'  him  to  run  right  over  to  th'  palace  an'  ask 
th'  king  about  th'  Pannyma  Canal,  he  gets  a  few 
lines  fr'm  an  American  stoppin'  at  th'  Stars  an' 
Sthripes  Hotel,  sayin' :  '  Dear  Ambassadure,  I  have  a 
letther  fr'm  Joe  Cannon  tellin'  ye  to  give  me  th' 
best  rooms  in  ye'er  house,  or  lose  ye'er  job.  I  will 
move  in  to-morroh.  Manewhile  plaze  sind  me  th' 
name  iv  a  good  store  in  this  accursed  hole  where  an 
American  can  buy  a  pair  iv  suspinders.'  If  he's  a 
wise  ambassadure  he  does  it.  A  man  that  riprisinted 
this  counthry  abroad  soon  larns  how  to  match  silks 
an'  where  to  buy  rockin'-chairs.  If  he  don't,  he's  no 
good.  An'  on  th'  Fourth  iv  July  he  stands  at  home 
an'  grasps  manny  a  wet  an'  frindly  hand. 

"  All  this  I  larned  fr'm  Dargan,  who  was  over 
there  las'  year.  He  met  an  ambassadure  that  used 
to  run  f 'r  Congress  ivry  time  he  had  a  mind  to.  Dar- 
gan got  his  money  eight  times  befure  th'  good  man 
larned  that  Dargan  didn't  live  in  th'  disthrict.  He 
says  that  th'  ambassadure  tol'  him  what  I'm  tellin'  ye, 
an'  wept  on  his  shouldher.  '  How  long  ar-re  ye  in 
for?'  says  Dargan.  '  Three  years  more,'  says  th' 
ambassadure.  '  Three  years  more,'  he  says,  '  an' 
thin  I'll  give  th'  first  sicrety  a  punch  in  th'  nose  an' 
rayturn  to  th'  land  iv  th'  free,'  he  says.  '  Have  ye 
anny  fine-cut?'  he  says.  At  this  minyit  a  young  man 
come  around  th'  corner  an'  grabbed  th'  ambassadure 
be  th'  collar.  *  Didn't  I  tell  ye  niver  to  come  out  iv 
th'  park  in  thim  pants?'  he  says.  '  Here  comes  Lord 
Gimlets,'  he  says.  It  was  th'  first  sicrety.  An'  Dar- 
gan niver  see  th'  ambassadure  again.  He  thinks  they 
have  him  locked  up  in  th'  coal  cellar. 

"  So  I  don't  want  to  be  anny  ambassadure,  Hin- 
[92] 


Our  Representatives  Abroad 

nissy.  Th'  cable  is  quicker,  th'  newspaper  rayporther 
is  more  important,  an'  theyse  more  diplomatic  busi- 
ness done  be  Jew  men  f  r'm  Wall  Sthreet  thin  be  all  th' 
diplomats  fr'm  Constantinople  to  Copenhagen,  be- 
dad." 

"  But  supposin'  Ireland  was  free,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"Ah,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "thin  'twud  be  ye  I'd 
like  to  see  get  th'  job.  I  cudden't  have  too  manny 
iv  me  ol'  frinds  presintin'  their  cridintials  to  me." 


DIPLOMATIC    UNIFORMS 


DIPLOMATIC    UNIFORMS 

""TIT  TELL,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "I  see  be 
%  /\  I  th'  pa-apers  that  th*  American  ambas- 
V  T  sadure  to  Rooshya  has  invinted  a  uny- 
form  f'r  himsilf.  It's  a  plain  unyform,  but  nate.  A 
chapeau,  with  a  long,  graceful  feather  in  it ;  a  broad- 
cloth coat,  very  full  in  th'  basque,  an'  thrimmed  with 
American  eagles  in  goold ;  vest  iv  th'  same  mateeryal ; 
pantaloons  iv  pale  blue,  with  a  dillycate  goold 
sthripe,  four  inches  wide  an  th'  outside  seam;  wan 
hip  an'  two  side  pockets;  thirty-eight  chest,  forty- 
five  waist.  Th'  ambassadure  will  carry  a  hanker- 
chief  iv  th'  star-spangled  banner,  with  th'  rile  ar-rms 
in  a  corner,  an'  will  wear  upon  his  shirt-front  th' 
device :  '  E  plooribus  unum,  American  ambassadure. 
Use  no  hooks.' ' 

"  What  does  he  want  with  a  unyform,  annyhow  ?" 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,  it's  a  long  an'  a  sad  story,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley.  "  Bear  with  me  while  I  tell  it  ye,  or  do 
not,  as  ye  please.  I'll  tell  it,  annyhow.  Ye  see,  in 
th'  arly  days  iv  this  raypublic  no  wan  cared  what  an 
ambassadure  wore,  so  long  as  it  had  pockets  enough 
to  carry  away  what  he  got  f'r  his  beloved  counthry 
fr'm  th'  effect  monarchies  iv  th'  ol'  wurruld.  I've  seen 
pitchers  iv  Binjamin  Franklin,  who  was  that  thick 
with  Looey,  King  iv  France,  that  he  cud  call  on  him 

[97] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

anny  hour  iv  th'  day  or  night,  an'  Binjamin  Frank- 
lin's unyform  was  a  fur  cap  an'  a  pair  iv  specs. 

"  In  thim  simple  days,  whin  th'  fathers  iv  th'  ray- 
public  wanted  to  sind  a  man  abroad  to  skin  a  king, 
they  put  their  heads  together  an'  picked  out  a  good, 
active,  thravellin'  salesman  kind  iv  a  man.  Th'  fathers 
iv  th'  raypublic  was  mos'ly  in  th'  fish-ile  business,  an' 
knew  th'  cap'ble  men  in  thrade.  '  Who'll  we  sind  to 
Fr-rance  ?'  says  Thomas  Jefferson.  4  This  here 
matther  iv  th'  Loosyany  purchase  has  got  to  be  deli- 
cately handled  or  we  won't  get  all  th'  best  iv  it,'  he 
says.  '  I  suggest  Obadiah  Perkins  iv  Newburypoort,' 
says  Jawn  Adams.  '  Has  he  had  anny  diplomatic 
expeeryence  ?'  says  Pathrick  Hinnery .  *  I  wanst  see 
him  sell  a  bar'l  iv  tin-pinny  nails  to  a  lady  that  come 
to  th'  store  to  buy  a  pound  iv  sody-crackers,'  says 
Jawn  Adams.  '  He's  our  man,'  says  all  th'  others, 
an'  Obadiah  Perkins  got  th'  job. 

"  He  packed  a  collar  an'  an  exthry  pair  iv  socks 
in  a  bag,  took  along  a  copy  iv  th'  Westminsther  Con- 
fissyon  an'  an  inthrest  table  f'r  riference,  provisioned 
himsilf  with  atin'  tobacco,  an'  started  out.  At  eight 
o'clock  he  landed  in  Paree ;  at  eight-eight  he  knocked 
down  a  coort  chamberlain  an'  a  jawnnydarm,  an' 
landed  in  th'  lap  iv  Looey  th'  Magnificent-but-Tired. 
At  nine  o'clock  th'  monarch  had  given  him  a  goold 
watch,  a  jooled  snuff-case,  a  finger-ring,  an'  a  soord, 
had  signed  a  deed  thransferrin'  th'  Change  All  Aisy 
to  th'  American  people,  who  have  owned  it  to  this 
day,  an'  was  in  fits  iv  laughter  over  a  story  about 
Silas  Cooper  iv  Salem,  which  Ambassadure  Obadiah 
told  him  in  th'  perfect  Fr-rinch  he  had  picked  up 
fr'm  th'  cook  iv  th'  ship  goin'  over.  Afther  that 

[98] 


Diplomatic  Uniforms 

Obadiah  was  all  right.  He  had  his  feet  undher  th' 
king's  mahogany  ivry  day  at  dinner,  an'  on  th' 
mahogany  most  iv  th'  rest  iv  th'  time.  He  inthra- 
jooced  rockin'-chairs  in  th'  rile  palace,  an'  taught 
th'  Fr-rinch  nobility  how  to  rock  without  fallin'  out. 
No  wan  cared  how  he  dhressed.  He  attinded  th' 
coort  rayciptions  in  a  jumper  an'  leather  breeches 
wan  day,  an'  th'  nex'  day  all  th'  nobility,  includin' 
th'  king,  come  in  jumpers  an'  leather  breeches.  He 
blowed  in  his  tay  to  make  it  cool,  an'  afther  that  all 
th'  Fr-rinch  arrystocracy  cud  be  seen  blowin'  into 
their  tay.  He  wore  a  hat  that  had  shtud  him  in  good 
stead  through  tin  hard  winters  on  th'  road,  an'  th' 
gr-reatest  nobles  in  France  took  to  sittin'  on  their 
hats  befure  goin'  out  to  make  thim  look  like  th' 
*  Chapeau  Obadiah,'  which  had  become  th'  style.  An' 
whin  he  wint  away,  which  he  did  not  because  he  was 
not  succissful,  but  because  he  didn't  like  th'  cookin', 
he  was  followed  to  th'  boat  be  th'  king  an'  all  th'  rile 
fam'ly. 

"  Thim  was  th'  modest  days  iv  th'  raypublic,  Hin- 
nissy.  It's  diff-rent  now  that  we've  become  a  wurruld 
power.  Th'  sufferin's  iv  some  iv  our  ambassadures 
on  account  iv  their  clothes  has  been  turr'ble.  I  was 
r-readin'  th'  sad  case  iv  th'  ambassadure  to  Rooshya, 
th'  Hon'rable  Charleymayne  Tower,  iv  Phillydelphy, 
Pa.  If  I  had  that  name,  divvle  a  czar  wud  scare  me. 
I'd  ask  f'r  no  unyform.  Th'  name  itsilf  is  unyform 
enough.  Some  names  sounds  like  overalls;  some 
sounds  like  a  long  coat  an'  a  high  hat,  but  Charley- 
mayne Tower  sounds  Jike  th'  clothes  a  boss  knights 
timplar  wears  ivry  three  years.  It  has  forty  pounds 
iv  epaulets  on  its  shoulders.  It's  th'  kind  iv  a  name 

[99] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

Gin'ral  Miles  wud  like  to  wear  f'r  a  unyform.  If 
I  had  that  name  I'd  go  to  th'  palace  in  a  sheet  an' 
ixpict  th'  guards  to  fall  down  on  their  faces.  But 
all  th'  time  he  was  in  Saint  Petersburg,  Charleymayne 
Tower  suffered  th'  gr-reatest  torture  on  account  iv 
th'  clothes  he  had  on  an'  th'  clothes  he  didn't  have  on. 
He  had  no  unyform.  At  coort  rayciptions  he  looked 
like  a  detictive  at  a  fancy  ball.  He  was  enable 
to  perform  anny  iv  th'  gr-reat  jooties  iv  an 
ambassadure.  Ivry  step  was  blocked  be  his  mis'rable 
attire.  He  was  double-crossed  be  th'  lowliest  iv 
diplomats  who  were  entitled  to  put  on  glad,  bright 
things  whin  they  wint  to  see  th'  Czar.  Wan  day  he 
come  rollin'  up  to  th'  palace  carryin'  in  th'  tail 
iv  his  simple  black  coat  a  most  important  threaty. 
He  had  made  many  attimpts  to  have  this  threaty 
signed  be  the  Czar,  but  th'  Czar  had  always  spurned 
him,  owin'  to  th'  machinations  iv  Lord  Ronald,  th' 
English  ambassadure,  an'  Veecont  Boulbaze,  th' 
Fr-rinch  ambassadure.  Both  these  haughty  am- 
bassadures  had  a  window-dhresser  fr'm  a  gints'  fur- 
nishin'  store  f'r  a  valley,  an'  whin  th'  American  am- 
bassadure stood  alongside  iv  thim  I  tell  ye  he  looked 
cheap. 

"  But  this  day  Charleymayne  Tower  was  prepared 
to  brave  th'  Czar  in  his  very  throne.  He  rolled  up  in 
his  carredge,  and'  th'  sintry  cried :  '  Who  goes  there  ?' 
*  Th'  ambassadure  iv  th'  United  States  iv  America, 
huroo !'  says  th'  coachman.  '  That  man  ?'  says  th' 
sintry.  '  To  th'  kitchen  dure  with  ye,  waiter,'  he  says. 
Well,  th'  ambassadure  stifled  his  rage,  an'  attimpted 
to  explain  about  himsilf,  an'  th'  sintry  run  him  in. 
Yes,  sir,  he  run  in  th'  ambassadure  iv  these  United 
[100] 


Diplomatic  Uniforms 

States,  an'  they  was  just  about  to  take  his  photoy- 
graft  an'  sind  him  off  in  th'  Black  Maria  to  Sibeerya 
whin  a  gran'-jook  come  along  an'  identified  him, 
an'  they  let  him  go.  He  hurried  to  th'  throne-room, 
where  Nicholas,  Czar  iv  Rooshya,  was  settin'  on  his 
rile  throne,  an'  took  his  place  in  line.  Th'  ambassa- 
dure  iv  England  wore  th'  gorjous  unyform  iv  his  sta- 
tion; th'  ambassadure  iv  France  jingled  with  medals; 
th'  ambassadure  iv  Chiny  wore  a  pink-an'-green  tea- 
gown.  Wan  be  wan  they  were  prisinted,  an'  th'  Czar 
complimented  thim  on  their  clothes.  '  Very  tasty, 
Lord  Ronald.'  *  Handsome  pants  ye're  wearin'  this 
day,  Veecont.'  *  Ling  Ching,  me  wife,  th'  Czaretta, 
wants  me  to  ask  ye  th'  name  iv  ye'er  dhressmaker.' 
But  whin  th'  ambassadure  iv  th'  United  States  bent 
his  proud  knee  befure  th'  Czar  th'  haughty  monarch 
said,  with  an  evil  smile :  *  Garson,  bring  th'  check. 
Oh,'  he  wint  on,  pretindin'  to  jus'  recognize  Charley- 
mayne  Tower,  *  I  didn't  know  ye  at  first.  I  thought 
ye  was  th'  waiter,'  he  says.  Loud  an'  long  was  th' 
laughter  provoked  be  this  kingly  sally.  Th'  jest 
flew  like  wildfire  through  th'  crowd.  Fair  ladies 
smiled  behind  their  fans.  '  Bring  me  a  cup  iv  tay 
an'  some  spare-ribs,'  says  th'  Princess  Olgoinskia, 
with  a  maddenin'  smile.  '  What  is  th'  title  iv  th' 
king  iv  ye'er  counthry,  Misther  Tower,'  drawled  Lord 
Ronald,  in  his  most  supercilyous  tones.  *  Is  it  head 
waiter?'  he  says.  '  Mong  doo,'  said  th'  Veecont; 
*  America,  it  is  a  lar-rge  resthrant,  ain't  it?'  he  says. 
Th'  air  was  filled  with  cries  iv  'Waiter.'  'Here 
you.'  '  S-s-st.'  «  Boy,  th'  bill.'  6  Ain't  I  niver  goin' 
to  get  that  pie?'  An'  so  on. 

"  Charleymayne    Tower    hurrid    fr'm    th'    room. 
[101] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

While  he  was  standin'  at  th'  dure  iv  th'  palace  an' 
lookin'  down  with  horror  on  his  broadcloth  panta- 
loons, a  gran'-jook  came  behind  him,  tapped  him  on 
th'  shoulder,  an'  said :  '  Call  Gran'- Jook  Oscaroff- 
ski's  hack,  an'  be  quick  about  it.'  Charleymayne 
Tower  cud  hear  no  more.  He  leaped  fr'm  th'  scene 
iv  his  disaster,  an'  callin'  a  drofsky,  bade  th'  dhriver 
haste  at  wanst  to  a  tailor-man's.  There  he  ordhered 
th'  suit  I  tell  ye  about. 

"  Wan  week  later  a  tall,  magnificently  attired  man 
sthrode  into  th'  rile  chamber.  It  was  th'  American 
ambassadure.  As  he  marched  along  a  buzz  iv  ex- 
citemint  ran  acrost  that  splindid  room.  Th'  English 
ambassadure  turned  with  an  oath  an'  left  th'  rile 
prisince.  *  Malydiction,'  says  th'  Veecont  Boulbaze. 
'  Le  stuff  is  off.9  Th'  Gran'-Duchess  Olgarina  give 
a  passionate  cry  an'  fainted.  Th'  American  ambas- 
sadure sthrode  on,  unmindful  iv  th'  excitemint.  Th' 
Czar,  who  is  a  prudent  husband,  sint  his  wife  fr'm 
th'  room.  Thin  steppin'  fr'm  th'  throne,  he  advanced 
to  meet  th'  riprisintative  iv  a  gr-reat  people.  Th' 
ambassadure  was  preparin'  to  kneel  whin  th'  monarch 
said :  *  Nay,  Charleymayne,  kneel  not  to  me  in  thim 
pants  on  this  flure.  Rather  shud  I  kneel  to  thee,  f'r 
niver  since  king  an'  tailor  jined  together  to  rule  th' 
wurruld,  has  human  legs  been  encased  in  so  happy  a 
pair  iv  bloomers.  At  last  America  takes  its  thrue  sta- 
tion among  th'  nations  iv  th'  earth.'  That  night  th' 
threaty  was  signed  be  which  th'  Czar  agreed  to  sind 
three  millyon  Rooshyan  Jews  to  this  counthry  befure 
th'  first  iv  May,  an'  Lord  Ronald  hurled  himsilf  fr'm 
th'  great  Popolapotcheff  bridge  into  th'  Neva  afther 
shootin'  his  tailor.  Now  they  have  promoted  Charley- 
[102] 


Diplomatic  Uniforms 

mayne  Tower,  but  his  unyform  remains  upon  th' 
banks  iv  th'  frozen  Neva,  an'  against  it  nayether 
arrystocratic  inthrigue  nor  dispotic  whim  will  pre- 
vail. 

"  I  think  it's  a  good  thing,  Hinnissy.  It's  goin' 
to  save  us  a  lot  iv  throuble  in  pickin'  out  diplomats. 
It  will  no  longer  be  nicissry  to  find  some  wan  who 
wudden't  wurruk  at  home,  an'  whose  rilitives  wud  like 
to  sind  him  out  iv  th'  counthry  to  uphold  th'  dignity 
an'  honor  iv  our  fair  land  abroad.  All  we  have  to 
do  is  to  get  th'  unyform  an'  thrust  anny  kind  iv  a 
man  into  it.  '  Th'  Prisidint  has  disignated  a  pair 
iv  olive-green  pantaloons  an'  a  ecroo  coat  to  be  am- 
bassadure  exthraordhinry  an'  ministher  plinipoo- 
tinchry  iv  th'  United  States  at  th'  coort  iv  Saint 
Jeems.'  '  Th'  Hon'rable  Caliphas  Sniwy  has  been 
promoted  fr'm  th'  Hussars  unyform  at  Lisbon  to 
th'  more  important  suit  at  Madhrid.'  '  Th'  demands 
iv  th'  United  States  govermint  on  th'  Impror  iv  Chiny 
was  prisinted  yisterdah  be  a  bear-skin  cap,  a  blue- 
an'-silver  coat,  an'  a  pair  iv  yellow  pantaloons.  Th' 
Impror  was  much  imprissed.'  It  '11  be  grand.  Whin 
th'  Prisidint  wants  to  find  an  imissary  f'r  an  im- 
portant missyon  he'll  call  on  a  tailor.  They'll  be 
signs  in  th'  windies  iv  th'  clothing  stores :  *  Plymouth 
Rock  diplomats ;  they  niver  tear.'  '  Nobby  styles  in 
American  ambassadures,  fifteen  dollars.'  An'  there 
ye  ar-re." 

"  Well,  it  must  be  thryin'  f'r  an  ambassadure  to 
be  took  f'r  a  waiter,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  It  is,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  It  is  exthremely 
annoyin'  to  a  proud  soul  to  be  mistook  f'r  a  waiter. 
But  I  shud  like  to  hear  what  th'  waiters  think  about 
[103] 


Dissertations   by  Mr.  Dooley 

it.  Annyhow,  I  bet  no  wan  iver  took  Binjamin 
Franklin  f'r  a  waiter." 

"  I  wondher  why  ?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  onless  it  was 
that  even  in  th'  prisince  iv  a  king  Binjamin  Franklin 
niver  felt  like  a  waiter." 


THE     INTELLECTUAL     LIFE 


THE     INTELLECTUAL    LIFE 

"T"T  TELL,  sir,"  said    Mr.  Dooley,  "it  must 

%/\/  be  a  grand  thing  to  be  a  colledge  pro- 
T  T  fissor." 

"  Not  much  to  do,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  But  a  gr-reat  deal  to  say,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Ivry  day  th'  minyit  I  pick  up  me  pa-aper  afther 
I've  read  th'  criminal  an'  other  pollytical  news,  th' 
spoortin'  news,  th'  rale-estate  advertisemints,  th'  in- 
vytation  fr'm  th'  cultured  foreign  gent  to  meet  an 
American  lady  iv  some  means,  th'  spoortin'  news  over 
again,  thin  th'  iditoryals,  I  hasten  to  find  out  what 
th'  colledge  pro-fissor  had  to  say  yisterdah.  I  wish 
th'  iditor  wud  put  it  in  th'  same  column  iv  the  pa-aper 
ivry  day.  Thin  he  wudden't  have  to  collect  anny 
other  funny  column.  '  Humorous :  Pro-fissor  Wind- 
haul  iv  Harvard  makes  a  savidge  attack  on  Abraham 
Lincoln.'  As  it  is,  I  sometimes  have  to  hunt  through 
th'  pa-aper  fr'm  th'  Newport  scandal  on  page  wan  to 
th'  relligious  notes  on  page  two  hundherd  an'  four  be- 
f ure  I  come  acrost  me  fav'rite  funny  sayin's  iv  funny 
fellows. 

"  I've  been  collictin'  these  wurruds  iv  wisdom  f 'r  a 
long  time,  Hinnissy,  an'  I'm  now  prepared  to  deliver 
ye  a  sample  colledge  lecture  on  all  subjicks  fr'm 
th'  creation  iv  th'  wurruld :  '  Young  gintlemen :  I 
will  begin  be  sayin'  that  I  have  me  doubts  about  th' 
8  [107] 


Dissertations   by   Mr.  Dooley 

varyous  stories  consarnin'  th'  creation  iv  th'  wurruld. 
In  th'  first  place,  I  dismiss  with  a  loud  laugh  th' 
theery  that  it  was  created  in  six  days.  I  cud  make 
such  a  poor  wurruld  as  this  in  two  days  with  a  scroll- 
saw.  Akelly  preposterous  is  th'  idee  that  it  wasn't 
made  at  all,  but  grew  up  out  iv  nawthin'.  Me  idee 
is  that  th'  wurruld  is  a  chunk  iv  th'  sun  that  was 
chipped  off  be  a  collisyon  with  th'  moon,  cooled  down, 
an'  advertised  f'r  roomers.  As  to  its  age,  I  differ 
with  th'  Bible.  Me  own  opinyon  iv  th'  age  it  th' 
arth  is  that  it  is  about  twinty-eight  years  old.  That 
is  as  far  as  I  go  back. 

"  '  Speakin'  iv  th'  Bible,  it  is  an  inthresifn'  wurruk, 
but  th'  English  is  poor.  I  advise  all  iv  ye  not  to  in- 
jure ye'er  style  be  readin'  th'  prisint  editions,  but  if 
ye  want  rale  good  English  ye  will  read  th'  Bible 
thranslated  into  Hoosier  d'lect  be  Pro-fissor  Lumsum 
Jiggs  iv  th'  Univarsity  iv  Barry's  Corner,  wan  iv 
our  gr-reatest  lithrachoors,  whose  loss  to  th'  sody- 
wather  business  was  a  gloryous  gain  to  relligion  an* 
letthers.  If  ye  want  to  make  a  comparison  to  show  ye 
how  lithrachoor  has  improved,  compare  th'  wurruks 
iv  Homer  an'  Jiggs.  Homer  nodded.  He  niver 
nodded  to  me,  but  he  nodded.  But  has  Jiggs  nod- 
ded? Niver.  He  hasn't  tinle.  He  is  on  his  four 
thousandth  book  now,  an'  has  larned  to  wurruk  a 
second  typewriter  with  his  feet.  Read  Jiggs  an' 
f'rget  about  Homer.  As  f'r  Shakespeare,  he  is  a 
dead  wan.  Th'  dpinyon  I  have  iv  Shakespeare  is  so 
low  that  I  will  not  express  it  befure  ladies.  I  ain't 
sayih'  that  his  wurruks  have  not  been  pop'lar  among 
th'  vulgar.  An'  he  might  have  amounted  to  some- 
thing if  he  had  been  ijjacated,  but  his  language  is 
[108] 


The  Intellectual  Life 

base,  an'  he  had  no  imagination.  Th'  gr-reatest 
potes  th'  wurruld  has  projooced  are  Ransom  Stiggs 
an'  J.  B.  Mulcoon  iv  Keokuk.  Th'  Keokuk  school  iv 
pothry  has  all  others  badly  stung.  J.  B.  Mulcoon 
has  discovered  more  rhymes  f'r  dear  thin  Al  Tinny- 
son  iver  heerd  iv. 

"  '  Me  opinyon  iv  pollyticks,  if  ye  shud  ask  me  f'r 
it,  is  that  we  might  as  well  give  up  th'  experimint. 
A  govermint  founded  be  an  ol'  farmer  like  George 
Wash'nton  an'  a  job-printer  like  Bin  Franklin  was 
bound  to  go  down  in  roon.  It  has  abandoned  all 
their  ideels— which  was  a  good  thing — an'  made  worse 
wans.  Look  at  Lincoln.  There's  a  fellow  ivrybody  is 
always  crackin'  up.  But  what  did  he  amount  to? 
What  did  he  do  but  carry  on  a  war,  free  th'  slaves, 
an'  run  this  mis'rable  counthry?  But  who  asked  him 
to  free  th'  slaves?  I  didn't.  A  man  utterly  lackin' 
in  principle  an'  sinse  iv  humor,  he  led  a  mob  an'  was 
conthrolled  be  it.  An'  who  ar-re  th'  mob  that  direct 
this  counthry?  A  lot  iv  coarse,  rough  people,  who 
ar-re  sawin'  up  lumber  an'  picklin'  pork,  an'  who 
niver  had  a  thought  iv  th'  Higher  Life  that  makes 
men  aspire  to  betther  things  an'  indijestion.  They 
ar-re  ye'er  fathers  an'  mine,  young  gintlemen.  Can 
I  say  worse  thin  that?  An'  to  think  iv  th'  likes  iv 
thim  runnin'  this  govermint !  By  Jove,  if  I  had  ray- 
mimbered  las'  Choosdah  that  it  was  iliction  day  I'd 
have  larned  fr'm  me  milkman  how  to  vote  an'  gone 
down  to  th'  polls  an'  dhriven  thim  fr'm  power.  Well, 
there's  wan  consolation  about  it  all:  th'  counthry 
won't  last  long.  I  noticed  th'  other  day  it  had  begun 
to  crack.  Whin  it  sinks  ye'ers  thruly  will  be  near 
th'  edge,  ready  to  jump  off.  Annyhow,  it  don't 
[109] 


Dissertations   by  Mr.  Dooley 

matther  much.  Th'  American  people  ar-re  all  gettin' 
to  be  Indyans  again.  Walkin'  down  to-day,  I  ob- 
sarved  twinty-two  people  who  looked  to  me  like 
Indyans.  Next  week  I  intind  to  verify  me  con- 
clusyons  be  buyin'  a  picture  iv  an  Indyan.  But 
I'm  intirely  convinced  that  in  three  or  four  years 
at  laste  we'll  all  be  livin'  in  wickey-ups  an'  scalpin' 
each  other.  With  these  few  remarks,  let  us  in- 
quirers fr  knowledge  go  out  an'  commit  suicide 
on  th'  futball  field.  Ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh !  Bazzyba- 
zoo !" 

"  I  like  it,  Hinnissy.  What  I  like  most  about  it 
is  that  a  colledge  pro-fissor  niver  speaks  fr'm  im- 
pulse. He  thinks  ivrything  out  thurly  befure  an- 
nouncin'  his  opinyon.  Th'  theery  iv  me  larned  frind 
down  in  Rocky fellar's  colledge  that  very  soon  ye'd 
seen  me  r-rushin'  down  Archey  Road  with  a  tommy-, 
hawk  in  me  hand,  thryin'  to  thrade  off  a  pony  f'r 
a  wife  an'  a  wife  f'r  a  bottle  iv  wood  alcohol,  didn't 
leap  out  iv  his  gr-reat  brain  in  a  scandalous  hurry. 
He  pondered  it  long  an'  carefully.  Th'  idee  sthruck 
him  at  breakfast  while  he  was  eatin'  his  prunes,  an' 
did  not  machure  till  he  was  half  through  with  th' 
ham  an'  eggs.  So  with  Pro-fissor  Windhaul.  He 
didn't  land  on  Lincoln  till  he  was  sure  iv  his  ground. 
He  first  made  inquiries,  an'  found  out  that  there  was 
such  a  man.  Thin  he  looked  f'r  his  name  among 
th'  graduates  iv  Harvard.  Thin  he  bumped  him. 
It's  a  good  thing  Lincoln  was  dead  befure  he 
was  assaulted.  He  niver  wud  have  survived  th' 
attack. 

"  It's  a  fine  thing  f'r  th'  young  men  who  set  at  th' 
feet  iv  these  larned  ducks.  A  little  boy  is  chased  away 
[110] 


The  Intellectual  Life 

fr'm  home  an'  enthers  wan  iv  these  here  siminaries. 
He  was  licked  yisterdah  f'r  neglectin'  to  scrub  below 
the  chin,  but  to-morroh  he  will  be  cheerin'  wildly 
while  Pro-fissor  Bumpus  tells  him  universal  suffrage 
was  a  bad  break.  If  he  has  a  weak  chest,  an'  can't 
play  futball,  he  goes  on  imbibin'  wisdom  ontil  he 
arrives  at  th'  dew  pint,  whin  his  alma  mather  hurls 
him  at  th'  onforchnit  wurruld.  He  knows  fifty  thou- 
san'  things,  but  th'  on'y  wan  iv  thim  that  he  cud 
prove  is  that  Heffelfinger  was  a  gr-reat  futball 
player.  Thin  begins  his  rale  colledge  career.  Th' 
post-grad j  ate  coorse  is  th'  best  in  th'  wurruld.  Th' 
enthrance  fee  is  all  he  has.  Th'  wurruld  takes  it 
away  fr'm  him  th'  minyit  he  thries  to  apply  his  col- 
ledge  pro-fissor's  idee  that  undher  th'  doctrine  iv 
probabilities  two  pair  ought  to  beat  three  iv  a  kind. 
He  hasn't  on'y  wan  new  pro-fissor,  but  twinty  mill- 
yon,  old  an'  young,  rich  an'  poor,  men  an'  women, 
especyally  women.  He  can't  shirk  his  lessons.  He 
has  to  be  up  in  th'  mornin'  bright  an'  arly  larnin' 
an'  passin'  examinations.  He's  on'y  told  anny thing 
wanst.  If  he  don't  raymimber  it  th'  next  time  he  is 
asked,  some  pro-fissor  gives  him  a  thump  on  th'  head. 
Anny  time  he  don't  like  his  dear  ol'  alma  mather  he 
can  quit.  Th'  wurruld  ain't  advertisin'  f'r  anny 
students.  It  has  no  competitors,  an'  th'  lists  are 
always  full.  Th'  coorse  lasts  fr'm  wan  to  sixty  years, 
an'  it  gets  harder  to'rd  th'  commincemint  day.  If 
he's  a  good  scholar,  an'  behaves  himsilf ,  an'  listens  to 
th'  pro-fissors,  and  wurruks  hard,  he  can  gradjate 
with  honors.  In  anny  case,  he  is  allowed  to  write  out 
his  own  diploma.  He  knows  best  what  he  is  en- 
titled to." 

[Ill] 


Dissertations  by  Mr,   Dooley 

"  If  ye  had  a  boy  wud  ye  sind  him  to  colledge?" 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  at  th>  age  whin  a  boy 
is  fit  to  be  in  colledge  I  wudden't  have  him  around  th' 
house.*' 


THE     VICE-PRESIDENT 


THE    VICE-PRESIDENT 

"HINT'S  sthrange  about  th'  vice-prisidincy,"  said 
Mr.  Dooley.  "  Th'  prisidincy  is  th'  highest 
JL  office  in  th'  gift  iv  th'  people.  Th'  vice-prisi- 
dincy is  th'  next  highest  an'  th'  lowest.  It  isn't  a 
crime  exactly.  Ye  can't  be  sint  to  jail  f'r  it,  but  it's 
a  kind  iv  a  disgrace.  It's  like  writin'  anonymous 
letters.  At  a  convintion  nearly  all  th'  dillygates  lave 
as  soon  as  they've  nommynated  th'  prisidint  f'r  fear 
wan  iv  thim  will  be  nommynated  f'r  vice-prisidint. 
They  offered  it  to  me  frind  Joe  Cannon,  and  th' 
language  he  used  brought  th'  blush  iv  shame  to  th' 
cheeks  iv  a  naygur  dillygate  fr'm  Allybamy.  They 
thried  to  hand  it  to  Hinnery  Cabin  Lodge,  an'  he 
wept  bitterly.  They  found  a  man  fr'm  Wisconsin, 
who  was  in  dhrink,  an'  had  almost  nommynated  him 
whin  his  wife  came  in  an'  dhragged  him  away  fr'm 
timptation.  Th'  way  they  got  Sinitor  Fairbanks  to 
accipt  was  be  showin'  him  a  pitcher  iv  our  gr-reat 
an'  noble  prisidint  thryin'  to  jump  a  horse  over  a 
six-foot  fence.  An'  they  on'y  prevailed  upon  Hin- 
nery Davis  to  take  this  almost  oneqiialled  honor  be 
tellin'  him  that  th'  raison  th'  Sage  iv  Esoopus  didn't 
speak  earlier  was  because  he  has  weak  lungs. 

"  Why  is  it,  I  wondher,  that  ivrybody  runs  away 
fr'm  a  nommynation  f'r  vice-prisidint  as  if  it  was  an 
indictment  be  th'   gran'   jury?     It  usen't  to  be  so. 
[115] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

I've  hollered  mesilf  black  in  th'  face  f'r  ol'  man 
Thurman  an'  Hendricks  iv  Injyanny.  In  th'  ol' 
days,  whin  th'  boys  had  nommynated  some  unknown 
man  fr'm  New  York  f'r  prisidint,  they  turned  in  an' 
nommynated  a  gr-reat  an'  well-known  man  fr'm  th' 
West  f'r  vice-prisidint.  Th'  candydate  f'r  vice- 
prisidint  was  all  iv  th'  ticket  we  iver  see  durin'  a 
campaign.  Th'  la-ad  they  put  up  f'r  prisidint  stayed 
down  East  an'  was  niver  allowed  to  open  Jris  mouth 
except  in  writin'  befure  witnesses,  but  th'  candydate 
f'r  vice-prisidint  wint  fr'm  wan  end  iv  th'  counthry  to 
th'  other  howlin'  again'  th'  tariff  an'  other  immortal 
issues,  now  dead.  I  niver  voted  f'r  Grover  Cleveland. 
I  wudden't  vote  f'r  him  anny  more  thin  he'd  vote  f'r 
me.  I  voted  f'r  old  man  Thurman  an'  Tom  Hen- 
dricks an'  Adly  Stevenson  befure  he  became  a  pro- 
fissional  vice-prjsidint.  They  thought  it  was  an 
honor,  but  if  ye'd  read  their  bio-graphies  to-day  ye'd 
find  at  th'  end :  '  Th'  writer  will  pass  over  th'  closin' 
years  iv  Mr.  Thurman's  career  hurriedly.  It  is 
enough  to  say  iv  this  painful  peryod  that  afther  a 
lifetime  iv  devoted  sarvice  to  his  counthry  th'  states- 
man's declinin'  days  was  clouded  be  a  gr-reat  sorrow. 
He  become  vice-prisidint  iv  th'  United  States.  Oh, 
how  much  betther  'twere  that  we  shud  be  sawed  off 
arly  be  th'  gr-reat  reaper  Death  thin  that  a  life  iv 
honor  shud  end  in  ignomy.'  It's  a  turr'ble  thing. 

"  If  ye  say  about  a  man  that  he's  good  prisidintial 
j:imber  he'll  buy  ye  a  dhrink.  If  ye  say  he's  good  vice- 
prisidintial  timber  ye  mane  that  he  isn't  good  enough 
to  be  cut  up  into  shingles,  an'  ye'd  betther  be  careful. 

"It's  sthrange,  too,  because  it's  a  good  job.  I 
think  a  man  cud  put  in  four  years  comfortably  in 


The   Vice-President 

th'  place  if  he  was  a  sound  sleeper.  What  ar-re  his 
jooties,  says  ye?  Well,  durin'  th'  campaign  he  has 
to  do  a  good  deal  iv  th'  rough  outside  wurruk.  Th' 
candydate  f'r  prisidint  is  at  home  pickin'  out  th'  big 
wurruds  in  th'  ditchnry  an'  firm'  thim  at  us  fr'm 
time  to  time.  Th'  candydate  f'r  th'  vice-prisidincy 
is  out  in  loway  yellin'  fr'm  th'  back  iv  a  car  or  a 
dhray.  He  goes  to  all  th'  church  fairs  an'  wakes  an' 
appears  at  public  meetin's  between  a  cornet  solo  an' 
a  glee  club.  He  ought  to  be  a  man  good  at  repartee. 
Our  now  honored  (be  some)  prisidint  had  to  retort 
with  th'  very  hands  that  since  have  signed  th'  Pan- 
nyma  Canal  bill  to  a  Colorado  gintleman  who  accosted 
him  with  a  scantling.  An'  I  well  raymimber  another 
candydate,  an'  a  gr-reat  man,  too,  who  replied  to  a 
gintleman  in  Shelbyville  who  made  a  rude  remark  be 
threatin'  him  as  though  he  was  an  open  fireplace. 
It  was  what  Hogan  calls  a  fine-cut  an'  incisive  reply. 
Yes,  sir,  th'  candydate  f'r  vice-prisidint  has  a  busy 
time  iv  it  durin'  th'  campaign,  hoppin'  fr'm  town 
to  town,  speakin',  shakin'  hands  with  th'  popylace 
who  call  him  Hal  or  Charlie,  dodgin'  bricks,  fightin' 
with  his  audjeence,  an'  diggin'  up  f'r  th'  fi-nance 
comity.  He  has  to  be  an  all-round  man.  He  must 
be  a  good  speaker,  a  pleasant  man  with  th'  ladies,  a 
fair  boxer  an'  rassler,  something  iv  a  liar,  an'  if 
he's  a  Raypublican  campaignin'  in  Texas,  an  active 
sprinter.  If  he  has  all  thim  qualities,  he  may  or 
may  not  rayceive  a  majority  at  th'  polls,  an'  no  wan 
will  know  whether  they  voted  f'r  him  or' not. 

"  Well,  he's  ilicted.     Th'  ilictors  call  on  th'  candy- 
date  f'r  prisidint  an'  hand  him  th'  office.     They  noti- 
fy th'  candydate  f'r  vice-prisidint  through  th'  per- 
[117] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

sonal  columns  iv  th'  pa-apers :  '  If  th'  tall,  dark 
gintleman  with  hazel  eyes,  black  coat  an'  white  vest, 
who  was  nommynated  at  th'  convintion  f'r  vice-prisi- 
dint,  will  call  at  headquarters  he  will  hear  iv  some- 
thing to  his  advantage.'  So  he  buys  a  ticket  an' 
hops  to  Wash'nton,  where  he  gets  a  good  room  suited 
to  his  station  right  above  th'  kitchen  an'  overlookin' 
a  wood-yard.  Th'  prisidint  has  to  live  where  he  is 
put,  but  th'  vice-prisidint  is  free  to  go  annywhere  he 
likes,  where  they  are  not  particklar.  Th'  Constitution 
provides  that  th'  prisidint  shall  have  to  put  up  with 
darky  cookin',  but  th'  vice-prisidint  is  permitted  to 
eat  out.  Ivry  mornm*  it  is  his  business  to  call  at  th' 
White  House  an'  inquire  afther  th'  prisidint's  health. 
Whin  told  that  th'  prisidint  was  niver  betther  he  gives 
three  cheers,  an'  departs  with  a  heavy  heart. 

"  Th'  f  eelin'  iv  th'  vice-prisidint  about  th'  prisi- 
dint's well-bein'  is  very  deep.  On  rainy  days  he  calls 
at  th'  White  House  an'  begs  th'  prisidint  not  to  go  out 
without  his  rubbers.  He  has  Mrs.  Vice-Prisidint  knit 
him  a  shawl  to  protect  his  throat  again'  th'  night 
air.  If  th'  prisidint  has  a  touch  iv  fever  th'  vice- 
prisidint  gets  a  touch  iv  fever  himsilf .  He  has  th' 
doctor  on  th'  'phone  durin'  th'  night.  '  Doc,  I  hear 
th'  prisidint  is  onwell,'  he  says.  *  Cud  I  do  annything 
f'r  him, — annything  like  dhrawin'  his  salary  or  ap- 
pintin'  th'  postmasther  at  Injynnapolis?'  It  is  prin- 
cip'lly,Hinnissy,  because  iv  th'  vice-prisidint  that  most 
iv  our  prisidints  have  enjoyed  such  rugged  health. 
Th'  vice-prisidint  guards  th'  prisidint,  an'  th'  prisi- 
dint, afther  sizin'  up  th'  vice-prisidint,  con-eludes 
that  it  wud  be  betther  f'r  th'  counthry  if  he  shud 
live  yet  awhile.  '  D'ye  know,'  says  th'  prisidint  to 
[118] 


The  Vice-President 

th'  vice-prisidint,  '  ivry  time  I  see  you  I  feel  tin  years 
younger?'  '  Ye'er  kind  wurruds,'  says  th'  vice-prisi- 
dint, '  brings  tears  to  me  eyes.  My  wife  was  say  in' 
on'y  this  mornin'  how  comfortable  we  ar-re  in  our 
little  flat.'  Some  vice-prisidints  have  been  so  anxious 
f'r  th'  prisidint's  safety  that  they've  had  to  be  warn- 
ed off  th'  White  House  grounds. 

"Aside  fr'm  th'  arjoos  duties  iv  lookin'  afther  th' 
prisidint's  health,  it  is  th'  business  iv  th'  vice-prisi- 
dint to  preside  over  th'  deliberations  iv  th'  Sinit. 
Ivry  mornin'  between  ten  an'  twelve,  he  swings  his 
hammock  in  th'  palachial  Sinit  chamber  an'  sinks  off 
into  dhreamless  sleep.  He  may  be  awakened  by 
Sinit  or  Tillman  pokin'  Sinitor  Beveridge  in  th'  eye. 
This  is  wan  way  th'  Sinit  has  iv  deliberatin'.  If  so, 
th'  vice-prisidint  rises  fr'm  his  hammock  an'  says: 
'  Th'  Sinitor  will  come  to  ordher.'  '  He  won't,'  says 
th'  Sinitor.  '  Oh,  very  well,'  says  th'  presidin'  offi- 
cer; 4  he  won't,'  an'  dhrops  off  again.  It  is  his  jooty 
to  rigorously  enforce  th'  rules  iv  th'  Sinit.  There 
ar-re  none.  Th'  Sinit  is  ruled  be  courtesy,  like  th' 
longshoreman's  union.  Th'  vice-prisidint  is  not  ex- 
pected to  butt  in  much.  It  wud  be  a  breach  iv  Sini- 
toryal  courtesy  f'r  him  to  step  down  an'  part  th' 
Sinitor  fr'm  Texas  an'  th'  Sinitor  fr'm  Injyanny  in 
th'  middle  iv  a  debate  undher  a  desk  on  whether 
Northern  gintlemen  ar-re  more  gintlemanly  thin 
Southern  gintlemen.  I  shuddent  wondher  if  he  thried 
to  do  it  if  he  was  taught  his  place  with  th'  leg  iv  a 
chair.  He  isn't  even  called  upon  to  give  a  decision. 
All  that  his  grateful  counthry  demands  fr'm  th'  man 
that  she  has  ilivated  to  this  proud  position  on  th' 
toe  iv  her  boot  is  that  he  s,hall  keep  his  opinyons  to 
[119] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

himsilf .  An'  so  he  whiles  away  th'  pleasant  hours  in 
th'  beautiful  city  iv  Wash'nton,  an'  whin  he  wakes 
up  he  is  ayether  in  th'  White  House  or  in  th'  sthreet. 
I'll  niver  say  annything  again'  th'  vice-prisidincy. 
It  is  a  good  job,  an'  is  richly  deserved  be  ayether  iv 
th'  candydates.  An',  be  Hivens,  I'll  go  further  an' 
say  it  richly  desarves  ayether  iv  thim." 


A     LENTEN     SERMON 


A     LENTEN     SERMON 


said     Mr.    Hennessy,    "  twinty-wan 
days  to  Saint  Pathrick's  day." 

"  Ar-re    ye    keepin'   Lent  ?"   asked     Mr. 
Dooley. 

"  I  am,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  I  put  th'  pipe 
back  iv  th'  clock  day  befure  yisterdah  night.  Oh, 
but  th'  las'  whiff  iv  th'  ol'  clay  was  plisint.  Ar-re 
ye  keepin'  Lent?" 

"  I  am  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  I'm  on'y  smok- 
in'  me  seegars  half  through,  an'  I  take  no  sugar  in 
me  tay.  Th'  Lord  give  me  stren'th  to  last  till 
Pathrick's  day!  Pm  keepin'  Lent,  but  I'm  not  goin' 
up  an'  down  th'  sthreet  tellin'  people  about  it.  I 
ain't  anny  prouder  iv  keepin'  Lent  thin  I  am  iv  keep- 
in'  clean.  In  our  fam'ly  we've  always  kept  it.  I  ray- 
mimber  seein'  me  father  tuck  away  th'  pipe,  cork  up 
th'  bottle  an'  put  it  in  a  thrunk  with  something  be- 
tween a  moan  an'  a  cheer,  an'  begin  to  find  fault  with 
th'  wurruld.  F'r  us  kids  Lent  was  no  gr-reat  hard- 
ship. It  on'y  meant  not  enough  iv  something  besides 
meat.  I  don't  raymimber  much  about  it  excipt  that 
on  Ash  Winsdah  ivrybody  had  a  smudge  on  his 
forehead;  an'  afther  awhile  th'  house  begun  to  smell 
a  little  iv  fish,  an'  about  th'  thirtieth  day  th'  eggs  had 
thrown  off  all  disguise  an'  was  just  plain,  yellow 
eggs. 

9  [123] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

"  Yes,  sir,  in  our  fam'ly  we  all  kept  Lent  but  me 
Uncle  Mike.  He  started  with  th'  rest,  an'  Pr  a  day  or 
two  he  wint  up  an'  down  th'  road  whippin'  butchers. 
'Twas  with  gr-reat  difficulty,  Hinnissy,  that  he  was 
previnted  fr'm  marchin'  into  th'  neighborin'  saloons 
an'  poorin'  out  th'  sthrong  wathers  on  th'  flure.  F'r 
a  short  distance  me  Uncle  Mike  was  th'  most  pious 
man  I  have  iver  met.  At  such  times  he  organized 
th'  Uncle  Michael  th'  Good  S'ciety,  an'  wint  ar-round 
inityatin'  mimbers.  To  hear  him  talk  about  nine 
o'clock  on  Ash  Winsdah  mornin'  ye'd  think  he  was 
jus'  goin'  into  th'  arena  to  fight  a  line  befure  th' 
onholy  Roman  popylace.  He'd  take  down  Th9  Lives 
iv  th9  Saints  an'  set  r-readin'  it  with  a  condescindin' 
smile  on  his  face  like  a  champeen  athleet  goin'  over 
th'  ol'  records.  *  Oh,  yes,'  he  seemed  to  be  sayin', 
*  They  were  all  r-right,  very  good  in  their  day,  no 
doubt,  but  where  wud  they  be  now?  They'se  no 
mintion  iv  Saint  Jerome  goin'  without  his  smoke,  an' 
I  haven't  had  a  pipe  iv  tobacky  since  twelve  o'clock 
last  Choosdah  night,  an'  here  it's  nine  o'clock  Wins- 
dah mornin'.'  Thin  he  wud  look  casully  to'rd  th' 
back  iv  th'  book  to  see  whether  p'raps  something 
mightn't  've  been  put  in  about  him  at  th'  las'  mo- 
ment, an'  thin  he  wud  throw  it  down  an'  say  to  him- 
silf :  '  Th9  Lives  iv  th9  Saints  f'r  eighteen  hundred 
an'  fifty  ain't  out  yet,'  an'  march  savagely  fr'm  th' 
room,  kickin'  his  nieces  an'  nevvews  as  he  wint.  At 
four  o'clock  in  th'  afthernoon  he  was  discovered  be 
me  father  settin'  on  a  saw-horse  in  th'  woodshed, 
puffin'  away  at  a  pipe  with  a  bowl  like  a  small  stove 
that  he'd  took  away  fr'm  a  German,  an'  singin'  to 
himsilf. 

[124] 


A  Lenten  Sermon 

"  But  me  Uncle  Mike,  though  a  gr-reat  warryor  in 
his  day  an'  th'  soul  iv  s'ciety,  was  not  a  model  f'r  a 
long-distance  Christyan  champeen.  He  started  with 
th'  others,  but  he  always  pulled  up  lame.  Th' 
throuble  with  him,  an'  th'  throuble  with  th'  rest  iv 
us,  is  that  we  expict  to  be  canonized  in  time  to  show 
th'  brief  to  th'  fam'ly  at  dinner.  So  I  say  I  don't 
go  ar-round  cillybratin'  Lent.  I  don't  expict  Father 
Kelly  will  sind  down  th'  Father  Macchew  Fife  an' 
Dhrum  Corps  to  serenade  me  because  I  left  that 
lump  iv  sugar  out  iv  me  tay  an'  put  in  twice  as  much 
milk.  Whin  th'  postman  comes  to  th'  dure  with  th' 
usual  line  iv  bills  an'  love-letthers  fr'm  th'  tailors, 
me  hands  don't  thremble,  expictin'  a  note  fr'm  th' 
pope  tellin'  me  I've  been  canonized.  No,  sir,  I  con- 
grathylate  mesilf  on  me  sthrong  will  power,  an'  ray- 
flict  that  sugar  makes  people  fat.  I  am  niver  goin' 
to  place  anny  medals  on  anny  wan  f'r  bein'  varchous, 
Hinnissy,  f'r  if  varchue  ain't  always  necissity,  me 
boy,  its  th'  next  thing  to  it.  I'm  tim'prate  because 
too  much  dhrink  doesn't  agree  with  me;  modest  be- 
cause I  look  best  that  way;  gin'rous  because  I  don't 
want  to  be  thought  stingy;  honest  because  iv  th' 
polis  force ;  an'  brave  whin  I  can't  r-run  away. 

"  Dock  Grogan,  who's  an  ol'  Pagan,  don't  agree 
with  Father  Kelly  on  more  thin  two  things,  though 
they're  th'  frindliest  iv  inimies;  an'  wan  iv  thim  is 
Lent.  Father  Kelly  says  'tis  good  f'r  th'  soul,  an' 
Dock  Grogan  he  says  'tis  good  f'r  th'  body.  It  comes 
at  th'  r-right  time  iv  th'  year,  he  says,  whin  ivry- 
body  has  had  a  winther  iv  stuffin'  thimsilves  an' 
floodin'  their  inteeryors  an'  settin'  up  late  at  night. 
It's  a  kind  iv  a  stand  off  f'r  th'  Chris'mas  holidays. 
[125] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

We  quit  atin'  meat  because  'tis  Lent — an'  we've  had 
too  much  meat.  We  quit  smokin'  because  'tis  Lent 
— an'  we  have  a  smokers'  heart.  We  quit  dhrink  be- 
cause it's  Lent — an'  we  want  to  see  if  th'  brakes  ar-re 
wurrukin'.  We  quit  goin'  to  th'  theaytres  because 
it's  Lent — an'  we're  sick  iv  th'  theaytres.  If  it  wasn't 
f 'r  Lent  in  March  none  iv  us  wud  live  till  th'  Fourth 
iv  July.  *  In  Lent,'  says  Father  Kelly,  '  I  get  me 
congregation  back.'  '  In  Lent,'  says  Dock  Grogan, 
'  I  lose  mine.'  '  Lent,'  says  Father  Kelly,  '  brings 
thim  nearer  Hiven.'  6  An  longer  away,'  says  Dock 
Grogan.  '  It's  hard  wurruk  f 'r  me,  but  I  like  it,' 
says  Father  Kelly.  '  It's  my  vacation  time,'  says 
Dock  Grogan,  '  but  I  don't  care  f 'r  it.'  '  It  makes 
thim  think  iv  th'  next  wurruld,'  says  Father  Kelly. 
*  An'  gives  thim  a  betther  hold  on  this,'  says  Dock 
Grogan.  '  It's  rellijon,'  says  Father  Kelly.  *  It's 
med'cine,'  says  Dock  Grogan. 

"  So  I  say,  no  medals,  plaze,  f 'r  me  on  account 
iv  that  lump  iv  sugar.  I  done  me  jooty  an'  no  more. 
Whin  th'  divvle  timpted  me  to  put  in  th'  lump  I 
said :  '  Get  thee  behind  me,  Satan,  I'm  too  fat  now.' 
That  was  all.  I  done  what  was  r-right,  because  it 
was  r-right  an'  pious  an'  a  good  thing  f'r  me  to  do. 
I  don't  claim  no  gratichood.  I  don't  ask  f'r  anny 
admiration  iv  me  piety.  But  don't  I  look  betther, 
Hinnissy?  Don't  ye  see  I'm  a  little  thinner?" 

"  Not  an  inch,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  Ye're  th* 
same  hippypotymus  ^e  was." 

"Well,  well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "That's 
sthrange.  P'raps  I'm  a  betther  man,  afther  all. 
How  long  did  ye  say  it  was  to  Pathrick's  day?" 


THE     IRISH    QUESTION 


THE     IRISH    QUESTION 

"^   •    "^HEY  was  gr-reat  ructions  in  th'  House  iv 
Commons  th'  other  day,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
JL  "  What  about?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  About  our  downthrodden  land,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Not  this  wan,  but  that  little  green  imrald  island 
iv  th'  opprissed  acrost  th'  sea.  I  can't  make 
out  what  'twas  all  about,  on'y  wan  iv  th'  good 
lads  ast  th'  Right  Hon'rable  Arthur  James  Bal- 
four,  a  long-legged  Scotchman  with  side  whiskers, 
wud  he  or  wud  he  not  give  a  day  to  th'  dis- 
cussion iv  th'  state  iv  Ireland.  He  wud  not, 
says  th'  Right  Hon'rable  Arthur  James  Balfour. 
Divvle  th'  day.  <  Well,  thin,'  says  th'  good  fellow 
with  th'  fine  name  iv  O'Donnell, '  seein'  that  I  can  get 
no  justice  f'r  me  beloved  counthry,  I  will,  with  th' 
kind  permission  iv  th'  Speaker,  an*  not  angrily,  but 
in  a  sperit  iv  parlyminthry  propriety,  step  acrost  th' 
hall,  makin'  a  ginyflixion  to  th'  Speaker  on  th'  way 
over,  shake  me  fist  in  ye'er  face  thus,  an'  lave  th' 
room,'  he  says.  An'  he  done  it.  Th'  ol'  oak  hall  iv 
Westminsther  sildom  has  witnessed  such  a  scene,  but 
manny  like  it.  Th'  air  was  filled  with  cries  iv 
'Shame,'  '  Splindid,'  'O'Donnell  aboo,'  while  th' 
Right  Hon'rable  Arthur  James  Balfour  set  in  his 
chair,  his  face  livid,  but  smilin',  th'  Speaker  tugged 
narvously  at  his  overskirt  an'  felt  iv  his  frizzes,  an' 
[129] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

siveral  iv  th'  more  violent  mimbers  iv  th'  Irish  party 
took  off  their  hats  an'  put  thim  on  again  in  token  iv 
their  rage.  It  was  some  minyits  befure  th'  House 
raysumed  its  nap.  Thus  was  another  Irish  riv'lu- 
tion  brought  to  a  succissful  con-elusion. 

"  'Twas  a  g-reat  day  f 'r  th'  race,  Hinnissy.  I 
thought,  whin  I  begun  to  read  th'  -pa-aper  an'  see 
th'  name  O'Donnell :  '  Well,  here's  where  th'  Right 
Hon'rable  Arthur  James  Balfour  .gets  a  good  smack 
in  th'  eye.'  They're  a  fightin'  breed,  th'  O'Donnells, 
though  niver  a  match  f'r  us,  an'  no  mimber  iv  th' 
fam'ly  that  I  iver  knew  cud  get  his  fist  within  an  inch 
iv  a  man's  nose  without  lavin'  it  go  two  inches  further. 
Says  I  to  mesilf :  <  Go  it,  O'Donnell,  me  boy.  Eight 
to  wan  on  ye.'  But  no!  Ne'er  a  blow  was  sthruck. 
Th'  race  iv  O'Donnells  has  changed.  They're  no 
longer  th'  burly  boys  with  th'  pike  an'  th'  scythe. 
They're  f'r  riv'lution,  but  don't  upset  th'  tay-things. 
They  no  more  attimpt  to  catch  th'  Speaker's  eye 
with  th'  thumb.  They're  in  favor  iv  freein'  Ireland, 
but  with  th'  permission  iv  th'  comity  on  rules.  It's 
right,  too,  Hinnissy.  I'm  opposed  to  vilence  in  anny 
form.  We  must  be  pathrites,  but  we  must  first  iv  all 
be  gintlemen.  Afther  ye,  me  dear  Alphonse. 

"  But  whin  I  come  to  think  iv  it,  I  guess  p'raps 
I'm  wrong.  Ye  can't  be  a  rivolutionist  in  a  silk  hat 
an'  a  long  coat.  Riv'lution  is  wurruk  f'r  th'  shirt- 
sleeves. A  riv'lution  can't  be  bound  be  th'  rules  iv 
th'  game  because  it's  again'  th'  rules  iv  th'  game. 
Put  away  th'  tall  hat,  niver  mind  th'  cups  an'  sau- 
cers, tell  ma  to  pack  up  her  things,  an'  take  th'  girls 
off  to  her  mother's.  Pah  an'  th'  boys  ar-re  goin'  to 
have  a  riv'lution. 

[130] 


The  Irish  Question 

"  Th'  Irish  wud  have  no  throuble  with  th'  English 
if  th'  English  were  Irish.  Th'  throuble  with  Eng- 
lishmen governin'  Ireland  is  that  they're  English. 
An  Englishman  niver  gets  to  know  an  Irishman. 
They  don't  speak  th'  same  language.  An  English- 
man can  understand  a  German,  a  Turk,  a  Chiny- 
man,  a  naygur,  or  an  Indyan,  but  he  don't  know 
anny  more  what  an  Irishman  is  talkin'  an'  thinkin' 
about  thin  what  th'  angels  in  Hiven  ar-re  say  in'. 
What's  th'  use  iv  con-varsin'  with  him?  Give  him  a 
belt  in  th'  jaw.  That's  a  language  so  gin'rally  un- 
dhershtud  that  ye  niver  need  a  pocket  ditchnry  to 
make  it  out.  An  Irishman  is  always  dhreamin' 
dhr earns.  If  ye  cud  get  into  th'  mind  iv  a  hungry 
Irishman  an'  a  hungry  Englishman  ye'd  find  th' 
Irishman  was  thinkin'  about  a  banket  iv  th'  gods 
with  him  in  seat  number  wan  singin'  a  song,  an'  th' 
Englishman  was  reflictin'  on  th'  smell  iv  th'  thripe 
down  th'  sthreet.  , 

"  An  Englishman  don't  know  they'se  anny  such 
things  as  wrongs  in  th'  wurruld.  He  sets  down  in 
front  iv  his  dinner  an'  says  he  to  himsilf :  *  What  a 
jolly  wurruld  this  is!  What  an  awf'lly  beastly  jolly 
wurruld!  Ivrybody  is  happy.  Anny  body  that  kicks 
does  it  f'r  exercise.  I  can't  see  a  spot  where  th' 
wurruld  needs  improvemint.  It's  such  a  complete 
job  I  must  have  done  it  mesilf.  Very  civil  iv  me* 
What  th'  doose  is  that  man  over  there  spoutin'  pothry 
about?  He's  a  loonytick.  Put  him  out.  Why,  he's 
pintin'  a  gun  at  me.  Well,  p'raps  I'd  betther  listen 
to  him.' 

"  Mind  ye,  Hinnissy,  I  ain't  in  favor  iv  dinnymite. 
Far  fr'm  it.  Even  an  Englishman  was  niver  im- 
[131] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

proved  be  bein'  blown  up.  Or  I'll  put  it  this  way: 
I'm  in  favor  iv  dinnymite,  but  not  in  favor  iv  its 
goin'  off.  They  always  ought  to  be  a  little  iv  it 
undher  an  Englishman's  chair.  Thin  we  cud  go  up 
to  him  an'  say :  *  Things  is  goin'  badly  in  Ireland,  an' 
somethin'  must  be  done.  Plaze  to  sign  this  pa-aper 
an'  redhress  our  wrongs.'  'Wrongs?'  says  he. 
6  What  ar-re  wrongs?'  he  says.  'It  wud  take  too 
long  to  explain,'  says  me.  '  We  will  on'y  say  they'se 
a  bunch  iv  joynt  powdher  undher  ye'er  chair  that 
may  go  off  anny  minyit.  Sign  here.' 

"  I  ain't  a  Feenyan,  d'ye  mind,  though  I  was,  an'  I 
ain't  a  Clan-na-Gael,  though  ye  can't  prove  it  be  me, 
but  I  niver  in  me  life  see  annything  done  without 
they  was  a  gun-play  somewhere  concealed  in  it. 
Hiven  Prbid  that  I  shud  want  annything  to  happen 
to  those  dear  cousins  iv  ours  acrost  th'  sea.  I  wud- 
den't  bring  a  tear  to  th'  blue  eye  iv  Whitelaw  Reid. 
I  don't  believe  in  too  much  foorce,  but  ye've  always 
got  to  flavor  th'  porridge  with  it.  I'd  have  a  little 
constichoochinal  agytation  an'  a  little  foorce,  a 
sthreak  iv  wan  an'  a  sthreak  iv  th'  other,  a  polite 
request  an'  a  punch  in  th'  eye,  an  argymint  an'  a 
kick,  a  janial  la-ad  in  parlymint  with  a  mellow  voice 
an'  a  good,  ginteel  accint,  an'  a  boy  in  corduroys 
behind  a  rock  in  th'  County  Sligo  to  pint  th'  moral. 
I  wud  shoot  off  th'  mouth  wan  day  an'  th'  blundher- 
buss  th'  next.  I'd  have  me  frind  Tay  Pay  stand  up 
in  parlymint  an'  say :  '  Gintlemen,  ye  know  I'm 
sthrongly  again'  th'  use  iv  foorce.  Th'  name  iv 
dinnymite  fills  me  with  abhorrence,  an'  th'  explosion 
iv  a  fire-cracker  gives  me  th'  jumps.  As  a  rale  ol' 
English  gintleman  in  a  long  coat  to  rale  ol'  English 
[132] 


The  Irish  Question 

gintlemen  in  long  coats,  as  between  fellow-sub jicks 
iv  th'  king,  that  dear,  good  man  whom  all  revere,  I 
plead  with  ye  to  do  justice  to  th'  fair  land  iv  mine, 
which  I  often  see  on  th'  maps  as  I  come  down  to  th' 
House,'  he  says.  '  Go  to  th'  divvle,'  says  th'  Right 
Hon'rable  Arthur  James  Balfour.  *  They  ain't 
enough  justice  to  go  around  amongst  us  now,  an' 
why  wud  we  be  throwin'  it  away  on  a  nice,  polite 
people  like  ye,'  he  says.  *  I  f'rgot  to  add,'  says  Tay 
Pay,  *  that  a  f rind  iv  mine  is  settin'  in  th'  gall'ry 
with  a  bag  containin'  about  thirty  pounds  iv  up-with- 
ye,'  he  says.  '  He  has  just  wrote  me  a  note  sayin'  that 
his  arm  is  tired,  an'  wud  I  mind  if  he  tossed  th'  bag 
down  to  ye,'  he  says.  *  I'm  greatly  grieved  with  th' 
action  iv  me  fellow-counthryman,  but  his  name  is 
O'Brien,  an'  I  can't  conthrol  him,'  he  says.  *  So  here 
I  go  Pr  th'  fire-escape,'  he  says ;  *  an','  he  says,  *  if 
ye'll  bring  th'  pa-apers  with  ye,'  he  says,  '  we  might 
discuss  th'  terms  iv  th'  settlemint  as  we  climb  down,' 
he  says. 

"  That's  my  policy,  Hinnissy,  an'  it's  been  th' 
policy  iv  all  other  gr-reat  statesmen.  Niver  start  a 
riv'lution  without  a  gun.  Niver  ask  a  man  Pr  anny- 
thing  unless  ye  can  make  him  think  ye're  li'ble  to 
take  it,  annyhow.  My  wrongs  ar-re  my  wrongs,  an' 
it's  little  ye  mind  thim  until  they  begin  to  hurt  ye. 
If  I'm  sick  in  me  room  up-stairs  ye  don't  care,  but 
whin  I  begin  hollerin'  an'  jumpin'  on  th'  flure  an* 
knockin'  th'  plastherin'  down  on  ye'er  head  ye'll  sind 
f 'r  th'  doctor.  I'd  have  all  th'  mimbers  iv  parlymint 
wear  black  coats,  but  they  ought  to  be  ready  to  peel 
thim  off  at  a  minyit's  notice  an'  show  up  ready  Pr 
business  in  red  shirts. 

[133] 


Dissertations    by  Mr.  Doolcy 

"  F'r,  Hinnissy,  Ireland  '11  niver  get  annything 
fr'm  England  but  a  threaty  iv  peace." 

"  I  wondher  will  England  iver  free  Ireland  ?" 
asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Niver,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  What  talk  have  ye? 
No  wan  wants  it  that  way.  England  will  niver  free 
Ireland,  but  some  day,  if  we  make  it  inthrestin' 
enough  Pr  her  she'll  have  to  free  England  iv  Ireland. 
An'  that  '11  be  all  right." 


THE    AMERICAN    FAMILY 


THE    AMERICAN     FAMILY 

"TS  th'  race  dyin'  out?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Is  it  what  ?"  replied  Mr.  Hennessy . 
JL  "Is  it  dyin'  out?"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Th' 
ministhers  an'  me  frind  Dock  Eliot  iv  Harvard  say 
it  is.  Dock  Eliot  wud  know  diff'rent  if  he  was  a  rale 
dock  an'  wint  flying  up  Halsted  Sthreet  in  a  buggy, 
floggin'  a  white  horse  to  be  there  on  time.  But  he 
ain't,  an'  he's  sure  it's  dyin'  out.  Childher  ar-re 
disappearin'  fr'm  America.  He  took  a  squint  at  th' 
list  iv  Harvard  graduates  th'  other  day,  an'  discovered 
that  they  had  ivrything  to  make  home  happy  but 
kids.  Wanst  th'  wurruld  was  full  iv  little  Harvards. 
Th'  counthry  swarmed  with  thim.  Ye  cud  tell  a  Har- 
vard man  at  wanst  be  a  look  at  his  feet.  He  had  th' 
unmistakable  cradle  fut.  It  was  no  sthrange  thing 
to  see  an  ol'  Harvard  man  comin'  back  to  his  almy 
mather  pushin'  a  baby-carredge  full  iv  twins  an' 
ladin'  a  fam'ly  that  looked  like  an  advertisemint  in 
th'  newspapers  to  show  th'  percintage  iv  purity  iv 
bakin'-powdhers.  Prisidint  Eliot  was  often  disturbed 
in  a  discoorse,  pintin'  out  th'  dangers  iv  th'  counthry, 
be  th'  outcries  iv  th'  progeny  iv  fair  Harvard.  Th' 
campus  was  full  iv  baby-carredges  on  commincemint 
day,  an'  specyal  accomydations  had  to  be  took  f'r 
nurses.  In  thim  happy  days  some  wan  was  always 
teethin'  in  a  Harvard  fam'ly.  It  looked  as  if  ivin- 
[137] 


Dissertations    by  Mr.  Doolcy 

chooly  th'  wurruld  wud  be  peopled  with  Harvard 
men,  an'  th'  Chinese  wud  have  to  pass  an  Exclusion 
Act.  But  something  has  happened  to  Harvard.  She 
is  projoocin'  no  little  rah-rahs  to  glad  th'  wurruld. 
Th'  av'rage  fam'ly  iv  th'  Harvard  gradjate  an' 
th'  jackass  is  practically  th'  same.  Th'  Harvard 
man  iv  th'  prisint  day  is  th'  last  iv  his  race. 
No  artless  prattle  is  heerd  in  his  home. 

"  An'  me  f  rind  Prisidint  Eliot  is  sore  about  it,  an' 
he  has  communicated  th'  sad  fact  to  th'  clargy. 
Nawthin'  th'  clargy  likes  so  much  as  a  sad  fact.  Lave 
wan  iv  me  frinds  iv  th'  clargy  know  that  we're  goin' 
to  th'  divvle  in  a  new  way  an'  he's  happy.  We  used 
to  take  th'  journey  be  covetin'  our  neighbor's  ox  or 
his  ass  or  be  disobeyin'  our  parents,  but  now  we  have 
no  parents  to  disobey  or  they  have  no  childher  to 
disobey  thim.  Th'  American  people  is  becomin'  as 
unfruitful  as  an  ash-heap.  We're  no  betther  thin  th' 
Fr-rinch.  They  say  th'  pleasin'  squawk  iv  an  infant 
hasn't  been  heerd  in  France  since  th'  Franco-Proo- 
shun  war.  Th'  governmint  offers  prizes  f'r  families, 
but  no  wan  claims  thim.  A  Frinch  gintleman  who 
wint  to  Germany  wanst  has  made  a  good  deal  iv 
money  lecturin'  on  '  Wild  Babies  I  have  Met,'  but 
ivry  wan  says  he's  a  faker.  Ye  can't  convince  anny 
wan  in  France  that  there  ar're  anny  babies.  )Ve're 
goin'  th'  same  way.  Less  thin  three  millyon  babies 
was  bor'rn  in  this  counthry  las'  year.  Think  iv  it, 
Hinnissy — less  thin  three  millyon,  hardly  enough  to 
consume  wan-tenth  iv  th'  output  iv  pins!  It's  a 
horrible  thought.  I  don't  blame  ivry  wan,  fr'm 
Tiddy  Rosenfelt  down,  f'r  worryin'  about  it. 

"  What's  th'  cause,  says  ye  ?  I  don't  know.  I've 
[138] 


The  American  Family 

been  readin'  th'  newspapers,  an'  ivrybody's  been 
tellin'  why.  Late  marredges,  arly  marredges,  no 
marredges,  th'  cost  iv  livin',  th'  luxuries  iv  th'  day, 
th'  tariff,  th'  thrusts,  th'  spots  on  th'  sun,  th'  diffi- 
culty iv  obtainin'  implyemint,  th'  growth  iv  culture, 
th'  pitcher-hat,  an'  so  on.  Ivrybody's  got  a  raison, 
but  none  iv  thim  seems  to  meet  th'  bill.  I've  been 
lookin'  at  th'  argymints  pro  an'  con,  an'  I  come  to 
th'  conclusion  that  th'  race  is  dyin'  out  on'y  in  spots. 
Th'  av'rage  size  iv  th'  fam'ly  in  Mitchigan  Avnoo 
is  .000001,  but  th'  av'rage  size  iv  th'  fam'ly  in  Ar- 
rcheyR-road  is  somewhat  larger.  Afther  I  r-read  what 
Dock  Eliot  had  to  say  I  ast  me  frind  Dock  Grogan 
what  he  thought  about  it.  He's  a  rale  dock.  He  has 
a  horse  an'  buggy.  He's  out  so  much  at  night  that 
th'  polis  ar-re  always  stoppin'  him,  thinkin'  he  is  a 
burglar.  Th'  dock  has  prepared  some  statistics  f'r 
me,  an'  here  they  ar're:  Number  iv  twins  bor-rn  in 
Ar-rchey  Road  fr'm  Halsted  Sthreet  to  Westhern 
Avnoo,  fr'm  Janooary  wan  to  Janooary  wan,  355 
pairs;  number  iv  thrips  iv  thriplets  in  th'  same  fiscal 
year,  nine;  number  iv  individjool  voters,  eighty-three 
thousan'  nine  hundherd  an'  forty-two;  av'rage  size 
iv  fam'ly,  fourteen;  av'rage  weight  iv  parents,  wan 
hundherd  an'  eighty-five;  av'rage  size  iv  rooms,  nine 
be  eight;  av'rage  height  iv  ceilin',  nine  feet;  av'rage 
wages,  wan  dollar  sivinty-five;  av'rage  duration  iv 
doctor's  bills,  two  hundherd  years. 

"  I  took  th'  statistics  to  *Father  Kelly.  He's  an 
onprejudiced  man,  an'  if  th'  race  was  dyin'  out  he 
wud  have  had  a  soundin'-boord  in  his  pulpit  long  ago, 
so  that  whin  he  mintioned  th'  wurrud  '  Hell,'  ivry 
wan  in  th'  congregation  wud  have  thought  he  meant 
[139] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

him  or  her.  '  I  think,'  says  Father  Kelly,  '  that  Dock 
Grogan  is  a  little  wrong  in  his  figures.  He's  boast- 
in'.  In  this  parrish  I  allow  twelve  births  to  wan 
marredge.  It  varies,  iv  coorse,  bein'  sometimes  as 
low  as  nine,  an'  sometimes  as  high  as  fifteen.  But 
twelve  is  about  th'  av'rage,'  he  says.  *  If  ye  see 
Dock  Eliot,'  he  says,  *  ye  can  tell  him  th'  race  ain't 
dyin'  out  very  bad  in  this  here  part  iv  the  wurruld. 
On  th'  conthry.  It  ain't  liable  to,  ayether,'  he  says, 
'  onless  wages  is  raised,'  he  says.  '  Th'  poor  ar-re 
becomin'  richer  in  childher,  an'  th'  rich  poorer,'  he 
says.  '  'Tis  always  th'  way,'  he  says.  '  Th'  bigger 
th'  house  th'  smaller  th'  fam'ly.  Mitchigan  Avnoo 
is  always  thinnin'  out  fr'm  itsilf,  an*  growin'  fr'm 
th'  efforts  iv  Ar-rchey  R-road.  'Tis  a  way  Nature  has 
iv  gettin'  even  with  th'  rich  an'  pow'rful.  Wan  part 
iv  town  has  nawthin'  but  money,  an'  another  nawthin' 
but  childher.  A  man  with  tin  dollars  a  week  will 
have  tin  childher,  a  man  with  wan  hundherd  dollars 
will  have  five,  an'  a  man  with  a  millyon  will  buy  an 
autymobill.  Ye  can  tell  Schwartzmeister,  with  his 
thirteen  little  Hanses  an'  Helenas,  that  he  don't  have 
to  throw  no  bombs  to  make  room  f 'r  his  childher.  Th' 
people  over  in  Mitchigan  Avnoo  will  do  that  thim- 
silves.  Nature,'  he  says,  '  is  a  wild  dimmycrat,'  he 
says. 

"  I  guess  he's  right.  I'm  goin'  to  ask  Dock  Eliot, 
Tiddy  Rosenfelt,  an'  all  th'  rest  iv  thim  to  come  up 
Ar-rchey  R-road  some  summer's  afthernoon  an'  show 
thim  th'  way  th'  r-race  is  dyin'  out.  Th'  front  stoops 
is  full  iv  childher;  they  block  th'  throlley-cars ; 
they're  shyin'  bricks  at  th'  polis,  pullin'  up  coal-hole 
covers,  playin'  ring-around-th'-rosy,  makin'  paper 
[140] 


The  American  Family 

dolls,  goin'  to  Sundah  -  school,  hurryin'  with  th' 
sprinklin'-pot  to  th'  place  at  th'  corner,  an'  indulgin' 
in  other  spoorts  iv  childhood.  Pah-pah  is  settin' 
on  th'  steps,  ma  is  lanin'  out  iv  th'  window  gassin' 
with  th'  neighbors,  an'  a  squad  iv  polis  ar-re  up  at 
th'  church,  keepin'  th'  christenin'  parties  fr'm  mob- 
bin'  Father  Kelly  while  he  inthrajooces  wan  thousan' 
little  howlin'  dimmycrats  to  Christyan  s'ciety.  No, 
sir,  th'  race,  far  fr'm  dyin'  out  in  Ar-rchey  R-road, 
is  runnin'  aisy  an'  comin'  sthrong." 

"  Ye  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  talk  about  such  sub- 
jicks,  ye,  an  ol'  batch,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  It's  a 
seeryous  question." 

"  How  many  childher  have  ye  ?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley . 

"  Lave  me  see,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  Wan,  two, 
four,  five,  eight,  siven,  eight,  tin, — no,  that's  not 
right.  Lave  me  see.  Ah,  yes,  I  f'rgot  Terence.  We 
have  fourteen." 

"  If  th'  race  iv  Hinnissys  dies  out,"  said  Mr.  Doo- 
ley, "  'twill  be  fr'm  overcrowdin'." 


THE    CARNEGIE-HOMER 
CONTROVERSY 


THE     CARNEGIE-HOMER 
CONTROVERSY 

""TTT'S  turr'ble  th'  way  me  frind  Andhrew  Carnay- 
gie  has  been  jumpin'  on  Homer,"  said  Mr. 
JL  Dooley. 

"What  Homer?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Homer,  th'  pote,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  Has  Andhrew  been  roastin'  him?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  He  has,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  He's  been  givin' 
it  to  him  good.  It's  all  up  with  Homer.  No  wan  will 
print  his  stuff  anny  more.  He'll  be  goin'  round  with 
a  pome  undher  his  ar'rm  fr'm  newspaper  to  news- 
paper, thryin'  to  sell  it.  '  They'se  a  man  wants  to 
see  ye,'  says  th'  office  boy.  'What's  he  like?'  says 
th'  iditor.  '  He's  an  ol'  bald-headed  man,  with  long 
whiskers  an'  dhressed  in  a  table-cloth.  I  think  he's 
blind,  Pr  he  was  led  in  be  a  dog  on  a  sthring,'  says 
he.  <  Oh,  it's  on'y  ol'  Homer,'  says  th'  iditor.  <  Tell 
him  I'm  busy,'  he  says.  Carnaygie  has  busted  him. 
People  will  talk  about  him  fr'm  now  on  as  th'  fellow 
that  Carnaygie  threw  into  th'  fire. 

"  'Twill  be  a  hard  blow  to  Hogan.     I  niver  r-read 

annything  that  Homer  wrote,  but  Hogan  an'  th'  ol' 

fellow  was  gr-reat  frinds.     I  got  an  idee  that  Homer 

ain't  anny  too  well  off.     -He  niver  knew  annything 

[145] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

about  mannyfacthrin'  pig-ir'n,  an'  bein'  blind  he 
couldn't  tell  good  money  fr'm  bad.  He  niver  sold 
canned  air  to  th'  govermint  f'r  armor-plate,  an'  he 
didn't  know  th'  Prince  iv  Wales  at  all.  If  ye  wint  to 
ol'  Homer  an'  thried  to  tell  him  that  be  handin'  a 
little  coin  to  th'  freight  agent  iv  th'  Pinnsylvania 
he  cud  ship  his  pothry  fr'm  Pittsburg  to  Phillydel- 
phy  cheaper  thin  Roodyard  Kiplin',  th'  chances  ar-re 
he'd  tell  ye  to  go  to  th'  divvle,  an'  raysume  his  pome. 
He  had  no  business  head,  an'  he  niver  founded  a  libry 
buildin',  though  I've  heerd  tell  he  founded  a  few 
libries. 

"  Poor,  ol'  la-ad!  I  feel  bad  about  him.  An'  it's 
hard  on  Hogan.  He's  always  blowin'  about  Homer. 
Ye'd  think  this  ol'  fellow  was  all  th'  potes  there  iver 
was.  It  was  Homer  this  an'  Homer  that.  Homer 
says  so-an'-so.  D'ye  raymimber  what  Homer  said 
about  that?  He's  as  blind  as  a  bat,  but  he  can  see 
more  thin  mortial  man.  He  is  poor,  but  his  head  is 
full  iv  kings  an'  princes,  an'  not  fat  little  kings  that 
are  th'  same  height  annyway  ye  take  thim,  but  long, 
lean  kings  that  ar-re  always  chargin'  round,  soord 
in  hand,  an'  slayin'  each  other.  Sivin  cities  claim 
Homer's  birthplace,  which  is  eight  more  thin  claim 
Andhrew  Camay gie's — Ithaca,  Utica,  an'  five  other 
places  in  cinthral  New  York  that  I  don't  raymimber. 
'  I  felt,'  says  Hogan,  '  whin  I  first  met  Homer,  like 
th'  pote  that  said  he  felt  like  somebody  or  other  whin 
first  he  looked  out  upon  th'  Passyfic  fr'm  th'  City 
iv  Mexico,'  he  says.  Why,  th'  man's  been  crazy  about 
that  ol'  blind  fellow.  Now  it's  my  turn.  Whin  he 
comes  round  ye'll  hear  me  say :  '  How's  ye'er  f rind 
Homer  now?'  or  '  Have  ye  heerd  fr'm  Homer  lately?' 
[146] 


The  Carnegie-Homer  Controversy 

or  'What's  Homer  doin'  in  th'  pothry  line?'  I'll 
make  life  a  burden  to  Hogan. 

"  Ye  didn't  see  what  Camay gie  said,  did  ye?  I'll 
tell  ye.  '  Th'  other  night,'  he  says, '  I  wint  home,  tired 
out  with  th'  complimints  I  had  rayceived  fr'm  mesilf , 
an'  settled  in  me  cosey  libry,  full  iv  th'  choicest  back- 
gammon boords,'  he  says.  *  I  picked  up  wan  book 
afther  another  fr'm  th'  libry-table.  Sthrange  to  say, 
they  were  all  be  th'  wan  author — me  fav'rite  author, 
th'  kindly  sowl  that  is  a  constant  inspiration  to  me, — 
mesilf,'  he  says.  *  I  craved  lighter  readin',  an'  sint 
out  to  me  butler,  who's  a  grajate  iv  a  Scotch  college 
— which  I  have  made  into  a  first-class  intilligence 
office — f'r  anny  readin'  matther  he  had  on  hand. 
He  sint  me  a  copy  iv  a  pote  be  th'  name  iv  Homer — 
I  don't  recklect  his  full  name,  but  I  think  'twas  James 
J.  Homer.  P'raps  some  iv  ye  will  know.  He's  a 
Greek  pote,  an'  this  book  was  in  th'  original  Greek, 
thranslated  into  English,'  he  says.  '  I  read  it  very 
fluently,'  he  says.  'Well,  I  don't  know  that  th' 
matther  is  worth  talkin'  about,  excipt  to  tell  ye  how 
I  felt  about  it ;  but  if  this  is  th'  way  modhren  lithra- 
choor  is  tindin'  I'm  goin'  to  put  a  blast  chimbly  into 
all  me  libries. 

"  « Iv  all  th'  foolish  books !  Here's  a  fellow  settin' 
down  to  write,  an'  gettin'  th'  good  money  iv  th'  pub- 
lic, that  hasn't  anny  style,  anny  polish,  an'  don't 
know  th'  first  ilimints  iv  th'  Greek  language.  An' 
his  charackters !  I  tell  ye,  boys,  I  know  a  few  things 
about  kings.  I  don't  go  be  hearsay  about  thim.  I 
know  thim.  I've  had  thim  right  in  me  own  house. 
They've  slept  undher  me  roof,  an'  even  fr'm  th'  barn, 
where  coort  etiket  prescribes  I  must  lay  me  bed  whin 
[147] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

rielty  is  in  th'  house,  I've  heerd  th'  kingly  snore  iv 
that  charmin'  monarch  Edward  iv  illusthrees  memory, 
who  raymimbers  me  name.  I  can  tell  ye  all  about 
kings,  an'  I  will  if  some  wan  will  lock  th'  dure.  An' 
I  say  to  ye  that  this  man  Homer  don't  know  a  king 
fr'm  a  doose. 

"  '  He's  got  wan  charackter  in  th'  book,  a  king  be 
th'  name  iv  Achills.  What  kind  iv  a  king  does  he 
make  iv  him?  Is  he  a  small,  r-round,  haughty  king, 
with  a  pinted  beard,  who  says :  "  Andy,  f 'r  a  foolish 
little  man,  ye  have  a  very  good  house."  Not  at  all; 
this  Achills  is  no  more  an'  no  less  thin  a  dhrunken 
vagabone.  He's  roysterin'  an'  cuttin'  up  fr'm  morn- 
in'  to  night ;  he's  choppin'  people  open ;  he's  insultin' 
his  frinds  an'  bethrayin'  his  counthry,  an'  fin'lly  he 
dies  be  bein'  hit  on  th'  heel.  Did  ye  iver  hear  th' 
like?  I  know  kings,  I  tell  ye,  an  that's  not  th'  kind 
iv  men  they  ar-re  at  all.  They  don't  carry  soords, 
but  canes.  I  wear  a  chip  fr'm  th'  cane  iv  wan  iv  thim 
who  shall  be  nameless  to  all  but  ye,  me  frinds ;  but  it 
was  King  Edward,  I  wear  a  sliver  fr'm  his  walkin'- 
stick  over  me  heart  at  this  minyit.  They  don't  get 
dhrunk  at  all.  As  a  rule  they  ar-re  very  tim-prate  in 
their  habits,  though  not  teetotal,  mind  ye.  A  little 
booze  at  lunch,  an'  a  little  more  at  dinner,  an'  a  short, 
hot  wan  befure  goin'  to  bed.  If  a  king  gets  a  little 
pickled  be  anny  chanst,  I  don't  mind  tellin'  ye,  he 
don't  go  an'  fight  like  a  cabman.  He  slaps  me  on  th' 
back,  offers  to  race  me  ar-round  Skibo  Castle  f'r  a 
dollar,  weeps  a  little  because  he  ain't  well  threated  at 
home,  an'  goes  to  sleep  on  a  lounge.  Far  fr'm 
dhressin'  in  a  little  short  ballet-dancer's  skirts,  with 
bare  legs,  th'  way  this  fellow  Homer  makes  thim  out, 
[148] 


The  Carnegie-Homer  Controversy 

kings  is  very  modestly  attired  in  a  black  coat  an' 
pearl-colored  pants,  although  I  don't  mind  tellin'  ye 
that  I  did  wanst  have  th'  good  fortune  to  see  a  mon- 
arch that  I  won't  name,  but  p'raps  ye  can  guess,  in 
a  pair  iv  pyjamas — but  aven  thin  ivry  inch  a  king. 
Homer  don't  know  th'  customs  iv  good  s'ciety.  He 
writes  like  a  cook.  I  was  so  furyous  I  hurled  th' 
book  into  th'  fire,  an'  I'm  goin'  to  direct  that  anny 
future  wurruk  iv  his  be  excluded  fr'm  me  libries,'  he 
says. 

"  An'  there's  Homer  in  th'  fire.  Poor  ol'  la-ad. 
His  day  is  done.  He's  been  caught  fakin',  an'  no- 
body will  thrust  him  again.  If  ye  go  into  th'  Dope 
Lover's  Libry  an'  ask  f 'r  th'  pomes  iv  Homer  they'll 
say :  '  I  want  ye  to  undherstand  this  is  a  rayspictable 
shop.  Take  a  copy  iv  Treeumphant  Dimocracy,  be 
A.  Camay gie.  Hoi'  on  there!  Don't  ye  throw  that 
inkstand !' 

"  Poor,  ol'  la-ad.  Where'll  he  turn  now?  Mind 
ye,  I  think  me  frind  Andhrew  Carnaygie  is  r-right. 
Th'  book  iv  Homer's  pomes  that  Hogan  brought  in 
here  wan  day  had  pitchers  iv  th'  kings,  an'  wud  ye 
believe  it,  they  was  all  thruckmen.  Yes,  sir,  ivry 
king  iv  thim  was  dhrivin'  a  dhray  an'  fightin'  fr'm 
it  just  like  ye  see  thim  on  th'  docks.  I  suppose  th' 
poor,  ol'  man  niver  see  a  king  in  his  life.  His  idee 
iv  a  king  is  a  big  fellow  on  a  deliv'ry  wagon.  But 
I'm  sorry  Carnaygie  wint  at  him  that  r-rough.  He 
ought  to  considered  that  he  was  ol'  an'  blind  an' 
hasn't  got  more  thin  a  millyon  years  longer  to  live. 
If  he'd  sint  him  a  phottygraft  or  a  short  description 
or  something  to  wurruk  on,  an'  thin  if  he  didn't  put 
a  cutaway  coat  on  Achills,  it  wud  be  time  to  hammer 
[149] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

him.  But  th'  harm  is  done.  Homer's  cooked.  It's  a 
gr-reat  joke  on  Hogan." 

"  I  wondher  what  he'll  say,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Maybe,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  he'll  say  that  Homer 
don't  care." 


GAMBLING 


GAMBLING 

"TIT  THAT'S  a  gamblin'  system?"  asked  Mr. 
\/\/     Hennessy. 

T    T  "A  gamblin'  system,"  said  Mr.  Doo- 

ley,  "  like  alyenation  iv  affictions,  is  wan  way  iv 
makin'  a  livelihood  among  th'  British  arrystocracy. 
A  young  jook  in  New  York  has  th'  best  wan  I  iver 
heerd  iv.  He's  been  tellin'  about  it.  *  On  Janooary 
twinty-eighth,'  he  says,  '  I  held  a  meetin'  iv  me  syn- 
dicate. Unforchnitely  sivral  iv  th'  most  enthusyastic 
an'  insurable  was  absent,  it  bein'  a  busy  day  in  th' 
insane  coort,  but  at  nightfall  I  was  able  to  speed  with 
tin  thousan'  dollars  in  th'  sweat-band  iv  me  coronet 
to  th'  altar  where  th'  Goddess  iv  Fortune,  riprisintin' 
a  syndicate  iv  binivolent  Jews,  presides,'  he  says, 
6  over  th'  exercises  iv  her  votaries,'  he  says.  '  In 
other  wurruds,  I  wint  to  play  th'  foolish  wheel,'  he 
says.  *  I  will  read  f r'm  me  di'ry :  Thursdah :  Played 
on'y  th'  twinty-siven  an'  th'  three,  f 'r  I'm  thirty  years 
ol'  to-day,  an'  three  fr'm  thirty  laves  twinty-siven. 
Th'  system  wurruks  splindidly.  I  dhropped  on'y  two 
thousan',  whereas  th'  man  on  wan  side  iv  me,  that 
was  playin'  a  dhream  his  wife  had,  lost  twinty-five 
hundherd,  an'  th'  man  on  th'  other  side  iv  me,  who 
was  asleep,  lost  three  thousan'  an'  a  Masonic  imblim. 
A  good  day.  Fridah:  To-day  I  play  th'  four,  th' 
siven,  an'  th'  thirteen,  twice  four  bein'  siven,  an' 
[153] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

thirteen  th'  reg'lar  Fridah  number.  Almost  won 
twinty  thousan'.  Lost  six  thousan'.  Saturdah :  Play 
th'  color  system.  I  am  detarmined  to  win.  Th'  bank 
is  ividintly  afraid  iv  me,  f'r  th'  crooper  has  just  tol' 
me  in  a  voice  croopy  with  emotion  that  he  will  accipt 
on'y  money  f'r  chips.  It  is  too  aisy.  I  glay  th'  r-red. 
Th'  crooper  is  white  with  fear.  I  can  hear  him  move 
his  feet  narvously  undher  th'  table  like  a  man  wurruk- 
in'  a  sewin'-machine.  Th'  wheel  stops  suddenly.  It 
is  black.  How  sthrange!  Sundah:  It  is  my  day. 
Th'  betther  th'  day  th'  betther  I'll  do  thim.  But  they 
ar-re  frightened.  They  rayfuse  to  tu-rn  f'r  a  pair 
iv  cuff  buttons  an'  a  solid,  gun-metal  cigareet  case. 
I  lave  th'  room,  an'  as  I  go  out  th'  crooper,  to  concale 
his  fear,  whistles :  "Ar-re  they  anny  more  at  home  like 
you?"  I  will  take  me  system  to  America,  an'  have 
it  fi-nanced.  Me  system,'  he  says,  '  needs  nourish- 
mint,'  he  says. 

"  It's  a  surprise  to  me,  Hinnissy,  that  th'  men 
r-runnin'  gamblin'  houses  ain't  broke.  Maybe  they 
ar-re  broke.  Maybe  they're  broke,  an'  just  keep  up 
th'  game  because  it's  a  thradition  in  th'  fam'y,  an' 
they're  proud  an'  they  don't  want  th'  ol'  folks  at  home 
to  hear  they've  quit.  But  it's  a  shame  to  take  their 
money  fr'm  thim  in  this  undherhanded  way.  Th' 
jook  iv  Roslyn  will  niver  have  no  luck  with  that  kind 
iv  money.  I  warn  him  now.  A  curse  will  hang  over 
th'  ill-gotten  gains,  wrenched  fr'm  th'  poor,  ign'rant 
gambler  be  means  iv  a  lead  pencil  an'  a  prim'ry  arith- 
metic. He  may  die  rich,  but  his  conscience  will  afflict 
him  to  th'  end,  an'  his  name  will  be  spoken  with 
scorn  be  future  gin'rations  to  come.  Th'  law  ought 
to  step  in  an'  intherfere.  Manny  a  gambler  who  has 
[154] 


Gambling 

spint  th'  best  years  iv  his  life  dalin'  two  at  a  time 
an'  haulin'  in  sleepers  is  in  fear  iv  his  life  that  th' 
jook  iv  Roslyn  will  dayscind  on  him,  slug  him  with 
his  system,  an'  take  th'  bread  an'  butther  out  iv  th' 
mouths  iv  his  childher  an'  th'  di'monds  out  iv  th' 
ears  iv  his  wife.  Wan  iv  our  naytional  industhries 
is  threatened.  If  this  sign  iv  arrystocracy  can  come 
over  here  an'  roon  our  gamblers,  what's  to  prevint  him 
fr'm  robbin'  Russell  Sage  or  deprivin'  Hetty  Green 
iv  th'  discomforts  iv  life? 

"  I  niver  was  in  a  gamblin'-house  but  wanst.  Ho- 
gan  took  me  there.  Besides  bein'  a  pote  he's  a  great 
fi-nancier.  '  Come  up,'  he  says,  '  an'  help  me  woo 
th'  Goddess  iv  Chance,'  he  says.  *  I  have  a  system,' 
he  says.  '  I  haven't  seen  th'  lady  f'r  years,'  I  says, 
*  but  I'll  go  along  an'  see  ye  home  whin  she  turns 
loose  th'  dog  on  ye,'  I  says.  *  Where  does  she  live 
now?'  I  says.  *  Over  Dorsey's  saloon,'  he  says.  An' 
I  wint  with  him.  Th'  Goddess  of  Chance  certainly 
lives  well,  Hinnissy.  They  was  a  naygur  at  th'  dure, 
an'  th'  room  was  full  iv  light  fr'm  chandyleers,  an' 
they  was  onyx  cuspidors  upon  th'  flure.  Business 
seemed  to  be  good,  but  I  cudden't  see  th'  goddess 
anny where.  '  Where  is  th'  Goddess  iv  Chance  ?'  I 
ast  Hogan.  *  Here,'  says  he,  settin'  down  in  front 
iv  th'  wheel  an'  pushin'  over  his  pay  envelope.  *  She's 
a  burly  lady,'  says  I,  f'r  th'  goddess  had  a  black 
mustache  an'  wore  a  sthraw  hat  with  a  hole  knocked 
in  it.  6  Woo  her  very  gently,'  says  I.  Not  lookin' 
f'r  anny  chances,  I  wint  over  to  th'  side-boord  an' 
dealt  mesilf  two  dollars'  worth  iv  turkey.  I  was 
imptyin'  th'  pickle-dish  whin  th'  owner  iv  th'  parlor 
took  me  be  th'  ar-rm  an'  led  me  away  to  a  quiet 
ii  [155] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

corner.  He  was  a  nice  man,  an'  him  an'  me  soon  had 
our  feet  in  each  other's  laps. 

"  '  Ye  have  a  fine  business  here,'  says  I.  '  It's 
betther  thin  it  was  a  few  minyits  ago,'  says  he.  '  But 
it's  a  dull  life.'  '  I  don't  see  what  r-right  ye  have  to 
complain,'  I  says.  *  Ye  have  a  gran'  palatchial 
place,'  I  says.  *  Ye  ought  to  be  happy  with  these 
Brussel's  carpets,  glass  chandy leers,  an'  jooled  spit- 
toons,' I  says.  'What  d'ye  want?'  I  says.  'That's 
what  ivrybody  thinks,'  says  he.  '  People  invy  us 
who  know  nawthin'  about  th'  hardships  iv  th'  life. 
In  th'  first  place,  I  detest  cards.  I  niver  gamble,'  he 
says.  *  Befure  I  left  me  home  in  Injianny  me  father, 
who  was  a  Methodist  ministher  in  Terry  Hut,  placed 
his  hand  on  me  head  and  said :  "  Ikey,  ye  ar-re  goin' 
out  into  th'  wurruld.  Promise  me  niver  to  touch  a 
card."  I  promised,  an  I've  kept  me  vow. 

"  '  I  wish  he  hadn't  ast.  It's  thrue  I  have  made 
some  money,  but  th'  life  is  a  dog's  life,  afther  all.  I 
have  established  a  fine  business,  although  th'  hours  is 
long  an'  they'se  a  great  dale  iv  wear  an'  tear  f  r'm  th' 
polis,  an'  we're  obliged  to  have  th'  windows  shut  to 
keep  in  th'  noise  iv  th'  chips  an'  th'  suckers  an'  th' 
smell,  he  says.  '  I  have  a  reli'ble  staff.  That  sales- 
man behind  th'  faro-box  is  an  excellent  clerk.  I  pay 
him  eight  dollars  a  night,  an'  he  arns  it.  Th'  wheel- 
wright who  is  just  now  handin'  ye'er  frind  with  th' 
specs  a  stack  iv  bone  in  exchange  f'r  a  pitcher  iv 
Salmon  P.  Chase,  is  cap'ble  an'  thrustworthy.  Th' 
bright-lookin'  fellow  at  th'  chuck-a-luck  table  I  took 
out  iv  a  broker's  office  an'  made  a  man  iv  him.  He 
Was  a  con-firmed  gambler,  but  to-day  he  is  thurly 
reli'ble.  All  this,  iv  coorse,  is  satisfactory  to  a  busi- 
[156] 


Gambling 

ness  man.  But  what  I  complain  iv  is  th'  occupation 
is  so  teejous.  It's  th'  same  thing  night  afther  night. 
They'se  no  excitemint.  Th'  same  dull  routine  in  th' 
same  overheated  air,  th'  same  chin-to-chin  chat  with 
th'  young,  dhrunk,  an'  affictionate,  childher  iv  th' 
rich. 

I  don't  gamble.  Does  J.  Pierpont  Morgan  buy 
his  own  bonds?  It's  th'  same  thing.  I  wisht  I 
did.  In  ivry  other  business  in  life  th'  ilimint  iv 
chance  enthers  in.  But  not  in  mine.  Th'  banker, 
th'  dhry-goods  merchant,  th'  lawyer,  th'  money-lender 
takes  risks.  His  days  are  enlivened  be  excitemint. 
But  there  ar-re  no  risks  in  this  business.  It's  wan 
dull,  monotonous  grind,  th'  same  ol'  percintage,  th' 
same  dhreary  gatherin'  in  iv  th'  mazuma,  till  me 
heart  sickens  within  me,  an'  I'm  almost  timpted  to 
thry  some  risky  pur  soot  like  pawnbrokin'.  Wanst 
in  a  while  th'  dead  waste  iv  monotony  is  enlivened  be 
an  incident.  Wan  iv  me  op'ratives  sprained  his  wrist 
las'  week  takin'  th'  money  fr'm  an  expert  accountant, 
who  had  a  system  that  no  wan  cud  bate.  Sometimes 
a  man  comes  in  here  without  a  system  at  all.  They 
was  wan  such  las'  week.  We  cud  on'y  take  half  what 
he  got,  an'  I  had  to  go  out  an'  wait  f'r  him  in  a 
muddy  alley  to  get  th'  r-rest.  But  these  cases  ar-re 
rare.  I  on'y  mintion  thim  to  show  ye  how  excited  we 
become  with  th'  smallest  pleasures.  It's  a  dhreary, 
dhreary  life.  Jawn,  go  over  to  th'  hotel  an'  see  what 
ails  th'  jook  iv  Roslyn.  He's  late.' 

"  I  took  th'  poor  man  be  th'  hand,  Hinnissy,  an' 
says  I :  '  But,  me  poor  f rind,  is  there  no  way  to  en- 
liven ye'er  pursoot  ?'  I  says.  *  Is  there  no  way  iv 
increasin'  th'  chances  again'  ye  ?'  I  says.  *  None,'  says 
[157] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

he,  *  while  there  ar-re  so  manny  people  with  pear- 
shaped  heads,'  he  says.  An'  a  tear  was  in  his  eye  as 
he  felt  f 'r  me  watch.  I  looked  acrost  at  Hogan.  Th' 
Goddess  iv  Chance  was  settin'  back  in  his  chair 
twirlin'  her  mustache.  Hogan  was  standin'  up,  an' 
his  face  wore  a  bright  green  flush  fr'm  th'  passion  iv 
play.  He  felt  in  his  vest-pocket,  an'  projooced  a 
collar  button  an'  a  pinch  iv  smokin'  tobacco.  '  How 
is  th'  system?'  says  I.  '  The  system  is  all  right,'  says 
he.  '  An'  how  ar-re  ye?'  says  I.  *  It's  a  fine,  star- 
light night,'  says  he.  '  Lave  us  walk  home,'  he  says. 

"  Don't  ye  suppose  they'se  anny  system  iv  gettin' 
their  money?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  They'se  on'y  wan,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"What's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  It's  called  th'  polis  system,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


AN    INTERNATIONAL   POLICE 
FORCE 


AN   INTERNATIONAL   POLICE 
FORCE 

"T  THOUGHT,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "that  whin 
me  young  frind  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya  got  up 
M_  that  there  Dutch  polis  coort  f'r  to  settle  th' 
backyard  quarr'ls  among  th'  nations  iv  th'  earth, 
'twud  be  th'  end  iv  war  f'r  good  an'  all.  It  looked  all 
right  to  me.  Why  not?  If  be  anny  chanst  I  get 
mesilf  full  iv  misconduck  an'  go  ar-round  thryin'  to 
collect  me  debts  with  a  gun,  an'  camp  out  in  some- 
body's house  an'  won't  lave,  th'  polis  take  me  down  to 
Deerin'  Sthreet  station  an'  throw  me  in  among  th' 
little  playmates  iv  th'  criminal,  an'  in  th'  mornin' 
I'm  befure  me  cousin  th'  chief  justice,  an'  he  con- 
fiscates th'  gun  an'  sinds  me  up  th'  bullyvard  f'r 
thirty  days.  Why  not  th'  same  thing  f'r  th'  powers 
whin  they  go  off  on  a  tear?  I  thought  I'd  be  readin' 
in  th'  pa-apers :  '  Judge  Oolenboff,  at  th'  Hague 
coort,  had  a  large  docket  yisterdah  mornin'.  Thirty 
mimbers  iv  th'  notoryous  Hapsburg  fam'ly  was  sint 
up  f'r  varyous  terms,  an'  th'  polis  think  they  have 
completely  broke  up  th'  gang.  Th'  King  iv  Spain 
was  charged  with  non-support,  but  was  dismissed 
with  a  warnin'.  Th'  Impror  iv  Chiny  was  let  off  with 
a  fine  f'r  maintainin'  a  dope  jint,  an'  warrants  was 
issued  f'r  th'  owners  iv  th'  primises,  the  King  of 
England  an'  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya.  Th'  Sultan  iv 
[161] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

Turkey,  alias  Hamid  th'  Hick,  alias  th'  Tumble 
Turk,  was  charged  with  poly-gamy.  Th'  coort  give 
him  th'  alternative  iv  five  more  wives  or  thirty  days. 
Whin  these  cases  had  been  cleared  away  th'  bailiff  led 
into  th'  dock  three  notoryous  charackters.  Th'  first 
was  a  large,  heavy-set  German,  who  proved  to  be 
Bill  th'  Bite,  less  known  by  his  thrue  name  iv  Willum 
H.  J.  E.  I.  K.  L.  M.  N.  O.  P.  Q.  R.  S.  T.,  etc.,  Ho- 
henzollern.  By  his  side  was  an  undhersized,  little 
dark  man,  th'  notoryous  Emilio  Casthro,  a  pro-fiss- 
yonal  deat-beat  an'  embizzler,  an'  a  stout  party  be  th' 
name  iv  Albert  Edward  or  Edwards,  who  is  said  be 
th'  internaytional  polis  to  be  behind  some  iv  th'  big- 
gest grafts  that  have  been  run  through  f'r  th'  last 
twinty  years,  though  niver  so  far  caught  with  th' 
goods  on.  Hohenzollern  was  accused  iv  assault  with 
intint  to  kill,  robbery,  blackmail,  carryin'  concealed 
weepins,  an'  raysistin'  an  officer.  Edward  or  Ed- 
wards was  charged  with  maintainin'  a  fence  f'r  ray- 
ceivin'  stolen  property  an'  carryin'  concealed  weep- 
ins. Casthro  was  charged  with  vagrancy,  maintain- 
in'  a  disordherly  house,  an'  fraud. 

"  '  Th'  attorney  f  r  th'  pro-secution  made  out  a 
sthrong  case  again'  th'  pris'ners.  He  said  that  Ho- 
henzollern was  a  desprit  charackter,  who  was  con- 
stantly a  menace  to  th'  peace  iv  th'  wurruld.  He  had 
no  sympathy  f'r  Casthro,  who  was  an  idle,  danger- 
ous ruffyan,  an'  he  hoped  th'  coort  wud  dale  severely 
with  him.  He  niver  paid  his  debts,  an'  none  iv  th' 
neighbors'  chickens  was  safe  fr'm  him.  He  was  a 
low-down,  worthless,  mischief-makin'  loafer.  But 
Casthro's  bad  charackter  did  not  excuse  th'  other 
pris'ners.  It  seems  that  Casthro,  who  niver  paid 
[162] 


An  International  Police  Force 

annybody  annything,  owed  a  bill  with  th'  well-known 
grocery  firm  iv  Schwartzheim  an'  Hicks,  which  he 
rayfused  to  settle.  Hearin'  iv  this,  Hohenzollern  an' 
Edward  or  Edwards  con-spired  together  to  go  to 
Casthro's  place  undher  pretinse  iv  collectin'  th'  bill 
an'  *  throw  Casthro  out  an'  take  possission  iv  his 
property.  Hohenzollern  was  th'  more  vilent  iv  th' 
pair.  He  appeared,  carryin'  loaded  revolvers,  which 
he  fired  into  th'  windows  iv  Casthro's  shop,  smashed 
in  th'  dure,  an'  endangered  th'  lives  iv  manny  inno- 
cint  people.  He  was  ar-rested  afther  a  sthruggle, 
in  which  he  severely  injured  wan  iv  th'  internaytional 
polis  foorce,  an'  was  carried  off  in  a  hurry-up  wagon. 
Edward  or  Edwards  was  caught  in  th'  neighborhood. 
He  pretinded  to  be  an  innocint  spectator,  but  whin 
sarched  was  found  to  have  loaded  revolvers  in  his 
pocket,  as  welj  as  an  addhress  to  th'  Christian  na- 
tions iv  th'  wurruld  justify  in'  his  conduck  an'  de- 
nouncin'  his  accomplice.  Casthro  was  taken  into  cus- 
tody on  gin'ral  principles.  Th'  prosecution  asked 
that  an  example  be  made  iv  th'  pris'ners. 

" 6  Afther  tistymony  had  been  inthrojooced  show- 
in'  th'  bad  charackter  iv  th'  men  in  th'  dock,  Hohen- 
zollern was  put  on  th'  stand  to  testify  in  his  own 
definse.  He  swore  that  he  had  no  inmity  again' 
Casthro,  but  Schwartzheim  iv  Schwartzheim  an' 
Hicks,  was  a  German  frind  iv  his,  an'  he  wint  down  to 
see  that  no  injustice  was  done  him.  "  Did  he  ask  ye 
to  go?"  ast  th'  coort.  "  No,"  says  th'  pris'ner,  «  but 
me  pristige  as  a  slugger  wud  be  in  danger  if  I 
didn't  go  over  an'  punch  this  here  little  naygur,"  he 
says.  "  Niver,  niver  shud  it  be  said  that  a  German 
citizen  sha'n't  be  able  to  collect  his  debts  annywhere 
[163] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

but  in  Germany,"  he  says.  "  Th'  mailed  fist,"  he 
says,  "  is  iver  raised  f'r  th'  protiction — "  "  No 
more  iv  that,"  says  th'  judge.  "  This  is  a  coort  iv 
law.  Hohenzollern,  ye're  a  dangerous  man.  Ye're 
noisy,  ritous,  an'  offinsive.  I'm  determined  to  make 
an  example  iv  ye,  an'  I  sjntince  ye  to  stay  in  Germany 
f'r  th'  rest  iv  ye'er  nachral  life,  an'  may  th'  Lord  have 
mercy  on  ye'er  sowl.  As  f'r  ye,  Edwards,  ye'er  even 
worse.  I  will  hold  ye  without  bail  ontil  th'  polis  can 
collect  all  their  ividence  again'  ye.  Casthro,  ye're 
discharged.  Th'  worst  thing  I  cud  think  iv  doin'  to 
ye  is  to  sind  ye  back  to  ye'er  beautiful  Vinzwala." 
Th'  pris'ner  Hohenzollern  made  a  dimonsthration 
while  bein'  raymoved  fr'm  th'  dock.  It  is  undher- 
stud  that  Edward  or  Edwards  has  offered  to  tell  all 
he  knows,  an'  promises  to  implicate  siv'ral  prominent 
parties.' 

"  That's  th'  way  I  thought  'twould  be.  Be  Hivins, 
Hinnissy,  I  looked  forward  to  th'  day  whin,  if  a  king, 
impror,  or  czar  started  a  rough-house,  th'  blue  'bus 
wud  come  clangin'  through  th'  sthreets  an'  they'd 
be  hauled  off  to  Holland  f'r  thrile.  I  looked  to  see 
th'  United  States  Sinit  pulled  ivry  month  or  two, 
an'  all  th'  officers  iv  th'  navy  fugitives  fr'm  justice. 
I  thought  th'  coort  wud  have  a  kind  iv  a  bridewell 
built,  where  they'd  sind  th'  internaytional  dhrunks 
an'  disordhlies,  an'  where  ye  cud  go  anny  day  an' 
see  Willum  Hohenzollern  cooperin*  a  bar'l,  an'  me 
frind  Joe  Chamberlain  peggin'  shoes,  while  gr-reat 
war  iditors,  corryspondints,  statesmen,  an'  other  dis- 
turbers iv  th'  peace  walked  around  in  lock-step,  an' 
th'  keeper  iv  th'  jail  showed  ye  a  book  filled  with 
photy grafts  iv  th'  mos'  notoryous  iv  thim :  '  Number 
[164] 


An  International  Police  Force 

two  thousan'  an'  wan,  Joe  Chamberlain,  profissional 
land-grabber,  five  years ' ;  or  '  Willum  Hohenzollern, 
all-round  ruffyan,  life.' 

"  That  wud  be  th'  fine  day  whin  th'  wagon 
wud  be  backed  up  in  fr-ront  iv  th'  parlymints 
iv  th'  wurruld  an'  th'  bull-pen  wud  be  full  iv 
internaytional  grafters,  get  -  rich  -  quick  op'rators, 
an'  sthrong-ar-rm  men;  whin  th'  Monroe  docthrine 
wud  be  condimned  as  a  public  nuisance,  an' 
South  America  wud  be  burned  undher  ordhers  iv 
th'  coort.  But  it  hasn't  come.  The  coort  is 
there  noddin'  over  th'  docket  jus'  like  a  coort, 
while  outside  th'  rowdies  ar-re  shootin'  at  each 
other,  holdin'  up  Chinymen  an'  naygurs,  pickin' 
pockets,  blowin'  safes,  an'  endangerin'  th'  lives  iv 
dacint  people.  They'se  a  warrant  out  f'r  Bill  Ho- 
henzollern, but  they'se  no  wan  to  sarve  it.  He's  on 
th'  rampage,  breakin'  windows  an'  chasin'  people 
over  th'  roofs,  while  Edward  or  Edwards  stands 
around  th'  corner  waitin'  f'r  th'  goods  to  be  delivered 
an'  savin'  his  ammunytion  to  use  it  on  his  pal  if  they 
quarrel  over  th'  divide.  There's  th'  internaytional 
coort,  ye  say,  but  I  say  where  ar-re  th'  polis?  A 
coort's  all  r-right  enough,  but  no  coort's  anny  good 
onless  it  is  backed  up  be  a  continted  constabulary, 
its  counthry's  pride,  as  th'  pote  says.  Th'  Czar  iv 
Rooshya  didn't  go  far  enough.  Wan  good  copper 
with  a  hickory  club  is  worth  all  th'  judges  between 
Amsterdam  an'  Rotterdam.  I  want  to  see  th'  day 
whin  just  as  Bill  Hohenzollern  an'  Edward  or  Ed- 
wards meets  on  th'  corner  an'  prepares  a  raid  on  a 
laundry  a  big  polisman  will  step  out  iv  a  dure  an' 
say :  '  I  want  ye,  Bill,  an'  ye  might  as  well  come  along 
[165] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

quiet.'  But  I  suppose  it  wud  be  just  th'  same  thing 
as  it  is  now  in  rale  life" 

"  How's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  All  th'  biggest  crooks  wud  get  on  th'  polis 
foorce,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 


OATS    AS    A    FOOD 


OATS     AS     A     FOOD 

"^T  ^T  THAT'S  a  breakfast    food?"   asked  Mr. 

%/%/     Hennessy. 

T     T  "It  depinds  on  who  ye  ar-re,"  said 

Mr.  Dooley.  "  In  ye're  case  it's  annything  to  ate 
that  ye're  not  goin'  to  have  f 'r  dinner  or  supper.  But 
in  th'  case  iv  th'  rest  iv  this  impeeryal  raypublic,  'tis 
th'  on'y  amusement  they  have.  'Tis  most  iv  th'  ad- 
vertisin'  in  th'  pa-apers.  'Tis  what  ye  see  on  th' 
bill-boords.  'Tis  th'  inspi-ration  iv  pothry  an'  art. 
In  a  wurrd,  it's  oats. 

"  I  wint  over  to  have  breakfast  New  Year's  morn- 
in'  at  Joyce's.  Th'  air  was  sharp,  an'  though  I'm 
not  much  given  to  reflectin'  on  vittles,  regardin'  thim 
more  as  a  meedjum  f'r  what  dhrink  I  take  with  thim 
thin  annything  else,  be  th'  time  I  got  to  th'  dure  I 
was  runnin'  over  in  me  mind  a  bill  iv  fare  an'  kind 
iv  wondhrin'  whether  I  wud  have  ham  an'  eggs  or 
liver  an'  bacon,  an'  hopin'  I  cud  have  both.  Well, 
we  set  down  at  the  table,  an'  I  tucked  me  napkin  into 
me  collar  so  that  I  wudden't  have  to  chase  it  down  in 
me  shoe  if  I  got  laughih'  at  annything  funny  durin' 
an  egg,  an'  squared  away.  '  Ar-re  ye  hungry  ?'  says 
Joyce.  '  Not  now,'  says  I.  *  I've  on'y  been  up  two 
hours,  an'  I  don't  think  I  cud  ate  more  thin  a  couple 
iv  kerosene-lamps  an'  a  bur-rd-cage,'  says  I.  '  But 
I'm  li'ble  to  be  hungry  in  a  few  minyits,  an',  says  I, 
[169] 


Dissertations    by  Mr.   Dooley 

'  p'raps  'twud  be  just  as  well  to  lock  up  th'  small 
childher,'  I  says,  *  where  they'll  be  safe,'  I  says,  think- 
in'  to  start  th'  breakfast  with  a  flow  iv  spirits,  though 
th'  rosy  Gawd  iv  Day  sildom  finds  me  much  betther 
natured  thin  a  mustard  plasther. 

"'What's  ye'er  fav'rite  breakfast  dish?'  says 
Joyce.  '  My  what?'  says  I.  4  Ye'er  fav'rite  break- 
fast dish?'  says  he.  *  Whativer  ye've  got,'  says  I,  not 
to  be  thrapped  into  givin'  me  suffrage  to  annything 
he  didn't  have  in  th'  house.  *  Anny  kind  iv  food,  so 
long  as  it's  hot  an'  hurrid.  Thank  Hiven  I  have  a 
mind  above  vittles,  an'  don't  know  half  th'  time  what 
I'm  atin','  says  I.  *  But  I  mane  prepared  food,'  says 
he.  '  I  like  it  fried,'  says  I ;  *  but  I  don't  mind  it 
broiled,  roasted,  stewed,  or  fricasseed.  In  a  minyit 
or  two  I'll  waive  th'  cookin'  an'  ate  it  off  th'  hoof,' 
I  says.  '  Well,'  says  he, '  me  fav'rite  is  Guff,'  he  says. 
*  P'raps  ye've  seen  th'  advertisemint :  "  Out  iv  th' 
house  wint  Luck  Joe;  Guff  was  th'  food  that  made 
him  go."  Mother  prefers  Almostfood,  a  scientific 
preparation  iv  burlaps.  I  used  to  take  Sawd  Ust, 
which  I  found  too  rich,  an'  later  I  had  a  peeroyd  iv 
Hungareen,  a  chimically  pure  dish,  made  iv  th'  ex- 
terryor  iv  bath  towels.  We  all  have  our  little  tastes 
an'  enthusyasms  in  th'  matther  iv  breakfast  foods, 
depindin'  on  what  pa-apers  we  read  an'  what  bill- 
boords  we've  seen  iv  late.  I  believe  Sunny  Jim  cud 
jump  higher  on  Guff  thin  on  Almostfood,  but  mother 
says  she  see  a  sign  down  on  Halsted  Sthreet  that  con- 
vinces her  she  has  th'  most  stimylatin'  tuck-in.  An- 
ny how,'  he  says,  *  I  take  gr-reat  pains  to  see  that 
nawthin'  is  sarved  f'r  breakfast  that  ain't  well  adver- 
tised an'  guaranteed  pure  fr'm  th'  facthry,  an'  put 
[170] 


Oats  as  a  Food 

up  in  blue  or  green  pa-aper  boxes,'  he  says.  *  Well,' 
says  I,  '  give  me  a  tub  iv  Guff,'  I  says.  *  I'll  close 
me  eyes  an'  think  iv  an  egg.' 

"  What  d'ye  suppose  they  give  me,  Hinnissy  ? 
Mush !  Mush,  be  Hivens !  '  What  kind  iv  mush  is 
this  ?'  says  I,  takin'  a  mouthful.  *  It  ain't  mush,'  says 
Joyce.  *  It's  a  kind  iv  scientific  oatmeal,'  says  he. 
'  Science,'  says  I,  '  has  exthracted  th'  meal.  Pass  th' 
ink,'  says  I.  'What  d'ye  want  ink  f'r?'  says  he. 
'  Who  iver  heerd  iv  atin'  blottin'  pa-aper  without 
ink  ?'  says  I.  '  Ate  it,'  says  he.  *  Give  me  me  hat,' 
I  says.  '  Where  ar-re  ye  goin'  ?'  he  says.  '  I  f 'rgot 
me  nose-bag,'  I  says.  *  I  can't  ate  this  off  a  plate. 
Give  it  to  me  an'  I'll  harness  mesilf  up  in  Gavin's 
buggy,  have  mesilf  hitched  to  a  post  in  front  iv  th' 
city  hall,  an'  injye  me  breakfast,'  I  says.  'Ye  have 
a  delightful  home  here,'  says  I.  '  Some  day  I'm 
goin'  to  ask  ye  to  take  me  up  in  th'  kitchen  an'  lave 
me  fork  down  some  hay  f'r  th'  childher.  But  now  I 
must  lave  ye  to  ye'er  prepared  oats,'  I  says.  An'  I 
wint  out  to  Mulligan's  resthrant  an'  wrapped  mesilf 
around  buckwheat  cakes  an'  sausages  till  th'  cook 
got  buckwheat  cake-makers'-paralysis. 

"  I  don't  know  how  people  come  to  have  this  mad 
passion  f'r  oats.  Whin  I  was  a  boy  they  was  on'y 
et  be  horses,  an'  good  horses  rayfused  thim.  But 
some  wan  discovered  that  th'  more  ye  did  to  oats  th' 
less  they  tasted,  an'  that  th'  less  annything  tastes  th' 
betther  food  it  is  f'r  th'  race.  So  all  over  th'  coun- 
thry  countless  machines  is  at  wurruk  removin'  th' 
flavor  fr'm  oats  an'  turnin'  thim  into  breakfast  food. 
Breakfast  food  is  all  ye  see  in  th'  cars  an'  on  th'  bill- 
boords.  In  th'  small  cities  it's  th' principal  spoort  iv  th' 

" 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooiey 

people.  Where  childher  wanst  looked  on  th'  boords  to 
see  whin  th'  minsthrel  show  was  comin'  to  town,  they 
now  watch  f'r  th'  announcement  iv  th'  new  breakfast 
food.  Hogan  tol'  me  he  was  out  in  Decatur  th'  other 
day  an'  they  was  eighty-siven  kinds  iv  oats  on  th' 
bill  iv  fare.  6  Is  they  anny thing  goin'  on  in  this 
town  ?'  he  ast  a  dhrummer.  '  Nawthing'  ontil  th' 
eighth,  whin  Oatoono  opens,'  says  th'  man.  People 
talk  about  breakfast  food  as  they  used  to  talk  about 
bicycles.  They  compare  an'  they  thrade.  A  man 
with  th'  1906  model  iv  high-gear  oats  is  th'  invy  iv 
th'  neighborhood.  All  th'  saw-mills  has  been  turned 
into  breakfast-food  facthries,  an'  th'  rip-saw  has 
took  th'  place  iv  th'  miller. 

"  Does  it  do  anny  harm,  says  ye  ?  Ne'er  a  bit.  A 
counthry  that's  goin'  to  be  kilt  be  food  is  on  its  last 
legs,  annyhow.  Ivry  race  has  its  pecoolyarity. 
With  th'  Rooshyans  it's  '  Pass  th'  tallow  candles  ' ; 
with  th'  Chinese  a  plate  iv  rice  an'  a  shark's  fin.  Th' 
German  sets  down  to  a  breakfast  iv  viggy table  soup, 
Hungaryan  goolash,  an'  beer.  Th'  Frinchman  is 
satisfied  with  a  rose  in  his  buttonhole  an'  tin  minyits 
at  th'  pianny.  An  Irishman  gets  sthrong  on  pota- 
toes, an'  an  Englishman  dilicate  on  a  sound  break- 
fast iv  roast  beef,  ham,  mutton  pie,  eggs,  bacon,  an' 
'alf-an'-'alf .  Th'  docthors  bothers  us  too  much  about 
what  we  put  into  that  mighty  tough  ol'  man-iv-all- 
wurruk,  th'  human  stomach.  Hiven  sint  most  iv  us 
good  digistions,  but  th'  doctors  won't  let  thim 
wurruk.  Th'  sthrongest  race  iv  rough-an'-tumble 
Americans  that  iver  robbed  a  neighbor  was  raised 
on  pie.  I'm  f'r  pie  mesilf  at  anny  time  an'  at  all 
meals.  If  food  makes  anny  difference  to  people,  how 
[172] 


Oats  as  a  Food 

do  I  know  that  all  our  boasted  prosperity  ain't  based 
on  pie?  Says  I,  lave  well  enough  alone.  It  may  be 
that  if  we  sarched  f'r  th'  corner-stone  iv  American 
liberty  an'  pro-gress,  we'd  find  it  was  apple-pie  with 
a  piece  iv  toasted  cheese. 

"  People  don't  have  anny  throuble  with  their  di- 
gistions  fr'm  atin'.  'Tis  thinkin'  makes  dyspepsy; 
worryin'  about  th'  rent  is  twinty  times  worse  f'r  a 
man's  stomach  thin  plum-puddin'.  What's  worse  still, 
is  worryin'  about  digistion.  Whin  a  man  gets  to 
doin'  that  all  th'  oats  between  here  an'  Council  Bluffs 
won't  save  him." 

"  Joyce  tells  me  his  breakfast  food  has  made  him 
as  sthrong  as  a  horse,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"It  ought  to,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Him  an'  a 
horse  have  th'  same  food." 


THE     CARNEGIE     LIBRARIES 


THE     CARNEGIE     LIBRARIES 

"T   "W~AS  Andhrew  Camay gie  given    ye  a  libry 

I 1     yet?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

JL  X  "Not  that  I  know  iv,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  He  will,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Ye'll  not  escape 
him.  Befure  he  dies  he  hopes  to  crowd  a  libry  on 
ivry  man,  woman,  an'  child  in  th'  counthry.  He's 
given  thim  to  cities,  towns,  villages,  an'  whistlin' 
stations.  They're  tear  in'  down  gas-houses  an'  poor- 
houses  to  put  up  libries.  Befure  another  year,  ivry 
house  in  Pittsburg  that  ain't  a  blast-furnace  will  be 
a  Carnaygie  libry.  In  some  places  all  th'  buildin's 
is  libries.  If  ye  write  him  f'r  an  auty graft  he  sinds 
ye  a  libry.  No  beggar  is  iver  turned  impty-handed 
fr'm  th'  dure.  Th'  pan-handler  knocks  an'  asts  f'r 
a  glass  iv  milk  an'  a  roll.  '  No,  sir,'  says  Andhrew 
Carnaygie.  '  I  will  not  pauperize  this  onworthy 
man.  Nawthin'  is  worse  f'r  a  beggar-man  thin  to 
make  a  pauper  iv  him.  Yet  it  shall  not  be  said  iv  me 
that  I  give  nawthin'  to  th'  poor.  Saunders,  give  him 
a  libry,  an'  if  he  still  insists  on  a  roll  tell  him  to  roll 
th'  libry.  F'r  I'm  humorous  as  well  as  wise,'  he  says." 

"  Does  he  give  th'  books  that  go  with  it?"  asked 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Books?"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  What  ar-re  ye 
talkin'  about?  D'ye  know  what  a  libry  is?  I  sup- 
[177] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

pose  ye  think  it's  a  place  where  a  man  can  go,  haul 
down  wan  iv  his  fav'rite  authors  fr'm  th'  shelf,  an' 
take  a  nap  in  it.  That's  not  a  Carnaygie  libry.  A 
Camay gie  libry  is  a  large,  brown-stone,  impenethrible 
buildin'  with  th'  name  iv  th'  maker  blown  on  th' 
dure.  Libry,  fr'm  th'  Greek  wurruds,  libus,  a  book, 
an'  ary,  sildom, — sildom  a  book.  A  Carnaygie  libry 
is  archytechoor,  not  lithrachoor.  Lithrachoor  will 
be  riprisinted.  Th'  most  cillybrated  dead  authors 
will  be  honored  be  havin'  their  names  painted  on  th' 
wall  in  distinguished  comp'ny,  as  thus:  Andhrew 
Carnaygie,  Shakespeare ;  Andhrew  Carnaygie,  By- 
ron; Andhrew  Carnaygie,  Bobby  Burns;  Andhrew 
Carnaygie,  an'  so  on.  Ivry  author  is  guaranteed  a 
place  next  to  pure  readin'  matther  like  a  bakin'- 
powdher  advertisemint,  so  that  whin  a  man  comes 
along  that  niver  heerd  iv  Shakespeare  he'll  know  he 
was  somebody,  because  there  he  is  on  th'  wall.  That's 
th'  dead  authors.  Th'  live  authors  will  stand  outside 
an'  wish  they  were  dead. 

"  He's  havin'  gr-reat  spoort  with  it.  I  r-read  his 
speech  th'  other  day,  whin  he  laid  th'  corner-stone 
iv  th'  libry  at  Pianola,  loway.  Th'  entire  popyla- 
tion  iv  this  lithry  cinter  gathered  to  see  an'  hear  him. 
There  was  th'  postmaster  an'  his  wife,  th'  blacksmith 
an'  his  fam'ly,  the  station  agent,  mine  host  iv  th' 
Farmers'  Exchange,  an'  some  sthray  live  stock. 
*  Ladies  an'  gintlemen,'  says  he.  *  Modesty  compels 
me  to  say  nawthin'  on  this  occasion,  but  I  am  not  to 
be  bulldozed,'  he  says.  *  I  can't  tell  ye  how  much 
pleasure  I  take  in  disthributin'  monymints  to  th' 
humble  name  around  which  has  gathered  so  manny 
hon'rable  associations  with  mesilf.  I  have  been  a 
[178] 


The  Carnegie  Libraries 

very  busy  little  man  all  me  life,  but  I  like  hard 
wurruk,  an'  givin'  away  me  money  is  th'  hardest 
wurruk  I  iver  did.  It  fairly  makes  me  teeth  ache  to 
part  with  it.  But  there's  wan  consolation.  I  cheer 
mesilf  with  th'  thought  that  no  matther  how  much 
money  I  give  it  don't  do  anny  particular  person  anny 
good.  Th'  worst  thing  ye  can  do  f 'r  anny  man  is  to  do 
him  good.  I  pass  by  th'  organ-grinder  on  th'  corner 
with  a  savage  glare.  I  bate  th'  monkey  on  th'  head 
whin  he  comes  up  smilin'  to  me  window,  an'  hurl  him 
down  on  his  impecyoonyous  owner.  None  iv  me  money 
goes  into  th'  little  tin  cup.  I  cud  kick  a  hospital,  an'  I 
lave  Wall  Sthreet  to  look  afther  th'  widow  an'  th' 
orphan.  Th'  submerged  tenth,  thim  that  can't  get 
hold  iv  a  good  chunk  iv  th'  goods,  I  wud  cut  off  fr'm 
th'  rest  iv  th'  wurruld  an'  prevint  fr'm  bearin'  th' 
haughty  name  iv  papa  or  th'  still  lovelier  name  iv 
ma.  So  far  I've  got  on'y  half  me  wish  in  this 
matther. 

"  *  I  don't  want  poverty  an'  crime  to  go  on.  I  in- 
tind  to  stop  it.  But  how?  It's  been  holdin'  its  own 
f'r  cinchries.  Some  iv  th'  gr-reatest  iv  former  minds 
has  undertook  to  prevint  it  an'  has  failed.  They 
didn't  know  how.  Modesty  wud  prevint  me  agin  fr'm 
sayin'  that  I  know  how,  but  that's  nayether  here 
nor  there.  I  do.  Th'  way  to  abolish  poverty  an' 
bust  crime  is  to  put  up  a  brown-stone  buildin'  in  ivry 
town  in  th'  counthry  with  me  name  over  it.  That's 
th'  way.  I  suppose  th'  raison  it  wasn't  thried  befure 
was  that  no  man  iver  had  such  a  name.  'Tis  thrue 
me  efforts  is  not  apprecyated  ivrywhere.  I  offer  a 
city  a  libry,  an'  oftentimes  it  replies  an'  asks  me  f'r 
something  to  pay  off  th'  school  debt.  I  rayceive  de- 
[179] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

i 

graded  pettyshuns  fr'm  so-called  proud  methropo- 
lises  f 'r  a  gas-house  in  place  iv  a  libry.  I  pass  thim 
by  with  scorn.  All  I  ask  iv  a  city  in  rayturn  f'r  a 
fifty-thousan'-dollar  libry  is  that  it  shall  raise  wan 
millyon  dollars  to  maintain  th'  buildin'  an'  keep  me 
name  shiny,  an'  if  it  won't  do  that  much  f'r  lithra- 
choor, th'  divvle  take  it,  it's  pnworthy  iv  th'  name  iv 
an  American  city.  What  ivry  community  needs  is 
taxes  an'  lithrachoor.  I  give  thim  both.  Three 
cheers  f'r  a  libry  an'  a  bonded  debt!  Lithrachoor, 
taxation,  an'  Andhrew  Carnaygie,  wan  an'  insiprable, 
now  an'  foriver!  They'se  nawthin'  so  good  as  a 
good  book.  It's  betther  thin  food;  it's  betther  thin 
money.  I  have  made  money  an'  books,  an'  I  like  me 
books  betther  thin  me  money.  Others  don't,  but  I  do. 
With  these  few  wurruds  I  will  con-elude.  Modesty 
wud  prevint  me  fr'm  sayin'  more,  but  I  have  to  catch 
a  thrain,  an'  cannot  go  on.  I  stake  ye  to  this  libry, 
which  ye  will  have  as  soon  as  ye  raise  th'  money  to 
keep  it  goin'.  Stock  it  with  useful  readin',  an' 
some  day  ye're  otherwise  pauper  an'  criminal  chil- 
dher  will  come  to  know  me  name  whin  I  am  gone  an' 
there's  no  wan  left  to  tell  it  thim.' 

"  Whin  th'  historyan  comes  to  write  th'  histhry 
iv  th'  West  he'll  say :  *  Pianola,  loway,  was  a  prosper- 
ous town  till  th'  failure  iv  th'  corn  crop  in  nineteen 
hundherd  an'  wan,  an'  th'  Carnaygie  libry  in  nineteen 
hundherd  an'  two.  Th'  govermint  ast  f'r  thirty  dol- 
lars to  pave  Main  Sthreet  with  wooden  blocks,  but 
th'  gr-reat  philanthropist  was  firm,  an'  the  libry  was 
sawed  off  on  th'  town.  Th'  public  schools,  th'  wurruk- 
house,  th'  wather  wurruks,  an'  th'  other  penal  insti- 
choochions  was  at  wanst  closed,  an'  th'  people  begun 
[180] 


The  Carnegie  Libraries 

to  wurruk  to  support  th'  libry.  In  five  years  th' 
popylation  had  deserted  th'  town  to  escape  taxation, 
an'  now,  as  Mr.  Carnaygie  promised,  poverty  an' 
crime  has  been  abolished  in  th'  place,  th'  janitor  iv 
th'  buildin'  bein'  honest  an'  well  paid.' 

"  Isn't  it  good  f 'r  lithrachoor,  says  ye  ?  Sure,  I 
think  not,  Hinnissy.  Libries  niver  encouraged  lith- 
rachoor anny  more  thin  tombstones  encourage  livin'. 
No  wan  iver  wrote  annythin'  because  he  was  tol'  that 
a  hundherd  years  f  r'm  now  his  books  might  be  taken 
down  f  r'm  a  shelf  in  a  granite  sepulcher  an'  some  wan 
wud  write  4  Good  'or  *  This  man  is  crazy '  in  th' 
margin.  What  lithrachoor  needs  is  fillin'  food.  If 
Andhrew  wud  put  a  kitchen  in  th'  libries  an'  build 
some  bunks  or  even  swing  a  few  hammocks  where 
livin'  authors  cud  crawl  in  at  night  an'  sleep  while 
waitin'  f'r  this  enlightened  nation  to  wake  up  an' 
discover  th'  Shakespeares  now  on  th'  turf,  he  wud 
be  givin'  a  rale  boost  to  lithrachoor.  With  th' 
smoke  curlin'  fr'm  th'  chimbley,  an'  hundherds  iv 
potes  settin'  aroun'  a  table  loaded  down  with  pan- 
cakes an'  talkin'  pothry  an'  prize-fightin',  with  hun- 
dherds iv  other  potes  stacked  up  nately  in  th'  sleep- 
in'-rooms  an'  snorin'  in  wan  gran'  chorus,  with  their 
wives  holdin'  down  good-pay  in'  jobs  as  library  ans  or 
cooks,  an'  their  happy  little  childher  playin'  through 
th'  marble  corrydors,  Andhrew  Carnaygie  wud  not 
have  lived  in  vain.  Maybe  that's  th'  on'y  way  he 
knows  how  to  live.  I  don't  believe  in  libries.  They 
pauperize  lithrachoor.  I'm  f'r  helpin'  th'  boys  that's 
now  on  th'  job.  I  know  a  pote  in  Halsted  Sthreet 
that  wanst  wrote  a  pome  beginnin',  c  All  th'  wealth 
iv  Ind,'  that  he  sold  to  a  magazine  f'r  two  dollars, 
[181] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

payable  on  publycation.  Lithrachoor  don't  need  ad- 
vancin'.  What  it  needs  is  advances  f 'r  th'  lithra- 
choors.  Ye  can't  shake  down  posterity  f'r  th'  price. 

"  All  th'  same,  I  like  Andhrew  Camay gie.  Him 
an'  me  ar-re  agreed  on  that  point.  '  I  like  him  be- 
cause he  ain't  shamed  to  give  publicly.  Ye  don't 
find  him  puttin'  on  false  whiskers  an'  turnin'  up  his 
coat-collar  whin  he  goes  out  to  be  benivolent.  No, 
sir.  Ivry  time  he  dhrops  a  dollar  it  makes  a  noise 
like  a  waither  fallin'  down-stairs  with  a  tray  iv 
dishes.  He's  givin'  th'  way  we'd  all  like  to  give.  I 
niver  put  annything  in  th'  poor-box,  but  I  wud  if 
Father  Kelly  wud  rig  up  like  wan  iv  thim  slot- 
machines,  so  that  whin  I  stuck  in  a  nickel  me  name  wud 
appear  over  th'  altar  in  red  letthers.  But  whin  I  put 
a  dollar  in  th'  plate  I  get  back  about  two  yards  an' 
hurl  it  so  hard  that  th'  good  man  turns  around  to  see 
who  done  it.  Do  good  be  stealth,  says  I,  but  see  that 
th'  burglar-alarm  is  set.  Anny  benivolent  money  I 
hand  out  I  want  to  talk  about  me.  Him  that  giveth 
to  th'  poor,  they  say,  lindeth  to  th'  Lord ;  but  in  these 
days  we  look  f'r  quick  returns  on  our  invistmints.  I 
like  Andhrew  Carnaygie,  an',  as  he  says,  he  puts  his 
whole  soul  into  th'  wurruk." 

"  What's  he  mane  be  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  He  manes,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  that  he's  gin'rous. 
Ivry  time  he  gives  a  libry  he  gives  himsilf  away  in  a 
speech." 


THE     RACE    QUESTION 


THE     RACE     QUESTION 

"T"T"  THAT    ar-re   we    goin'   to   do   about  th' 
%/%/     coons?"  asked  Mr.  Dooley. 

T     T  "  What  ought  we  to  do  about  thim?" 

asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  We've  got  to  do  somethin',"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Somethin's  got  to  be  done.  Whin  I  was  a  young 
man  I  raymimber  hearin'  people  talk  iv  boostin'  th' 
naygur  up  fr'm  his  lowly  place  as  an  unforchnit 
slave  an'  humorist  an'  makin'  him  as  good  as  anny- 
body  an'  betther  thin  a  German  be  givin'  him  a  vote. 
I  didn't  believe  it,  because  I  was  a  Dimmycrat  an' 
didn't  believe  annything  but  Stephen  A.  Douglas. 
But  they  used  to  say  it  jus'  th'  same,  an'  if  ye  didn't 
say  it,  too,  it  was  down  to  Camp  Douglas  with  ye 
be  th'  back  iv  th'  neck  as  a  pris'ner  iv  war.  Th' 
Dimmycrats  knew  that  a  naygur  with  a  vote  wudden't 
be  a  Willum  Shakespeare.  It  wudden't  take  anny 
iv  th'  dusk  out  iv  his  cheeks  to  sind  him  down  to  th' 
liv'ry  stable  an'  lave  him  stick  an  impeeryal  ballot 
that  he  cudden't  r-read  into  a  box  with  a  false  bot- 
tom. Can  th'  camel  change  his  hump?  as  Hogan  wud 
say.  A  naygur  with  a  vote  is  a  naygur  with  a  vote, 
an'  that's  all  he  is.  Th'  Dimmycrats  knew  that  forty 
years  ago.  Histhry  always  vindicates  th'  Dimmy- 
crats, but  niver  in  their  lifetime.  They  see  th' 
[185] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.   Doolcy 

thruth  first,  but  th'  throuble  is  that  nawthin'  is  iver 
officially  thrue  till  a  Raypublican  sees  it. 

"  Th'  naygur  ain't  anny  betther  off  thin  he  was. 
Nobody  is.  But  nearly  ivrybody  ixpicted,  afther 
th'  war,  that  his  locks  wud  become  goolden  at  wanst 
an'  that  he  wud  soon  get  a  Roman  nose.  But  here 
he  is  to-day,  lookin'  just  as  he  did  forty  year  ago. 
He  ain't  got  anny  more  money,  he  ain't  anny  lighter 
in  complexion,  an'  I  sometimes  doubt  whether  he's 
anny  happyer  thin  he  was  whin  they  was  takin'  his 
darlin'  Nelly  Grey  away  fr'm  him,  an'  he'd  niver  see 
her  more  till  they  met  in  th'  Jim  Crow  siction  iv 
hiven.  Down  in  th'  merry,  chivalrous  Southland 
no  basket  picnic  is  complete  onless  a  naygur  is  de- 
pindin'  fr'm  th'  shrubbery.  .  Up  here,  in  this  free 
North  iv  ours,  where  th'  wurruds  iv  Windell  Phillips 
is  still  soundin'  in  th'  air,  we  don't  see  anny  naygurs 
marryin'  into  our  ladin'  fam'lies.  We  welcome  him 
as  our  akel  in  all  rayspicts,  but  none  iv  our  consarva- 
tive  prize-fighters  will  put  on  th'  gloves  with  him. 

"  So  I  say  somethin's  got  to  be  done  f 'r  him,  but 
what  it  is  I  dinnaw.  Tiddy  Rosenfelt's  idee  is  to 
glad-hand  him  up  to  a  higher  plane.  All  ye've  got 
to  do  to  make  him  th'  akel  iv  his  white  brother  is  to 
give  him  a  job  an'  have  him  up  to  th'  White  House 
Pr  dinner.  '  Preparations  is  bein'  made  f'r  th'  din- 
ner to  th9  Royal  Knights  iv  th'  Ordher  iv  Oryental 
Splendher  iv  Pazazas,  whose  prisidint  is  th'  Hon'rable 
Egregious  Cass,  iv  Allybama.  A  wagon-load  iv  pul- 
lets an'  hams  was  delivered  yisterdah  at  th'  White 
House.  Th'  dinner  will  be  followed  be  a  musical,  at 
which  th'  Prisidint  an'  Sinitor  Lodge  will  sing  a  duet. 
Both  statesmen  will  black  up  in  honor  iv  th' 
[186] 


The  Race  Question 

comp'ny.'  *  Th'  Prisidint  has  appinted  Hon'rable 
Lucullus  Buffins,  th'  well-known  naygur  orator,  to 
be  marshal  at  Pianola,  Miss.  Frinds  iv  th'  fam'ly 
ar-re  kindly  rayquisted  to  omit  flowers.'  '  Imme- 
jately  on  rayceivin'  his  commission  as  postmasther  iv 
Ozaloo,  Louisyany,  th'  Hon'rable  ^Japolyon  Bliggs, 
th'  cillybrated  naygur  aggytator,  took  th'  night 
thrain  to  th'  North.  In  spite  iv  th'  lateness  iv  th' 
hour,  a  large  number  iv  Misther  Bliggs's  fellow-citi- 
zens escorted  him  to  th'  thrain.  They  wud  not  per- 
mit him  to  walk,  but  insisted  on  carryin'  him  on  a 
two-be-four  restin'  on  their  shouldhers.  Misther 
Bliggs  expicts  to  spind  some  time  in  th'  North,  when 
he  will  consult  a  prom'nent  surgeon  an'  have  th' 
feathers  exthracted.' 

"  But  th'  throuble  with  this  here  plan  is  that  th' 
higher  ye  boost  th'  naygur  be  askin'  him  up  to  th' 
White  House,  th'  farther  he  has  to  fall  whin  he  gets 
about  two  blocks  south  iv  th'  White  House.  Wan  iv 
our  dusky  fellow-citizens  comes  out  fr'm  a  meal  with 
th'  Prisidint  an'  cake-walks  to  a  car.  He  is  not  puffed 
up  with  th'  rayciption.  Not  at  all.  Th'  av'rage 
chest  measuremint  iv  a  colored  gintleman  who  has  had 
three  or  four  fish-balls  with  th'  Prisidint  is  rarely  over 
wan  hundherd  an'  eighty  inches.  So  he  modestly 
sthruts  over  to  a  car,  takes  a  seat,  puts  his  feet  in 
th'  lap  iv  th'  lady  acrost  fr'm  him,  an'  says  in  a 
diferinchal  yell  to  a  Confidrate  colonel  nex'  to  him: 
'  White  pusson,  give  this  here  frind  iv  th'  Prisidint 
a  light  fr'm  ye'er  see-gar.'  An'  whin  he  comes  to  his 
leg  is  on  fire. 

"  Me  frinds  down  South  don't  believe  in  this  way 
iv  ilivatin'  th'  coon.  They  have  ways  iv  their  own. 
'3  [1871 


Dissertations   by  Mr.  Dooley 

They  think  a  naygur  ought  to  be  improved  slowly. 
Th'  slower  th'  betther.  I  was  r-readin'  a  speech  be 
wan  iv  thim  th'  other  day.  He  was  consarvative  on 
th'  question.  Like  all  Southern  men,  he  admitted 
that  something  was  to  be  said  on  both  sides.  He  did 
not  boast  iv  his  siction  iv  fch'  counthry.  A  thrue 
Southerner  niver  does.  It  wud  ill  become  him  to  sug- 
gest that  th'  South  is  annything  more  thin  th'  fair- 
est spot  on  Gawd's  footstool,  inhabited  be  th'  bravest 
men,  th'  loveliest  an'  mos'  varchous  women,  th'  mos' 
toothsome  an'  encouragin'  booze,  an'  th'  fastest 
ponies  in  th'  wurruld.  Let  others  tell  iv  th'  beauties 
iv  th'  South.  Ye  will  not  dhraw  th'  tale  fr'm  th'  lips 
iv  a  Southern  man.  Even  in  his  cups  he  scorns  to 
give  more  thin  three  cheers  a  minyit  f'r  th'  gloryous 
State  iv  Mississippi.  A  Matsachoosetts  man  will  hit 
ye  over  th'  head  with  a  codfish  if  ye  don't  say  that 
Matsachoosetts  is  th'  mos'  noble  jool  in  th'  bright 
girdle  on  th'  brow  iv  Columbia.  Ye  can't  go  into  a 
barroom  without  seein'  a  man  sthandin'  on  a  table  an' 
yellin'  f'r  New  Hampshire.  Eight  or  nine  bartinders 
was  shot  las'  year  f'r  rayf usin'  to  sing : '  I  Was  bor-rn 
in  ol'  Ohio,  where  th'  dhrinkin'-wather's  blue.'  But  a 
Southern  man  is  rayluctant  to  speak  iv  his  home. 
He  laves  it  speak  f'r  itself,  an'  if  ye  don't  listen  he 
merely  nudges  ye  in  th'  ribs  familyarly  with  a  knife. 
"  So  this  here  repristintive  iv  th'  culture  an'  civvy- 
lization  iv  th'  South  begun  his  speech  with  a  cautious 
allusion  to  th'  well-known  fact  that  th'  South  is  th' 
bravest,  th'  freest,  th'  sunniest,  th'  mos'  intellechool 
region  iv  th'  counthry,  peopled  be  th'  most  chivalrous 
men  an'  th'  sweetest  women  that  th'  green  light  iv 
hiven  iver  shown  down  upon,  where  th'  latch-sthring 
[188] 


The  Race  Question 

is  always  out  to  welcome  sthrangers  to  a  hospital 
cheer,  an'  no  wan  is  touchy  about  his  r-right  s. 

"  He  wint  on  fr'm  this  here  bald  statemint  iv  fact  to 
say :  '  Th'  thruth  iv  th'  matther  is  there  is  no  race 
question.  Th'  toast  iv  th'  even  in'  is  th'  Day  We  Cilly- 
brate,  or  Th'  Ladies,  Gawd  Bless  Thim,  or  th'  Pen 
is  Mightier  thin  th'  Soord,  but  I  feel  bound  at  this 
moment  to  addhress  a  few  wurruds  to  th'  race  ques- 
tion, iv  which  there  is  none,  but  it  is  th'  wan  ques- 
tion that  confronts  th'  nation  to-day.  We  have  in 
th'  White  House  a  man  who,  if  he  iver  comes  South 
iv  Mason  and  Dixon's  line,  will  be  subjicted  to  indig- 
nity worthy  iv  his  office.  I  yield  to  no  man  in  admi- 
ration iv  th'  office  iv  prisidint  iv  this  united  counthry 
— united,  but  ye  can  see  where  th'  seam  was.  But 
I  will  say  that  if  this  rag-time  prisidint  iver  ventures 
into  Ogalochee  County,  th'  finest  county  in  th'  noblest 
State  iv  th'  fair  diadem  iv  th'  raypublic,  he  wants 
to  look  out  or  some  wan  will  insult  him. 

"  *  Th'  race  question  upon  which  I  did  not  mean  to 
speak,  but  will,  can  niver  be  settled  until  it  is  settled 
r-right.  Th'  r-right  way  to  settle  it  is  to  lave  it  where 
it  is.  We  give  th'  naygur  ivry  r-right  guaranteed  be 
th'  Constichoochion.  We  permit  him  to  vote,  only  de- 
mandin'  that  he  shall  prove  that  his  father  an' 
mother  were  white.  We  let  him  perform  th'  arjoos 
manyul  labor  iv  our  fair  land.  We  bury  him  or 
gather  him  as  soovenirs.  What  more  can  be  asked? 
But  we  insist  that  though  this  happy  fellow-citizen 
may  pass  us  our  vittles,  he  shall  not  fork  out  our 
stamps.  To  this  ivry  intilligence  iv  th'  South  that 
can  be  seen  sunnin'  itsilf  on  th'  deepo  platform  stands 
committed.  In  th'  sunny  Southland  we  bow  to  public 
[189] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

opinyon,  be  it  iver  so  noisy.  Th'  naygur  question 
with  us  is  a  burnin'  question,  an'  so  it  will  always  be. 
Th'  Prisidint  iv  these  United  States  mus'  know  that 
we  will  defind  white  supreemacy  to  th'  last  dhrop  iv 
their  blood.  I  wish  to  discuss  this  question  dispash- 
nately,  an'  I  say  that  I  am  in  favor  iv  lavin'  it  to  th' 
cold  light  iv  raison.  An'  I  thurly  endorse  th'  propo- 
sition to  fire  a  few  eggs  at  th'  Prisidint  whin  he  comes 
South,  an'  approve  iv  th'  round-robin  sint  be  those 
blue-blooded  Southern  ladies  who  ar-re  graftin'  f  r 
a  church  fair  in  Texas,  to  tell  th'  ladies  iv  th'  White 
House  that  they  ar-re  no  ladies.' 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  There's  th'  nay- 
gur, with  his  vote  an'  a  meal  tickit  to  th'  White  House 
in  his  hand,  an'  he's  no  betther  off  thin  he  was  whin  I 
was  opposin'  his  ilivation  on  const ichoochual  groun's, 
an'  because  I  niver  liked  a  naygur,  annyhow." 

"What's  th'  throuble?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Th'  throuble  is,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "that  th' 
naygurs  iv  th'  North  have  lived  too  long  among  th' 
white  people,  an'  th'  white  people  iv  th'  South  have 
lived  too  long  among  th'  naygurs." 


SENATORIAL     COURTESY 


SEN AT OKI  AL    COURTESY 

"  "TTT'S  a  question  iv  Sinitoryal  courtesy.  What's 
that?  Well,  Hinnissy,  ye  see,  there  ain't  anny 

M  rules  in  th'  Sinit.  Ivrybody  gets  up  whin  he 
wants  to,  an'  hollers  about  annything  that  comes  into 
his  head.  Whin  Dorgan  was  in  Wash'nton  he  wint 
to  hear  th'  debate  on  th'  naval  bill,  an'  a  Sinitor  was 
r-readin'  the  Life  iv  Napolyon  to  another  Sinitor  who 
was  asleep. 

"  Sinitoryal  courtesy  rules  th'  body.  If  ye  let 
me  talk  I'll  let  ye  sleep.  Th'  presidin'  officer 
can't  come  down  with  his  hammer  an'  bid  wan  iv  thim 
vin'rable  men,  grim  with  thraditions,  to  chase  himsilf 
fr'm  th'  flure.  In  such  a  case  it  wud  be  parlymin- 
thry  f'r  th'  grim  Sinitor  to  heave  an  ink-well  at  th' 
presidin'  officer.  Undher  Sinitoryal  courtesy  it  is 
proper  an'  even  affable  to  call  a  fellow-Sinitor  a 
liar.  It  is  th'  hith  iv  courtesy  to  rush  over  an'  push 
his  cigar  down  his  throat,  to  take  him  be  th'  hair  an' 
dhrag  him  around  th'  room,  or  to  slap  him  in  th'  eye 
on  account  iv  a  difference  iv  opinyon  about  collectors 
iv  intarnal  rivinue.  Southern  Sinitors  have  been 
known  to  use  a  small  case-knife  in  a  conthrovarsy. 
It  is  etiket  to  take  off  ye'er  boots  in  th'  heat  iv  debate. 
It  is  courteous  f'r  a  Sinitor  to  go  to  sleep  an'  swal- 
low his  teeth  while  another  Sinitor  is  makin'  a  speech. 
But  wanst  a  Sinitor  is  on  his  feet  it  is  th'  hith  iv 
[193] 


Dissertations    by  Mr*  Dooley 

misbehavior  to  stop  him  excipt  f'r  th'  purpose  iv 
givin'  him  a  poke  in  th'  nose.  Afther  a  rough-an'- 
tumble  fight,  th'  Sinitor  who  previously  had  the  flure 
can  get  up  fr'm  it  if  able  an'  raysume  his  specta- 
cles, his  wig,  an'  his  speech.  But  while  he  has  wan 
syllable  left  in  his  face  he  is  th'  monarch  iv  all  he 
surveys. 

"  No  rules  f'r  thim  ol'  boys.  Ye  can  say  annything 
again'  thim,  but  if  ye  attack  that  palajeem  iv  our 
liberties,  th'  sacred  right  to  drool,  they  rally  at 
wanst.  Me  frind  Sinitor  Morgan  knew  this,  an' 
says  he :  *  Gintlemen,  they'se  a  bill  here  I  don't  want 
to  see  passed.  It's  a  mischeevous,  foul,  criminal  bill. 
I  didn't  inthrajooce  it.  I  don't  wish  to  obsthruct  it. 
If  anny  wan  says  I  do,  Sinitoryal  courtesy  will  com- 
pel me  to  jam  th'  libel  down  his  throat  with  a  stove- 
lifter.  I  will  on'y  make  a  speech  about  it.  In  th' 
year  fourteen  hundherd  an'  two — '  An'  so  he  goes 
on.  He's  been  talkin'  iver  since,  an'  he's  on'y  got 
down  to  th'  sixteenth  cinchry,  where  th'  question 
broadens  out.  No  wan  can  stop  him.  Th'  air  is  full 
iv  his  wurruds.  Sinitors  lave  Wash'nton  an'  go  home 
an'  spind  a  week  with  th'  fam'ly  an'  come  back,  an' 
that  grim  ol'  vethran  is  still  there,  poorin'  out  moist 
an'  numerous  language.  They'se  no  raison  why  he 
shouldn't  talk  f  river.  I  hope  he  will.  I  don't  care 
whether  he  does  or  not.  I  haven't  a  frind  in  th'  Sinit. 
As  f'r  th'  Pannyma  Canal,  'tis  thirty  to  wan  I'll 
niver  take  a  ride  on  it.  But  that's  Sinitoryal 
courtesy." 

"  What's  to  be  done  about  it?"  asked  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"  What  do  I  do  whin  ye  an'  ye'er  aged  frinds 
[194] 


Senatorial  Courtesy 

stay  here  whin  ye  ought  to  be  home?"  asked  Mr. 
Dooley. 

"  Ye  tur-rn  out  th'  gas,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  An'  that's  what  I'd  do  with  th'  Sinit,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley. 


THE    CANDIDATE 


THE     CANDIDATE 

"  "TT  SEE,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  that  the  Dimmy- 
I  crats  have  gr-reat  confidence." 
i.  "They  have,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  « Th' 
Dimmycrats  have  gr-reat  confidence,  th'  Raypublicans 
ar-re  sure,  th'  Popylists  are  hopeful,  th'  Prohybition- 
ists  look  f'r  a  landslide  or  a  flood,  or  whativer  you 
may  call  a  Prohybition  victhry,  an'  th'  Socylists  think 
this  may  be  their  year.  That's  what  makes  pollytics 
th'  gr-reat  game  an'  th'  on'y  wan  to  dhrive  dull  care 
away.  It's  a  game  iv  hope,  iv  jolly-y e'er-neighbor,  a 
confidence  game.  If  ye  get  a  bad  hand  at  poker  ye 
lay  it  down.  But  if  ye  get  a  bad  hand  at  pollytics 
ye  bet  ye'er  pair  iv  deuces  as  blithe  as  an  English- 
man who  has  jus'  lamed  th'  game  out  iv  th'  spoortin' 
columns  iv'  th'  London  Times.  If  ye  don't  win  fair 
ye  may  win  foul.  If  ye  don't  win  ye  may  tie  an'  get 
th'  money  in  th'  confusion.  If  it  wasn't  such  a  game 
wud  there  be  Dimmycrats  in  Vermont,  Raypublicans 
in  Texas,  an'  Prohybitionists  in  the  stock-yards  ward? 
Ivry  year  men  crawl  out  iv  th'  hospitals,  where 
they've  been  since  last  iliction  day,  to  vote  th'  Ray- 
publican  ticket  in  Mississippi.  There's  no  record  iv 
it,  but  it's  a  fact.  To-day  th'  Dimmycrats  will  on'y 
concede  Vermont,  Maine,  an'  Pennsylvania  to  th'  Ray- 
publicans,  an'  th'  Raypublicans  concede  Texas,  Ally- 
bammy,  an'  Mississippi  to  th'  Dimmycrats.  But  it's 
[199] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

arly  yet.  Wait  awhile.  Th'  wurruk  iv  th'  campaign 
has  not  begun.  Both  sides  is  inclined  to  be  pessimis- 
tic. Th'  consarvative  business  man  who  thinks  that 
if  a  little  money  cud  be  placed  in  Yazoo  City  th' 
prejudice  again'  th'  Raypublicans,  which  is  on'y  skin- 
deep  annyhow,  cud  be  removed,  hasn't  turned  up  at 
headquarters.  About  th'  middle  iv  October  th'  Ray- 
publican  who  concedes  Texas  to  th'  Dimmycrats  will 
be  dhrummed  out  iv  th'  party  as  a  thraitor,  an'  ye'll 
hear  that  th'  Dimmycratic  party  in  Maine  is  so 
cheered  be  th'  prospects  that  his  frinds  can't  keep 
him  sober. 

"  Th'  life  iv  a  candydate  is  th'  happiest  there  is. 
If  I  want  annythin'  pleasant  said  about  me  I  have  to 
say  it  mesilf .  There's  a  hundherd  thousan'  freemen 
ready  to  say  it  to  a  candydate,  an'  say  it  sthrong. 
They  ask  nawthin'  in  rayturn  that  will  require  a 
civil-service  examination.  He  starts  in  with  a  pretty 
good  opinyon  iv  himsilf,  based  on  what  his  mother 
said  iv  him  as  a  baby,  but  be  th'  time  he's  heerd  th' 
first  speech  iv  congratulation  he  begins  to  think  he 
had  a  cold  an'  indiff'rent  parent.  Ninety  per  cint. 
iv  th'  people  who  come  to  see  him  tell  him  he's  th' 
mos'  pop'lar  thing  that  iver  was,  an'  will  carry  th' 
counthry  like  a  tidal  wave.  He  don't  let  th'  others 
in.  If  annybody  says  annything  about  him  less 
frindly  thin  Jacob  Riis  he  know's  he  either  a  sorehead 
or  is  in  th'  pay  iv  th'  other  campaign  comity.  Child- 
her  an'  dogs  ar-re  named  afther  him,  pretty  women 
an5  some  iv  th'  other  kind  thry  to  kiss  him,  an'  th' 
newspapers  publish  pitchers  iv  him  as  he  sets  in  his 
libry,  with  his  brow  wrinkled  in  thought  iv  how  fine 
a  man  he  is.  Th'  opposition  pa-apers  don't  get  up 
[200] 


The  Candidate 

to  th'  house,  an'  he  niver  sees  himsilf  with  a  face  like 
Sharkey  or  reads  that  th'  reason  he  takes  a  bath  in 
th'  Hudson  is  because  he  is  too  stingy  to  buy  a  bath- 
tub f 'r  th'  house  an'  prefers  to  sponge  on  th'  gr-reat 
highway  belongin'  to  th'  people. 

"  If  he  hasn't  done  much  to  speak  iv,  his  frinds 
rayport  his  small  but  handsome  varchues.  He  niver 
punched  his  wife,  he  sinds  his  boys  to  school,  he  loves 
his  counthry,  he  shaves  with  a  safety  razor.  A  man 
expicts  to  be  ilicted  Prisidint  iv  th'  United  States, 
Hinnissy,  f'r  th'  fine  qualities  that  th'  r-rest  iv  us 
use  on'y  to  keep  out  iv  th'  pinitinchry.  All  th'  time 
th'  rayports  fr'm  th'  counthry  become  more  an'  more 
glowin'.  Th'  tidal  wave  is  risin',  an'  soon  will  amount 
to  a  landslide.  Victhry  is  perched  upon  our  banners, 
and  has  sint  f'r  th'  family.  F'r  th'  Dimmycrat  candy- 
date  th'  most  glowin'  rayports  iv  gains  come  fr'm 
New  England,  where  there  is  always  most  room  f'r 
Dimmycratic  gains.  F'r  th'  Ray  publicans,  th'  news 
fr'm  th'  Southwest  is  so  cheerin'  as  to  be  almost  in- 
credible, or  quite  so.  But  iliction  day  comes  at  last. 
Th'  people  iv  this  gr-reat  counthry  gather  at  th' 
varyous  temples  iv  liberty  in  barber-shops  an'  liv'ry 
stables  an'  indicate  their  choice  iv  evils.  A  gr-reat 
hush  falls  on  th'  land  as  th'  public  pours  out  iv  th' 
side  dure  iv  th'  saloons  an'  reverently  gathers  at  th' 
newspaper  offices  to  await  with  bated  breath  th' 
thrillin'  news  fr'm  th'  first  precinct  iv  the  foorth 
ward  iv  Sheboygan,  Wis.  An'  thin  again  we  hear 
th'  old  but  niver  tiresome  story :  Texas  give  a  Dimmy- 
crat majority  iv  five  hundred  thousan',  but  will  re- 
open th'  polls  if  more  is  nicessry ;  th'  Dimmycrats 
hope,  if  th'  prisint  ratio  is  maintained,  th'  Raypubli- 
[201] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*   Doolcy 

can  victhry  in  Pinnsylvanya  will  not  be  unanimous. 
An'  wan  candydate  rayceives  six  million  votes  an'  is 
overwhelmingly  defeated,  an'  th'  other  rayceives  five 
millyon  nine  hundherd  thousan'  and  is  triumphantly 
ilicted.  An'  there  ye  ar-re. 

"  Why,  Hinnissy,  wanst  whin  I  was  in  pollytics, 
me  an'  Willum  O'Brien  put  up  a  German  be  th'  name 
iv  Smeerkase,  or  some  such  name,  f'r  alderman  f'r 
th'  fun  iv  th'  thing.  It  was  a  gr-reat  joke,  an'  even 
th'  Dutchman  knew  it.  But  befure  he'd  been  nom- 
mynated  two  weeks  he  begun  to  take  it  seeryous. 
*  They'se  a  good  dale  iv  dissatisfaction  in  th'  ward 
with  th'  prisint  aldherman,'  says  he,  '  an'  ye  know 
I've  lived  here  a  long  time,  an'  I'm  popylar  with  th' 
boys.  Sthranger  things  have  happened  thin  if  this 
joke  was  to  turn  out  thrue.'  '  Well,'  says  I,  *  if  ye're 
ilicted  I  want  ye  to  make  me  uncle  Mike  chief  iv 
polis.  He's  licked  thim  all,  an'  he  raaly  holds  th' 
job  ex-propria  vigore,  as  th'  Supreme  Coort  wud 
say,'  says  I.  4  Sure  I  will,'  says  Smeerkase.  Well, 
he  come  into  me  place  ivry  day  to  tell  me  how  his 
campaign  was  gettin'  on.  He  had  assurances  fr'm 
more  people  thin  there  were  in  th'  ward  that  they'd 
vote  f'r  him.  He  had  his  pitcher  took  an'  hung  on 
th'  tilly graft  poles.  He  hired  a  man  to  write  his 
obichury  fr'm  th'  time  he  took  his  first  glass  iv  beer 
as  a  baby  to  th'  moment  whin  th'  indignant  citizens 
iv  th'  sixth  ward  arose  an'  demanded  that  they  shud 
crowd  their  suffrage  on  him.  That  meant  me  an' 
O'Brien,  d'ye  mind?  He  got  up  a  mass-meeting,  with 
bands  an'  calceem-lights,  an'  th'  hall  was  crowded 
while  he  talked  not  on'y  broken  but,  be  Hivins,  pool- 
verized  English  on  th'  issues  iv  th'  day. 


The  Candidate 

"  Well,  Hinnissy,  ye  know  'tis  not  on'y  th'  candy- 
date  himsilf  that's  confident,  it's  ivrybody  around 
him.  An'  befure  th'  iliction  come  I  begun  to  think 
that  maybe  me  frind  did  have  a  chance,  so  I  wint 
around  to  see  him.  He  was  disthributin'  th'  spendin' 
money  f'r  th'  polls,  an'  I  had  to  fight  me  way  in. 
'  Glad  to  see  ye,  Misther  Dooley,'  says  he.  *  I  wanted 
to  tell  ye  that  I'm  sorry  I  can't  appint  ye'er  uncle 
chief  iv  polis.  I've  inquired  into  his  charackter,'  says 
he,  *  an'  'tis  not  up  to  th'  standard.  Besides,'  he  says, 
'  I've  promised  th'  job  to  th'  Amalgamated  Union  iv 
Can  Openers,  who  ar-re  with  me  to  a  man.'  c  Ar-re  ye 
that  sure  ye're  goin'  to  be  ilicted  that  ye've  already 
broken  ye'er  ante-iliction  promises?'  says  I.  *  My, 
but  it's  you  that  ar-re  th'  hurried  statesman.'  *  It's 
over,*  says  he.  *  I've  ordhered  th'  flowers  f'r  me 
desk  in  th'  council.'  *  Make  mine  a  gates-ajar,'  says 
I,  an'  wint  my  way. 

"  How  manny  votes  did  he  get?  Eight.  That  was 
th'  amount.  *  Where  did  he  get  thim  ?'  says  I  to 
O'Brien.  *  They  were  some  we  cudden't  use,'  says 
he.  *  They  belonged  to  a  Bohaymian  in  th'  fourth 
precint,  but  I  give  thim  to  Smeerkase.  He's  a  good 
fellow,'  says  he. 

14 


WAR 


WAR 

"  *^T  II  TAR  is  a  fine  thing.  Or,  perhaps  I'm 
%/%/  wrong.  Annyhow,  it's  a  sthrange  thing. 
T  V  Here's  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya,  an'  here's 
th'  Imp'ror  iv  Japan.  They  have  a  difference  iv 
opinyon.  All  right,  says  I,  lave  thim  fight  it  out. 
It's  a  good,  healthful  exercise.  I'll  arrange  th'  pre- 
liminaries, fix  th'  polis,  an'  be  Hivens,  I'll  ref'ree  th' 
fight.  I  make  th'  offer  now.  Anny  time  anny  two 
high-spirited  monarchs  feel  that  their  rile  blood 
threatens  to  blow  up  I'll  arrange  ivrything  down  to 
th'  photy grafts.  Whiniver  th'  boys  are  ready  I'll  find 
th'  barn.  An'  th'  offer  also  goes  f'r  sicrities  iv  state. 

"But  what  happens?  A  couple  iv  stout,  middle- 
aged  gintlemen  get  into  a  conthrovarsy.  Instead  iv 
layin'  their  stove-pipe  hats  on  th'  table  an'  mixin' 
it  up,  they  hurry  home  an'  invite  ivrybody  in  th' 
house  to  go  out  an'  do  their  war-makin'  f'r  thim. 
They  set  up  on  th'  roof  an'  encourage  th'  scrap. 
'  Go  in  there,  Olaf !'  <  Banzai,  Hip  Lung,  ye're  doin' 
well  f'r  me !'  '  There  goes  wan  iv  me  brave  fellows. 
I'd  almost  send  somethin'  to  his  widow  if  I  cud  larn 
her  name !' 

"An'    so   it   goes.      Bill   Ivanovitch   is   settin'   at 

home  with  his  wife   an'   forty   small   childher.      He 

has   done   a   good   day's   wurruk,   an'   his   salary   iv 

nine  cents  is  jinglin'  in  his  pocket.     He  sets  at  th' 

[207] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

head  iv  th'  table  carvin'  th'  candle,  an'  just  as  he  has 
disthributed  th'  portions  among  th'  fam'ly  an'  kep' 
th'  wick  f 'r  himsilf ,  there's  a  knock  at  th'  dure  an'  a 
man  in  a  fur  cap  calls  him  away  to  thravel  eight 
thousan'  versts — a  verst  bein'  Schwartzmeister's  way 
iv  describin'  a  mile  on  a  Rooshyan  railroad — an'  fight 
f'r  Gawd  an'  his  czar. 

"It's  th'  ol'  firm.  Whiniver  I'm  called  on 
to  fight  f'r  Gawd  an'  me  counthry  I'd  like  to 
be  sure  that  th'  senyor  partner  had  been  con- 
sulted. But  Bill  Ivanovitch  puts  on  his  coat,  kisses 
th'  fam'ly  good-by,  an'  th'  next  his  wife  sees  iv  him  is 
a  pitcher  iv  th'  old  man  an'  a  Jap  he  niver  met  befure 
locked  in  an  endurin'  embrace,  an'  both  iv  thim  as 
dead  as  anny  Mikado  or  Czar  cud  wish  their  most  lile 
subjick.  Th'  Jap  don't  know  what  it's  all  about. 
In  Japan  he  was  a  horse.  There  ar-re  no  rale  horses 
in  Japan.  If  there  were  th'  people  wud  have  more  to 
eat.  So  th'  citizens  iv  th'  counthry  harness  thimsilves 
up  an'  haul  th'  wagons.  All  ye  have  to  say  to  a  Jap 
is  '  Get  ap,'  an'  he  moves.  So  th'  Mikado  says,  '  Get 
ap,'  an'  th'  little  fellow  laves  his  fireside  an'  his 
wives  an'  fam'lies  an'  niver  comes  home  no  more.  Th' 
best  he  gets  whin  he  is  kilt  is  a  remark  in  th'  news 
fr'm  Tokyo  that  Gin'ral  Odzoo's  plans  is  wurrukin' 
fav'rably.  That  ought  to  make  him  feel  good. 

"  Now,  if  I  had  me  way,  Hinnissy,  I  wudden't  let 
th'  common  people  fight  at  all.  That's  th'  way  it 
used  to  be.  Whin  wan  iv  th'  old  kings  in  Brian 
Boru's  day  had  a  spat  with  a  neighbor  both  of  thim 
ordhered  hats  at  th'  hardware  store  an'  wint  out  an' 
pounded  thim  till  their  head  ached.  That's  th'  way 
it  ought  to  be.  Supposin'  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya  an' 
[208] 


War 

th'  Mikado  iv  Japan  fell  out.  What  wud  be  da- 
cinter  f'r  thim  thin  to  have  a  gintlemanly  mix-up? 
Nick  Romanoff,  th'  Rooshyan  champeen,  an'  Mike 
Adoo,  th'  cillybrated  Jap'nese  jiu-jitsu  bantam,  come 
together  las'  night  befure  a  crowd  iv  riprisintative 
spoorts  in  a  barn  on  th'  outskirts  iv  th'  city.  Th' 
Rooshyan  was  seconded  be  Faure,  th'  Frinch  light- 
weight, an'  Bill  Honezollern,  th'  Prooshyan  whirl- 
wind. In  th'  Jap's  corner  was  Al  Guelph,  who  bate 
th'  Llama  iv  Thibet  las'  week,  an'  Rosenfelt,  th' 
American  champeen,  who  has  issued  a  defi  to  th' 
wurruld.  Befure  th'  gong  sounded  th'  Jap  rushed 
over  an'  sthruck  th'  Rooshyan  a  heavy  blow  beneath 
th'  belt.  A  claim  iv  foul  was  enthered  but  not  al- 
lowed. At  th'  tap  iv  th'  gong  both  boys  wint  at  it 
hammer  an'  tongs,  but  it  was  soon  apparent  that  th' 
Rooshyan,  though  heavier,  was  not  in  as  good  condi- 
tion as  his  opponent.  It  was  Walcott  an'  Choynski 
all  over,  on'y  th'  Rooshyan  hung  on  with  gr-reat 
courage.  At  th'  end  iv  th'  twentieth  round,  whin  both 
boys  were  on  th'  ropes,  th'  ref'ree,  th'  well-known 
fight  promoter,  Misther  Rothschild,  declared  th'  bout 
a  dhraw.  Considherable  bad  blood  was  aroused  be  a 
claim  be  th'  fighters  that  durin'  th'  battle  they  were 
robbed  iv  their  clothes  be  their  seconds.  As  a  finan- 
cial entherprise,  th'  fight  was  a  frost.  Th'  box-office 
receipts  did  not  akel  th'  rent  iv  th'  barn  an'  thrainin' 
expinses,  an'  th'  ref'ree  decided  that  as  th'  fight  was 
a  dhraw  he  was  entitled  to  th'  stakes. 

"Wudden't  it  be  fine?     Who  wudden't  walk  to 

Bloomington,  Illinye,  to  see  that  sturdy  but  prudent 

warryor,  th'  King  iv  England,  mixin'  it  up  with  th' 

Llama  iv  Thibet,  or  our  own  invincible  champeen  tak- 

[209] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

in'  on  th'  Imp'ror  iv  Germany?  If  they  didn't  like  th' 
weepins  they'd  have  me  permission  to  use  axes.  I'd 
go  further.  I  wudden't  bar  annybody  fr'm  fightin' 
who  wanted  to  fight.  If  annybody  felt  th'  martial 
spirit  in  time  he  wud  have  a  chance  to  use  it  up.  I'd 
have  armies  composed  on'y  iv  officers.  It  wud  be 
gr-reat.  D'ye  s'pose  they'd  iver  get  near  enough  to 
each  other  to  hurt?  They'd  complain  that  th' 
throuble  with  th'  long-distance  guns  was  that  they 
cudden't  be  made  distant  enough.  Supposin'  Gin'ral 
Kurypotkin  had  to  do  all  th'  fightin'  f'r  himsilf .  It 
wud  be  betther  f'r  him,  because  thin  he  cud  ordher 
an  advance  without  bein'  so  crowded  comin'  back. 
Supposin',  to  gratify  his  heeryoic  spirit,  he  had  to 
ordher  himsilf  to  carry  a  thrunk,  a  cook-stove,  a 
shovel,  a  pickaxe,  an  ikon,  an'  a  wurrud  iv  good  cheer 
fr'm  th'  czar  two  hundherd  miles  over  a  clay  road, 
an'  if  he  did  it  successfully  an'  didn't  spill  annything 
he  might  hope  to  be  punctured  be  a  bayonet.  An' 
s'pose  Gin'ral  Oyama  had  to  walk  barefooted  acrost 
Manchuria  an'  subsist  f'r  four  months  be  whettin'  his 
beak  on  a  cuttle-fish  bone.  How  soon,  d'ye  think, 
there  wud  be  a  battle?  War  wud  be  wan  continyous 
manoover,  with  wan  iv  thim  manooverin'  west  an'  th' 
other  manooverin'  east.  They'd  niver  meet  till  years 
afther  th'  gloryous  sthruggle" 

"  They'll  niver  do  it,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  There 
have  always  been  wars." 

"  An'  fools,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"But  wudden't  ye  defind  ye'er  own  fireside?" 

"  I  don't  need  to,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  If  I  keep 
on  coal  enough,  me  fireside  will  make  it  too  hot  f'r 
anny  wan  that  invades  it," 


THE    "ANGLO-SAXON" 
TRIUMPH 


THE     "ANGLO-SAXON" 
TRIUMPH 


"TIT  TELL,    sir,"    said     Mr.    Dooley,    "I'm 

%/%/  happy  to  see  how  glad  ivrybody  is 
T  T  about  what  happened  to  ye  a  week  ago 
last  Choosdah." 

"Much  I  care  what  they  think,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"  Well,  it's  a  gr-reat  consolation  in  bereavement," 
said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  to  know  that  ye'er  sorrow  is  a 
soorce  iv  joy  to  others.  All  th'  wurruld  is  glad  ye 
got  it  where  ye  did.  Th'  czar  turned  a  summersault 
whin  he  heerd  th'  news.  Th'  King  of  Italy  has  not 
got  home  since  iliction  night.  Th'  Prisidint  iv 
France  called  on  Gin'ral  Porther  an'  kissed  him  f  r 
th'  Prisidint.  Th'  Prisidint  iv  Colombia  illuminated 
th'  official  palace  an'  tillygrafted  askin'  if  there  was 
annything  Prisidint  Rosenfelt  cud  do  to  him  that 
hadn't  been  done.  Th'  German  Imp'ror  sat  down  an' 
wrote  th'  f ollowin'  cable :  6  Congratylations  on  ye'er 
iliction  as  kaiser  iv  th'  well-born  American  people. 
May  ye'er  reign  be  long  an'  happy.  Toum  felix  fas- 
tumque  barazza,'  which  is  Latin  f'r  *  Why  can't  we 
be  f  rinds?' 

"  But  th'  most  enthusyastic  enthusyasm  was  in 
England.  On  hearin'  th'  glad  news  on  th'  Saturdah 
followin'  th'  iliction,  th'  king  sint  f  r  Ambassadure 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

Choate,  who  came  as  fast  as  his  hands  an'  knees  wud 
carry  him.  Arrivin'  at  Buckin'ham  Palace,  his  ma- 
jesty gracyously  extinded  his  foot  an  ordhered  him  to 
convey  his  thanks  to  his  lile  subjicks  acrost  th'  sea. 
Th'  English  pa-apers  almost  wint  crazy  with  ap- 
proval. Says  wan  iv  thim :  *  Thaydoor  Rosenfelt 
is  not  a  statesman  in  th'  English  sinse.  He  wud  not 
compare  with  our  Chamberlains  or  aven  Markses.  He 
is  of  more  vulgar  type.  Judged  be  th'  English 
standards,  he  is  a  coorse  an'  oncultivated  man.  But 
in  America  he  stands  high  f'r  good  taste  an'  larnin'. 
He  regards  his  iliction  as  a  .great  triumph  f'r  th' 
Anglo-Saxon  race.' 

"  So  ye  see,  Hinnissy,  'twas  th'  Anglo-Saxon  vote 
that  did  it.  I  see  now  what  th'  Prisidint  was  up  to 
whin  he  sint  f'r  Cassidy  iv  th'  Clan-na-Gael.  Th' 
Clan-na-Gael  is  wan  iv  th'  sthrongest  Anglo-Saxon 
organyzations  we  have.  It's  whole  purpose  is  to 
improve  Anglo-Saxon  civilyzation  be  ilivatin'  it. 
There's  on'y  wan  way  to  do  it,  an'  that's  th'  way  they 
do.  Th'  raison  Cassidy  an'  Kelly  an'  Murphy  an' 
Burke  an'  Shea  an'  all  th'  boys  up  an'  down  th' 
sthreet  voted  f'r  Rosenfelt  was  because  they  ar-re 
Anglo-Saxons.  Th'  A.  O.  H.,  which,  iv  coorse,  ye 
know,  manes  All  OP  H'Englishmen,  was  f'r  Rosenfelt 
f'r  th'  same  raison.  So  it  was  with  th'  Anglo-Saxon 
turnvereins  an'  sangerfests.  Me  frind  Schwartz- 
meister  down  th'  sthreet  voted  f'r  Rosenfelt  because 
iv  his  sthrong  feelin'  in  favor  iv  cimintin'  th'  alliance 
between  th'  two  nations.  An'  he  was  ilicted,  I  hear. 

"  I  wondher  how  he'll  threat  th'  Anglo-Saxon  f r'm 
now  on.  Pm  proud  iv  bein'  a  mimber  iv  that  gr-reat 
race,  now  that  me  attintion  has  been  called  to  it. 
[214] 


The  " Anglo-Saxon"  Triumph 

Gawd  bless  Anglo-Saxony,  says  I,  with  all  me  heart. 
It  has  made  us  a  free  count hry.  But  in  handin' 
around  th'  medals  afther  th'  victhry,  I  fain  wud  see 
a  few  pinned  to  manly  coats  that  were  not  made  in 
Bond  Sthreet.  Give  all  th'  branches  iv  that  noble 
herd  a  chance. 

"  But  this  is  th'  way  it  usually  goes :  About  a  year 
befure  iliction  a  man  be  th'  name  iv  Sheehan  or  Sul- 
livan or  Casey  makes  up  his  mind  that  it's  about  time 
to  think  iv  nommynatin'  somebody  f 'r  th'  prisidincy. 
He  looks  around  him,  an'  havin'  wanst  run  acrost  a 
fellow  in  th'  legislachure  fr'm  down  th'  State  some- 
where that  niver  made  a  speech,  he  jumps  aboord  a 
thrain  an'  tears  off  f'r  th'  counthry.  Afther  some 
hours  he  finds  a  man  that  can  steer  him  to  th'  home 
iv  th'  people's  choice,  Judge  Silas  Higgins.  Th* 
judge  rayceives  him  in  th'  barn  on  account  iv  th' 
fam'ly,  an'  accepts  th'  call  fr'm  th'  people.  He's 
surprised  he  hadn't  heerd  it  befure.  Casey  says  th' 
counthry  is  fairly  ringin'  with  it.  Casey  comes  back 
to  town,  an'  takes  off  his  coat  an'  goes  to  wurruk. 
He  argues  an'  pleads  an'  palavers  an'  punches  to- 
gether a  majority  iv  votes,  in  th'  maintime  keepin' 
Judge  Higgins  chained  down  at  home  an*  feedin' 
him  fr'm  time  to  time  with  canned  principles. 

"  Th'  judge  is  nommynated,  an'  makes  a  whirlwind 
campaign.  He  supplies  th'  wind  an'  Casey  supplies  th' 
whirl.  Ivrybody  takes  a  kick  at  Casey.  Th'  oppo- 
sition pa-apers  ar-re  in  favor  iv  hangin'  him.  Th' 
pa-apers  iv  his  own  party  lament  that  th'  campaign 
shud  be  in  th'  hands  iv  such  a  man  whin  there  are 
such  pathrites  as  Perkins  an'  Sanderson,  who  ought 
to  be  at  headquarthers.  They  are  at  headquarthers, 
[215] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

on'y  th'  pa-apers  don't  know  it.  They  ar-re  at  head- 
quarthers,  an'  Casey  is  rehearsin'  thim  in  their 
speeches  an'  showin'  thim  where  to  mark  their  ballots. 

"  On  iliction  day  Casey  fixes  it  up  with  his  f  rind 
Mulligan  in  New  York,  O'Brien  in  Saint  Looey, 
Mulcahy  in  Boston,  O'Shay  in  Hartford,  Butler  in 
Buffalo,  Doherty  in  San  Francisco,  Dorney  in  New 
Orleans,  Hinnissy  in  Columbus,  Sullivan  in  Chicago, 
an  McGann  in  Keokuk,  an'  Judge  Higgins  is  tri- 
umphantly ilicted.  Th'  mornin'  afther  iliction  Casey 
larns  that  th'  raysult  is  looked  upon  as  a  triumph  f 'r 
an  Anglo-Saxon  policy.  He  don't  shout  himsilf  hoarse 
over  that  because  his  on'y  acquaintance  with  an 
Anglo-Saxon  policy  was  whin  his  fam'y  was  dhriven 
out  iv  th'  County  Kerry  be  a  bailiff  with  an  Anglo- 
Saxon  bludgeon,  but  he  goes  over  to  see  th'  judge. 

"  '  Well,  Casey,'  says  he, '  I  done  very  well,'  he  says. 
6  Ye  did,  f 'r  a  fact,'  says  Casey.  6  It  was  a  gr-reat 
triumph  f'r  me,'  says  th'  judge.  *  I  think  what 
knocked  thim  was  me  last  speech  in  Hoboken.'  *  It 
was  a  gr-reat  vote-getter,'  says  Casey.  *  Well,'  says 
th'  judge,  *  I  can't  spare  ye  anny  more  time  to-day, 
me  humble  frind,'  he  says.  *  I'm  busy  makin'  up  me 
cab'net,'  he  says.  *  I  have  decided  to  appint  th' 
Hon'rable  Peabody  Perkins,  iv  th'  District  iv  Colum- 
bia, sicrity  iv  state.  He  is  partic'larly  fitted  f'r  th' 
place,  havin'  spint  all  but  th'  last  six  weeks  iv  his 
life  in  England.  His  appintmint  is  endoorsed  be  th' 
London  Times.  I  have  also,'  he  says,  *  offered  th' 
job  iv  sicrity  iv  th*  inteeryor  to  th'  Hon'rable  Pon- 
sonby  Sanderson.  He  is  th'  high  chief  guy  in  th' 
Lile  Orange  Lodge,  an'  will  know  jus'  how  to  handle 
th'  public-school  question,'  he  says.  '  Thank  ye,' 
[216] 


The  "Anglo-Saxon"  Triumph 

says  Casey.  *  I  have  th'  names  iv  a  few  fellows  that 
have  wurruked  hard,  an'  I'd  like  to  find  places  f'r 
thim,'  he  says.  '  My  man,'  says  th'  judge,  *  d'ye 
realize  that  ye  ar-re  talkin'  to  th'  prisidint-elect  iv 
these  United  States,'  he  says.  *  If  I  did  not  feel  kind- 
ly to'rd  ye  f'r  ye'er  arnest,  if  sometimes  misguided, 
efforts  in  me  behalf,  I  wud  have  ye  raymoved  be  th' 
durekeeper,'  he  says.  '  As  it  is,'  he  says,  '  ye  can 
sind  th'  applications  iv  ye'er  frinds  to  th'  clerk  iv 
th'  civil  service  commission,  who  has  charge  iv  th' 
day  laborers,'  he  says. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  Why  do  boys  go  to  Har- 
vard an'  Yale?  Is  it  because  iv  Eliot  an'  Hadley, 
or  because  iv  Hurley  an'  Hogan?  I  read  th'  ac- 
counts iv  th'  futball  game.  Th'  line-up  was  as  fol- 
lows: Hogan,  Rafferty,  Murphy,  McGuire,  Hurley, 
Cooney,  Shevlin,  Muldoon,  Cassidy,  Peabody,  Van 
Renseller.  Afther  fifteen  minyits  Peabody  retired. 
At  th'  end  iv  twinty  minyits  Van  Renseller  was  called 
out  be  his  ma.  Flaherty  an'  Hinnissy  in.  Hogan 
through  guard.  Murphy  pushes  McGuire  through 
tackle.  Cooney  slams  Saltonstall  on  th'  groun'  an' 
breaks  his  back.  Shevlin  throws  Witherspoon  over 
th'  fence.  An'  so  on  till  me  eyes  fill  with  tears,  an'  I 
have  dhreams  iv  invadin'  Canada  with  an  ar-rmy  iv 
young  Anglo-Saxon  futball  scholars  fr'm  Kerry  an' 
th'  County  Mayo.  An'  that  night  Prisidint  Hadley 
or  Prisidint  Eliot  makes  an  addhress  at  th'  king's 
birthday  dinner,  an'  rejoices  in  our  inthrest  in  An- 
glo-Saxon spoorts,  an'  congratylates  th'  wurruld 
that  hereafther  if  England  has  a  war  we  will  have  a 
chance  to  do  most  iv  th'  fightin'  an'  pay  half  th' 
money. 

[217] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

"  I  wondher  why  it  is !  I  suppose  it's  because  we 
like  th'  game  more  thin  th'  rewards.  Wan  iv  th' 
Anglo-Saxons  who  helped  ilict  Rosenfelt  las'  Choos- 
dah  wud  give  up  his  job  rather  thin  be  a  pollytician, 
an'  I  suppose  Hogan  is  thinkin'  all  through  th'  game 
that  it's  th'  Prince  iv  Wales  he  has  again'  him  on  th' 
opposin'  line." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "if  I  thought  this 
was  an  Anglo-Saxon  victhry  I  wud  niver  have  voted 
th'  way  I  did." 

"  What !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Dooley.  "  An'  did  you, 
too?  Well,  be  Hivens,  if  it  hadn't  been  f'r  me  it 
wud  have  been  unanimous." 


CORPORAL    PUNISHMENT 


CORPORAL    PUNISHMENT 

"  T  SEE,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  that  th'   Prisidint 

is  plannin'  an  attack  on  th'  good  old  English 

JL.  custom   iv  wife-beatin'.      He  wants   to  inthra- 

jooce  th'  other  good  old  English  instichoochion  iv  a 

whippin'-post." 

"  He's  all  right,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  I'd  like 
to  have  th'  job." 

"  So  wild  I,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  If  th'  law  iver 
goes  through  I'll  run  f'r  sheriff  an'  promise  to  give 
back  all  me  salary  an'  half  what  I  get  fr'm  th'  race- 
thracks.  Not,  mind  ye,  that  wife-beatin'  is  much 
practised  in  this  counthry.  Slug-ye'er-spouse  is  an 
internaytional  spoort  that  has  niver  become  pop'lar 
on  our  side  iv  th'  wather.  An  American  lady  is  not  th' 
person  that  anny  man  but  a  thrained  athlete  wud 
care  to  raise  his  hand  again'  save  be  way  iv  smoothin' 
her  hair.  Afther  goin'  to  a  school  an'  larnin'  to  box, 
throw  th'  shot,  an'  play  right-guard  on  th'  futball 
team,  th'  gentle  crather  has  what  Hogan  calls  an 
abundant  stock  iv  repartee.  In  me  life  I've  known 
on'y  six  haitchool  wife-beaters.  Two  iv  thim  were 
lucky  to  beat  their  wives  to  th'  sidewalk,  an'  I've 
rescued  th'  other  four  fr'm  th'  roof  iv  th'  house  with 
a  ladder.  But  now  an'  thin  I  suppose  an  American 
gintleman,  afther  losin'  three  or  four  fights  on  his 
way  home,  does  thry  to  make  a  repytation  be  swingin' 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

on  th'  ex-heavy-weight  champeen  iv  th'  Siminary 
f'r  Rayfined  Females,  an'  if  she  can't  put  th'  baby  on 
th'  flure  in  time  to  get  to  wurruk  with  th'  loose  parts 
iv  th'  stove,  'tis  Thaydore's  idee  that  she  shud  call  a 
polisman  an'  have  father  taken  down  to  th'  jail  an' 
heartily  slapped. 

"  An'  he's  right.  No  gintleman  shud  wallop  his 
wife,  an'  no  gintleman  wud.  I'm  in  favor  iv  havin' 
wife-beaters  whipped,  an'  I'll  go  further  an'  say  that 
'twud  be  a  good  thing  to  have  ivry  marrid  man 
scoorged  about  wanst  a  month.  As  a  bachelor  man, 
who  rules  entirely  be  love,  I've  spint  fifty  years  in- 
vistigatin'  what  Hogan  calls  th'  martial  state,  an'  I've 
come  to  th'  con-elusion  that  ivry  man  uses  vilence 
to  his  wife.  He  may  not  beat  her  with  a  table-leg, 
but  he  coerces  her  with  his  mind.  He  can  put  a 
savage  remark  to  th'  pint  iv  th'  jaw  with  more  lastin' 
effect  thin  a  right  hook.  He  may  not  dhrag  her 
around  be  th'  hair  iv  her  head,  but  he  dhrags  her  be 
her  sympathies,  her  fears,  an'  her  anxieties.  As  a 
last  raycoorse  he  beats  her  be  doin'  things  that  make 
her  pity  him.  An'  th'  ladies,  Gawd  bless  thim,  like 
it.  Th'  whippin'-post  f'r  wife-beaters  won't  be 
popylar  with  th'  wife-beaters.  In  her  heart  ivry 
woman  likes  th'  sthrong  arm.  Ye  very  sildom  see 
th'  wife  iv  an  habitchool  wife-beater  lavin'  him.  Th' 
husband  that  gives  his  wife  a  vilet  bokay  is  as  apt  to 
lose  her  as  th'  husband  that  gives  her  a  vilet  eye. 
Th'  man  that  breaks  th'  furniture,  tips  over  th'  table, 
kicks  th'  dog,  an'  pegs  th'  lamp  at  th'  lady  iv  his 
choice  is  seen  no  more  often  in  our  justly  popylar 
divoorce  coorts  thin  th'  man  who  comes  home  arly  to 
feed  th'  canary.  Manny  a  skilful  mandolin  player 
[S3S] 


Corporal  Punishment 

has  been  enable  to  prevint  his  wife  f r'm  elopin'  with 
a  prize-fighter. 

"  No,  you  won't  find  anny  malthreated  ladies'  names 
on  th'  petition  f'r  th'  new  govermint  departmint. 
Th'  Whippin'  Postmasther-Gin'ral  will  have  to  look 
elsewhere  f'r  applause  thin  to  th'  downthrodden  wives 
iv  th'  counthry.  But  th'  departmint  has  come  to 
stay;  I  hope,  Hinnissy,  to  see  its  mission  enlarged. 
I  look  forward  to  th'  day  whin  there  will  be  a  gover- 
mint whippin'-post,  with  a  large  American  flag  at 
th'  top  iv  it,  in  ivry  American  city.  Afther  awhile 
we  can  attind  to  th'  wants  iv  th'  rural  communities. 
A  fourth  assistant  whippin'  postmasther-gin'ral  will 
be  sint  to  th'  farmin'  counthry,  so  that  Cy  an'  Alick 
will  get  just  as  good  a  lammin'  as  Alphonso  an' 
Augustus.  He  will  carry  a  red,  white  an'  blue  post 
on  his  thravels,  an'  a  special  cat-o'-nine-tails,  with 
th'  arms  iv  th'  United  States  an'  th'  motto,  *  Love 
wan  another,'  engraved  on  th'  handle.  Th'  whippin'- 
post  will  grow  up  to  be  wan  iv  th'  foundations  iv  our 
govermint,  like  th'  tariff.  Whin  annybody  proposes 
to  abolish  it  they  will  be  met  with  th'  cry :  *  Let  th' 
whippin'-post  be  rayformed  be  its  frinds.'  Th' 
frinds  will  build  a  bigger  post  an'  put  a  few  nails  on 
th'  lash.  Ivinchooly  people  will  quit  goin'  to  Mt. 
Vernon  an'  make  pilgrimages  to  Delaware,  where  th' 
whippin'-post  has  had  such  a  fine  moral  effect.  An' 
thin  Addicks  will  be  ilicted  prisidint. 

"  Won't  it  be  fine  ?  Th'  govermint  gives  us  too 
little  amusemint  nowadays.  Th'  fav'rite  pastime  iv 
civilized  man  is  croolty  to  other  civilized  man.  Ye 
take  a  Southern  gintleman,  who  has  been  accustomed 
to  pathronize  th'  lynchin'  iv  naygurs.  All  other 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Doolcy 

spoorts  seem  tame  to  him  aftherward.  He  won't  go 
to  th'  theaytre  or  th'  circus,  but  pines  at  home  till 
there's  another  black  man  to  be  burned.  A  warden  iv 
a  pinitinchry  niver  has  anny  fun  out  iv  life  afther 
he  loses  his  job.  Judges  in  civil  coorts  sometimes 
resign,  but  niver  a  hangin'  judge  in  a  criminal  coort. 

"  Yes,  sir,  'twill  be  a  good  thing  f'r  th'  criminal 
an'  a  good  thing  f'r  a  spoort-lovin'  public,  but  th' 
question  that  comes  up  in  me  mind  is,  Will  it  be  a 
good  thing  f'r  Uncle  Sam  an'  a  good  thing  f'r  Sheriff 
Dooley.  Th'  only  habit  a  man  or  a  govermint  ought 
to  pray  again'  acquirin'  is  eroolty.  It's  th'  gr-reatest 
dissypation  in  th'  wurruld.  Ye  can't  swear  off  bein' 
crool  wanst  ye  begin  to  make  a  practice  iv  it.  Ye 
keep  gettin'  crooler  an'  crooler,  till  ye  fin'lly  think  iv 
nawthin'  but  injurin'  ye'er  neighbor  an'  seem'  him 
suffer.  I  mind  wanst,  whin  I  was  a  boy  at  home,  a 
new  school-masther  come  to  th'  hedge.  He  was  a  nice, 
quiet,  near-sighted  young  fellow,  an'  he  began  be 
larrupin'  on'y  th'  worst  iv  th'  boys.  But  ye  cud  see 
in  a  minyit  that  he  was  injyin'  th'  pastime.  At  th' 
end  iv  th'  month  he  was  lickin'  somebody  all  th'  time. 
He  used  to  get  fairly  dhrunk  switchin'  us.  Glory  be, 
it  seems  to  me  that  I  spint  all  me  boyhood  days  on 
another  boy's  shoulders.  He  licked  us  f'r  ivry thing, 
an'  annythin'  an'  nawthin'  at  all.  It  wasn't  that  it 
done  us  anny  good,  but  it  gave  him  pleasure.  He's 
been  dead  an'  gone  these  forty  years,  an'  I  bear  him 
no  ill-will,  but  if  I  iver  r-run  acrost  his  ghost  I'll  put 
a  head  on  it. 

"  So  it  is  with  Uncle  Sam :  If  he  begins  to  lick  wife- 
beaters,  befure  he's  been  at  it  long  he  won't  have  anny 
time  f'r  annythin'  but  th'  whippin'-post.  He'll  be 


Corporal  Punishment 

in  his  shirt-sleeves  all  day  long,  slashin'  away  at 
countherfeiters,  illicit  distillers,  postal  thieves,  an' 
dimmycrats. 

"  No,  Hinnissy,  there  ain't  a  hair's  difference  be- 
tween a  blackguard  who  beats  his  wife  an'  a  gover- 
mint  that  beats  its  childher.  Ye  can't  cure  corp'ral 
punishmint  be  makin'  th'  govermint  th'  biggest  kind 
iv  corp'ral  punisher.  Ye  can't  inflict  corp'ral  pun- 
ishmint onless  ye'er  sthronger  thin  th'  fellow  ye 
punish,  an'  if  ye  ar-re  sthronger  ye  ought  to  be 
ashamed  iv  ye'ersilf .  Whiniver  I  hear  iv  a  big  six- 
fut  school-teacher  demandin'  that  he  be  allowed  to 
whale  a  thirty-two-inch  child  I  feel  like  askin'  him 
up  here  to  put  on  th'  gloves  with  Jeffreys.  Whin  a 
govermint  or  a  man  raysorts  to  blows  it  shows  they're 
ayether  afraid  or  have  lost  their  timpers.  An'  there 
ye  ar-re." 

"Spare  th'  rod  an'  spile  th'  child,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  Yes,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  but  don't  spare  th'  rod 
an'  ye  spile  th'  rod,  th'  child,  an'  th'  child's  father." 


THE     SIMPLE    LIFE 


THE     SIMPLE     LIFE 

**  "W  "IT  TELL,  Chas  Wagner  has  been  havin'  th' 
%/%/  fine  old  time  over  here,"  said  Mr. 
T  V  Dooley. 

"  Is  that  th'  man  that  wrote  th'  music?"  asked  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Dooley ;  "  that  was  Cal.  This  is 
Chas  Wagner,  an'  he's  th'  author  iv  th'  two  hun- 
dherd  thousandth  book  that  Prisidint  Rosenfelt  has 
read  since  th'  first  iv  Novimber.  'Tis  called  Th9 
Simple  Life.  He  cudden't  find  it  in  France,  so  he 
come  lookin'  f'r  it  among  th'  simple  an'  pasthral 
people  in  this  counthry. 

"  He  found  it.  He  come  over  in  a  large  but  sim- 
ple ship  iv  twinty  thousan'  simple  horse-power,  an' 
landed  in  th'  simple  village  iv  New  York,  where  he 
was  met  be  a  comity  iv  simple  little  village  lads  an' 
lasses  an'  escorted  to  th'  simple  Waldorf  an'  installed 
in  a  room  simply  decorated  in  purple  plush.  That 
avenin'  he  attinded  a  meetin'  iv  th'  Fifth  Avnoo  Fe- 
male Simplicity  Club.  A  lady  wearin'  a  collar  iv 
dimons,  whose  value  was  simply  fabulous,  recited 
passages  fr'm  Th9  Simple  Life.  Afther  this  a  simple 
supper  iv  terrapin  an'  champagne  was  sarved.  He 
thin  took  a  simple  Pullman  thrain  to  Wash'nton, 
where  he  attinded  a  rayciption  at  which  a  lady  iv  th' 
diplomatic  core — which  is  all  that  is  left  iv  diplomacy 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley^ 

nowadays — poked  th'  wife  iv  a  Congressman  with  a 
lorgnette  f'r  goin'  into  supper  ahead  iv  her.  Later 
he  was  rayceived  be  th'  simple  prisidint,  who  said  to 
him :  '  Chas,'  he  says,  *  I've  been  preachin'  y e're  book 
to  me  counthrymen,'  he  says.  '  Simplicity  an'  a 
sthrong  navy  is  th'  watchword  iv  this  administhra- 
tion,'  he  says. 

"  Since  thin  Chas  has  been  whoopin'  up  th'  simple 
life.  They've  showed  him  ivrything  simple  we  have. 
He's  seen  th'  subway,  th'  dhrainage  canal,  th'  Stock 
Exchange,  Tom  Lawson,  Jawn  D.  Rockefellar,  an' 
Mrs.  Chadwick.  He's  looped  th'  loops,  shot  th' 
shoots,  had  a  ride  in  a  pathrol-wagon,  played  th' 
races,  an'  met  Dave  Hill.  Th'  las'  seen  iv  him  he  was 
climbin'  into  a  private  car  in  a  fur-lined  coat  an'  a 
plug  hat.  Whin  he  goes  home  to  his  simple  life  in 
Paris  he's  goin'  to  have  a  ticker  put  in  his  study. 
He  is  undherstood  to  favor  sellin'  copper  on  bulges. 

"  I  haven't  read  his  book,  but  Hogan  says  it's  a 
good  wan,  an'  I'm  goin'  to  read  it  afther  I've  read 
th'  Bible  an'  Emerson,  which  Mike  Ahearn  ricom- 
mended  to  me  th'  year  iv  th'  big  fire.  Th'  idee  is  that 
no  matther  what  ye  ar-re,  ye  must  be  simple.  If 
ye're  rich,  be  simply  rich;  if  ye're  poor,  be  simply 
poor;  if  ye're  nayether,  be  nayether,  but  be  simple 
about  it.  Ye  don't  have  to  be  gin'rous  to  be  simple. 
He  makes  a  sthrong  pint  iv  that.  It  isn't  nicissry  to 
open  ye'er  purse,  says  Chas.  If  ye're  a  miser,  be  a 
simple  miser.  It  ain't  issintial  to  be  poor  to  be  simple. 
A  poor  man  walkin'  th'  sthreet  is  far  less  simple  thin 
a  rich  man  lollin'  back  in  his  carriage  an'  figurin'  out 
simple  inthrest  on  his  cuff.  Th'  poor  man  is  envious 
iv  th'  rich  man,  but  th'  rich  man  is  not  envious  iv  th' 
[230] 


The  Simple  Life 

poor  man.  If  ye're  a  flower,  says  he,  be  a  flower ;  if 
ye're  a  bur-rd,  be  a  bur-rd;  if  a  horse,  a  horse;  if 
a  mule,  a  mule;  if  a  hummin'-bur-rd,  a  hummin'- 
bur-rd ;  if  a  polecat,  a  polecat ;  if  a  man,  a  man.  But 
always  be  simple,  be  it  ever  so  complex. 

"  Th'  on'y  thing  Hogan  an'  I  can't  make  out  fr'm 
th'  book  is  what  is  simplicity.  I  may  be  a  simpleton, 
Hinnissy,  but  I  don't  know.  Father  Tom  Burke 
was  forty  years  writin'  a  book  on  '  simplicity,'  an'  he 
niver  got  beyond  th'  first  sintince,  which  was :  *  It  is 
simply  impossible  to  define  simplicity.'  It  ain't  sim- 
ple to  be  poor,  it  ain't  simple  to  be  without  clothes, 
it  ain't  simple  to  be  pious  or  sober.  Ye're  pretty 
simple  to  believe  all  I  tell  ye,  but  ye  may  not  be  as 
simple  as  I  think  an'  hope.  A  lie  may  be  as  simple 
as  th'  thruth.  Th'  fact  iv  th'  matther  is  that  th» 
rale  thruth  is  niver  simple.  What  we  call  thruth  an' 
pass  around  fr'm  hand  to  hand  is  on'y  a  kind  iv  a 
currency  that  we  use  f'r  convenience.  There  are  a 
good  manny  countherfeiters  an'  a  lot  iv  th'  counther- 
feits  must  be  in  circulation.  I  haven't  anny  question 
that  I  take  in  manny  iv  thim  over  me  intellechool  bar 
ivry  day,  an'  pass  out  not  a  few.  Some  iv  th  coun- 
therfeits  has  as  much  precious  metal  in  thim  as  th' 
rale  goods,  on'y  they  don't  bear  th'  govermint  stamp. 

"  What  th'  divvle  is  simplicity,  annyhow  ?  Simple 
is  a  foolish  wurrud  whin  ye  come  to  think  it  over. 
Simple,  simple,  simple.  It's  a  kind  iv  a  mixture  iv 
silly  an'  dimple.  I  don't  know  how  to  go  about  bein' 
simple.  Th'  Lord  didn't  make  me  that  way.  I  can 
imagine  simplicity,  but  I  can't  just  put  me  hand  on 
it.  No  more  can  Chas  Wagner.  Tell  me,  Chas 
how  to  lead  th'  simple  life.  Tell  me,  Thaydore  Ho- 
[231] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

senfelt,  simple  soul,  what  I  must  do.  I'll  go  as  far 
as  ye  like.  Hand  out  th'  receipt.  I'll  make  mesilf  a 
simple  man  if  I  have  to  bake  in  a  slow  oven  to  do  it. 
What  '11  I  do?  Throw  away  th'  superflooties,  says 
Hogan  out  iv  Chas,  his  book.  But  what  ar-re  th' 
superflooties?  I'll  turn  out  th'  ilicthric  light,  shut 
off  th'  furnace,  an'  desthroy  th'  cash  raygister  be 
which  complex  macheen  I  keep  mesilf  fr'm  robbin' 
mesilf.  But  am  I  anny  more  simple  because  I'm 
holdin'  out  on  mesilf  with  frozen  fingers  be  a  tallow 
dip?  Was  th'  wurruld  iver  anny  more  simple  thin 
it  is  to-day?  I  doubt  it.  I  bet  ye  there  was  a  good 
dale  iv  talk  about  Adam  an'  Eve  dhressin'  ostenta- 
tiously an'  havin'  th'  King  of  Bilj  urn's  ancesthor  to 
supper  with  thim. 

Hogan  was  readin'  me  out  iv  a  book  th'  other  day 
about  th'  simple  fathers  iv  th'  counthry.  It  was  a 
turr'ble  shock  to  me.  This  fellow  says  that  Robert 
Morris,  who  I  supposed  sacrificed  his  fortune  f'r 
liberty  injooced  th'  govermint  to  pay  good  money  f'r 
bad;  Jawn  Adams  wanted  to  make  a  kingdom  iv  th' 
counthry;  while  as  f'r  George  Wash'nton,  he  acted 
like  a  coal  -  oil  Jawnny  whin  he  wint  to  th'  White 
House,  an'  his  wife  put  on  insuff'rable  airs  an'  had 
such  bad  table  manners  that  this  here  pathrite  was 
compelled  to  lave  th'  room  an'  run  home  to  put  it 
down  in  his  diary. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  Th'  more  I  think  th'  less 
simple  simplicity  becomes.  Says  Wagner  via  Hogan, 
a  man  shud  be  like  a  lamp,  an'  th'  more  light  he  sheds 
th'  betther  man  he  is.  That's  th'  throuble  with  ivry- 
body  that  thries  to  advise  me  to  be  somethin'  I  ain't. 
Whin  I  run  him  into  a  corner  an'  say :  6  Come  on  now 


The  Simple  Life 

an'  make  good.  Show  me  th'  way,'  he  tells  me  I'm  a 
lamp,  or  a  three,  or  a  snowflake  blown  be  th'  winds, 
or  a  bur-rd  in  a  gilded  cage,  or  a  paint-brush,  or  a 
ship,  or  something  else.  But  says  I :  '  I'm  none  iv 
these  fine  things.  I'm  a  kind  iv  a  man,  an'  I'm  not 
mintioned  in  th'  botany  or  th'  mail  ordher  list.  Tell 
me  what  I  must  do.'  An'  he  looks  me  in  th'  eye  an' 
says  he :  '  Be  a  man.'  An'  there  ye  ar-re.  If  a  man's 
a  lamp  it's  because  he  smokes,  don't  show  up  well  in 
th'  sunlight,  an'  will  wan  day  be  blown  out.  There 
ar-re  other  simple  uses  f'r  lamps  besides  givin'  light, 
which  is  wan  iv  th'  poorest  things  they  do  nowadays. 
Rothschild  thrades  in  thim,  th'  German  imp'ror 
thinks  they  ar-re  on'y  useful  to  throw  at  his  inimies, 
an'  my  business  is  to  fill  thim  with  karosene. 

"  No,  sir,  they  ain't  anny  simple  life.  There's  on'y 
life.  It's  a  kind  iv  an  obstacle  race.  Sinnin',  repint- 
in';  sinnin',  repintin'.  Some  can  jump  high;  some 
can't  jump  at  all.  Thim  that  jump  highest  have 
farthest  to  fall.  Those  that  go  farthest  are  ruled 
off  f'r  foulin'.  A  man's  no  more  thin  a  man,  an'  he 
has  as  many  things  in  him,  anny  wan  iv  thim  li'ble 
to  go  wrong  without  a  moment's  notice,  as  all  th' 
injines,  tools,  lamps,  an'  other  hardware  figures  iv 
speech  in  a  prize  pome.  He  has  to  make  his  clumsy 
repairs  while  undher  full  headway.  Lucky  man  if 
he  staggers  into  port  without  havin'  caused  too 
manny  shipwrecks  on  th'  way  over.  It  isn't  th'  most 
succissful  passage  that  has  caused  th'  most  ship- 
wrecks. 

"  Ye  see,  Hinnissy,  I'm  a  kind  iv  a  Chas  Wagner 
mesilf,  only  betther.  He  gets  his  out  iv  a  Fr-rinch 
head,  an'  I  got  mine  out  iv  th'  Third  Reader  that  a 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

little  boy  left  in  here  who  come  f'r  a  pint  iv  simple 
refreshmint  f'r  his  father's  complex  thirst." 

"  I  don't  think  ye  know  such  a  lot  about  it,"  said 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  I  know  more  about  th'  sample  life,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley. 


HOTELS     AND     HOTEL    LIFE 


HOTELS     AND     HOTEL     LIFE 

"^  •  "^HAT  was  a  crool  thing  they  done  at  th' 
Waldorf -Astory  a  to  me  frind  Hagan," 
M  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  I  don't  know  him,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  Who 
is  he?" 

"  Ye  know  him  all  right,  but  ye  don't  reconize  th' 
name,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  He's  more  cillybrated 
undher  what  Hogan  calls  his  nom  de  plume  iv  Jack 
O'Brien — Phillydelphy  Jack  O'Brien.  An,  now  I  see 
ye  know  him.  All  gr-reat  warryors  take  martial 
names  whin  they  enther  th'  ring,  onless  they  have 
thim  to  start  with  like  Sullivan.  I  wanst  knew  a  Jew 
man  be  th'  name  iv  Mulkoweski,  who  fought  or  run 
away  or  lay  down  undher  th'  haughty  name  iv  Ryan. 
So  this  Misther  Hagan,  whin  he  took  up  th'  manly 
art  iv  hidin'  his  fellow-man  f'r  a  percintage  iv  th' 
gate  receipts,  adopted  th'  name  iv  a  gallant  thribe,  a 
name,  Hinnissy,  for-midable  enough  to  make  his 
opponent  jump  out  iv  th'  ring  without  sthrikin'  a 
blow.  He  brought  much  honor  be  his  valor  to  th' 
city  iv  Willum  Penn,  an'  fin'-ly  reached  th'  top  iv  his 
career  be  lammin'  th'  gr-reat  Robert  Fitzsimmons. 
'Twas  hardly  a  fair  deal,  d'ye  mind,  f'r  Fitzsimmons 
is  a  decrepit,  worn-out,  decayed,  dodderin',  senile  ol' 
man  iv  past  forty.  Besides,  he  was  havin'  throuble 
with  his  wife,  an'  all  th'  time  he  was  fightin'  he  didn't 
[237] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

see  O'Brien  at  all,  but  on'y  th'  beautiful  face  iv  th' 
fair  but  fickle  wan,  an'  thried  to  punch  it.  It  was 
th'  vision  iv  this  lovely  creature  that  he  swung  at,  an' 
th'  result  was  that  he  got  a  good  lickin',  an'  so  will 
anny  wan  who  fights  visions  whin  a  wan-hundherd- 
an'-sivinty-pound  youth  is  thryin'  to  knock  his  head 
off.  That  is,  I  thought  he  got  a  good  lickin',  but  I 
see  be  th'  pa-apers  that  'twas  not  quite  so  simple. 
Th'  hero  iv  a  thousan'  fights  an'  a  millyon  challenges, 
intherviews,  snap-shots,  an'  melodhramas  bowed  his 
proud  ruby  crest  in  th'  anguish  iv  defeat  an'  passed 
his  lorls  to  th'  fair  brow  iv  a  youthful  conqueror,  an' 
was  gathered  to  th'  gr-reat  Valhalla  iv  pugylism,  an' 
said  he  was  sick  to  his  stomach  an'  cudden't  go  on. 
An'  O'Brien,  iv  coorse,  jined  th'  other  pro-fession 
that  its  members  ar-re  so  proud  iv  that  they  always 
change  their  names  whin  thy  enther  it.  In  other 
wurruds,  Hinnissy,  he  become  an  actor. 

"  Afther  returnin'  to  his  native  city,  an'  bein' 
received  with  more  ginooine  enthusyasm  thin  if  he 
was  a  reformed  mayor,  he  wint  up  to  New  York  an' 
made  sthraight  f 'r  th'  centher  iv  all  that  is  best,  an' 
says  so,  in  th'  life  iv  our  young  raypublic.  It  was 
th'  avenin'  hour,  an'  th'  scene  beggared  description 
an'  manny  iv'  th'  guests.  All  New  York  had  gather- 
ed there  her  beauty  an'  her  chivalry  fr'm  Aby  Hum- 
mel's  office  an'  th'  Stock  Exchange.  There  was  also 
some  beauty  an'  a  dash  iv  chivalry  fr'm  Peotone, 
What  Cheer,  an'  Barry's  Landing.  Th'  millyon  in- 
candescent electhric  lights  shone  upon  th'  innocint 
little  childher  iv  th'  cultivated  classes,  an'  was  re- 
flected in  their  di'mon'  tiaras  as  they  played  skip-rope 
with  ropes  iv  pearl  through  th'  corrydors,  or  begged 
[238] 


Hotels  and  Hotel  Life 

a  frozen  absinthe  fr'm  th'  head  barkeeper.  Their 
childish  prattle  about  th'  prob'ble  price  iv  Amalga- 
mated an'  th'  latest  scandal  at  Newport  give  an  air 
iv  artless  simplicity  to  th'  scene. 

"  It  was  th'  dinner-time,  an'  Refined  Wealth  was 
at  it's  avenin'  repast,  or  just  goin'  to  it.  Four  hun- 
dherd  bartinders  were  shootin'  cocktails  at  a  sthrug- 
glin'  mass  iv  thirsty  but  incurable  millyonaires  in 
front  iv  th'  bar.  A  thousan'  waiters  were  dashin' 
through  th'  scores  iv  gilded  dinin'-rooms,  swingin' 
plates  iv  soup  wildly  over  their  heads  or  pourin'  thim 
into  th'  hair  iv  favored  guests.  Th'  head  waiter 
was  talkin'  society  gossip  with  wan  iv  th'  leaders  iv 
th'  four  hundherd.  A  gr-reat  captain  iv  industhree 
was  makin'  a  punch  in  a  coal  -  scuttle,  composed  iv 
akel  parts  iv  champagne  an'  tobasco  sauce.  Th' 
man  at  th'  cigar  counter  was  hammerin'  wan  iv  our 
most  prom'nint  speculators  f'r  gettin'  him  wrong  on 
copper.  A  gintleman  fr'm  Pittsburg  was  dashin' 
through  th'  Palm  Room,  pursued  be  th'  wife  iv  his 
bosom.  Two  iv  what  Hogan  calls  th'  jewness  dory 
were  mixin'  it  up  on  th'  flure  iv  th'  billyard-room. 
Flocks  iv  process-servers  hovered  about,  ready  to  de- 
liver summonses  in  divorce  proceedin's.  A  group  iv 
our  most  consarvative  financeers  were  locked  in  their 
rooms  up-stairs  an'  throwin'  empty  bottles  at  officers 
iv  th'  law  with  warrants.  Th'  hum  iv  polite  convar- 
sation  an'  th'  light  laugh  was  so  incessant  that  it  was 
with  difficulty  wan  cud  hear  th'  fightin'  in  th'  rooms, 
th'  colledge  cries  iv  th'  Yale  futball  team  which  was 
rushin'  through  th'  ladies  resthrant,  th'  smashin'  iv 
baggage,  th'  ringin'  iv  bells,  th'  bets,  th'  music  iv  th' 
brass-band,  or  th'  voices  iv  th'  tastefully  dhressed 
[239] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

'pages  punchin'  their  way  through  th'  fam'ly  groups 
an'  callin'  aloud  names  that  ar-re  a  household  wurrud 
to  all  Americans.  In  short,  Hinnissy,  'twas  wan  iv 
thim  quite  hotel  avenin's  whin  American  gintlemen 
an'  ladies  take  their  aise  afther  th'  sthrenuse  life  iv 
th'  day. 

"  Into  this  restful  home  iv  elegance  th'  coorse 
prize-fighter  foorced  his  way.  He  was  given  a  room 
between  a  promoter  iv  Hackensack  Meadows  an'  th' 
well-known  ex-puddler  who  is  goin'  to  marry  Miss 
Flossie  Gumdrop  iv  th'  Hot  Stuff  Exthravaganza 
Comp'ny,  if  his  wife  don't  kick  up  too  much  iv  a  fuss. 
But  it  was  not  f'r  long.  Th'  rumor  soon  spread  that 
th'  hospital  roof  iv  th'  resort  iv  aristocratic  leisure 
sheltered  a  prize-fighter,  an'  there  was  th'  divvle 
to  pay.  Th'  home-lover  who  was  makin'  th'  punch 
in  th'  resthrant  indignantly  demanded  his  bill  an' 
refused  to  pay  it.  Angry  mathrons  gathered  their 
little  wans  fr'm  th'  broker's  offices  an'  th'  caffy,  put 
on  their  pearl  an'  di'mon'  dog-collars,  an'  prepared 
to  lave.  Th'  Standard  Oil  magnates  up-stairs  tele- 
phoned down  that  they  wud  give  up  their  rooms  an' 
march  out  if  they  weren't  afraid  of  bein'  arrested. 

"  But  th'  hotel  officials  were  prompt  to  act.  Th' 
chief  detictive,  who  had  been  pryin'  a  cabman  off  a 
bank  prisidint  with  deleeryum  thremens,  brought  th' 
prize-fighter  to  th'  desk.  '  You  must  lave  here  at 
wanst,'  said  th'  chief  clerk  through  th'  megaphone, 
that  all  employees  iv  th'  house  use  f'r  convarsation. 
'  It  shall  niver  be  said  that  this  here  fam'ly  hotel,  con- 
sicrated  to  American  domestic  life,  has  been  polluted,' 
he  says,  *  be  a  prize-fighter,'  he  says.  *  Prize-fightin' 
is  a  lawful  occypation,'  said  the  conqueror  iv  th' 
[240] 


Hotels  and  Hotel  Life 

gr-reat  Fitzsimmons.  *  Thin  we  haven't  anny  place 
for  ye,'  says  th'  clerk.  '  Get  out,'  he  says.  An'  poor 
O'Brien  had  to  lave,  an'  there  was  no  place  f'r  him  to 
rest  his  head  that  night  but  th'  newspaper  offices.  But 
th'  Waldorf  was  saved,  th'  purl  was  averted,  an'  be- 
fure  manny  hours  th'  shelter  iv  wealth  resumed  th' 
ordhinry  quite  an'  peace  iv  a  Wild  West  show. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  I  see  in  th'  pa- 
apers  th'  other  day  a  fellow  said  we'd  soon  all  be 
livin'  in  hotels.  I  think  be  all  iv  us  he  meant  th'  rich, 
f'r  th'  life  is  too  gay  f'r  th'  poor.  I  wanst  lived  in 
a  hotel  f'r  a  night.  I  was  bumped  out  iv  a  'bus  at 
th'  dure,  an'  as  I  got  to  me  feet  th'  porter  threw  me 
gripsack  at  me,  an'  it  opened  up,  an'  I  was  some  time 
findin'  me  collar.  I  wint  to  th'  desk,  an'  afther  I'd 
got  th'  attintion  iv  th'  clerk,  he  called  a  bell-boy 
about  thirty-eight  years  ol'  an'  says :  '  Take  him  to 
room  forty  thousan'  an'  eight.'  He  said  it  in  such 
a  way  I  thought  he  wud've  been  more  respictful  if 
he'd  put  on  th'  black  cap.  *  This  way,'  says  th'  boy, 
an'  he  pushed  me  into  an  ilivator  rilled  with  ladies 
an'  gintlemen  an'  th'  sparkle  iv  joolry  an'  aromy. 

"  There  was  plenty  iv  room  f'r  me,  but  hardly 
enough  f'r  th'  buttons  on  me  vest,  which  was  scraped 
off  as  th'  ilivator  flew  on  its  mad  flight.  Ivry  lady 
that  got  off  give  me  a  good  poke  in  th'  back  to  remim- 
ber  her  by.  A  heavy  ol'  gintleman  stood  on  me  feet 
an'  thried  to  pretind  he  didn't  know  it  be  lookin*  over 
me  head.  Ivry  time  th'  criminal  in  charge  iv  th' 
ilivator  stopped  th'  car  he  jolted  me  fr'm  me  heels 
up,  an'  ivry  time  he  started  it  I  had  a  quare  sinsation 
like  a  thrickle  iv  ice-wather  run  up  me  spine.  But 
on  we  wint  till  we  hit  th'  roof,  th'  dure  swung  open, 
[241] 


Dissertations    by  Mr*  Dooley 

an'  I  thripped  out  on  me  head,  just  in  time  to  hear 
th'  ilivator  man  say :  '  Look  out  f 'r  th'  step.'  Th' 
bell-boy  led  me  down  a  long  an'  richly  darkened  hall, 
through  scrubbin'  brushes,  thrunks,  boots  an'  shoes, 
an'  a  sky  terrier,  opened  a  secret  panel  in  a  wall  an' 
led  me  into  a  warm  and  fragrant  recess  or  room  over- 
lookin'  th'  new  chimbley  iv  a  power-house.  Th'  room 
was  well  lighted,  but  not  in  a  way  to  blind  ye,  be  a 
window  high  up  on  th'  wall,  an'  be  an'  electhric 
light  so  placed  that  it  was  not  nicissry  to  shave  be 
it.  Says  I  to  th'  boy :  *  A  very  nice  place  to  keep  a 
pair  iv  suspinders,  but  where's  th'  bedroom  ?'  '  What 
ar-re  ye  givin'  us?'  says  he.  '  This  is  th'  bedroom,' 
says  he.  « But  where's  th'  bed?'  says  I.  <  This  is  it, 
ye  jasper,'  says  he,  an'  he  enfolded  a  bureau  again' 
th'  wall  an'  disclosed  a  model  iv  th'  bad  lands 
iv  Dakota  in  ossified  ticking.  6  Am  I  to  sleep  in 
that?'  says  I.  *  Ye  ar-re,'  says  he.  *  Well,  thin,'  says 
I,  *  sind  down  to  th'  bar  an'  get  me  a  quart  iv  ye'er 
best  ol'  vatted  chloroform,'  says  I. 

Did  I  sleep?  Almost.  Wanst,  about  iliven  o'clock, 
I  almost  passed  away.  I  dhreamt  I  was  havin'  a 
plasther  cast  iv  mesilf  taken  f'r  th'  Art  Museum 
whin  th'  tillyphone  bell  rang  an'  th'  tillyphone  lady's 
voice  asked  me  if  I  was  Jawn  W.  Grates.  I  said  not 
yet,  an'  she  says :  '  Ring  off,  thin,  I  don't  want  ye,' 
she  says.  Thin  I  thried  to  sleep  again,  but  it  was  no 
use.  At  midnight  th'  childher  iv  th'  hotel  begun 
comin'  in  fr'm  th'  theaytre,  an'  had  their  suppers  iv 
Welsh-rabbits  an'  jelly-cake  befure  goin'  to  bed.  At 
wan  o'clock  a  gintleman  who  was  singin'  to  himsilf 
thried  to  get  into  me  room  be  mistake  an'  spint  th' 
nex'  hour  apologizin'  to  me  an'  off'rin'  to  fight.  At 


Hotels  and  Hotel  Life 

two  o'clock  a  lady  an'  her  husband  in  th'  adjinin' 
room  fell  out  over  somethin',  an'  she  cried  in  th'  hall. 
At  three  o'clock  a  poker  -game  on  th'  flure  below  broke 
up  in  a  row.  At  five  o'clock  they  started  holeystonin' 
th'  deck  over  me  head.  At  half -past  five  th'  carpet- 
sweeper  got  to  wurruk.  At  six  th'  chambermaid 
begin  thryin'  th'  dure,  an'  did  it  ivry  five  minyits 
aftherward.  Siven  o'clock  was  th'  hour  f'r  th'  fold- 
in'  bed  to  resume  its  original  form,  an'  it  did  it  with- 
out lettin'  me  know.  I  was  rescued,  an'  I  wint  home 
an'  slept  th'  sleep  iv  th'  poor,  th'  just,  an'  th'  do- 
mestic. 

"No,  sir,  hotel  life  is  not  f'r  th'  likes  iv  us, 
Hinnissy.  It's  f'r  thim  that  loves  mad  gayety,  th' 
merry  rattle  iv  th'  tillyphone  bell,  th'  electhric  light 
that  ebbs  an'  flows,  th'  long  an'  invigoratin'  walk  to 
th'  bath,  th'  ilivator  that  shoots  ye  up  an'  down  or 
passes  ye  by,  th'  clink  iv  th'  dark  ice  in  th'  pitcher, 
an'  th'  mad  swirl  iv  th'  food  in  th'  resthrant  where 
th'  moist  waiter  rubs  ye'er  plate  affectionately  with 
th'  other  man's  napkin  an'  has  an  attintive  ear 
f  r  ivry  wurrud  iv  ye'er  private  convarsation.  All 
this  is  f'r  th'  rich.  Gawd  bless  thim  an'  keep  thim 
out  iv  our  detached  or  semi-detached  hovels  or  homes, 
th'  only  possessions  th'  poor  have  left." 

"  I've  heerd,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  that  this  here 
fellow  O'Brien  wanst  threw  a  fight." 

"  I  don't  believe  it,"  said  Mr.  Dooley ;  "  if  he  had 
he  wud've  been  a  welcome  guest." 


THE     FOOD     WE     EAT 


THE    FOOD    WE    EAT 

*C"1T  "IT"  THAT  have  ye  undher  ye'er  arm  there?" 

%/%/     demanded  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  I   was   takin'   home   a   ham,"   said 
Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Clear  out  iv  here  with  it,"  cried  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  Take  that  thing  outside — an'  don't  lave  it  where  th' 
dog  might  get  hold  iv  it.  Th'  idee  iv  ye'er  bringin' 
it  in  here!  Glory  be,  it  makes  me  faint  to  think  iv 
it.  I'm  afraid  I'll  have  to  go  an'  lay  down." 

"  What  ails  ye  ?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"What  ails  me?"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "Haven't 
ye  r-read  about  th'  invistygation  iv  th'  Stock  Yards? 
It's  a  good  thing  f'r  ye  ye  haven't.  If  ye  knew  what 
that  ham — oh,  th'  horrid  wurrud — was  made  iv  ye'd 
go  down  to  Rabbi  Hirsch  an'  be  baptized  f'r  a 
Jew. 

"  Ye  may  think  'tis  th'  innocint  little  last  left  leg  iv 
a  porker  ye're  inthrajoocin'  into  ye'er  innocint  fam'ly, 
but  I  tell  ye,  me  boy,  th'  pig  that  that  ham  was  cut 
fr'm  has  as  manny  legs  to-day  as  iver  he  had.  Why 
did  ye  waste  ye'er  good  money  on  it?  Why  didn't 
ye  get  th'  fam'ly  into  th'  dining-room,  shut  th' 
windows,  an'  turn  on  th'  gas?  I'll  be  readin'  in  th' 
pa-aper  to-morrah  that  wan  Hinnissy  took  an  over- 
dose iv  Unblemished  Ham  with  suicidal  intint  an' 
died  in  gr-reat  agony.  Take  it  away!  It's  lible 
[247] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Doolcy 

to  blow  up  at  anny  minyit,  scattherin'  death  an'  de- 
sthruction  in  its  train. 

"  Dear,  oh  dear,  I  haven't  been  able  to  ate  anny- 
thing  more  nourishin'  thin  a  cucumber  in  a  week. 
I'm  grajally  fadin'  fr'm  life.  A  little  while  ago  no 
wan  cud  square  away  at  a  beefsteak  with  betther 
grace  thin  mesilf.  To-day  th'  wurrud  resthrant 
makes  me  green  in  th'  face.  How  did  it  all  come 
about?  A  young  fellow  wrote  a  book.  Th'  divvle 
take  him  f 'r  writin'  it.  Hogan  says  it's  a  grand  book. 
It's  wan  iv  th'  gr-reatest  books  he  iver  r-read.  It  al- 
most made  him  commit  suicide.  Th'  hero  is  a  Lith- 
uanian, or  as  ye  might  say,  Pollacky,  who  left  th' 
barb'rous  land  iv  his  birth  an'  come  to  this  home  iv 
opporchunity  where  ivry  man  is  th'  equal  iv  ivry 
other  man  befure  th'  law  if  he  isn't  careful.  Our 
hero  got  a  fancy  job  poling  food  products  out  iv  a 
catch-basin,  an'  was  promoted  to  scrapin'  pure  leaf- 
lard  off  th'  flure  iv  th'  glue  facthry.  But  th'  binifits 
iv  our  gloryous  civilyzation  were  wasted  on  this  poor 
peasant.  Instead  iv  bein'  thankful  f'r  what  he  got, 
an'  lookin'  forward  to  a  day  whin  his  opporchunity 
wud  arrive  an',  be  merely  stubbin'  his  toe,  he  might 
become  rich  an'  famous  as  a  pop'lar  soup,  he  grew 
cross  an'  unruly,  bit  his  boss,  an'  was  sint  to  jail. 
But  it  all  tur-rned  out  well  in  th'  end.  Th'  villain 
fell  into  a  lard-tank  an'  was  not  seen  again  ontil  he 
tur-rned  up  at  a  fash'nable  resthrant  in  New  York. 
Our  hero  got  out  iv  jail  an'  was  rewarded  with  a 
pleasant  position  as  a  porter  iv  an  arnychist  hotel, 
an'  all  ended  merry  as  a  f  un'ral  bell. 

"Ye'll  see  be  this  that  'tis  a  sweetly  sintimintal 
little  volume  to  be  r-read  durin'  Lent.  It's  had  a 
[248] 


The  Food  We  Eat 

grand  success,  an'  I'm  glad  iv  it.  I  see  be  th'  pub- 
lishers' announcemints  that  'tis  th'  gr-reatest  lithry 
hog-killin'  in  a  peryod  iv  gin'ral  lithry  culture.  If 
ye  want  to  rayjooce  ye'er  butcher's  bills  buy  Th' 
Jungle.  It  shud  be  taken  between  meals,  an'  is 
especially  ricomminded  to  maiden  ladies  contimplatin' 
their  first  ocean  voyage. 

"  Well,  sir,  it  put  th'  Prisidint  in  a  tur-rble  stew. 
Oh,  Lawd,  why  did  I  say  that?  Think  iv — but  I 
mustn't  go  on.  Annyhow,  Tiddy  was  toying  with 
a  light  breakfast  an'  idly  turnin'  over  th'  pages  iv 
th'  new  book  with  both  hands.  Suddenly  he  rose 
f r'm  th'  table,  an'  cryin' :  *  I'm  pizened,'  begun 
throwin'  sausages  out  iv  th'  window.  Th'  ninth  wan 
sthruck  Sinitor  Biv'ridge  on  th'  head  an'  made  him 
a  blond.  It  bounced  off,  exploded,  an'  blew  a  leg 
off  a  secret-service  agent,  an'  th'  scatthred  fragmints 
desthroyed  a  handsome  row  iv  ol'  oak-trees.  Sinitor 
Biv'ridge  rushed  in,  thinkin'  that  th'  Prisidint  was 
bein'  assassynated  be  his  devoted  followers  in  th' 
Sinit,  an'  discovered  Tiddy  engaged  in  a  hand-to- 
hand  conflict  with  a  potted  ham.  Th'  Sinitor  fr'm 
Injyanny,  with  a  few  well-directed  wurruds,  put  out 
th'  fuse  an'  rendered  th'  missile  harmless.  Since  thin 
th'  Prisidint,  like  th'  rest  iv  us,  has  become  a  viggy- 
taryan,  an'  th'  diet  has  so  changed  his  disposition  that 
he  is  writin'  a  book  called  Suffer  in  Silence,  didy- 
cated  to  Sinitor  Aldrich.  But  befure  doin'  anny- 
thing  else,  he  selected  an  expert  comity  fr'm  a  neigh- 
borin'  univarsity  settlemint  to  prepare  a  thorough, 
onbiased  rayport  that  day  on  th'  situation  an'  make 
sure  it  was  no  betther  thin  th'  book  said.  Well,  what 
th'  experts  discovered  I  won't  tell  ye.  Suffice  it  to  say, 
[249] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

that  whin  th'  report  come  in  Congress  decided  to 
abolish  all  th'  days  iv  th'  week  except  Friday. 

"  I  have  r-read  th'  report,  an'  now,  whin  I'm 
asked  to  pass  th'  corned-beef,  I  pass.  Oh  dear,  th' 
things  I've  consumed  in  days  past.  What  is  lard? 
Lard  is  annything  that  isn't  good  enough  f 'r  an  axle. 
What  is  potted  ham?  It  is  made  in  akel  parts  iv 
plasther  iv  Paris,  sawdust,  rope,  an'  incautious  la- 
borer. To  what  kingdom  does  canned  chicken  be- 
long? It  is  a  mineral.  How  is  soup —  Get  me  th' 
fan,  Hinnissy. 

"Thank  ye.  I'm  betther  now.  Well,  sir,  th' 
packers  ar-re  gettin'  r-ready  to  protect  thimsilves 
again'  The  Jungle.  It's  on'y  lately  that  these  here 
gin'rous  souls  have  give  much  attintion  to  lithra- 
choor.  Th'  on'y  pens  they  felt  an  inthrest  in  was 
those  that  resthrained  th'  rectic  cow.  If  they  had 
a  blind  man  in  th'  Health  Departmint,  a  few  com- 
petint  frinds  on  th'  Fedhral  bench,  an'  Farmer  Bill 
Lorimer  to  protect  th'  cattle  inthrests  iv  th'  Gr-reat 
West,  they  cared  not  who  made  th'  novels  iv  our  coun- 
thry.  But  Hogan  says  they'll  have  to  add  a  novel 
facthry  to  their  plant,  an'  in  a  few  months  ye'll  be 
able  to  buy  wan  iv  Nels  Morris's  pop-lar  series  war- 
ranted to  be  fr'm  rale  life,  like  th'  pressed  corned- 
beef. 

"  Hogan  has  wrote  a  sample  f 'r  thim : 

" '  Dear !'  Ivan  Ivanovitch  was  seated  in  th'  con- 
sarvatory  an'  breakfast-room  pro-vided  be  Schwartz- 
child  &  Sulsberger  f'r  all  their  employees.  It  was  a 
pleasant  scene  that  sthretched  beneath  th'  broad  win- 
dows iv  his  cosey  villa.  Th'  air  was  redolent  with  th* 
aroma  iv  th'  spring  rendherin',  an'  beneath  th'  smoke 
[250] 


The  Food  We  Eat 

iv  th'  May  mornin'  th'  stately  expanse  iv  Packin'town 
appeared  more  lovely  than  iver  befure.  On  th'  lawn 
a  fountain  played  brine  incessantly  an'  melojously 
on  th'  pickled  pigs'-feet.  A  faint  odor  as  iv  peach 
blossoms  come  fr'm  th'  embalmin'  plant  where  kine 
that  have  perished  fr'm  joy  in  th'  long  journey  fr'm 
th'  plains  are  thransformed  into  th'  delicacies  that 
show  how  an  American  sojer  can  die.  Thousan's 
iv  battle-fields  are  sthrewn  with  th'  labels  iv  this  justly 
pop'lar  firm,  an'  a  millyon  heroes  have  risen  fr'm 
their  viands  an'  gone  composedly  to  their  doom.  But 
to  rayturn  to  our  story.  Th'  scene,  we  say,  was  more 
beautiful  thin  wurruds  can  describe.  Beyond  th' 
hedge  a  physician  was  thryin'  to  make  a  cow  show 
her  tongue,  while  his  assistant  wint  over  th'  crather 
with  a  stethoscope.  Th'  air  was  filled  with  th'  joyous 
shouts  iv  dhrivers  iv  wagons  heavily  laden  with  ol' 
boots  an'  hats,  arsenic,  boric  acid,  bone-dust,  sthrick- 
nine,  sawdust,  an'  th'  other  ingreejents  iv  th'  most 
nourishing  food  f'r  a  sturdy  people.  It  was  a  scene 
f'r  th'  eye  to  dote  upon,  but  it  brought  no  happiness 
to  Ivan  Ivanovitch.  Yisterdah  had  been  pay-day  at 
th'  yards  an'  little  remained  iv  th'  fourteen  thousan' 
dollars  that  had  been  his  portion.  There  was  a  soup- 
can  iv  anger  in  his  voice  as  he  laid  down  a  copy  iv  th' 
Ladies9  Home  Journal  an'  said :  "  Dear !"  Th' 
haughty  beauty  raised  her  head  an'  laid  aside  th' 
spoon  with  which  she  had  been  scrapin'  th'  life-givin' 
proosic  acid  fr'm  th'  Deer  Island  sausage.  "  Dear," 
said  Ivanovitch,  "  if  ye  use  so  much  iv  th'  comp'ny's 
peroxide  on  ye'er  hair  there  will  be  none  left  f'r  th' 
canned  turkey."  Befure  she  cud  lift  th'  buttherine 
dish  a  cheery  voice  was  heerd  at  th'  dure,  an'  J.  Og- 
17  [251] 


Dissertations    by  Mr.   Dooley 

den  Cudahy  bounded  in.  Ivanovitch  flushed  darkly, 
an'  thin,  as  if  a  sudden  determination  had  sthruck 
him,  dhrew  on  his  overhalls  an'  wint  out  to  shampoo 
th'  pigs.  [Th'  continyuation  iv  this  thrillin'  story 
will  be  found  in  th'  next  issue  iv  Leaf  Lard.  F'r  sale 
at  all  dellycatessen-stores.]' 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  It's  a  turr'ble 
situation.  Here  am  I  an'  here's  all  th'  wurruld  been 
stowin'  away  meat  since  th'  days  iv  Nebudcud — what- 
ye-may-call-him.  'Tis  th'  pleasant  hour  iv  dinner. 
We've  been  waitin'  half  an  hour,  pretindin'  we  were  in 
no  hurry,  makin'  convarsation,  an'  lookin'  at  th' 
clock.  There  is  a  commotion  in  th'  back  iv  th'  house, 
an'  a  cheery  perfume  iv  beefsteak  an'  onions  comes 
through  an  open  dure.  Th'  hired  girl  smilin' 
but  triumphant  flags  us  fr'm  th'  dinin'-room.  Th' 
talk  about  th'  weather  stops  at  wanst.  Th'  story  iv 
th'  wondherful  child  on'y  four  years  old  that  bit  his 
brother  is  stowed  away  f 'r  future  use.  Th'  comp'ny 
dashes  out.  There  is  some  crowdin'  at  th'  dure. 
'  Will  ye  sit  there,  Mrs.  Casey  ?'  *  Mrs.  Hinnissy, 
squat  down  next  to  Mike.'  *  Tom,  d'ye  stow  ye'ersilf 
at  th'  end  iv  th'  table,  where  ye  can  deal  th'  pota- 
toes.' *  Ar-re  ye  all  r-ready  ?  Thin  go.'  There  ar-re 
twinty  good  stories  flyin'  befure  th'  napkins  ar-re 
well  inside  iv  th'  collar.  Th'  platter  comes  in  smokin' 
like  Vesuvyous.  I  begin  to  play  me  fav'rite  chune 
with  a  carvin'-knife  on  a  steel  whin  Molly  Donahue 
remarks :  '  Have  ye  r-read  about  th'  invistygations 
iv  th'  Stock  Yards  ?'  I  dhrop  me  knife.  Tom  Dona- 
hue clutches  at  his  collar.  Mrs.  Hinnissy  says  th' 
rooms  seem  close,  an'  we  make  a  meal  off  potatoes  an' 
wathercress.  Ivrybody  goes  home  arly  without  sayin' 


The  Food  We  Eat 

good-bye,  an'  th'  next  day  Father  Kelly  has  to  patch 
up  a  row  between  you  an'  ye'er  wife.  We  ate  no  more 
together,  an'  food  bein'  th'  basis  iv  all  frindship, 
frindship  ceases.  Christmas  is  marked  off  th'  calen- 
dar an'  Lent  lasts  f 'r  three  hundherd  an'  sixty-five 
days  a  year. 

"  An',  be  Hivens,  I  can't  stop  with  thinkin'  iv  th' 
way  th'  food  is  got  r-ready.  Wanst  I'm  thurly  sick 
I  don't  care  how  much  sicker  I  get,  an'  I  go  on 
wondherin'  what  food  ra-aly  is.  An'  that  way,  says 
Hogan,  starvation  lies.  Th'  idee  that  a  Polish  gin- 
tleman  has  danced  wan  iv  his  graceful  native  waltzes 
on  me  beefsteak  is  horrible  to  think,  but  it's  on'y  a 
shade  worse  thin  th'  thought  that  this  delicate  morsel 
that  makes  me  th'  man  I  am  was  got  be  th'  assassy- 
nation  iv  a  gentle  animile  that  niver  done  me  no  harm 
but  look  kindly  at  me.  See  th'  little  lamb  friskin' 
in  th'  fields.  How  beautiful  an'  innocint  it  is.  Whin 
ye'er  little  Packy  has  been  a  good  boy  ye  call  him 
ye'er  little  lamb,  an'  take  him  to  see  thim  skippin'  in 
th'  grass.  *  Aren't  they  cunnin',  Packy  ?'  But  look ! 
Who  is  this  gr-reat  ruffyanly  man  comin'  acrost  th' 
fields?  An'  what  is  that  horrid  blade  he  holds  in  his 
hands?  Is  he  goin'  to  play  with  th'  lamb?  Oh, 
dhreadful  sight.  Take  away  th'  little  boy,  Hinnissy. 
Ye  have  ordhered  a  leg  iv  lamb  Pr  supper. 

"  Th'  things  we  eat  or  used  to  eat !  I'll  not  min- 
tion  anny  iv  thim,  but  I'd  like  some  pote  to  get  up 
a  list  iv  eatable  names  that  wud  sound  th'  way  they 
taste.  It's  askin'  too  much  f'r  us  to  be  happy  whin 
we're  stowin'  away  articles  iv  food  with  th'  same  titles 
as  our  own  machinery.  '  But  why  not  ate  something 
else?'  says  ye.  Fish?  I  can't.  I've  hooked  thim  out 
[253] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

iv  th'  wather.  Eggs?  What  is  an  egg?  Don't 
answer.  Let  us  go  on.  Milk?  Oh,  goodness!  Vig- 
gytables,  thin?  Well,  if  it's  bad  to  take  th'  life  iv  a 
cow  or  a  pig,  is  it  anny  betther  to  cut  off  a  tomato  in 
th'  flower  iv  its  youth  or  murdher  a  fam'ly  iv  baby 
pease  in  th'  cradle?  I  ate  no  more  iv  annything  but 
a  few  snowballs  in  winter  an'  a  mouthful  iv  fresh  air 
in  th'  summer-time. 

"  But  let's  stop  thinkin'  about  it.  It's  a  good 
thing  not  to  think  long  about  annything — ye'ersilf, 
ye'er  food,  or  ye'er  hereafther.  Th'  story  iv  th' 
nourishmint  we  take  is  on'y  half  written  in  Th9 
Jungle.  If  ye  followed  it  f r'm  th'  cradle  to  th'  grave, 
as  ye  might  say — f  r'm  th'  day  Armour  kicked  it  into 
a  wheelbarrow,  through  varyous  encounters,  th' 
people  it  met,  with  their  pictures  while  at  wurruk, 
until  it  landed  in  th'  care  iv  th'  sthrange  lady  in  th' 
kitchen — ye'd  have  a  romance  that  wud  make  th' 
butcher  haul  down  his  sign.  No,  sir,  I'm  goin'  to 
thry  to  fight  it.  If  th'  millyonaire  has  a  gredge  again' 
me  he'll  land  me  somehow.  If  he  can't  do  me  with 
sugar  iv  lead,  he'll  run  me  down  with  a  throlley-car 
or  smash  me  up  in  a  railroad  accident.  I'll  shut  me 
eyes  an'  take  me  chance.  Come  into  th'  back  room, 
cut  me  a  slice  iv  th'  ham,  an'  sind  f 'r  th'  priest." 

"  They  ought  to  make  thim  ate  their  own  meat," 
said  Mr.  Hennessy,  warmly. 

"I  suggisted  that,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "but  Ho- 
gan  says  they'd  fall  back  on  th'  Constitution.  He 
says  th'  Constitution  f 'rbids  crool  an*  unusual  pun- 
ishmints." 


NATIONAL   HOUSECLEANING 


NATIONAL    HOUSECLEANING 

"TT  looks  to  me,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy,  "  as  though 

this  counthry  was  goin'  to  th'  divvle." 
JL  "  Put  down  that  magazine,"  said  Mr.  Doo- 
ley.  "Now  d'ye  feel  betther?  I  thought  so.  But 
I  can  sympathize  with  ye.  I've  been  readin'  thim 
mesilf.  Time  was  whin  I  sildom  throubled  thim.  I 
wanted  me  fiction  th'  day  it  didn't  happen,  an'  I  cud 
buy  that  f 'r  a  penny  f r'm  th'  newsboy  on  th'  corner. 
But  wanst  in  a  while  some  homefarin'  wandhrer  wud 
jettison  wan  in  me  place,  an'  I'd  frequently  glance 
through  it  an'  find  it  in  me  lap  whin  I  woke  up.  Th' 
magazines  in  thim  days  was  very  ca'ming  to  th'  mind. 
Angabel  an'  Alfonso  dashin'  f'r  a  marredge  license. 
Prom'nent  lady  authoressesses  makin'  pomes  at  th' 
moon.  Now  an'  thin  a  scrap  over  whether  Shake- 
speare was  enthered  in  his  own  name  or  was  a  ringer, 
with  th'  long  -  shot  players  always  again  Shake- 
speare. But  no  wan  hurt.  Th'  idee  ye  got  fr'm  these 
here  publications  was  that  life  was  wan  glad,  sweet 
song.  If  annything,  ivrybody  was  too  good  to  ivry- 
body  else.  Ye  don't  need  to  lock  th'  dure  at  night. 
Hang  ye'er  watch  on  th'  knob.  Why  do  polismen 
carry  clubs?  Answer,  to  knock  th'  roses  off  th'  throl- 
ley-poles.  They  were  good  readin'.  I  liked  thim  th' 
way  I  like  a  bottle  iv  white  pop  now  an'  thin. 

"But  now  whin  I  pick  me  fav'rite  magazine  off 
[257] 


Dissertations   by   Mr.  Dooley 

th'  flure,  what  do  I  find?  Ivry thing  has  gone  wrong. 
Th'  wurruld  is  little  betther  thin  a  convict's  camp. 
Angabel  an'  Alfonso  ar-re  about  to  get  marrid  whin 
it  is  discovered  that  she  has  a  husband  in  loway  an' 
he  has  a  wife  in  Wisconsin.  All  th'  pomes  be  th'  lady 
authoressesses  that  used  to  begin :  *  Oh,  moon,  how 
fair !'  now  begin :  *  Oh,  Ogden  Armour,  how  awful !' 
Shakespeare's  on'y  mintioned  as  a  crook.  Here  ye 
ar-re.  Last  edition.  Just  out.  Full  account  iv  th' 
Crimes  iv  Incalculated.  Did  ye  read  Larsen  last 
month  on  *  Th'  use  iv  Burglars  as  Burglar  Alarums  '  ? 
Good,  was  it?  Thin  read  th'  horrible  disclosures 
about  th'  way  Jawn  C.  Higgins  got  th'  right  to  build 
a  bay-window  on  his  barber-shop  at  iliven  forty-two 
Kosciusko  Avnoo,  South  Bennington,  Arkansaw. 
Read  Wash'n'ton  Bliffens's  dhreadful  assault  on  th' 
board  iv  education  iv  Baraboo.  Read  Idarem  on 
Jawn  D. ;  she's  a  lady,  but  she's  got  th'  punch. 
Graft  ivrywhere.  6  Graft  in  th'  Insurance  Comp'- 
nies,'  '  Graft  in  Congress,'  *  Graft  in  th'  Supreem 
Coort,'  « Graft  be  an  Old  Grafter,'  « Graft  in  Lith- 
rachoor,'  be  Hinnery  James ;  *  Graft  in  Its  Relations 
to  th'  Higher  Life,'  be  Dock  Eliot;  « Th'  Homeeric 
Legend  an'  Graft ;  Its  Cause  an'  Effect ;  Are  They  th' 
Same?  Yes  and  No,'  be  Norman  Slapgood. 

"  An'  so  it  goes,  Hinnissy,  till  I'm  that  blue,  dis- 
couraged, an'  broken-hearted  I  cud  go  to  th'  edge  iv 
th'  wurruld  an'  jump  off.  It's  a  wicked,  wicked,  hor- 
rible, place,  an'  this  here  counthry  is  about  th'  tough- 
est spot  in  it.  Is  there  an  honest  man  among  us?  If 
there  is  throw  him  out.  He's  a  spy.  Is  there  an 
institution  that  isn't  corrupt  to  its  very  foundations? 
Don't  ye  believe  it.  It  on'y  looks  that  way  because 
[258] 


National  Housecleanlng 

our  graft  iditor  hasn't  got  there  on  his  rounds  yet. 
Why,  if  Canada  iver  wants  to  increase  her  popyla- 
tion  all  she  has  to  do  is  to  sind  a  man  in  a  balloon  over 
th'  United  States  to  yell:  <  Stop  thief!'  At  th'  sound 
iv  th'  wurruds  sivinty  millyon  men,  women,  an'  little 
scoundhrelly  childher  wud  skedaddle  f'r  th'  frontier, 
an'  lave  Jerome,  Folk,  an'  Bob  La  Follette  to  pull 
down  th'  blinds,  close  th'  dure,  an'  hang  out  a  sign: 
*  United  States  to  rent.'  I  don't  thrust  anny  man 
anny  more.  I  niver  did  much,  but  now  if  I  hear 
th'  stealthy  step  iv  me  dearest  f rind  at  th'  dure  I  lock 
th'  cash  dhrawer.  I  used  to  be  nervous  about  burg- 
lars, but  now  I'm  afraid  iv  a  night  call  fr'm  th'  Chief 
Justice  iv  th'  Supreem  Coort  or  th'  prisidint  iv  th' 
First  National  Bank. 

"  It's  slowly  killin'  me,  Hinnissy,  or  it  wud  if  I 
thought  about  it.  I'm  sorry  George  Wash'n'ton  iver 
lived.  Thomas  Jefferson  I  hate.  An'  as  f'r  Adam, 
well,  if  that  joker  iver  come  into  this  place  I'd — 
but  I  mustn't  go  on. 

"  Do  I  think  it's  all  as  bad  as  that?  Well,  Hin- 
nissy, now  that  ye  ask  me,  an'  seein'  that  Chris'mas 
is  comin'  on,  I've  got  to  tell  ye  that  this  counthry, 
while  wan  iv  th'  worst  in  th'  wurruld,  is  about  as 
good  as  th'  next  if  it  ain't  a  shade  betther.  But 
we're  wan  iv  th'  gr-reatest  people  in  th'  wurruld  to 
clean  house,  an'  th'  way  we  like  best  to  clean  th' 
house  is  to  burn  it  down.  We  come  home  at  night  an' 
find  that  th'  dure  has  been  left  open  an'  a  few  mos- 
quitoes or  life-insurance  prisidints  have  got  in,  an' 
we  say :  *  This  is  turr'ble.  We  must  get  rid  iv  these 
here  pests.'  An'  we  take  an  axe  to  thim.  We  de- 
sthroy  a  lot  iv  furniture  an'  kill  th'  canary  bird,  th' 
[259] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

cat,  th'  cuckoo  clock,  an'  a  lot  iv  other  harmless  in- 
sects, but  we'll  fin'lly  land  th'  mosquitoes.  If  an 
Englishman  found  mosquitoes  in  his  house  he'd  first 
thry  to  kill  thim,  an'  whin  he  didn't  succeed  he'd  say : 
*  What  pleasant  little  humming-bur-rds  they  ar-re. 
Life  wud  be  very  lonesome  without  thim,'  an  he'd 
domesticate  thim,  larn  thim  to  sing  *  Gawd  Save  th' 
King,'  an'  call  his  house  Mosquito  Lodge.  If  these 
here  inthrestin'  life-insurance  scandals  had  come  up 
in  Merry  ol'  England  we'd  niver  hear  iv  thim,  because 
all  th'  boys  wud  be  in  th'  House  iv  Lords  be  this 
time,  an'  Lord  Tontine  wud  sit  hard  on  anny  scheme 
to  have  him  searched  be  a  lawyer  fr'm  Brooklyn.  But 
with  this  here  nation  iv  ours  somebody  scents  some- 
thing wrong  with  th'  scales  at  th'  grocery-store  an' 
whips  out  his  gun,  another  man  turns  in  a  fire  alarm, 
a  third  fellow  sets  fire  to  th'  Presbyterian  Church,  a 
vigilance  comity  is  formed  an'  hangs  ivry  foorth 
man;  an'  havin'  started  with  Rockyfellar,  who's 
tough  an'  don't  mind  bein'  lynched,  they  fin'lly  wind 
up  with  desthroyin'  me  because  th'  steam  laundhry 
has  sint  me  home  somebody  else's  collars. 

"  It  reminds  me,  Hinnissy,  iv  th'  time  I  lived  at  a 
boardin'-house  kept  be  a  lady  be  th'  name  iv  Doherty. 
She  was  a  good  woman,  but  her  idee  iv  life  was  a 
combination  iv  pneumony  an'  love.  She  was  niver  still. 
Th'  sight  iv  a  spot  on  th'  wall  where  a  gintleman 
boorder  had  laid  his  head  afther  dinner  would  give 
her  nervous  prostration.  She  was  always  polishin', 
scrubbin',  sweepin',  airin'.  She  had  a  plumber  in  to 
look  at  th'  dhrains  twice  a  week.  Fifty-two  times  a 
year  there  was  a  rivolution  in  th'  house  that  wud've 
made  th'  Czar  iv  Rooshya  want  to  go  home  to  rest. 
[260] 


National  Housecleaning 

An'  yet  th'  house  was  niver  really  clean.  It  looked 
as  if  it  was  to  us.  It  was  so  clean  that  I  always  was 
ashamed  to  go  into  it  onfess  I'd  shaved.  But  Mrs. 
Doherty  said  no ;  it  was  like  a  pig-pen.  4 1  don't 
know  what  to  do,'  says  she.  '  I'm  worn  out,  an'  it 
seems  impossible  to  keep  this  house  clean.'  '  What  is 
th'  throuble  with  it?'  says  he.  '  Madam,'  says  me 
frind  Gallagher,  6  wud  ye  have  me  tell  ye?'  he  says. 

*  I  wud,'  says  she.    '  Well,'  says  he,  *  th'  throuble  with 
this  house  is  that  it  is  occypied  entirely  be  human 
bein's,'  he  says.     *  If  'twas  a  vacant  house,'  he  says, 

*  it  cud  aisily  be  kept  clean,'  he  says. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re,  Hinnissy.  Th'  noise  ye  hear 
is  not  th'  first  gun  iv  a  rivolution.  It's  on'y  th' 
people  iv  th'  United  States  batin'  a  carpet.  Ye  ob- 
ject to  th'  smell?  That's  nawthin'.  We  use  sthrong 
disinfectants  here.  A  Frinchman  or  an  Englishman 
cleans  house  be  sprinklin'  th'  walls  with  cologne;  we 
chop  a  hole  in  th'  flure  an'  pour  in  a  kag  iv  chloride 
iv  lime.  Both  are  good  ways.  It  depinds  on  how 
long  ye  intind  to  live  in  th'  house.  What  were  those 
shots?  That's  th'  housekeeper  killin'  a  couple  iv 
cockroaches  with  a  Hotchkiss  gun.  Who  is  that  yell- 
in'?  That's  our  ol'  frind  High  Fi-nance  bein'  com- 
pelled to  take  his  annual  bath.  Th'  housecleanin' 
season  is  in  full  swing,  an'  there's  a  good  deal  iv  dust 
in  th'  air;  but  I  want  to  say  to  thim  neighbors  iv 
ours,  who're  peekin'  in  an'  makin'  remarks  about  th' 
amount  iv  rubbish,  that  over  in  our  part  iv  th' 
wurruld  we  don't  sweep  things  undher  th'  sofa.  Let 
thim  put  that  in  their  pipes  an'  smoke  it." 

"  I  think  th'  counthry  is  goin'  to  th'  diwle,"  said 
Mr.  Hinnissy,  sadly. 

[261] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

"  Hinnissy,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  if  that's  so  I  con- 
gratylate  th'  wurruld." 

"  How's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "  f 'r  nearly  forty  years 
I've  seen  this  counthry  goin'  to  th'  divvle,  an'  I  got 
aboord  late.  An'  if  it's  been  goin'  that  long  an'  at 
that  rate,  an'  has  got  no  nearer  thin  it  is  this  pleasant 
Chris'mas,  thin  th'  divvle  is  a  divvle  iv  a  ways  further 
off  thin  I  feared." 


SOCIALISM 


SOCIALISM 

Saturday  night  at  Mr.  Dooley 's — Mr.  Dooley  in 
the  chair.  Present,  Mr.  Larkin  and  Mr.  McKenna. 
Present,  but  not  voting,  Mr.  Hennessy  and  Mr. 
Schwartzmeister. 

OCIALISM  is  sweepin*  like  a  wave  over 
th'  counthry,"  said  Mr.  Larkin,  the  radical 
blacksmith. 

It  hasn't  wet  my  feet  yet,"  said  Mr.  McKenna 
(Rep.). 

"  But  Matthew  is  right,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  He's 
right  about  it.  A  few  days  ago  Mulligan  wud've 
r-run  me  in  because  I  didn't  wear  a  pitcher  iv  Hetty 
Green  in  me  watch  -  chain,  an'  sind  me  freeman's 
sufferage  to  Pierpont  Mulligan  to  be  endorsed  befure 
I  cud  use  it.  To-day  Mulligan  is  prisidint  iv  th' 
Polisman's  Binivolent  Hammer  th'  Millyonaires  Asso- 
cyation,  an'  he  has  turned  to  th'  wall  th'  lithy grafts 
iv  th'  fathers  iv  his  counthry,  Addicks  Crossin'  th' 
Delaware,  Jakey  Schiff  sthrikin'  th'  shekels  fr'm  th' 
slave,  an'  Grover  Cleveland's  Farewell  to  his  Life- 
insurance  agents.  These  an'  other  gr-reat  names  that 
wanst  us  bold  but  busted  peasanthry  looked  up  to 
f'r  advice  that  not  on'y  cost  thim  nawthin',  but  was 
even  what  ye  might  call  remoonerative  to  thim,  has 
to  pay  th'  same  rates  as  Mrs.  Winslow's  soothin' 
[265] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

syrup  to  have  their  pathriotic  appeals  to  their  fellow- 
citizens  printed  in  the  pa-apers.  As  Hogan  wud  say, 
ye  can  no  longer  conjure  with  thim.  Ye  can't  even 
con  with  thim,  as  I  wud  say. 

"  It  was  diff 'rent  in  the  goolden  days.  A  gr-reat 
chance  a  Socialist  had  thin.  If  annybody  undher- 
stood  him  he  was  kilt  be  infuryated  wurrukinmen. 
It  was  a  good  thing  f 'r  him  that  he  on'y  spoke  Ger- 
man, which  is  a  language  not  gin'rally  known  among 
cultivated  people,  Schwartzmeister.  They  used  to 
hold  their  meetin's  in  a  cellar  in  Wintworth  Avnoo, 
an'  th'  meetin'  was  most  always  followed  be  an  outin' 
in  th'  pathrol-wagon.  'Twas  wan  iv  th'  spoorts  to 
go  down  to  see  th'  Brotherhood  iv  Man  rushed  off  in 
th'  on'y  Municipal  Ownership  conveyance  we  had  in 
thim  days,  an'  havin'  their  spectacles  busted  be  th' 
hardy  an'  loyal  polis. 

"'Tis  far  diff'rent  now.  No  cellars  f'r  th' 
Brotherhood  iv  Man,  but  Mrs.  Vanderhankerbilk 
give  a  musical  soree  f'r  th'  ladies  iv  th'  Female 
Billyonaires  Arbeiter  Verein  at  her  iligant  Fifth 
Avnoo  mansion  yisterdah  afthernoon.  Th'  futmen 
were  dhressed  in  th'  costume  iv  th'  Fr-rinch  Rivo- 
lution,  an'  tea  was  served  in  imitation  bombs.  Th' 
meetin'  was  addhressed  be  th'  well-known  Social- 
ist leader,  J.  Clarence  Lumley,  heir  to  th'  Lumley 
millyons.  This  well-known  prolytariat  said  he  had 
become  a  Socialist  through  studyin'  his  father.  He 
cud  not  believe  that  a  system  was  right  which  allowed 
such  a  man  to  accumylate  three  hundherd  millyon 
dollars.  He  had  frequently  thried  to  inthrest  this 
vin'rable  mossback  in  industhreel  questions,  an'  all 
he  replied  was :  *  Get  th'  money.'  Th'  ladies  prisint 
[266]  * 


Socialism 

cud  appreciate  how  foolish  th'  captains  iv  indus- 
three  are,  because  they  were  marrid  to  thim  an'  knew 
what  they  looked  like  in  th'  mornin'.  Th'  time  had 
come  whin  a  fierce  blow  must  be  sthruck  f'r  human 
freedom.  In  conclusion,  he  wud  sing  th'  *  Marsel- 
laisy,'  an'  accompany  himsilf  on  a  guitar.  Th'  hostess 
followed  with  a  few  remarks.  She  said  Socialists  were 
not  dhreamers,  but  practical  men.  Socialism  was  not 
a  question  iv  th'  hour,  but  had  come  to  stay  as  an 
afthernoon  intertainmint.  It  was  less  expinsive  thin 
bridge,  an'  no  wan  cud  call  ye  down  f'r  ladin'  out  iv 
th'  wrong  hand.  She  had  made  up  her  mind  that 
ivrybody  must  do  something  f'r  th'  cause.  It  was 
wrong  f'r  her  to  have  other  people  wurrukin'  f'r  her, 
an'  she  intinded  to  free  or  bounce  her  servants  an'  go 
to  live  at  a  hotel.  She  wud  do  her  share  in  th' 
wurruld's  wurruk,  too,  an'  with  this  in  view  she  was 
takin'  lessons  in  minichure  paintin'.  A  lady  prisint 
asked  Mr.  Lumley  wud  large  hats  be  worn  undher 
Socialism.  He  answered  no,  but  th'  more  becomin' 
toque;  but  he  wud  look  th'  matther  up  in  a  book  be 
Karl  Marx  that  he  undherstood  was  an  authority  on 
these  subjects.  Th'  meetin'  thin  adjourned  afther 
passin'  a  resolution  callin'  on  th'  husband  iv  th'  host- 
ess to  go  an'  jump  in  th'  river. 

"  An'  there  ye  ar-re,  boys.  Socialism  is  no  longer 
talked  to  ye  in  Platt  Doitch,  but  handed  to  ye  fr'm 
th'  top  iv  a  coach  or  whispered  fr'm  behind  an  ivory 
fan.  It's  betther  that  way.  I  prefer  to  have  it  in 
a  goblet  all  iv  goold  fr'm  fair  hands  to  takin'  it  out 
iv  a  can.  Ye  can't  make  anny  new  idee  too  soft  f'r 
me.  If  I  had  me  way  I'd  get  thim  to  put  it  to  music 
an'  have  it  danced  befure  me.  It  suits  me  betther 
'8  [267] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

th'  way  it  is  thin  whin  Schulz  screened  a  Schwabian 
account  iv  it  through  his  whiskers.  6  What  d'ye  want 
to  do?'  says  I.  'To  make  all  men  akel,'  says  he.  'Akel 
to  who  ?'  says  I.  *  If  ye  mane  akel  to  me,  I'm  agree- 
able,' I  says.  *  I  tire  iv  bein'  supeeryor  to  th'  rest  iv 
th'  race,'  says  I.  '  But,'  says  I,  6  if  ye  mane  akel  to 
ye,'  says  I,  *  I'll  throuble  ye  to  take  ye'rsilf  off,'  says 
I.  <  I  shave,'  says  I." 

"  But  suppose  you  did  get  Socialism.  What 
would  you  do?"  asked  Mr.  McKenna  (Rep.). 

"  Bebel  says — "  began  Mr.  Schwartzmeister. 

"Shut  up,  Schwartz,"  said  Mr.  Larkin.  "  Th' 
first  thing  we'd  do  wud  be  to  take  all  th'  money  in 
th'  wurruld  an'  throw  it  into  th'  lake." 

"  Not  my  money,"  said  Mr.  McKenna. 

"  Yes,  ye'er's  an'  ivrybody  else's,"  said  Mr. 
Larkin. 

"  Mine  wudden't  make  much  iv  a  splash,"  said  Mr. 
Hennessy. 

"  Hush,"  said  Mr.  Larkin.  "  Thin  we'd  set  ivry 
wan  to  wurruk  at  something." 

"  What  wurruk  wud  ye  put  us  at  ?"  asked  Mr. 
McKenna. 

"  Liebnicht  says — "  began  Mr.  Schwartzmeister. 

"  Niver  mind  what  he  says,"  said  Mr.  Larkin. 
66  Ivry  man  wud  wurruk  at  what  plazed  him." 

"  But  suppose  no  wurruk  plazed  him,"  said  Mr. 
Dooley  and  Mr.  McKenna  at  once. 

"  He'd  starve,"  said  Mr.  Larkin. 

"  He  wud,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  McKenna,  after  some  thought, 
"  I  choose  to  feed  th'  swans  in  Lincoln  Park." 

"  Ye  cudden't,"  said  Mr  Larkin.  "  Ye  wudden't 
[268] 


Socialism 

be  let.  Whin  ye'er  case  come  up  I'd  be  called  in  as 
an  expert  an'  I'd  sind  th'  good  woman  over  to 
th'  governmint  hat-store  f'r  th'  loan  iv  a  stove-pipe, 
jump  on  a  govermint  sthreet-car  r-run  be  me  cousin, 
an'  go  down  to  th'  City  Hall  or  govermint  Intillijence 
Office.  Afther  shakin'  me  warmly  be  'th'  hand  an' 
givin'  me  a  govermint  stogy  to  smoke,  th'  Mayor 
wud  say :  '  Little  Jawnny  McKenna  is  a  candydate 
f'r  feedin'  th'  swans  in  Lincoln  Park.  He  has 
O'Brien  an'  a  sthrong  dillygation  behind  him,  but 
what  I  want  to  know  is,  is  he  fitted  f'r  th'  job?'  '  I'm 
afraid  not,'  says  I.  *  He  hasn't  got  th'  requisite 
touch.  But  if  ye  want  an  expert  hand  f'r  th'  wheel- 
barrow at  th'  govermint  rollin'-mills,  he's  jus'  th' 
good,  sthrong,  poor  fellow  f'r  th'  sinycure,'  says  I. 
An'  th'  nex'  day  at  siven  o'clock  they'd  be  a  polisman 
at  th'  dure  an'  ye'd  be  put  in  handcuffs  an'  dhragged 
off  to  th'  slag  pile.  An'  maybe  I  wudden't  break 
ye'er  back.  F'r  I'd  be  ye'er  boss.  I'm  wan  iv  th' 
original  old-line  Socialists,  an'  to  th'  victor  belongs 
th'  spoils,  be  Hivens." 

"  You'd  not  be  my  boss  then  any  more  than  you 
are  now,  me  boy,"  said  Mr.  McKenna,  warmly. 

"  In   Cherrnany — "   began   Mr.   Schwartzmeister. 

"  Dhry  up,"  said  Mr.  Larkin.  "  Ye  mustn't  feel 
badly,  Jawn.  Ye  wudden't  have  to  wurruk  long. 
About  eight  o'clock  Martin's  shift  wud  come  on,  ye'd 
make  a  date  to  meet  me  at  th'  govermint  baseball 
game,  take  off  ye'er  overalls,  jump  into  ye'er  autymo- 
bill,  an'  dash  over  to  what  used  to  be  Martin's  place, 
but  is  now  a  govermint  dispinsary,  where  an  uncle 
iv  mine  wud  give  ye  a  much  larger  glass  iv  malt  free, 
d'ye  mind." 

[269] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

**  Hooray !"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

66  Thin  ye'd  run  over  to  ye'er  iligant  brownstone 
mansion  in  Mitchigan  Avnoo,  beautifully  furnished 
be  th'  govermint;  a  govermint  dhressmaker  wud  be 
thryin'  a  new  dhress  on  ye'er  wife,  a  letther-carrier 
wud  be  milkin'  a  govermint  cow  on  th'  back  lawn,  an' 
all  ye'd  have  to  do  f 'r  th'  rest  iv  th'  day  wud  be  to 
smoke  ye'er  pipe  an'  play  on  th'  accorjeen." 

"  It  sounds  good,"  said  Mr.  McKenna.     "  But — " 

"  In  Karl  Marx — "  began  Mr.  Schwartzmeister. 

"  Keep  quite,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Ye  mustn't 
monnopolize  th'  convarsation,  Schwartz.  It's  gettin' 
to  be  a  habit  with  ye.  I  must  tell  ye  f'r  ye'er  own 
good.  Give  somebody  else  a  chance  wanst  in  a  while. 
What  were  ye  goin'  to  say,  Jawn?" 

"  I  wasn't  goin'  to  say  annything,"  said  Mr. 
McKenna.  "  What's  the  use  arguing  against  a 
balloon  ascension?  The  grand  old  Republican  party, 
under  such  leaders  as — " 

"  Ye  needn't  mintion  thim,"  said  Mr.  Dooley, 
"  until  this  month's  grand  jury  has  adjourned.  But 
ye're  right.  Th'  grand  ol'  Raypublican  party  will 
take  care  iv  this  matther.  A  Raypublican  is  born 
ivry  minyit,  an'  they  will  niver  allow  money  bearin' 
th'  sacred  image  iv  Columbya  to  be  dhrowned  in  th' 
lake.  It's  no  use  argyin'  again'  Socialism,  an'  be  th' 
same  token,  it's  no  use  argyin'  f'r  it.  Afther  listenin' 
to  Larkin  an'  his  talkative  German  f  rind  here,  I  don't 
know  anny  more  about  it  thin  I  did  befure.  Schwartz- 
meister's  idee  iv  it  is  that  ivry  man  shall  live  in  a 
story-an'-a-half  house,  wear  a  unyform  with  a  cock's 
feather  in  th'  hat,  an'  dhraw  his  pay  in  soup  tickets 
fr'm  th'  German  govermint.  Larkin  is  lookin'  for- 
[270] 


Socialism 

ward  to  a  chance  to  get  even  with  his  boss.  That's 
his  idee  iv  an  industhreel  Hiven.  Th'  Lord  knows 
I'd  rejoice  to  see  th'  day  whin  Hinnissy  wud  be 
shakin'  a  throwel  fr'm  th'  top  iv  a  wall  an'  yellin' 
*  Mort '  at  Andhrew  Camay gie  scramblin'  bare- 
legged up  a  ladder,  or  mesilf  lyin'  back  on  a  lounge 
afther  a  hard  day's  wurruk  writin'  pothry  f'r  th' 
govermint,  ordherin'  th'  King  iv  England  to  bring 
me  a  poached  egg  an'  a  cup  iv  tay,  an'  be  quick  about 
it,  darn  ye. 

"  But  I'm  afraid  it  won't  happen  in  our  day. 
That  alone  wud  make  me  a  Socialist.  I'm  sthrong 
f'r  anny  rivolution  that  ain't  goin'  to  happen 
in  me  day.  But  th'  thruth  is,  me  boy,  that  naw- 
thin'  happens,  annyhow.  I  see  gr-reat  changes 
takin'  place  ivry  day,  but  no  change  at  all  ivry  fifty 
years.  What  we  call  this  here  counthry  iv  ours  pre- 
tinds  to  want  to  thry  new  experiments,  but  a  sudden 
change  gives  it  a  chill.  It's  been  to  th'  circus  an' 
bought  railroad  tickets  in  a  hurry  so  often  that  it 
thinks  quick  change  is  short  change.  Whin  I  take 
me  mornin'  walk  an'  see  little  boys  an'  girls  with 
their  dinner-pails  on  their  arms  goin'  down  to  th' 
yards  I'm  th'  hottest  Socialist  ye  iver  see.  I'd  be 
annything  to  stop  it.  I'd  be  a  Raypublican,  even. 
But  whin  I  think  how  long  this  foolish  old  buildin' 
has  stood,  an'  how  manny  a  good  head  has  busted 
again'  it,  I  begin  to  wondher  whether  'tis  anny  use 
f'r  ye  or  me  to  thry  to  bump  it  off  th'  map.  Larkin 
here  says  th'  capitalist  system  is  made  up  iv  th'  bones 
iv  billions  iv  people,  like  wan  iv  thim  coral  reefs  that 
I  used  to  think  was  pethrified  sponge.  If  that  is  so, 
maybe  th'  on'y  thing  I  can  do  about  it  is  to  plant  a 
[271] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

few  geeranyums,  injye  thim  while  I  live,  an'  thin 
conthribute  me  own  busted  shoulder-blades  f 'r  another 
Rockyfellar  to  walk  on." 


BUSINESS    AND     POLITICAL 
HONESTY 


BUSINESS    AND     POLITICAL 
HONESTY 

"TTT'S  a  shame,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  laying  down 
his  paper,  "  that  more  business  men  don't  go 
JL  into  pollyticks." 

"  I  thought  they  did,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"  No,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Dooley ;  "  ye  don't  r-read  th' 
pa-apers.  Ivry  year,  whin  th'  public  conscience  is 
aroused  as  it  niver  was  befure,  me  frinds  on  th'  pala- 
jeems  iv  our  liberties  an'  records  iv  our  crimes  calls 
f 'r  business  men  to  swab  out  our  govermint  with  busi- 
ness methods.  We  must  turn  it  over  to  pathrites  who 
have  made  their  pile  in  mercantile  pursoots  iv  money 
wheriver  they  cud  find  it.  We  must  injooce  th'  active, 
conscientious  young  usurers  fr'm  Wall  Sthreet  to 
take  an  inthrest  in  public  affairs.  Th'  poolrooms  is 
open.  To  thim  guilded  haunts  iv  vice  th'  poor 
wurrukinman  carries  his  weekly  wage,  an'  thries  to 
increase  it  enough  so  that  he  can  give  it  to  his  wife 
without  blushin'.  Down  with  th'  poolrooms,  says  I. 
But  how  ?  says  you.  Be  ilictin'  a  business  man  mayor, 
says  I.  But  who'll  we  get?  says  you.  Who  betther, 
says  I,  thin  th'  prisidint  iv  th'  Westhren  Union  Til- 
lygraft  Comp'ny,  who  knows  where  th'  poolrooms 
ar-re. 

"  Th'  wather  departmint  is  badly  r-run.  Bict 
th'  prisidint  iv  th'  gas  comp'ny.  Th'  onforchnit 
[275] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

sthreet  railroads  have  had  thimsilves  clutched  be  th' 
throat  be  a  corrupt  city  council  an'  foorced  to  buy 
twinty  millyon  dollars'  worth  iv  sthreets  f'r  sixty- 
four  wan-hundherd  dollar  bills.  Oh,  f'r  a  Moses  to 
lead  us  out  of  th'  wilderness  an'  clane  th'  Augeenyan 
stables  an'  steer  us  between  Silly  an'  What's-it's-name 
an'  hoist  th'  snow-white  banner  iv  civic  purity  an' 
break  th'  feathers  that  bind  a  free  people  an'  seize  th' 
helium  iv  state  fr'm  th'  pi-ratical  crew  an'  restore  th' 
heritage  iv  our  fathers  an'  cleanse  th'  stain  fr'm  th' 
fair  name  iv  our  gr-reat  city  an*  cure  th'  evils  iv 
th'  body  pollytick  an'  cry  havic  an'  let  loose  th'  dogs 
iv  war  an'  captain  th'  uprisin'  iv  honest  manhood 
again  th'  cohorts  iv  corruption  an'  shake  off  th'  col- 
lar riveted  on  our  necks  be  tyrannical  bosses  an' 
prim'ry  ray  form?  Where  is  Moses?  Where  is  this 
all-around  Moses,  soldier,  sailor,  locksmith,  doctor, 
stable-boy,  polisman,  an'  disinfectant?  Where  else 
wud  such  a  vallyble  Moses  be  thin  in  th'  bank  that 
owns  th'  sthreet  railroads?  If  Moses  can't  serve  we'll 
r-run  his  lawyer,  th'  gr-reat  pollytickal  purist,  th' 
Hon'rable  Ephraim  Duck,  author  iv  Duck  on  Holes 
in  th'  Law,  Duck  on  Flaws  in  th9  Constitution,  Duck 
on  Ivry  Man  lias  His  Price,  Duck's  First  Aid  to 
tli9  Suspicted,  Duck's  Ilimintliry  Lessons  in  Almost 
Crime,  Th'  Supreem  Coort  Made  Easy,  or  Ivry  Man 
his  Own  Allybi  and  so  on.  Where  is  Judge  Duck? 
He's  down  at  Springfield,  doin'  a  little  ligislative 
law  business  f'r  th'  gas  comp'ny.  Whin  he  comes 
up  he'll  be  glad  to  lead  th'  gr-reat  annyooal  battle 
f'r  civic  purity.  Hurrah  f'r  Duck  an'  Freedom, 
Duck  an'  Purity,  Duck  an'  th'  Protiction  iv  th' 
Rights  iv  Property,  Duck  an'  Fearless  Compromise, 
[276] 


Business  and  Political  Honesty 

"  Befure  our  most  illusthrees  life-insurance  solic- 
itor rose  in  th'  wurruld,  whin  he  was  merely  prisidint 
iv  th'  United  States,  th'  on'y  way  we  cud  dig  a  job 
out  iv  him  f'r  a  good  dimmycrat  was  to  form  th' 
Sixth  Ward  Chamber  iv  Commerce  an'  indorse  th' 
candydate.  Whin  Cohen  first  wint  to  Wash'nton 
to  have  Schmitt  appinted  counsul  at  Chefoo,  th'  chief 
ixicutive,  as  Hogan  says,  nearly  brained  him  with  a 
paper-weight  marked  J.  P.  M.  But  whin  he  wint 
down  as  prisidint  iv  th'  Ar-rchey  Road  Chamber  iv 
Commerce  th'  gr-reat  man  fell  on  his  neck  an'  near 
broke  it.  Th'  frindship  iv  th'  gr-reat,  Hinnissy,  is 
worse  thin  their  inmity.  Their  hathred  sometimes 
misses  fire,  but  their  frindship  always  lands  in  an 
unguarded  an'  vital  spot.  This  here  Chamber  iv 
Commerce  r-run  th'  pathronage  iv  th'  disthrict  f'r  a 
year.  It  used  to  meet  in  me  back  room  till  th'  mer- 
chant princes  got  too  noisy  over  a  dice  game  an'  I 
put  thim  into  th'  sthreet. 

"  Yes,  Hinnissy,  me  ideel  iv  a  gr-great  statesman  is 
a  grocer  with  elastic  bands  on  his  shirt-sleeves,  ladlin' 
public  policies  out  iv  a  bar'l  with  a  wooden  scoop. 
How  much  betther  wud  Wash'nton  an'  Lincoln  have 
been  if  they'd  known  enough  to  inthrajooce  business 
methods  into  pollyticks.  George  was  a  good  man, 
but  he  niver  thought  iv  settlin'  th'  throuble  be  com- 
promisin'  on  a  job  as  colony al  governor.  He  raised 
th'  divvle  with  property,  so  much  so,  be  Hivins,  that 
no  gr-reat  financier  to  this  day  can  tell  what  belongs 
to  him  an'  what  belongs  to  some  wan  else.  An'  there's 
Lincoln.  What  a  little  business  thrainin'  wud've 
done  f'r  him !  Look  at  th'  roon  he  brought  on  prop- 
erty be  his  carelessness.  Millyons  iv  thim  become 
[277] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

worthless  except  as  fuel  f'r  bonfires  in  th'  Sunny 
Southland. 

"  It's  sthrange  people  can't  see  it  th'  way  I  do. 
There's  Jawn  Cassidy.  Ye  know  him.  He's  a  polly- 
tician  or  grafter.  Th'  same  thing.  His  graft  is  to 
walk  downtown  to  th'  City  Hall  at  eight  o'clock  ivry 
mornin'  an'  set  on  a  high  stool  ontil  five  in  th'  afther- 
noon  addin'  up  figures.  Ivry  week  twinty  dollars  iv 
th'  taxpayers'  money,  twinty  dollars  wrung  f r'm  you 
an'  me,  Hinnissy,  is  handed  to  this  boodler.  He  used 
to  get  twinty-five  in  a  clothin'-store,  but  he  is  a 
romantic  young  fellow,  an'  he  thought  'twud  be  a 
fine  thing  to  be  a  statesman.  Th'  difference  between 
a  clothin'  clerk  an'  a  statesman  clerk  is  that  th' 
statesman  clerk  gets  less  money,  an'  has  th'  privilege 
iv  wurrukin'  out  iv  office  hours.  Well,  Cassidy  come 
in  wan  night  with  his  thumbs  stained  fr'm  his  unholy 
callin'.  '  Well,'  says  I,  *  ye  grafters  ar-re  goin*  to 
be  hurled  out,'  I  says.  *  I  suppose  so,'  says  he. 
'  We'll  have  a  business  administhration,'  says  I. 
*  Well,'  says  he,  '  I  wondher  what  kind  iv  a  business 
will  it  be,'  he  says.  *  Will  it  be  th'  insurance  busi- 
ness? I  tell  ye  if  they  iver  inthrajooce  life-insurance 
methods  in  our  little  boodle  office  there'll  be  a  rivo- 
lution  in  this  here  city.  Will  it  be  a  railroad  ad- 
ministhration, with  the'  office  chargin'  ye  twice  as 
much  f'r  water  as  Armour  pays?  Will  it  be  th' 
bankin'  business,  with  th'  prisidint  takin'  th'  money 
out  iv  th'  dhrawer  ivry  night  an'  puttin9  in  a  few 
kind  wurruds  on  a  slip  iv  paper? 

" '  What  kind  iv  a  business  ar-re  ye  goin'  to  use 
to  purify  our  corrupt  govermint?  Look  here,'  says 
he.  *  I'm  goin'  out  iv  pollyticks,'  he  says.  *  Me  wife 
[278] 


Easiness  and  Political  Honesty 

can't  stand  th'  sthrain  iv  seein'  th'  newspapers  always 
referrin'  to  me  be  a  nickname  in  quotation  marks. 
I've  got  me  old  job  back,  an'  I've  quit  bein'  a  states- 
man,' he  says.  '  But  let  me  tell  ye  something.  I've 
been  a  boodler  an'  a  grafter  an'  a  public  leech  f'r 
five  years,  but  I  used  to  be  a  square  business  man,  an' 
I'm  givin'  ye  th'  thruth  whin  I  say  that  business  ain't 
got  a  shade  on  pollyticks  in  th'  matther  iv  honesty. 
Th'  bankers  was  sthrong  again'  Mulcahy.  But  I 
know  all  about  th'  banks.  Whin  I  was  in  th'  clothin' 
business  Minzenheimer  used  to  have  th'  banks  over- 
certify  his  checks  ivry  night.  That  wud  mean  two 
years  in  th'  stir-bin  f'r  a  pollytician,  but  I  don't  see 
no  bankers  doin'  th'  wan-two  in  th'  iron  gall'ries  at 
Joliet.  I  knew  a  young  fellow  that  wurruked  in  a 
bank,  an'  he  told  me  th'  prisidint  sold  th'  United 
State  Statutes  to  an  ol'  book  dealer  to  make  room  f'r 
a  ticker  in  his  office.  We  may  be  a  tough  gang  over 
at  th'  City  Hall.  A  foreign  name  always  looks  tough 
whin  its  printed  in  a  reform  iditoryal.  But,  thank 
th'  Lord,  no  man  iver  accused  us  iv  bein'  life-insur- 
ance prisidints.  We  ain't  buncoin'  an'  scarin'  peo- 
ple with  th'  fear  iv  death  into  morgedgin'  their 
furniture  to  buy  booze  an'  cigars  f'r  us,'  he  says. 
*  We  may  take  bribes,  because  we  need  th'  money,  but 
we  don't  give  thim  because  we  want  more  thin  we 
need.  We're  grafters,  ye  say,  but  there's  manny  a 
dollar  pushed  over  th'  counter  iv  a  bank  that  Mul- 
cahy wud  fling  in  th'  eye  iv  th'  man  that  offered  it 
to  him. 

"  *  Th'   pollytician   grafts   on  th'   public   an'   his 
inimies.     It  don't  seem  anny  worse  to  him  thin  win- 
nin'  money  on  a  horse-race.    He  doesn't  see  th'  writh- 
[279] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

in'  iv  th'  man  he  takes  th'  coin  fr'm.  But  these  here 
high  fi-nanciers  grafts  on  th'  public  an'  their  inimies, 
but  principally  on  their  f rinds.  Dump  ye'er  pard- 
ner  is  th'  quickest  way  to  th'  money.  Mulcahy  wud 
rather  die  thin  skin  a  frind  that  had  sthrung  a  bet 
with  him.  But  if  Mulcahy  was  a  railroad  boss  in- 
stead iv  a  pollytical  boss  he  wud  first  wurruk  up  th' 
con-fidence  iv  his  frinds  in  him,  thin  he  wud  sell  thim 
his  stock,  thin  he  wud  tell  thim  th'  road  was  goin' 
to  th'  dogs,  an'  make  thim  give  it  back  to  him  f'r 
nawthin';  thin  he  wud  get  out  a  fav'rable  report, 
an'  sell  th'  stock  to  thim  again.  An'  he'd  go  on 
doin'  this  till  he'd  made  enough  to  be  ilicted  prisidint 
iv  a  good  govermint  club.  Some  iv  th'  boys  down  at 
our  office  are  owners  iv  stock.  Whin  do  they  first 
larn  that  things  ar-re  goin'  wrong  with  th'  comp'ny? 
Afther  th'  prisidint  an'  boord  iv  di-rectors  have  sold 
out. 

"  *  Don't  ye  get  off  anny  gas  at  me  about  business 
men  an'  pollyticians.  I  niver  knew  a  pollytician  to 
go  wrong  ontil  he'd  been  contaminated  be  contact 
with  a  business  man.  I've  been  five  years  in  th' 
wather  office,  an'  in  all  that  time  not  a  postage-stamp 
has  been  missed.  An'  we're  put  down  as  grafters. 
What  is  pollytical  graft,  annyhow?  It  ain't  stealin' 
money  out  iv  a  dhrawer.  It  ain't  robbin'  th'  tax- 
payer direct,  th'  way  th'  gas  comp'ny  does.  All 
there's  to  it  is  a  business  man  payin'  less  money  to  a 
pollytician  thin  he  wud  have  to  pay  to  th'  city  if  he 
bought  a  sthreet  or  a  dock  direct. 

"  *  Iv  coorse,  there  ar-re  petty  larceny  grabs  be  po- 
lismen.  That's  so  ivrywhere.  Wheriver  there's  polis- 
man  there's  a  shake-down.  But  in  ivry  big  crooked 
[280] 


Business  and  Political  Honesty 

job  there's  a  business  man  at  wan  end.  Th'  ligisla- 
chures  is  corrupt,  but  who  makes  it  worth  while  f'r 
thim  to  be  corrupt  but  th'  pathrites  iv  th'  life-insur- 
ance comp'nies?  Th'  la-ads  in  th'  council  ar-re  out 
f'r  th'  stuff,  says  ye.  But  how  do  they  make  anny- 
thing  except  be  sellin'  sthreets  to  th'  high  fi-nanceers 
that  own  th'  railroad  comp-nies?  If  business  men 
niver  wanted  to  buy  things  cheap  that  don't  belong 
to  thim  no  pollytician  that  cud  carry  a  precinct  wud 
go  into  th'  council.  I'm  goin'  back  to  business.  Min- 
zenheimer  thinks  he  will  need  me  to  get  th'  aldher- 
men  to  let  him  add  fifty  illegal  feet  to  th'  front  iv 
his  store.  I'm  goin'  back  to  business,  an'  I  expect 
to  help  purify  it.  What  th'  business  iv  this  counthry 
needs,'  he  says,  *  is  f'r  active  young  pollyticians  to 
take  an  inthrest  in  it  an'  ilivate  it  to  a  higher  plane. 
Me  battle-cry  is :  "  Honest  pollytical  methods  in  th' 
administhration  iv  business,"  '  he  says  '  In  time,'  he 
says,  '  I  hope  to  see  th'  same  honesty,  good  faith,  an' 
efficiency  in  th'  Life  Insurance  Comp'nies  an'  th' 
Thrusts  that  we  see  now,'  he  says,  '  in  th'  adminis- 
thration iv  Tammany  Hall,'  he  says." 

"  There's  a  good  deal  in  that,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  I  knew  an  aldherman  wanst  that  was  honest  as  th' 
sun,  except  whin  th'  sthreet  railroad  or  th'  gas  com- 
p'ny  needed  something." 

"  Well,  there  ye  ar-re,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  It 
seems  to  me  that  th'  on'y  thing  to  do  is  to  keep  polly- 
ticians an'  business  men  apart.  They  seem  to  have  a 
bad  infloonce  on  each  other.  Whiniver  I  see  an  al- 
dherman an'  a  banker  walkin'  down  th'  sthreet  to- 
gether I  know  th'  Recordin'  Angel  will  have  to  ordher 
another  bottle  iv  ink." 


SIEGES 


SIEGES 

"^    •    ^HIM  poor  la-ads  in  Port  Arthur  must  be 
havin'  a  tur-rble  time,"  said  Mr.  Hennessy. 
J.  "  Ye  niver  can  tell,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 

"  Iv  coorse  it  looks  as  though  they  were.  Ivry  day 
or  two,  whin  Port  Arthur  hasn't  fallen  no  more,  or 
is  laid  up  f r'm  th'  last  fall,  I  read  in  th'  pa-apers  that 
th'  corryspondint  iv  th'  London  Fudge,  a  highly 
onprejudiced  obsarver  or  liar,  stationed  at  Chefoo, 
has  larned  fr'm  a  Chinyman  who  has  jus'  arrived  fr'm 
Pekin  on  a  junk  that  th'  conditions  is  something  that 
wurruds  cannot  describe. 

"Says  he:  '  Th'  conditions  at  Port  Arthur  baffle 
description  an'  stagger  th'  imagination.  On'y 
fourteen  iv  th'  original  definders  survive,  an'  they 
ar-re  rayjooced  to  skeletons.  They  live  in  un- 
dherground  caves,  an'  cook  their  boots  on  explodin' 
bombs  dhropped  in  be  th'  Jap'nese.  Last  week 
Gin'ral  Blinkovitch  shot  an'  kilt  Gin'ral  Bejeeski  in 
a  quarrel  over  a  bar  iv  soap,  which  th'  former  was 
atin'  f'r  lunch.  Gin'ral  Stoessel  has  lost  both  arms, 
a  leg,  an'  th'  right  ear,  but  he  is  still  cheerful,  an'  last 
night  had  his  fur  overcoat  cooked  an'  sarved  at  a 
dinner  to  th'  officers  iv  th'  Probijienky  reg'mint.  He 
proposed  a  toast  to  th'  imp'ror  in  kerosene.  Th' 
toast  was  subsiquintly  devoured  be  th'  famished 
garrison.  None  iv  th'  garrison  sleep  at  night  much 
[285] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

on  account  iv  th'  heejus  roar  iv  th'  Jap'nese  shells 
which  are  dhropped  into  th'  town  at  the  rate  iv  wan 
millyon  a  day.  Me  informant  tells  me — an'  he's  a  man 
whose  wurrud  I  wud  accipt  as  soon  as  me  own — that 
th'  ships  in  th'  harbor  have  been  convarted  into  junk, 
which  must  not  be  confused  with  th'  Chinese  boats  iv 
th'  same  name.  As  fast  as  they  ar-re  desthroyed  they 
ar-re  eaten  be  th'  crew.  It  is  no  uncommon  sight  to 
see  a  starvin'  Rooshyan  sailor  divin'  in  th'  harbor  f'r 
a  cast-iron  bolt  or  some  such  toothsome  morsel.  Th' 
intilligent  Chinyman  who  brought  me  th'  news  es- 
caped just  as  th'  cook  f'r  Gin'ral  Stoessel  was  about 
to  put  him  in  th'  oven.  Th'  Chinese  are  great  stick- 
lers f'r  presarvin'  their  identity  afther  death,  an'  this 
man  nachrally  didn't  like  to  jine  his  ancesthers  in 
th'  shape  iv  chop-sooey.  Altogether,  th'  condition 
iv'  Port  Arthur  is  worse  thin  ye'er  readers  cud  im- 
agine, an'  almost  as  bad  as  they  cud  hope.  Th'  Port 
Arthur  Dally  Melojeen,  th'  on'y  pa-aper  now  pub- 
lished there,  has  a  long  kick  in  th'  last  issue  about 
delinquent  subscribers.  It  is  headed  "  Meanin'  You," 
an'  goes  on  to  say  that  th'  iditor  an'  his  wife  must 
live,  that  they  have  just  moved  into  a  new  dug-out, 
an'  that  if  th'  cash  is  not  forthcomin'  he  will  be 
obliged  to  mintion  names.' 

"  An'  that's  what  I  can't  undherstand,  Hinnissy. 
How  is  it,  d'ye  suppose,  that  if  Port  Arthur  is  so 
bad  off,  they  can  have  a  daily  paper?  Th'  man  that 
runs  it  must  be  a  gr-reat  journalist.  I  wudden't  like 
to  give  up  me  pa-aper.  It's  all  I  have  in  life.  But 
if  I  was  as  thin  as  an  empty  hen-coop,  an'  had  just 
devoured  me  las'  collar,  an'  if  I  knew  that  I  wudden't 
make  even  a  dacint  muss  if  a  Jap'nese  shell  hit  me, 
[286] 


Sieges 

but  wud  look  like  a  pile  iv  loose  lathes  an'  shavin's 
sthruck  be  a  cyclone,  d'ye  suppose  in  thim  circum- 
stances I  wud  be  polite  to  a  man  who  come  ar-round 
an'  offered  me  an  onyx  clock  an'  a  hatful  iv  thradin'- 
stamps  to  subscribe  to  his  pa-aper? 

"An'  think  iv  th  'iditor.  What  a  job!  He  has 
aten  a  pair  iv  rubber  boots  an'  washed  it  down  with 
a  pint  iv  ink,  an'  he  has  to  go  out  an'  collect  th'  news 
on  his  hands  an'  knees.  Thin  he  has  to  write  it  up : 
'  Society  jottin's:  Oursilves  an'  wife  attinded  a  mos' 
jovyal  gatherin'  at  Gin'ral  Pumspinkki's  palatchal 
quarthers  in  Bomproof  A  last  night.  Th'  jaynial 
gin'ral  had  provided  a  bountiful  repast — a  beauti- 
fully cooked  war-map,  which  he  had  procured  at 
gr-reat  expinse.  Th'  Jap'nese  advanced  positions  fell 
to  our  lot,  an'  we  put  it  away  with  gr-reat  gusto,  al- 
though, if  annything,  there  was  too  much  red  ink  on 
it.  Our  host  was  at  his  best  an'  th'  mornin'  was  far 
advanced  befure  we  reeled  home.  Ivrybody  agrees 
an  injyable  time  was  had.  There  is  no  war  news,  as 
the  London  pa-apers  ar-re  onavoidably  late,  an'  our 
corryspondint  is  at  th'  front.  Th'  nex'  time  we  sind 
a  corryspondint  out  with  a  Rooshyan  army  we'll  sind 
him  to  th'  rear,  where  he  can  get  some  news.' 

"  An'  while  he's  gettin'  th'  pa-aper  ready  a  Jap 
shell  is  lible  to  come  through  th'  roof  iv  his  office  an' 
pi  both  him  an'  th'  form  so  bad  that  nayether  wan  iv 
thim  can  be  set  up  again. 

"  No,  sir,  if  I  ain't  far  out  iv  th'  way,  Port  Arthur 
ain't  sufferin'  nearly  as  bad  as  I  am  about  it.  It  wud 
prob'bly  be  th'  place  to  spind  th'  winther,  if  ye  didnt 
mind  livin'  in  a  fallen  city, — a  quiet  life,  con  jaynial 
people,  comfortable  an'  safe  homes,  little  wurruk  an' 
[287] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

some  fightin'.  It's  always  th'  same  way.  I've  wept 
me  last  weep  over  th'  sufferin'  iv  th'  besieged.  I  shed 
manny  tears  on  account  iv  th'  poor  Spanyards  in 
Sandago,  but  whin  th'  American  sojers  got  into  th' 
town  they  were  almost  suffycated  be  th'  smell  iv 
garlic  cookin'  with  omelets.  I  remimber  how  pained 
I  was  over  th'  desperate  plight  iv  th'  sojers  an'  diplo- 
mats at  Pekin.  I  rushed  an  army  over  there.  They 
kilt  Chinymen  be  th'  thousan's,  an'  in  th'  face  iv  in- 
credible misstatements  fought  their  way  to  th'  dures 
iv  th'  palace,  where  their  starvin'  brothers  were  im- 
prisoned. What  did  they  find?  They  found  th' 
diplomats  in  their  shirt-sleeves  fillin'  packin' -cases 
with  th'  undherwear  iv  th'  Chinese  imp'ror  an'  th' 
spoons  iv  th'  Chinese  impress.  Th'  air  was  filled  with 
cries  iv  '  Hinnery,  won't  ye  set  on  this  thrunk  ?  I 
can't  get  th'  lid  down  since  ye  put  in  that  hateful 
idol.'  Th'  English  ambassadure  was  thryin'  on  a 
goold  brocaded  vest  four  thousan'  years  old,  th' 
Frinch  ambassadure  was  cratin'  up  th'  imp'ror's  libry, 
an'  th'  German  embassy  an'  gallant  officers  iv  th' 
kaiser  were  in  th'  obsarvatory  pryin'  off  th'  brass 
fittin's  iv  th'  tillyscopes. 

"  So  I'll  save  me  tears  about  Port  Arthur  till  all 
th'  returns  are  in.  I'd  like  to  get  hold  iv  a  copy  iv 
th'  Port  Arthur  Melojeen.  I  wondher  where  I  cud 
subscribe  to  it.  I'd  bet  ye'd  find  it  cheerful.  '  Yis- 
terdah  was  univintful.  Th'  Japs  threw  a  few  shells 
befure  breakfast  an'  thin  retired.  This  thing  has 
got  to  stop.  Fridah  we  had  a  dog  lamed,  an'  if  this 
occurs  again  we  will  appeal  to  th'  authorities.  Th' 
Eschemojensky  band  give  a  concert  on  th'  public 
square,  an'  manny  iv  th'  townspeople  turned  out  to 
[288] 


Sieges 

hear  it.  John  Smithinski  was  up  befure  Judge  Ho- 
ganenski  on  th'  familyar  charge.  He  was  sintinced 
to  twinty  knouts  or  fifty  days.  Main  Sthreet  is  torn 
up  again.  How  long  will  this  condition  last  befure 
th'  people  iv  our  fair  city  rise  in  their  might  again' 
th'  corruptionists  at  th'  City  Hall?  Closin'  quota- 
tions on  th'  Port  Arthur  board  iv  thrade:  Caviar, 
sixteen  asked,  fourteen  bid;  candles  quiet  an'  un- 
changed, with  a  fair  demand  f'r  light  upland  tallow. 

"  '  Answers  to  corryspondints :  Mayski :  take  half 
a  pound  iv  tar,  a  quart  iv  cookin'  sherry,  two  pints 
iv  vinegar,  an'  a  pound  iv  potash  an'  apply  to  th' 
face  with  a  paint-brush  befure  retirin.  Arthurski 
Lumleyvitch :  No,  Arthur,  it  is  not  considered  in  good 
form,  whin  walkin'  with  a  lady,  to  run  whin  a  bomb 
dhrops  in  ye'er  neighborhood.  Seize  ye'er  fair 
companyon  be  th'  elbows  an'  place  her  in  front  iv  ye. 
Th'  rule  iv  all  p'lite  circles :  "  Ladies  first."  Timothy- 
vich  K. :  Jeffreys  in  th'  sicond  round.  Anxious:  We 
don't  know.' 

"  Sure,  Hinnissy,  it's  always  th'  same  way.  Wan 
iv  th'  sthrangest  things  about  life  is  that  it  will  go 
on  in  onfav'rable  circumstances  an'  go  out  whin  ivry- 
thing  is  aisy.  A  man  can  live  an'  have  a  good  time, 
no  matther  what  happens  to  him  that  don't  kill  him. 
I  lived  here  durin'  th'  cholery.  I  didn't  like  it,  but 
they  was  on'y  wan  other  thing  to  do,  an'  I  didn't 
care  f'r  that.  If  ye're  livin'  in  a  town  that's  bein' 
bombarded  ye  don't  like  it  at  first,  but  afther  awhile 
ye  begin  to  accommydate  ye'ersilf  to  it,  an'  by-an'- 
by,  whin  a  shell  dhrops  while  ye're  argyin'  about 
th'  tariff,  ye  step  aside,  an'  if  ye're  still  there  afther 
th'  smoke  is  cleared  away  ye  resume  th'  argymint. 
[289] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

Ye  have  to  make  new  frinds,  but  so  ye  do  in  Chicago. 
A  man  iv  me  age  loses  more  frinds  in  a  year,  an'  is 
in  more  danger  thin  a  definder  iv  Port  Arthur  at 
twinty-wan.  Bustin'  shells  is  on'y  wan  iv  th'  chances 
iv  life,  like  pnoomony  an'  argyin'  with  a  polisman. 

"  Besides,  I  bet  ye  no  garrison  iver  rayfused  to 
surrindher  whin  it  was  starvin',  onless  it  was  afraid 
th'  inimy  wud  shoot  th'  man  with  th'  white  flag.  A 
garrison  begins  to  think  iv  surrindherin'  whin  it 
can't  get  pie  at  ivry  meal.  Cut  out  wan  iv  its  meals, 
an'  it  begins  to  wondher  what's  th'  use  iv  fightin'  a 
lot  iv  nice  fellows.  Rejooce  it  more,  an'  some  iv  th' 
sojers  will  say  to  th'  gin'ral:  'If  ye  haven't  got  a 
sheet  or  a  pillow-slip  handy  f 'r  a  flag  ye  can  use  our 
shirts.'  Ye  may  change  th'  dite  to  horse-meat,  but 
horse-meat  reminds  a  European  sojer  iv  what  his 
mother  used  to  call  beef.  But  he's  got  to  have  enough. 
A  hungry  man  won't  fight  except  f'r  food,  an'  he'd 
follow  a  beefsteak  twice  as  far  as  he  wud  th'  flag  iv 
anny  imp'ror  or  czar." 


MR.     CARNEGIE'S     HERO     FUND 


MR.    CARNEGIE'S     HERO     FUND 

""TT'S  no  use,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.     "  I  give  it  up." 

"What's  that?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
JL  "  I  can't  get  away  from  him,"  Mr.  Dooley 
went  on.  "  I  can't  escape  me  old  frind  Andhrew 
Carnaygie.  I've  avoided  him  succissfully  f'r  manny 
years.  Th'  bookless  libry  an'  th'  thoughtless  univar- 
sity  niver  touched  me.  I'm  not  enough  iv  a  brunette 
to  share  annything  he  done  f'r  Booker  Washin'ton. 
Up  to  now  he's  been  onable  to  land  on  me  annywhere. 
But  he's  got  me  at  last.  He's  r-run  me  to  earth.  I 
throw  up  me  hands.  Come  on,  Andhrew,  an'  paint 
ye'er  illusthrees  name  on  me.  Stencil  me  with  that 
gloryous  name." 

"What  ar-re  ye  talkin'  about?"  asked  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"  He  has  created  a  hero  fund,"  said  Mr.  Dooley. 
"  He  has  put  aside  five  millyon  dollars,  or  it  may  be 
fifty,  but,  annyhow,  more  thin  there  is  in  me  sugar- 
bowl,  to  buy  medals  f'r  heroes  in  th'  daily  walks  iv 
life — sojers,  polismen,  an'  invistors  barred.  Sup- 
pose wan  day  you  an'  I  ar-re  walkin'  home  fr'm  a  pic- 
nic, an'  ye  thrip  ye'ersilf  into  th'  wathers  iv  th'  II- 
linye  an'  Mitchigan  Canal.  I  cannot  see  me  frind 
dhrown,  an'  besides,  Hinnissy,  I'd  hate  to  lose  ye  as 
a  sparrin'  partner.  A  man  can  on'y  talk  good  to  his 
infeeryors,  an'  ye're  a  gr-reat  stimylant  to  convarsa- 
[293] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Doolcy 

tion.  So  I  take  off  me  hat  an'  coat  an'  vest,  hang 
thim  on  a  three,  pull  off  me  Congress  gaiters,  an'  lay 
thim  in  th'  grass,  hang  me  cravat  on  th'  fence,  offer 
up  a  short  prayer,  an'  lay  down  on  th'  bank  an'  pull 
ye  out.  I  grumble  at  ye  f'r  ye'er  carelessness,  an' 
ye  want  to  fight  me  f'r  bein'  so  rough  in  savin'  ye'er 
life  whin  ye  cud  have  waded  out  without  help,  an'  I 
break  th'  sthrap  iv  me  gaiters  pullin'  thim  on,  an'  we 
go  home  quarrellin'  an'  jawin'  an'  ye'er  wife  thinks 
I  pushed  ye  in.  But  th'  talk  gets  ar-round  th'  neigh- 
borhood, an'  wan  day  a  comity  steps  into  me  place, 
headed  be  a  little  dumplin'  iv  a  man,  an'  wan  iv  thim 
pins  me  hands  while  Andhrew  Carnaygie  nails  on  me 
chest  a  medal  all  in  goold,  with  this  inscription — 
here  it  is — that  Father  Kelly  wrote  out  f'r  me: 

To  Martin  Dooley,  Hero, 

THIS   MEDAL   IS    PRISINTED    BY 

ANDHREW  CARNAYGIE. 

DULCY    ET    DECORUM    EST    PRO    CARNAYGIE 


TO  SPOIL  YE'ER  SUNDAY  CLOTHES. 


"  I'll  be  so  mad  I'd  throw  ye  in  again,  but  that 
won't  help  matthers.  I'm  a  hero  f'r  good  an'  all. 
I'm  f'river  doomed  to  be  a  sandwich  man  an'  parade 
th'  sthreets  advartisin'  th'  gin'rosity  an'  noble  char- 
ackter  iv  Andhrew  Carnaygie. 

"  Iv  coorse  I  won't  be  good  f'r  annything  else. 
I'll  have  to  sell  out  th'  liquor-store.  What's  a  hero 


Mr*  Carnegie's  Hero  Fund 

doin',  pushin'  bottles  acrost  a  bar  an'  mendin'  a  re- 
fracthry  beer-pump?  I'll  quit  wurruk  f'r  good  an' 
hang  ar-round  a  liv'ry-stable  pitchin'  horseshoes. 
They'se  nawthin'  a  hero  with  a  medal  can  do  f'r  a 
livin'  that  ain't  beneath  him.  Wanst  a  hero  always  a 
hero.  Afther  awhile  I'll  be  lurkin'  in  th'  corner  iv 
th'  bridge  an'  pushin'  me  frinds  into  th'  river  an' 
haulin'  thim  out  f'r  a  medal.  I'll  become  an  habit- 
chool  Carnaygie  hero,  an'  good  f'r  nawthin'  else. 
No,  me  frind,  don't  iver  fall  into  th'  canal  whin  I'm 
ar-round.  I  might  be  lookin'  th'  other  way. 

"  An'  think  iv  th'  position  ye  ar-re  in  all  this  time, 
th'  man  who's  life  I've  saved.  Nawthin'  cud  be 
lower.  Ye're  raymimbered  f'river  as  a  foolish  per- 
son that  cudden't  swim  an'  was  dhragged  fr'm  a 
wathry  grave  be  th'  owner  iv  th'  Carnaygie  medal. 
Ye'er  wife  despises  ye  because  ye  had  to  have  ye'er 
life  saved.  She  was  always  sure  that  if  she  iver  fell 
into  th'  wather  ye'er  sthrong  aram  an'  risolute  heart 
wud  rescue  her,  an'  lo  an'  behold!  when  ye  tumble  in 
ye'ersilf  ye  have  to  be  rescued  be  a  stout  gintleman 
in  the  liquor  business.  Ye'er  little  boys  an'  girls  have 
to  bring  prisints  around  to  me  on  me  birthday.  Ye 
have  to  lend  me  money  whin  I  want  it,  an'  if  ye  com- 
plain people  call  ye  an  ingrate.  Befure  ye  die  ye'll 
wisht  ye'd  pulled  me  into  th'  canal  with  ye. 

"  I  wanst  knowed  a  la-ad  that  was  more  or  less 
rescued  fr'm  a  wathry  grave  be  a  tailor  be  th'  name 
iv  Muggins.  He  took  th'  la-ad  be  th'  ar-rms  an' 
walked  ashore  with  him.  Well,  th'  ag'nized  parents, 
not  wantin'  to  appear  stingy  befure  th'  neighbors, 
prisinted  Muggins  with  a  goold  watch,  an'  Muggins 
become  a  hero.  Th'  la-ad  didn't  think  much  iv  it. 
[295] 


Dissertations    by  Mr*  Dooley 

He'd  have  done  th'  same  f'r  Muggins.  But  afther 
a  while  he  found  that  Muggins  was  chained  to  him 
f'r  life.  As  a  boy  he  was  spoken  iv  as  th'  fellow  that 
had  his  life  saved  be  Muggins  th'  tailor.  As  he  grew 
older  he  was  still  Muggins'  boy.  Muggins  wasn't 
much  to  look  at,  bein'  a  little,  bowlegged  man,  but 
afther  he  become  a  hero  he  acted  th'  part.  Me  young 
f rind  cudden't  get  away  f r'm  him.  If  he  was  playin' 
baseball  in  th  corner  lot  Muggins  was  lanin'  over 
th'  fence  with  an  indulgent  smile.  Whin  he  grajated 
with  honors  at  th'  Brothers'  School,  Muggins  set  in 
th'  front  seat,  with  a  look  iv  fond  attintion  on  his 
face.  Whin  th'  Brother  Supeeryor  handed  out  th' 
first  prize  he  remarked  that  it  gave  him  gr-reat 
pleasure  to  reward  th'  ability  an'  larnin'  iv  this 
young  man  in  th'  prisince  iv  th'  hero  to  whom  he 
owed  his  life. 

"  It  was  th'  same  in  afther  years.  He  become  a 
lawyer,  an'  Muggins  niver  missed  a  day  in  coort. 
Th'  lawyer  f'r  th'  opposition  always  managed  to  ap- 
peal to  his  finer  f  eelin's  in  th'  prisince  iv  th'  man  to 
whom  he  owed  his  life.  If  it  was  a  suit  over  a  pair  iv 
pants  me  frind  always  lost  it.  He  niver  wud  take  a 
case  again'  a  tailor,  f'r  th'  jury  wud  always  vote 
again'  him.  In  pollyticks  he  thried  to  succeed,  but 
Muggins  hung  onto  him.  Whin  th'  chairman  iv  th' 
meetin'  arose  he  invaryably  began :  *  Ladies  an'  gin- 
tlemen:  Befure  inthrojoocin'  th'  speaker  iv  th'  even- 
in',  I  want  to  presint  to  ye  th'  man  to  whom  he  owes 
his  life  an'  who  is  here  on  th'  platform  to-night, 
Misther  Alphonse  Muggins.'  Me  frind  was  always 
supposed  to  put  his  handkerchief  to  his  eyes  at  these 
wurrds,  an'  with  f althrin'  step  escoort  him  to  th'  front. 
[296] 


Mr*  Carnegie's  Hero  Fund 

Wan  night  he  tol'  me  he  give  Muggins  a  kick.  He 
said  he  cudden't  help  it.  Th'  timptation  was  too 
sthrong  f'r  human  endurance.  Muggins  didn't  mind 
it.  He  niver  minded  annything.  He  was  a  hero. 

"  Af  ther  a  while  he  took  to  dhrink.  Habitchool 
heroes  always  do,  an'  whin  in  dhrink  he  was  melan- 
choly or  quarrelsome,  as  dhrunk  men  an'  heroes  some- 
times ar-re.  Clancy  wud  be  settin'  quitely  in  a  cafe 
with  some  frinds  whin  Muggins  wud  blow  in  an'  set 
down  with  his  hat  over  his  eyes.  Clancy  wud  have  to 
inthrajooce  him  with  a  catch  in  his  voice  an'  a  tear  in 
his  eyes.  *  Boys,'  he'd  say,  *  I  want  to  inthrajooce  ye 
to  Alphonse  Muggins.  Gawd  bless  him,  boys,  he 
saved  me  life.'  '  Is  that  so  ?'  says  wan  iv  his  com- 
panyons.  c  Ye  betcher  life  it  is,'  says  Muggins. 
*  Did  I  save  his  life  ?  Well,  ask  him.  Ye  ask  him  if 
I  din'  save  his  life.  Ye  just  ask  him.  If  he  don't  lie 
about  it  he'll  tell  ye  who  saved  his  life.  Din'  I  leap 
into  th'  ragin'  flood  an'  riscue  him  at  th'  risk  iv  me 
life?  Maybe  I  din'.  Maybe  it  was  a  man  in  Mil- 
waukee that  done  that.  Looky  here.  Look  at  this 
clock  I  got  fr'm  his  folks,  if  ye  don'  believe  me. 
An'  what's  he  done  f'r  me?  Tell  me  that,  will  ye? 
Who  am  I?  I'm  nothin'.  I'm  Muggins  th'  tailor. 
An'  what's  he?  Look  at  him,  will  ye,  with  his  di- 
mon'  pin  an'  his  plug  hat  so  gay.  An'  where'd  he  be 
if  it  wasn't  f'r  me?  But  it's  all  right,  boys.  It's 
all  right.  Life  is  a  cur'ous  place,  an'  gratichood  is 
a  thing  unknown.'  An'  he  wud  weep  an'  go  to  sleep. 

"  Sometimes  he  wud  fight.     He  punched  Clancy 

two  or  three  times  on  account  iv  his  ingratichood. 

Clancy  had  to  support  him  an'  bail  him  out  an'  get 

th'  clock  out  iv  th'  pawnshop  ivry  Saturdah  night. 

[297] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

But  an  end  comes  to  all  things.  Heroes  don't  live 
long.  They  can't,  th'  way  they  live.  An'  wan  day 
Muggins  wint  th'  way  iv  all  our  kind,  proud  an9 
simple,  coward  an'  brave  man,  hero  an'  hero  worship- 
per. Th'  pa-apers  had  an  account  iv  his  fun'ral. 
*  Among  th'  mourners  none  was  more  affected  thin 
Congressman  Clancy,  whose  life,  near  forty  years 
ago,  this  humble  hero  had  saved  fr'm  a  wathry  doom 
in  Lake  Mitchigan.'  Th'  rayporthers  didn't  obsarve 
that  Clancy  tamped  th'  grave  with  his  fut  to  make 
sure  it  was  solid.  He  wint  home  with  a  light  heart, 
an'  says  to  his  wife :  *  Mother,  to-day  I  begin  me  rale 
career.  We  burrid  Muggins.'  'But,  Cornelius,' 
says  th'  good  woman,  '  ye  owed  him  ye'er  life.' 
'  P'raps,'  says  Clancy ;  *  but,'  he  says,  *  he  took  it  out 
in  thrade  long  ago.' 

"  No,  sir,  Hinnissy,  if  ye  see  me  in  disthress  kind- 
ly call  f 'r  profissyonal  help.  I'll  be  riscued  be  a  fire- 
man or  a  polisman,  because  it's  all  in  their  day's 
wurruk,  but  amachoor  heroes  is  a  danger  whin  they're 
riscuin'  ye  an'  a  worry  iver  afther.  If  I  owe  me  life 
to  anny  wan,  let  it  be  to  a  man  who  won't  thry  to  col- 
lect it.  Anny  how,  what  is  heeroism  ?  If  a  man  stops 
a  runaway  team  that  is  dhraggin'  an  empty  milk- 
wagon  into  a  ditch  he's  not  a  hero.  He's  a  fool.  Th' 
line  is  lightly  dhrawn,  annyhow.  A  hero  is  often  a 
succissful  fool,  an'  a  fool  is  an  unsuccissful  hero. 
I've  heerd  Andhrew  Carnaygie  called  a  hero,  but  I 
don't  believe  it.  If  he  was  he  wudden't  be  givin' 
medals  f'r  heeroism.  If  he  was  a  profissyonal  swim- 
mer he  wudden't  think  annything  iv  savin'  people 
fr'm  dhrownin'.  If  he  was  a  fireman  he'd  think 
nawthin'  iv  carryin'  a  man  down  th'  fire-escape  iv  a 
[298] 


Mr*  Carnegie's  Hero  Fund 

burnin'  buildin'.  If  he  was  a  stable-boy  he'd  find  that 
he'd  have  to  catch  runaway  horses  or  lose  his  job. 
I  wudden't  hesitate  to  go  down  a  laddher  on  ye'er 
shouldhers,  but  if  ye  thried  to  save  me  fr'm  dhrown- 
in'  I'd  scream  f 'r  help.  What  wud  I  be  doin*  thryin' 
to  stop  a  runaway  team?  But  if  ye  fell  through  me 
coal-hole  into  me  cellar  I'd  organize  a  heroic  riscue. 
I  know  th'  way.  Heroes  ought  to  know  th'  way  to 
be  safe.  If  they  do  they  don't  need  anny  medals.  If 
they  don't  they'd  betther  turn  in  an  alarm. 

"  There  ar-re  heroes  an'  heroes.  We're  all  heroes, 
more  or  less.  Ye're  a  hero  ye'ersilf,  towin'  those 
tired  feet  afther  ye  ivry  mornin5  whin  th'  whistle 
blows.  An',  be  Hivens,  if  ye'er  wife  had  a  medal  f'r 
ivry  act  iv  heeroism  she's  performed  she'd  have  as 
manny  now  as  Sousa.  Heroes  in  th'  humble  walks  iv 
life,  says  he?  Well,  there's  enough  iv  thim  to  break 
him  if  he  give  each  wan  iv  thim  th'  on'y  kind  iv 
medals  they  need,  th'  kind  th'  govermint  foundhry 
makes  with  an  eagle  on  th'  back." 


BANKS    AND     BANKING 


BANKS    AND     BANKING 

""W  "IT  TELL,  sir,"  said   Mr.  Dooley,  "I've  been 
%/%/     doin'    th'    bankers    iv    this    counthry    a 

V  T  gr-reat  injustice." 
"  How's  that  ?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy. 
"  I've  put  thim  down  all  me  life  as  cold,  stony- 
hearted men  that  wud  as  soon  part  with  their  lives 
as  with  their  money.  I  had  a  pitcher  iv  a  banker  in 
me  mind,  a  stern,  hard-featured  ol'  gintleman,  with 
curly  side- whiskers,  settin'  on  th'  people's  money  an' 
stalin'  off  both  th'  borrower  who  comes  be  night  with 
a  dhrill  an'  th'  more  rayfined  burglar  who  calls  in  th' 
daytime  with  a  good  story.  I  was  afraid  iv  thim.  I 
wud  no  more  dare  to  ask  a  banker  to  take  a  dhrink 
or  shoot  th'  shoots  with  me  thin  I  wud  an  archbishop. 
If  I  talked  to  wan  iv  thim  I'd  look  up  all  me  state- 
ments in  th'  almanack  an'  all  me  wurruds  in  th'  ditch- 
nry  to  see  that  I  got  nawthin'  wrong.  An'  I  made 
a  mistake  about  thim.  Far  fr'm  bein'  a  hard,  cynical 
class,  th'  bankers  iv  America  is  a  lot  iv  jolly  dogs, 
that  believes  in  human  nature,  takes  life  as  it  is,  aisy 
come,  aisy  go,  hurrah  boys,  we'll  be  a  long  time  dead. 
Hard  to  borrow  money  fr'm  thim?  On  th'  conthry, 
it's  hard  to  keep  thim  fr'm  crowdin'  it  on  ye.  They'll 
lend  ye  money  on  anny thing  ye  shove  in,  on  a  dhream 
that  ye  saw  a  sojer  on  horseback,  on  th'  sad  story  iv 
ye'er  life,  or  on  ye'er  wurrud  iv  honor  if  ye're  ready 
[603] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Dooley 

to  go  back  on  it.  I  niver  knew  what  collateral  was 
ontil  this  lady  fr'm  Cleveland  come  along.  Collateral 
is  a  misstatement  on  which  bankers  lend  money.  If 
ye  broke  into  a  bank  in  Ohio  to-morrah  ye'd  prob'ly 
find  th'  vaults  full  iv  Louisiana  lotthry  tickets,  bets 
on  th'  races,  an'  ray  ports  iv  crystal  gazin'. 

"  Bankin'  is  a  sthrange  business,  annyhow.  I  make 
up  me  mind  that  I  need  more  money  thin  I  have,  or 
I  want  to  build  a  railroad  in  Omaha  or  a  gas-house  in 
Milwaukee,  or  Mrs.  Chadwick  wants  an  autymobill, 
or  something  else  happens,  an'  I  start  a  bank.  I  build 
a  brick  house,  put  ir'n  gratin's  on  th'  window,  an'  ye 
an'  Donohue  fight  each  other  to  see  who'll  get  his 
money  first  to  me.  I  accept  it  very  reluctantly  an' 
as  a  gr-reat  favor  to  ye.  Says  I :  '  Hinnissy  an' 
Donohue,'  says  I,  '  ye  ar-re  rayspictable  wurrukin'- 
men,  an'  I  will  keep  ye'er  money  f'r  ye  rather  thin 
see  ye  spind  it  in  riochous  livin','  says  I.  6  As  a 
gr-reat  favor  to  ye  I  will  take  care  iv  these  litho- 
graphs be  lendin'  thim  to  me  f rinds,'  says  I.  *  If  ye 
want  th'  money  back  ye  can  have  it  anny  time  between 
nine  in  th'  mornin'  an'  three  in  th'  afthernoon  except 
Sundays  an'  holidays,'  says  I ;  '  but  don't  both  come 
at  wanst,'  says  I,  *  or  nayether  iv  ye'll  get  it,'  says  I. 
Well,  ye  lave  ye'er  money  with  me,  an'  I  suppose  ye 
think  iv  it  lyin'  safe  an'  sound  in  th'  big  sthrong 
box,  where  th'  burglar  boys  can't 'get  it.  Ye  sleep 
betther  at  nights  because  ye  feel  that  ye'er  money  is 
where  no  wan  can  reach  it  except  over  me  dead  body. 
If  ye  on'y  knew  ye've  not  turned  ye'er  back  befure 
I've  chased  those  hard-earned  dollars  off  th'  premises ! 
With  ye'er  money  I  build  a  house  an'  rent  it  to  you. 
I  start  a  railrood  with  it,  an'  ye  wurruk  on  th'  rail- 
[304]  * 


Banks  and  Banking 

rood  at  two  dollars  a  day.  Ye'er  money  makes  me  a 
prom'nent  citizen.  Th'  newspapers  intherview  me  on 
what  shud  be  done  with  th'  toilin'  masses,  manin'  ye 
an'  Donohue;  I  consthruct  th'  foreign  policy  iv  th' 
govermint ;  I  tell  ye  how  ye  shud  vote.  Ye've  got  to 
vote  th'  way  I  say  or  I  won't  give  ye  back  ye'er 
money.  An'  all  this  time  ye  think  iv  that  little 
bundle  iv  pitchers  nestlin'  in  th'  safe  in  me  brick 
house,  with  me  settin'  at  th'  dure  with  a  shot-gun 
acrost  me  knees.  But  wan  day  ye  need  th'  money  to 
bury  some  wan,  an'  ye  hurry  down  to  see  me. 
6  Sorry,'  says  I,  '  but  I've  jus'  given  it  all  to  a  lady 
who  come  out  iv  th'  Chinese  laundhry  nex'  dure  an' 
said  she  was  an  aunt  iv  Jawn  D.  Rockefellar.'  An' 
there  ye  ar-re. 

"  If  iver  I  have  anny  relations  with  a  bank,  Hin- 
nissy,  it  won't  be  in  th'  way  iv  puttin'  money  in. 
Were  ye  iver  in  a  bank?  Ye  wudden't  be.  I  was 
wanst.  Wanst  I  was  eighty-five  dollars  on  me  way 
to  bein'  a  millyonaire,  an'  I  wint  down-town  an'  threw 
th'  money  into  th'  window  an'  told  th'  banker  to  take 
th'  best  iv  care  iv  it.  *  We  can't  take  this,'  says  he. 
'  Why  not  ?'  says  I.  '  I  don't  know  ye,'  says  he. 
6  Niver  mind  that,'  says  I.  *  It's  me  money,  not  me- 
silf,  I'm  thryin'  to  inthrajooce  to  s-ciety,'  says  I. 
*  It's  a  very  nice  kind  iv  money,  an'  aven  if  ye  don't 
like  it  now  'twill  grow  on  ye,'  says  I.  '  Or  at  laste 
I  hope  so,'  says  I.  D'ye  know,  Hinnissy,  he  wudden't 
take  th'  money  till  I  cud  get  Dorsey,  th'  plumber,  to 
assure  him  that  I  was  fr'm  wan  iv  th'  oldest  fam'lies 
that  had  come  to  Archey  Road  since  th'  fire.  Havin' 
satisfied  himsilf  that  me  money  was  fit  f'r  other  peo- 
ple's money  to  assocyate  with,  he  tol'  th'  polisman  to 
[305] 


Dissertations  by  Mr.  Dooley 

put  me  in  a  line  iv  people  with  blue  noses,  who  were 
clutchin'  at  postal-ordhers  in  front  iv  a  window  where 
a  young  fellow  sat.  Th'  young  fellow  was  properly 
indignant  at  havin'  to  take  money  fr'm  sthrangers, 
an'  he  showed  it  be  glarin'  at  th'  impydint  depositors. 
Whin  it  come  me  turn  I  wanted  to  tell  him  how  I 
hated  to  part  with  me  little  money;  how  long  me 
money  an'  me  had  slept  together,  an'  niver  had  a  cross 
wurrud;  how  its  slightest  nod  was  a  command  to  me, 
but  now  I  supposed  th'  time  had  come  whin  it  must  go 
out  an'  see  something  iv  th'  wurruld,  on'y  I  hoped 
'twud  be  happy  among  sthrangers.  An'  wud  he  be 
good  to  it,  because  'twas  all  I  had,  an'  not  large  f'r 
its  age. 

"  I  felt  very  sintimintal,  Hinnissy.  F'r  two  years 
I'd  counted  that  money  forty  times  a  day.  I  knew  ivry 
wrinkle  on  it.  I  had  what  ye  might  call  a  legal  ten- 
derness f'r  it.  But  befure  I  cud  deliver  me  sintimin- 
tal addhress  called,  *  A  poor  man's  farewell  to  his 
roly-boly,'  th'  young  fellow  grabbed  th'  bundle,  tossed 
it  over  into  a  pile,  hit  me  on  th'  chest  with  a  pass- 
book, mutthered  *  Burglar '  undher  his  breath,  an' 
dhrove  me  fr'm  th'  bank,  penniless. 

"  As  I  passed  be  th'  prisidint's  office  I  found  th' 
great  man  biddin'  a  tearful  farewell  to  Gallagher  iv 
th'  fifth  ward.  Ye  know  Gallagher.  He  owns  all 
th'  copper  mines  in  Halsted  Sthreet,  has  a  half  in- 
threst  in  Jack's  tips  on  th'  races,  an'  conthrols  th' 
American  rights  in  th'  Humbert  fam'ly.  '  Ar-re 
ye  wan  iv  us?'  says  I.  'Wan  iv  what?'  says  he. 

*  Wan  iv  us  depositors,'  says  I.     'I  am  not,'  says  he. 

*  I've   jus'    dhropped   in   an'   borrowed   a   thousan',' 
says  he.     '  What  on  ?'  says  I.     '  On  a  good  thing  this 

[306] 


Banks  and  Banking 

afthernoon  at  Noo  Orleens,'  says  he.  *  Who  vouched 
f'r  ye'er  charackter?'  says  I.  *  Ye  don't  need  a 
charackter  to  borrow  money  at  a  bank,'  says  he." 

"  How  d'ye  suppose  that  there  lady  f r'm  Cleveland 
fooled  thim  bankers?"  asked  Mr.  Hennessy.  "  Ye'd 
think  they'd  be  too  smart  to  be  bunkoed." 

"  Don't  ye  believe  it,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "  Nobody 
is  too  smart  to  be  bunkoed.  Th'  on'y  kind  iv  people 
that  can  be  bunkoed  are  smart  people.  Ye  can  be 
too  honest  to  be  bunkoed,  but  niver  too  smart. 
It's  the  people  that  ar-re  thryin'  to  get  some- 
thing f'r  nawthin'  that  end  in  gettin'  nawthin'  f'r 
ivrything.  I  niver  can  burst  into  tears  whin  I 
read  about  some  lad  bein'  robbed  be  a  confidence 
game.  Canada  Bill,  Gib  Fitz,  or  Mrs.  Chadwick 
niver  got  anny  money  fr'm  square  people.  A  man 
that  buys  a  goold  brick  thinks  he  is  swindlin'  a  poor 
Indyan  that  don't  know  its  value ;  a  fellow  that  comes 
on  to  buy  f'r  five  hundherd  dollars  tin  thousan'  dol- 
lars' worth  iv  something  that  is  so  like  money  ye  can't 
tell  th'  difference  is  hopin'  to  swindle  th'  govermint; 
the  foolish  man  that  falls  f'r  th'  three-card  thrick 
has  th'  wrong  card  crimped  f'r  him  whin  th'  dealer's 
back  is  turned;  th'  shell  wurruker  always  pretinds  to 
fumble  an'  carelessly  show  th'  farmer  which  shell  th' 
little  pea  is  undher;  an'  th'  lady  fr'm  Cleveland  cud- 
den't  have  got  anny  more  money  on  Andy's  name 
thin  on  mine  if  she  hadn't  promised  to  divide  with 
th'  bankers.  I  refuse  to  sob  over  thim  poor,  gloomy 
financeers  anny  more  thin  I  wud  over  th'  restless 
capitalist  who  loses  his  all  in  a  wire-tappin'  enther- 
prise.  Whin  a  man  gets  more  thin  six  per  cent,  f'r 
his  money  it's  a  thousan'  to  wan  he's  payin'  it  him- 
[307] 


Dissertations  by  Mr*  Doolcy 

silf .  Whiniver  annybody  offers  to  give  ye  something 
f'r  nawthin',  or  something  f'r  less  thin  its  worth,  or 
more  f'r  something  thin  its  worth,  don't  take  anny 
chances.  Yell  f'r  a  polisman." 

"  Th'  wurruld  is  full  iv  crooks,"  said  Mr.  Hen- 
nessy. 

"It  ain't  that  bad,"  said  Mr.  Dooley.  "An', 
besides,  let  us  thank  Hivin  they  put  in  part  iv  their 
time  cheatin'  each  other." 


THE    BAR 


THE     BAR 

"  "1T~T  ain't  ivry  man  that  can  be  a  bishop.  An'  it 
ain't  ivry  wan  that  can  be  a  saloonkeeper.  A 

J-  saloonkeeper  must  be  sober,  he  must  be  honest, 
he  must  be  clean,  an'  if  he's  th'  pastor  iv  a  flock  iv 
poor  wurrukin'-men  he  must  know  about  ivrything 
that's  goin'  on  in  th'  wurruld  or  iver  wint  on.  I  on'y 
discuss  th'  light  topics  iv  th'  day  with  ye,  Hinnissy, 
because  ye're  a  frivolous  charackter,  but  ye'd  be  sur- 
prised to  know  what  an  incyclopeeja  a  man  gets  to 
be  in  this  profissyon.  Ivry  man  that  comes  in  here 
an'  has  three  pans  iv  nicissry  evil  tells  me,  with  tears, 
th'  secrets  iv  his  thrade  an'  offers  to  fight  me  if  I 
don't  look  inthrested.  I  know  injyneerin*,  pam- 
mistry,  plumbin',  Christyan  Science,  midicine,  horse- 
shoein'  asthronomy,  th'  care  iv  th'  hair,  an'  th'  laws 
iv  exchange,  an'  th'  knowledge  I  have  iv  how  to  sub- 
joo  th'  affictions  iv  th'  ladies  wud  cause  manny  a 
pang.  I  tell  ye  we  ar-re  a  fine  body  iv  men. 

"  Not  that  I'm  proud  iv  me  profissyon,  or  shud  I 
say  me  art?  It's  wan  way  iv  makin'  a  livin'.  I 
suppose  it  was  me  vocation.  I  got  into  it  first  be- 
cause I  didn't  like  to  dhrive  an  express-wagon,  an*  I 
stayed  in  it  because  they  was  nawthin'  else  that 
seemed  worth  while.  I  am  not  a  hard  dhrinker.  I 
find  if  I  dhrink  too  much  I  can't  meet — an'  do  up — 
th'  intellechool  joynts  that  swarm  in  here  afther  a 
[311] 


Dissertations   by  Mr*  Dooley 

meetin'  at  th'  rowlin'  mills.  On  Saturdah  nights  I 
am  convivyal.  On  New  Year's  eve  I  thry  to  make  th' 
ol'  year  jus'  as  sorry  it's  lavin'  me  as  I  can.  But  I 
have  no  more  pleasure  in  shovin'  over  to  ye  that  liquid 
sunstroke  thin  I  wud  if  I  had  to  dole  out  collars,  hair- 
dye,  books,  hard-biled  eggs,  money,  or  anny thing 
else  that  wudden't  be  good  f'r  ye.  Liquor  is  not  a 
nicissry  evil.  Hogan  says  it's  wan  way  iv  ra-alizin' 
th'  ideel.  Th'  nex'  day  ye'er  ashamed  iv  ye're  ideel. 
The'  throuble  about  it  is  that  whin  ye  take  it  ye  want 
more.  But  that's  th'  throuble  with  ivrything  ye 
take.  If  we  get  power  we  want  more  power;  if  we 
get  money  we  want  more  money.  Our  vices  r-run  on 
f'river.  Our  varchues,  Hinnissy,  is  what  me  frind 
Doc  Casey  calls  self-limitin.' 

''  rp^j  unbenighted  American  wurrukin'-man  likes 
his  dhrinks — as  who  does  not?  But  he  wants  to  take 
it  in  peace.  His  varchues  has  been  wrote  about.  But 
let  him  injye  his  few  simple  vices  in  his  own  way,  says 
I.  He  goes  to  th'  saloon  an'  rich  men  go  to  th'  club 
mos'ly  f'r  th'  same  reason.  He  don't  want  to  go 
home.  He  don't  need  anny  wan  to  push  him  into  a 
bar.  He'll  go  there  because  that's  a  place  where  wan 
man's  betther  thin  another,  an'  nobody  is  ra-aly  on 
but  th'  bartinder.  There  ought  to  be  wan  place 
where  th'  poor  wurrukin'-man  can  escape  bein'  patted 
on  th'  back.  He  ain't  so  bad  as  people  think.  Wurruk- 
in'-men  don't  dhrink  to  excess.  Dhrunkenness  is  a 
vice  iv  th'  idle.  Did  ye  iver  see  a  la-ad  sprintin' 
acrost  a  joist  two  hundherd  feet  in  th'  air?  D'ye 
think  he  cud  do  that  if  he  were  a  free  dhrinker  ?  Th' 
on'y  wurrukin'-men  who  dhrink  too  much  ar-re 
thruckmen,  an'  that's  because  they  have  so  much 
[312] 


The  Bar 

time  on  their  hands.  While  they  ar-re  waitin'  f'r  a 
load  they  get  wan.  Even  some  iv  thim  ar-re  sober. 
Ye  can  tell  them  be  their  hats. 

"  Somehow  or  another,  Hinnissy,  it  don't  seem  just 
right  that  there  shud  be  a  union  iv  church  an'  saloon. 
These  two  gr-reat  institutions  ar-re  best  kept  apart. 
They  kind  iv  offset  each  other,  like  th'  Supreem 
Coort  an'  Congress.  Dhrink  is  a  nicissry  evil,  nicissry 
to  th'  clargy.  If  they  iver  admit  its  nicissry  to  th' 
consumers  they  might  as  well  close  up  th'  churches. 
Ye'll  niver  find  Father  Kelly  openin'  a  saloon.  He 
hates  me  business,  but  he  likes  me.  He  says  dhrink 
is  an  evil,  but  I'm  a  nicissity.  If  I  moved  out  a  worse 
man  might  come  in  me  place." 

"Ye  ra-aly  do  think  dhrink  is  a  nicissry  evil?" 
said  Mr.  Hennessy. 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Dooley,  "if  it's  an  evil  to  a 
man,  it's  not  nicissry,  an'  if  it's  nicissry  it's  an  evil." 


THE    END 


THE  UNIVERSITY  LIBRARY 
UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA,  SANTA  CRUZ 


This  book  is  due  on  the  last  DATE  stamped  below. 


50m-6,'67(H2523s8)2373 


3  21 06 00170  9390 


